Chapter 1

Alone in a Room Full of Friends

My Will is Good - Port O'brien

"Denzel," my mother shouts up the stairs. "Get up. It's time to go visit your brother."

I shake my head and close my book. I'm in the kitchen like I have been since six. I can't sleep past dawn and she never remembers that. It's true she used to have to pry both Zack and Cloud out of bed with a crowbar, but things have changed.

"I'm in here Mom." I call, picking up my cereal bowl and rinsing it. I try to be nice to her about this kind of things. She still has lapses, especially when she's tired. It's not really her fault, but it still hurts.

"Oh." She comes through the doorway and an apologetic smile flashes across her face. "I'm sorry, of course you're already awake. I should have known."

"It's cool, Mom." I shrug. "Are you ready to go?"

"I think so." She digs through her purse. "Wallet, keys, cell phone. I'm ready."

I head for the door, but she pauses. "Maybe I should bring him an orange... They used to be his favorite."

I rub my arm awkwardly. "He won't eat it."

She gives me a pained look then drops her gaze to the floor. "I know... I can hope though."

I kick myself inwardly and give her a hug. This means a lot to her and I'm not being nice about it. "Sorry. If he doesn't eat it I will."

She smiles, but her eyes are still sad. "It's okay, lets go."

We're going to visit Cloud. We do every Sunday and it's another thing that always hurts. Almost all I can do when we're there is think about how we used to be.

We've never been a perfect family, not by a long shot. Mom and Dad got married right out of college and almost immediately after had Zack, then Cloud. I was born a little over six years after that. Poor mom, three boys. I kinda figure I was their attempt to have a girl.

Two years after I was born Dad died. He was an engineer and there was an accident. Someone was lax on safety measures. Someone else told him to do something that he shouldn't have. I was too young to understand. Too young to have many memories. So as far as I'm concerned it's always just been Mom and the three of us. She did well, she had a job yeah, but we were never second priority.

Because Zack and Cloud were so much older I ended up being the annoying younger brother. Tolerated, yes, but always too young to really understand. Cloud was better at tolerating me: he would answer my questions and let me hang out no matter what he was doing, even if he had friends around. Zack was enough older that our lives were like different countries. By the time I was old enough to be coherent, he was in high school and I wasn't even allowed to come downstairs if he had friends over.

They were like night and day. Zack took after dad: loud and boisterous, but with a core of steel. He never thought before he spoke and he never planned. Life was an adventure for him and he always said the best adventures were spontaneous. He had a dozen corny lines like that and at least a hundred groan worthy jokes, but everybody liked it. It was like he sucked people into his wake simply by smiling at them.

I know that Cloud always admired Zack and had a deep desire to be more like our oldest brother, but I always respected Cloud more. He was quiet and thoughtful. Things never blew up around him like they did for Zack. He never had many friends, just a few close ones, and if they didn't tolerate me, they were out. When he had something he wanted to say, he would rehearse it over and over again, until he knew every response possible.

I was pretty close to him, but when the accident happened, we were torn apart. His crash into the realm of the mental instability wiped out everything we had.

"They still haven't taken down the Christmas lights." Mom frowns as we walk up the front steps to the Institution.

When we lost the house, we lost the money to keep Cloud in a private hospital. He got shunted through a few government facilities and ended up here: The Shinra Institute of Psychiatry. It's sort of the lowest of the low, badly funded and most of their patients are right off the street. It's a bona fide nut house, but Mom refuses to believe that.

I shrug but don't say anything. It doesn't surprise me that christmas lights are still up. There are a lot of things that happen here because the patients go round the bend if they don't. I've seen people throw fits because the blinds are more or less than four inches off the windowsill.

We sign the visitors log at the front desk then make our way to the west wing, the high security ward. Cloud's not dangerous, I mean not really, not like some of the patients. But, if someone touches him, he freaks out, and if he can't get away from that touch then he gets violent. His doctor says that he's better off with the security because they have a better chance of protecting him from other people. I've seen the other wards and it makes sense to me. The other wards look like a daycare for adults, this one looks like a prison.

