The elevator ride up was a slow, long one. One where she was left alone with her thoughts, meaning that she was also left alone with Saren. He didn't say anything, not after she refused to ask Miranda, but she knew he was there. It was almost like she could feel him still, she could sense his presence and it wasn't pleasant. He felt just as menacing as he did the day he died.
The door to her cabin opened the moment she stepped in front of her and her breath was taken away. Two desks, a large bed, a couch, and a fish tank, if she didn't know any better, she'd think it were a small apartment not a cabin for a military official. The room smelled of lavender and vanilla and the lighting was relaxing, it was like home.
They really didn't spare any expenses, he whispered.
She wanted to agree, because she believed it to be true, but she stopped herself. Acknowledging him meant that he'd talk to him more, she didn't think she could handle the stress of listening him talk for more than a second. Not after what she'd been through this single day.
Her body felt hot, like she was literally on fire. The floor felt like it was shifting beneath her feet. It felt difficult to suck air into her lungs, a feeling that she was getting rather used to. Rest seemed as if it would come natural to her, but when she looked down at the bed, all she could think about was Saren.
Him and her, locked in that room together. He sat where her friends once were. He turned her once happy dream into a nightmare in just a split second. Her fear of seeing him again, made her reconsider the idea of sleeping it off, this sickness that she has. She couldn't bring herself to. No matter how bad she wanted to.
Instead, she sat at the foot of the bed. The minute her bottom hit the cushion of the bed, she felt her eyes begin to try and flutter close. She stood back up very quickly, making the room spin a bit, knowing that if she sat around any longer she'd fall asleep right on the spot. Sleep would mean seeing him.
Jane took to pacing around the room instead. The repetitive movement would give her something to focus on and keep her awake. She could not go to sleep. She could barely rest without feeling like Saren would eventually come to see her face to face.
She gazed at her empty fish tank, occupying her mind with the kinds of pets she could get. She even had a perfect spot for a hamster. This was how she occupied her time for one full hour, then her terminal beeped with a message from the Illusive Man. Never had she been so happy to hear something from him, because it meant that she no longer had to think for herself.
I do not like that man.
Saren had said, but she ignored him. She took the elevator down to the command deck of the ship of her ship. It felt so familiar, so home like, yet so wrong. She thought this way the entire walk to the CIC, a room she'd never been to before.
Inside the room was a table, and nothing but a table. It confused her to no avail, she looked around for answers to her question. Was there a message terminal in the table? As she thought that, the table slid down into the floor, leaving the room seemingly empty, yet again, she was glancing around for answers.
"Please step on the terminal, Shepard," EDI informed her and she did hesitantly, watching as the scenery changed and the Illusive Man appeared before her.
He took a long puff of his cigarette, then blew the smoke up into the air, making her happy that she could not smell it. The smell of cigarette smoke always made her grimace.
"Shepard, I'm glad you're feeling better," he finally said.
No thanks to you.
"Well, you somehow managed to get one of the best doctors on your ship,"
"Your ship," he corrected, "and I was hoping someone like Dr. Chakwas would make you feel more comfortable."
She almost scoffed when he said this, "I am far from comfortable. I'd like some answers."
"Ask away. We both have questions for each other,"
Her mind was racing, filled with a million and one questions. She had so much she wanted to ask, so much he needed to tell her. Time felt infinite, but short at the same time. It was unknown to her whether or not he'd be able to answer all of her questions or if he'd just lead her on with riddles and short responses, he seemed like that type of person.
Ask him about what he did to you.
shut up, leave me the hell alone. She retorted.
"What did you rebuild me for? How the hell did you rebuild me?" She questioned.
Another long puff of his cigarette, "Shepard, I threw the money at the scientist, they did all the work. Miranda, she was the one who spearheaded the project, ask her about it, but I doubt she'll be very willing to answer."
"You don't know everything that goes on in your projects?"
"One question at a time, Shepard. Now let me ask you, do you love humanity?"
Not very much
"Of course I do!"
