AN: I know this took forever and that it's short, and I do apologize. I've suddenly been thrown into working 60 hours a week and haven't had much time to even breathe. Things will be shaky for the next few chapters. Rachel and Quinn will both be dealing with a lot. But hang in there. It gets better. Promise:)
Reviews are much appreciated:)
Chapter 2: Slowly, Suddenly
She knew where she was before she opened her eyes. That sickly clean smell every hospital gives off was unmistakable to her at this point. She could hear a shift somewhere in the room and resisted the urge to lick her lips. Whoever it was, they were close, and she wanted them to think she was asleep. The last thing she wanted to deal with at a time like this was someone else's emotions.
When she heard a sniffle she tried to control her breathing more. Surely it wasn't her father. She's never once seen her father cry.
"I want to act outraged right now. I want to scream at you and ask if you know how it feels to be afraid that the person in your arms is going to die, but I'm too afraid that maybe you've had someone actually die in your arms." Definitely not her father.
"Of course, even if you have, I would demand that you don't know how it feels to be me with you in my arms. You don't know how it feels to be me, someone who has loved you from a distance since elementary school and who thinks of you and worries about you constantly on an extremely unhealthy level, to suddenly be faced with the very real possible death of you in my arms. You have no idea how it feels to love you this much."
Quinn realized that she couldn't let Rachel continue for moral reasons. She was the cause for what was quite possibly the most traumatic experience in the young girl's life. Might as well face the music now. Maybe even literally. She resisted the urge to groan before opening her eyes to see Rachel's forehead pressed into the hospital bed. She gently tangled her fingers in dark hair and ran her fingers back and forth across the girl's scalp. The bed started to shake from Rachel's sobs and Quinn did her best to hold back her own.
Once Rachel was able to calm down, she sat up and looked deep into Quinn's watery eyes. "Why?"
She couldn't resist rolling her eyes at the question. "Why? Rachel, I didn't overdose on purpose."
Rachel's face was set and serious. "Don't even. Don't even try to act like you don't know what I mean."
It was true. She was trying to change the subject. It would be easier to have any other conversation. "I'm guessing you're asking why I let it get this far? I mean, I am a control freak, so that's not necessarily an unwarranted question." Rachel nodded. "I didn't. Simple as that. I didn't let it get this far. It happened. Slowly… and then… suddenly. As if it had been happening every day of my life since I was born and I'd somehow failed to notice it." She turned her head to try and avoid the scrutiny she knew must be in the girl's eyes. "I don't want to talk about this. Not right now."
"Why not now? There may never be another time. Please, Quinn, talk to me. After everything…" She trailed off in search of a way to describe what had happened the previous evening. She failed. "All I'm asking is that you talk to me. Please, help me understand. I want to understand you." The blonde dared to look into the girl's eyes and was shocked upon seeing the amount of desperation in her eyes. She's been around hardcore drug addicts for quite a while. She's seen some serious desperation, but this was different. It was a more honest need. She desperately needed to know.
It was during her search for a reason why she should give into Rachel's request that she realized what the girl had been saying before she opened her eyes.
Rachel had been the one to find her. Rachel managed to find her in time. Without Rachel she would be dead. She owed her much more than an explanation. Fuck me. I think I'd rather have died.
"It's not cut and dry Rachel. I didn't wake up and decide to start shooting up drugs. Yet, at the same time, it seemed like a logical progression, ya know? We all start somewhere… We all end somewhere. I started with smoking weed. Weed wasn't enough so I kept going. Drinking wasn't enough so I kept going. Coke wasn't enough so…. I'm sure you get it at this point." She shook her head back and forth to try and clear the nauseas fog that began to cloud her mind. "It's like, when I'm not using, I have this thing inside of me that settles just beneath my skin. It drives me insane and makes me question everything. I hate people and then I love them and then I hate them again. My mind can never be made up. I can't decide on anything and I know that seems stupid, but that's just how it started. Extreme frustration. I just wanted to feel normal, to feel okay. Eventually, it got the point where I never felt normal. But when I'm high, everything disappears. The pain, confusion, loneliness… it's all gone with a single hit. I think about it, but I never have to really feel it when I'm high. I can breathe. With meth it's like it consumes you. It reworks your brain and …" Her trail off ended in a cough and an awkward glance around the room.
"Rachel… why aren't there people freaking out around me about an underage kid overdosing on heroin in Lima? Shouldn't they be…"
"Quinnie, you're up."
"Oh my god… Mom? Why are you even here?" She sat up straighter and pulled away from Rachel a bit.
"You're friend called me." The woman glanced pointedly in Rachel's direction.
"What the fuck?" Quinn's eyes bulged towards Rachel as if they themselves were the ones reaching for answers.