For example, once mom and I get to the west wing we have to present IDs and take visitor passes. After that we get buzzed through three layers of barred doors before we're in the actual ward. Once in the ward there are guards, lots of them. Big guys with radios and nightsticks.

We do this today and as soon as we're through the gates there's a nurse waiting for us. It's Jessie, she's the one who usually tells us what is going on. She's cool, she always remembers my name and she never says bad things about Cloud. Plus, I have to have respect for her, she's the only female nurse in the entire wing.

"Ms. Strife, Denzel, it's good to see you again." She greets us with a smile.

"Hello Jessie." Mom greets her, returning the smile and shaking Jessie's hand. "How has your week been?"

"Pretty quiet."Jessie shrugs and waves for us to follow her. "Cloud should be finishing up his session with Dr. Crescent any minute now. She would like to speak with you privately when he's done."

Mom frowns. It's not often that he's in a session on a Sunday and she always talks to his doctor, but it's usually after we see him. "Is something wrong?"

Jessie shakes her head and laughs a little. "No, everything is fine. The doctor was out of town so this is a make up session."

Mom visibly relaxes. She's always trying to pretend that he's not actually that bad. That he's just staying here because he wants to. She doesn't like to think about him being crazy.

Jessie leads us into the waiting room outside Dr. Crescent's office and we take a seat. Mom fiddles with her purse, I leaf through one of the two year old magazines they keep here, but I'm not really looking at it.

Realistically Cloud has gotten much better over the past four years. The whole touching thing is there, but when he first got here he was catatonic. He functions and responds now, but it's still jilted and short.

His doctor thinks that he's afraid of touch because of the surgery. He was tripping on some pretty serious stuff and because of it they couldn't put him under. They had to strap him to the operating table and do it while he was conscious and still tripping.

The other half of his problem is his memories. Sometimes he'll talk about something like he was the one who did it when he's not, Zack was. If you point out that it wasn't him he'll look confused for a moment then nod his head and agree. It's kinda like sometimes a little switch flips in his head and he thinks he is Zack.

"Ms. Strife, the doctor will see you now." Jessie walks up with Cloud behind her.

"Hello sweetheart." Mom rushes forward at him with her arms outstretched in a hug. He flinches and she checks herself mid motion. Like I said, sometimes it's hard for her to admit that there's something wrong with him. "I'm going to talk to the doctor," She sets her mouth in a hard line, "You boys go do something, I'll find you when I'm done." Then she's gone and so is Jessie. It's just Cloud and me, alone.

"Hey Cloud," I greet him. He won't talk unless prompted, not usually anyway.

"Hey Den," He shuffles his bare feet and stays several feet away from me. I'm occupying the middle seat of a three seat bench so he won't sit down. Not if it means he has to sit next to someone.

"How's your week been?" I ask pretending not to notice his discomfort. Dr. Crescent says it's better to talk to him like you would anyone else. She's pretty strict about us not treating him like a crazy.

"Fine." He answers like it's a final statement. That's normal for him, he almost never offers anything that can prolong the conversation.

I glance at him awkwardly. Usually mom is here to chatter at him. She'll talk for hours about living with the Lockhearts or customers at the diner. I don't think he cares about anything she says, but it means that I don't have to say much. "Anything happen?" I try again.

"No." One word answers again, oh good.

I stare at him in his pale blue hospital pajamas, sans the slippers. In this wing none of the patients are allowed to have personal possessions. The security says that too many things could go wrong so everyone has to wear the same uniform. His hair is a mess of blond spikes. I doubt he's combed it in weeks but then they only just let him start growing it out again so maybe he doesn't realize it needs it. It's probably his eyes that bother me the most. Before they were just eyes, but now, they're like stars of ice.

"Let's take a walk," I take pity on him and volunteer.

He nods and I get up to take the lead. I have to lead because he won't, he'll only follow. He walks about three feet back and a little to the side. Just enough that I have to keep my head at a completely uncomfortable angle to keep him in sight.

By now I know the layout of this place, where we're allowed to wander and where we're not. The common rooms and cafeteria are fine, along with two of the three hallways. The third hallway is solitary confinement, that's where all the really dangerous patients are so it's a good thing we're not allowed to go there. It's a good idea to avoid the offices too, sometimes sessions aren't pleasant and you don't want to be there when something goes wrong.