"Good good, now ask another question,"
"You must've spent a lot to bring me back, what did you do it for? You didn't answer that,"
"Humanity is at risk,"
"The Reapers?" She asked, her headache coming back full swing.
The pain made her feel like she was going to topple over, but she was not willing to show weakness in front of the Illusive Man. She was afraid of what would happen, afraid that he'd believe that more test would be needed, afraid he'd put her back in a lab. Why was she so afraid of the lab?
It wasn't a very pleasant experience, Saren spoke to her, she found it vaguely comforting, I could feel your heart beating when you escaped.
get out of my head.
"Something like that. Human colonies have gone missing just outside of the terminus. A colony just went missing about a few hours ago. I'd like you to go and look at the colony. Get information about, find out what you can,"
"How can I trust you?" She asked.
You cannot.
"And how can I trust you, Shepard?" He replied very calmly with another puff of his cigarette.
She looked down at the floor, looking at her feet. Then her hands. It was taking a lot for her to understand everything that was happening to her. Being dead and being brought back was such a hard transaction,and all the time she spent alive was even more harsh.
There was little time to just sit and think and with the time she did have, she was stuck with Saren. He was always with her, always speaking to her for some reason. Despite the fact that she knew he wasn't real, she knew that she had to acknowledge his existence when they were alone together.
"Alright," Jane responded blandly.
xXXx
She was stuck in another bumpy shuttle ride. One where her, Miranda, and Jacob kept looking at each other. Miranda was keeping a close eye on her, to make sure she wouldn't faint again, and Jacob seemed to be almost lost in his own world.
She wished she could trust Miranda enough to just tell her what was going on with her. If she could just tell Miranda that she'd gone mad and started hallucinating her former enemy, then maybe she could help, but at the same time, Miranda was with Cerberus. Of she gave someone like her control over her weakened body, who knows what would happen to her.
"We'll be reaching the landing dock soon, any orders?" Miranda asked.
"Watch out for survivors," she stated blandly.
"Shepard," Jacob began to protest, "There haven't been any survivors in any of the previous attacks."
"Watch. Out. For. Survivors," she growled back to him, putting a hard space between every single word.
It's a worthless act Shepard. You heard him.
shut up.
They hopped out of the shuttle, an assault rifle in hand. The weight of the gun, the feeling of the ground beneath her feet, the way her armor hugged her body, it all felt so natural it felt right. She felt at home when she was like this. She felt like she didn't need to think when she was like this.
She took off before she could even think, alerted by the sound of security mechs. Mechs meant guns, guns mean fighting, fighting mean that she didn't have to think about what was going on in her personal life. She just had to think about her targets that she had to shoot.
Her feet marched faster than her brain can think. Bullets spewing from her gun left and right. It was almost intoxicating, she never wanted to stop. But eventually she had to.
They finally encountered something that seemed to be non hostile. One of which have a voice that sounded for too familiar for comfort.
"Tali," she whispered, her eyes just barely grazing the suit of the woman before she lowered her gun.
The woman seemed to have matured even more. Her suit had grown slightly more advanced. The way her voice had more power behind it. She barely even seemed like that same girl who lost her mind over the ship's drive core. Tali was a woman now.
"Shepard," she responded, equally as surprised.
Her eyes draped over the woman multiple times, it was the same person, obviously, but she'd grown up so much. It only made her wonder what had happened to the others from the Normandy. Garrus, Liara, and even Wrex. Had they all changed like Tali had? Would they even care about her anymore.
Two years is long enough to be forgotten.
She grunted slightly from the headache, "What's going on around here, do you know?"
Tali looked back at the group of other quarians that she'd come with, almost as if she were asking for permission to tell her what they were doing. Tali didn't trust her anymore.
"We're looking for someone," she began, her voice robotic from the suit, "A friend, his name is Veetor. He was on this colony when it got attacked and we need to take him home."
"How do you know he didn't get taken up, like everyone else?" Miranda asked.
"Well, he was the one who programmed the mechs, he's here, somewhere,"
"We'll look for him too," Shepard assured, and Tali nodded.
"I'll keep in contact via radio," and then she was gone once again, off with her own squadron.