"Funny thing actually… my daddy used to work with your mom. Apparently they kept in touch after she left." She flinched when Quinn yanked away from what she meant to be a comforting touch.
Her glare was deadly. "So, I'm guessing your fathers know also. My God, Berry. Can't you ever keep your fucking mouth shut?"
"Lucy! How dare you speak to her that way?" Quinn groaned loudly and covered her face with her blankets. She turned away just as her mother approached her bedside.
Judy turned to Rachel. "Honey, I think it's time you go home. My daughter and I have a lot to talk about."
"Yes ma'am." Rachel stood to leave and was caught off guard by the hug that the older woman pulled her into. "Oh, okay."
As she walked towards the door, Judy spoke, "I'll be in touch with you and let you know what happens." There was another loud groan before Judy spoke again. "Oh, hush. Now is not the time to moan and groan. Sit up and face your mother."
Rachel hurried out before she heard anything else and refused to leave the room. Shouldn't her mother be sweet to her? She'd almost died. Shouldn't that incite a little compassion?
Rachel walked straight into the living room and plopped down on the couch. "How is it even possible for so much to happen within twenty-four hours? Shouldn't the universe be preoccupied with some other small town by now?"
Hiram took a deep breath. "I hate to be so blunt, but shit happens. At least you were there to save her."
"I'm just overwhelmed. My mind is reeling. I seriously almost stopped at McDonald's on the way home." She hated to admit it, but after everything that had happened, she'd figured the world would just go ahead and end if she ate a burger.
"It's going to be okay. You know that right? Quinn will get the help she needs." Hiram was busying himself with one of his case files. "I deal with this every day. Addicts can get clean and stay clean. If she works for it and she has a good support network, she will be fine. Try not to worry too much."
"Dad. You're kidding right? Try not to worry too much? There has to be some better advice that you can give me. Why are you being so weird?"
Hiram sighed and took off his glasses. "Maybe you should talk to your Daddy about this. Tell him I said it's okay."
Rachel quirked a brow in confusion. "Okay.. Is he home yet?"
He shook his head before putting his glasses back on. "He's grocery shopping. Call him if there's anything you need."
Rachel went up to her room wondering what he wanted her daddy to talk to her about. What was she unaware of within their family? They'd always been honest with her about things. Full disclosure and all that.
She stood at the foot of her bed in contemplation for what seemed like hours before settling on what to do next. I need sleep more than a talk right now. She unceremoniously fell onto her bed and passed out within minutes.
Quinn took a deep breath and willed away the nausea. It was all too much. Every single thing about the world was working it's way into her gut and eating away at her like a pack of wild coyotes. The sound of nurses in the hallway, the slight beep coming from one of the machines hooked up to her, and the silence were all deafening and unsettling in individual ways. The sunlight coming in through the window was burning her skin through the blanket and the ice water she'd been drinking hours earlier was freezing her from the inside out. She wanted something, anything to make the pain stop. She needed some dope. She wanted to feel okay again.
Then again, Quinn Fabray wanted a lot of things.
She wanted to beat her high score on Pac Man. She wanted to collect every color pen and duct tape available in the world and decorate an entire room with it. She wanted to breathe a sober breath and be happy about it. She wanted to go to college. She wanted someone to love. Most of all, she wanted to love herself.
Quinn could fill the Pacific with the things she wanted, but she could hardly fill her palm with those that she could actually see herself getting.
A large part of her was hoping that her body would be unable to handle the detox. If she just went ahead and died, she wouldn't be forced to deal with everything that was looming over her. The guilt, shame, disappointment, mental and emotional taxation of the "recovery process" would be irrelevant. You can't suffer from something you'll never have to live to experience. In reality, she was aware that detox wouldn't kill her, but the hope that it would led her mind somewhere else entirely. Rachel.
What would it mean to Rachel if Quinn decided to just end it? Of course, Quinn wouldn't have to deal with it if she did make that decision, but would Rachel be able to handle it? Would the beautiful singer be able to just bounce back or would it really mean something? Would it fuck her up for life or merely give her something to draw from during an audition for some Broadway show?
Quinn let out another loud groan. She almost couldn't believe the extent of her own selfishness. How could Rachel ever actually love her? She only loved the idea of Quinn, whatever her idea was.
A brief thought related to Rachel's pain upon finding her dying on the floor passed through her mind. She didn't even consider it enough for it to be classified as a complete thought before a guttural scream dripping with emotional turmoil ripped itself from her throat.
The room was suddenly filled with nurses as well as her mother. When she looked up at Judy, the floodgates failed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Her words started off softly and ended in desperate pleas. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!"
Quinn sobbed openly into her mother's shirt before exhaustion took over. She dreamt of a world in which she'd changed.
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