We're halfway through the common rooms when Cloud finally speaks. "How's mom?"

I think about this before I answer. He was still catatonic when she was at her worst. I don't think he even noticed anything was wrong until I got mad and screamed at him one day.

"She's fine," I shrug. "She tried to get me out of bed like she used to with you and Zack this morning but that's it."

I catch his flinch at Zack's name out of the corner of my eye and get a certain amount of bitter satisfaction out of it. I shouldn't, but I do.

He doesn't respond so I decide to go for gold. "Tifa's doing well. She's got a job at a bar downtown."

It takes me a second to realize that he's stopped walking and I turn to face him. He's staring at the floor and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "She's happy?"

My crazy twenty one year old brother is standing in the middle of the hallway in his ridiculous sky blue pajamas with his hair sticking out at unbelievable angles and asking if his High School crush is happy. I was hoping that mentioning Tifa would get a rise out of him, but I didn't expect this. I can't read his face, but the fact that it's something other than blank is freaking phenomenal.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Oh..." He shuffles his feet and shuts down again. "Good."

I'm still staring at him trying to get more when shouting echoes down the hall. "No, I wont."

A man burst out of one of the rooms further down from us. "I'm already pretty, I'm the prettiest man alive!" He shouts and I stare in consternation. He's huge, not just tall, but wide. Like one of those people that have so many muscles it's grotesque and I can see them all. In fact, I can see damn near everything, all he's wearing is a pair of underwear.

"Mr. Mukki," One of the male nurses follows him into the hall. "You have to take you're medicine."

"I don't need it. I'm too pretty." The man wails and shoves the nurse hard enough to knock him down. "I'm perfect!" He shouts again running into the other wall and punching it hard enough to crack.

I feel a hand an my arm and it almost jerks me off my feet as two giant guards come flying past us. They slam the muscled man into the floor and struggle to hold him down as he fights.

I let out a deep breath and glance up at my brother. His face is set in an angry scowl, wow two expressions in one day. It's then that we both realize that he's still holding my arm. He drops it like it's on fire and plasters himself to the wall in a knee jerk reaction.

Oh hell, Cloud touched me, this is not good. It's been a long time since we last made this mistake, but I can still see the shakes start. I take a couple of steps back and watch him raise his hands to his face. By now all of him is shaking and he starts whispering in a raw and unfamiliar voice. "It's okay... no no no... it's just Den."

I back off even more, it's helped in the past, but his whispering just gets louder. "It's not okay... he's your brother... he was touching me... it's okay."

He's scaring me pretty badly and I'm on my own. Down the hall everybody is still trying to subdue the big man. I start to go for help but before I go more than a few steps he calls out.

"No wait!" I turn back to see him standing normally and grinning. "Don't worry squirt, I'm fine."

My brother is grinning... but it's not him. It's not the half grimace he uses now and it's not the self contained little smile he had before. It's the lopsided half grin that Zack used to have. Damn, sometimes he slips into Zack, but I have never seen that grin on his face.

"Come on, let's go back." He waves the grin still there.

Normally I would remind him that he's acting like Zack, but right now I'm way too freaked out to say anything.

"It's okay." He takes a few steps towards me.

It takes a lot of will power to keep myself in place until he catches up but I do. He settles in the same place as normal, a few feet behind and to the side.

"Yeah," I force myself to say and try to keep my voice steady. "Let's find mom."

The grin drops and the usual blank face settles back across his features. I don't wait to see more, right now I don't want to know which brother he is in his head. I turn and start walking back to the office without even checking to see if he's following. I don't trust myself not to upset him.

Mom's quiet the whole way back to the house, I don't say much either. She only talked at Cloud for fifteen minutes when we got back. That's pretty short for her, but I didn't object. There's only so long I can stand being in that building.

Neither Cloud nor I mentioned the incident in the hall. I didn't even want to think about it. On one hand, I'm amazed that he actually brought himself to pull me out of the way of the guards, but on the other hand, that was still creepy enough to emphasize that he's freaking nuts.

Once we get home Mom and I part ways. I just want to be alone and I think she does too, because she doesn't object. Tifa offers me some lunch but I just wave it away and go hide in my room.