Shepard felt like she still had a million questions for Tali, none of which got answered in their short encounter. Tali, along with Joker and Dr. Chakwas, were the only things that felt familiar anymore and even though Joker and Chakwas were on the ship, they never fought with her. So outside of the ship, she was facing unfamiliarity.
She wanted to ask her how everyone else was doing, Kaidan, Wrex, Liara, and Garrus. She felt another strange sensation when she thought of Garrus, one where her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest and her mouth went dry. Nothing came of this though, she had too much on her plate already.
Really, for him of all people.
There was little time to think of the friends that she'd left behind when she died as the bullets were flying again. No more thinking, no more pain.
The enemies came and went too fast, leaving her alone with Miranda and Jacob. She wanted to fight some more, to kill more things, she wanted to not have to think anymore, but every mission required a bit of thinking.
Veetor had hacked a heavy mech and it was rampaging through the area. It'd killed some of Tali's squad, and Shepard could only grimace at the sight. Having someone die under your order was one of the most painful experiences, one that you could never leave behind. The memories of the death followed you, hanging on you like it was clinging to your back.
She shook the thought of Ashley and Jenkins out of her head, somehow, she was projecting herself and her experiences onto Tali. She couldn't do it. She had to stop doing that. Her experiences, Tali's experiences, they didn't matter. What mattered was that heavy mech that was marching around the area that led to Veetor. That's what required her attention.
Her feet carried her from one cover to the other. Her body felt so light, yet her head felt so heavy. It didn't bother her, she had a target, one that didn't go down easy.
"We can use overload on those shields!" Miranda called from the other side of the field, but Shepard didn't want to use overload, she wanted the fight to last as long as possible.
Bullets ripped through her cover, the heavy mech targeting her in particular. One of them hit her shoulder, but the pain barely registered with her, she didn't feel anything. She knew she'd been hit and it wasn't a scratch, but she didn't feel it, or she just didn't care.
The next went down with a large explosion that shoot the very ground beneath her feet. She held her arms out to keep stable as the last of the vibrations moved through the ground.
"Veetor's in there, move," she ordered. It felt like it'd been too long since she'd relayed an order to her squad, she'd almost forgotten that she had them.
They kicked the door down, finding a man that fit Veetor's general description sitting amongst a large group of screens.
He's a quarian, there aren't many of those in this specific are.
He didn't seem to notice them. He just continued to type away on his computer, mumbling to himself. Now that the light feeling she got while fighting had worn off, she began to grow annoyed. Her felt like it was going to burst open, and Saren made it no better. She just wanted to fight again.
"I don't think he can hear us, Shepard," Jacob piped up. Had she been quiet that long? Long enough for Jacob to make awkward conversation.
"He's probably traumatized," she said.
Shoot a few warning shots into the screen. That would wake him up.
She shook her head violently at the thought, gaining strange looks from Miranda and Jacob. They could not hear Saren so they did not understand her reaction to his horrible suggestions.
"Veetor," Shepard snapped her fingers next to his helmet, where he might be able to hear her, "I need to talk to you."
He continued typing along, mumbling and typing in this almost eternal loop.
Fire some shots, Shepard.
"Veetor!" She hollered. Ssye felt like she was losing her mind. There were too many voices, too many people talking to her at one time. Veetor and Saren and Miranda and Jacob, it was too much. She felt so much strain on her body.
Thankfully, her yelling somehow reached him, got him to calm down. He stopped typing, finally noticing the world around him and the people talking to him.
He stopped talking, Saren stopped talking. The typing stopped. It was quiet for the first time in what felt like forever, but it wasn't the other kind of quiet. The kind of quiet where she was afraid to hear Saren or the kind where she was lost in her own thought.
It was the kind where the world didn't feel as heavy. Where she could hear and feel her own breathing. This brief moment, almost twenty seconds. She felt alive in this twenty seconds. Similar to the way she felt when she fought, she felt calm.
He turned to face them for the first time. Despite the fact that he wore a mask, she could sense the disbelief on his face , "You're...human…"