This eventually leads to the box in my closet. I try to stop myself, but this is one of those things I can never let go of. It will only make things worse, but I still do it. The Box is where I keep mementos, specifically mementos of my brothers. Mom insisted that we box up all their stuff, but these are things I kept.

Right at the top is the last book Cloud recommended to me. He used to read a lot and he was always suggesting one thing or another to me. I never read them, not before the accident. Afterward, I started reading them so he and I would have something to talk about that had nothing to do with Zack. Then I started reading because I liked them.

I never did read this one, I can't bring myself to open it. I sigh and place the book on the floor next to me. I don't know why I'm doing this, it's just depressing and pathetic. I already know everything in this box by heart. There's Zack's baseball glove and the nasty scarred ball he practiced with. A poster from Cloud's room for a band he had liked and I had always hated because all their songs sounded like whining. My favorite action figure which Zack had crushed into oblivion when I accidentally saved over one of his game files. A random rock that I picked up when we were on vacation in Costa Del Sol. The ragged hand me down shirt that had been Zack's favorite, then Cloud's, then mine.

I spread the items around me one by one. They're all things that hurt to think about, but the last one is still in the box. My hand shakes as I pick up the slightly discolored picture. It's not a family portrait, mom has all of those. I close my eyes and the memories of that day rush up like I'm there again.

"How's it going?" Zack asks sitting down on the couch.

"Not bad," Cloud shrugs from his cross-legged seat on the floor. "I beat Castle 3."

I look at my two brothers and smile. This is a group effort. We're trying to beat Super Mario World in as little time as possible.

"Nice," Zack leans back and grabs some popcorn from the bowl sitting between he and I. "Better hurry it up though, I've got a date in a couple of hours."

Cloud lets out an unintelligible snort. "Who is it this time?" I can tell he's jealous. He's told me that girls become a lot cooler when you get older. I don't understand what he means, the only girl I know is a spoiled little brat.

"Molly," Zack grins. "Same one I went out with last night."

"You mean the girl you were kissing behind the garage?" I pipe up, lulled into a false sense of security.

Zack shoots me a glare and Cloud turns to stare at us, while on the TV, Mario is doomed to a unknown death.

"You're making out with her behind the garage?" Cloud asks incredulous. "If mom catches you your gonna be in deep shit."

"Shut it munchkin." Zack hisses at me angrily. "Mom's in the next room."

"What?" I ask, not understanding why they don't want Mom to know.

Zack smiles in what seems like a kindly way, but I know I'm doomed. "Better keep that to yourself unless you want everyone to know about your little girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend." I protest backing away from him slightly.

"Yeah you do." His smile becomes an evil grin. "That girl Tifa babysits, Marlene."

"She's not my girlfriend, she's a brat." I protest a little too forcefully.

He smirks.

"Don't you dare," I narrow my eyes at him and glare.

His mouth opens.

"Zack," I try a panicked plea.

"DENZEL AND MARLENE SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." He starts to bellow.

I feel my face get hot with embarrassment as he continues the song.

"FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE, THEN COMES A BABY IN THE BAB... oof." His singing is suddenly cut off as I launch myself at him, hitting him in the ribs and sending the popcorn flying all over the room.

"Well well, looks like the ankle biter wants to wrestle." He grins and stands up lifting me by one leg. "Should I continue singing?"

Considering that he's seventeen and I'm eight, there's not much I can do. I swing by my ankle and try to land any kind of punch on him. My useless other brother is rolling on the floor laughing at our antics, Super Mario World completely forgotten.

"Oops..." Zack grins and almost drops me. "I'm slipping." Then he starts to swing me back and forth.

All of a sudden the room is filled with a bright flash of light and we all freeze.

"Don't mind me," Mom smiles at us over the camera. "Keep playing your little game."

The picture says everything about what we used to be and no longer are. Granted, that wasn't one of the best moments to remember about Zack, but for me, it's one of the most prevalent. Throwing me around and calling me annoying nicknames was just his way.

A drop of water hits the picture. Damn it, I'm almost sixteen I'm not supposed to cry. I'm supposed to be a man. I pile the stuff rapidly back into the box any old how and slam the closet door on it. Then I fling myself on the bed and bury my head under a pillow. This happens every time I do this, I should stop but I tell myself that every time and it never does any good.

At dinner I find myself just pushing my food around the plate. Mom seems subdued too and for the first time I wonder what Dr. Crescent wanted to talk to her about. Tifa's chatting away brightly and pretty obviously avoiding asking questions. Later she'll corner me and ask how Cloud is like she does every week.

Finally Mom gives a resigned sigh and sits up straight. "I have something I have to tell all of you."

"What's up, Madeline?" Mr Lockheart puts his fork down and gives her his attention. Tifa does as well, but I just continue prodding my food.

"Well..." Mom takes a deep breath. "Adam, you know I'm grateful for everything. You've been so supportive to us over the last few years and it's meant a lot to me. But I think it's time for Denzel and me to move out."

My fork makes a tinny clatter as it falls from my hands and there are cries of dismay from both Tifa and Mr. Lockheart.

"No really." She raises her hands to stop the protests already forming. "I've been thinking about it all day and I'm sure it would be for the best."

"How will you afford it?" Tifa asks incredulously.

"It will be tight," She gives me a faint smile. "But I'm sure we can manage. I should be able to go full time at the diner if I ask."

I glare at her, I like having an allowance again. I was looking forward to the possibility of getting a car in the next few months. Now she's telling me that we're going back into poverty?

Protests come from the other two as I stare. I can feel myself getting angrier and angrier. I try to control myself, but I know I'm going to burst soon.

"But Maddy," Mr. Lockheart says over his daughter's words. "What brought this decision on?"

She gives a faint smile and glances at her hands. "I spoke to Dr. Crescent today and the Institute is releasing Cloud."

There is dead silence for a second then Tifa smiles. "That's great!"

I stare at Mom, my mouth hanging open. Then my eyes narrow. That's it, she's doing it again. She's bending over backwards for him and denying me in the process.

"It is great, but why does this mean you have to move out?" Mr. Lockheart asks.

"Cloud isn't entirely stable." Mom sighs, "He's going to need special arrangements and a lot of patience. You've both helped us so much in recent years I just can't ask you to support three of us."

"You know we're happy to help." Tifa protests.

I can't take it anymore. I slam my chair back and stand up grabbing my still full plate.

"Denzel what's wrong?" Mom gives me a worried look.

"So Cloud is getting out?" I ask quietly. They stare but before anyone can say anything words come bursting out of me in a torrent. "When the hell were you going to tell me this?"

"Denzel language." She scolds standing up.

"Screw language!" I shout. "You never even asked me. What if I don't want to move? What if I'm happy here?" I throw my plate back on the table and dash upstairs before they can say anything. To hell with them all.

It's a little after midnight when Tifa brings me some chips and soda. I was expecting her; it's what she does. She's the peace maker. She'll already have spent some time reassuring Mom and now it's my turn.

She watches me silently while I crack the soda and have a few handfuls of chips. I glare at the wall and try to ignore her. I don't want to talk, but I know she'll get me to. She's got a talent for making people talk.

She sighs and leans back so she's laying on the end of my bed with her feet dangling just above the floor. "Do you want him to stay there?"

I glare for a moment but the anger is already draining away. Tifa is one of those rare people that calms everyone else down. It's hard to be angry in her presence.

"No," I answer sullenly. She doesn't speak and the need to fill the silence overwhelms me. "It's just not fair."

"What's not fair?" She asks staring at my celling.

I let out a frustrated sigh and shake my head. "Mom, I mean... I had to do so much to get us to this place, to get us stable..."

"And she did nothing." Tifa finishes for me.

"And she's throwing it away for him." I correct. "I worked so hard and she's willing to give it up just so he can be crazy here instead of there."

"You're a tough kid," She comments mildly. "He needs help more than you do."

"So I get punished for being the only one who held it together?"

"The world isn't always fair Den." She sits up and pulls at the edge of the bed. "It should be, but it isn't."

I stare out the window for a few minutes. I know she's right. It's not like I don't want Cloud to get out. I just want him to get out without Mom doing crazy shit to take care of him.

"I was at that party." TIfa breaks the silence and I stare at her.

"What?" I frown.

"The party Zack and Cloud were at the night of the accident. I was there." She continues staring at her hands. "Pretty much everybody in town was there though. There was this guy, Loz, he spent a lot of time trying to hit on me at school. That night he was following me around, trying to convince me to date him. I was trying to be nice about it, I mean he was a creep, yeah, but I wanted to have a good time. He just kept following me around and being really nice for once, he even went and got me a drink."

She pauses for a second and crosses her arms, gripping each arm by the elbow. I don't know what to say, she's never told me about this before.

"I don't know if I was stupid or just careless, but I was going to drink it. I was raising it to my mouth when Cloud just walked up out of the blue, snatched it out of my hand and slammed the whole thing. I got mad and yelled at him for stealing my drink. We argued for a little and when I looked around again Loz was gone. Then Cloud tripped and fell right into a coffee table." She sighs and shakes her head. "I thought he was drunk, I mean he was acting like it so I got him up and took him outside where he could throw up if he needed to. We were out there for about an hour and he just kept getting worse and worse. About the time he tried to pet my hair was when I went and got Zack. Zack took one look at him and decided that he needed to go home. I helped get Cloud into the car and sat with him until Zack came back with Sephiroth. Then I said goodbye. It was the last time anybody saw him." She sniffs and wipes some faint tears from her eyes.

Is she telling me that they left the party early because of her. Because Cloud was too drunk.

"One of the drugs they found in Cloud's system was Rohyphol," She must have seen my blank look. "Roofies Den, it was a date rape drug. I think it must have come from the drink he stole." She looks at me. "I don't have proof, but I think the other drugs came from that drink too. I wouldn't put it past Loz and I really don't think Cloud did all those willingly." She pauses again and I don't know what to say. They left the party because of her, she's the reason Cloud was/is so messed up. I want to say something, but I don't even know where to start.

"Your brother saved me Den, he saved me and hurt himself badly in the process. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I didn't tell anyone for a long time. When you called me the next day all I could think was that it was my fault. I was scared and still just a kid so I didn't even tell the cops." She's not crying, not really. There are tears in her eyes but they're not falling. "I destroyed your family, I owe you, I owe him. I have to do something."

Her voice fades and I feel full of anger. She could have told me sooner. She could have said anything and it wouldn't have been as bad as this. It's like two different bombs have been dropped on me today: not fair.

"Do you hate me now?" Her voice is soft but choking and I break.

"I don't hate you." I tell her fiercely and wrap my arms around her neck. It's true I don't, how could I hate Tifa? She's damn near raised me for the last four years, she's like my big sister. "It's nobody's fault." I declare squeezing her tighter. "It's just one stupid thing on top of another. You made a mistake, but so did everyone else. Cloud shouldn't have drank that drink and Zack shouldn't have let Sephiroth drive."

She laughs in a hiccuping sort of way and puts an arm around me, it makes me feel better. I'm not mad at her, maybe I'm mad at the world, but the last thing I want to do is hate Tifa.

We stay hugging for a few minutes then she gives me a pat on the arm and I release her. "We talked it over, your mom, Dad and I and you're not moving. We're going to clean out the storage room above the garage and Cloud can stay there. That way he has his own space and we don't have to do anything to the house." I start to interject, but she shakes her head. "Your mom's going to go full time at the diner anyway. Hopefully that will make up for having him in the house. I know this isn't going to be easy for you, I know that you feel like we're leaving you out. But both your mom and I need to do this, Den. It's important."


Ooh, we're actually going somewhere with this chapter. Den is particularly hard because I've only got a two hour movie and a couple of stories to pull his personality off of. There's just not a whole lot of information on him that gives you glimpses into his character too.

Big thanks to my reviewers: Azuki-san, mom calling and ffangelwing. I love you guys.

Another big thanks to my Beta readers: Holy Wolf, BananaPeaceMonkeyKarmi, myousa and my mum. They are awesome ladies.

Anyway, hope you guys enjoy the chapter. Review and let me know what you think. Especially if you think I'm doing a bad job (it helps me get better as a writer).

Thanks

Palo