Hi guys!
Thank you so much for the positive response to the first chapter! I was a little overwhelmed when I came back from work.
Just to clear a couple things up that caused confusion from Chapter 1, Kate does want the baby, but the timing of it makes her uneasy. This is explored more in this chapter, along with her own feelings on what made her leave Castle in the first place.
This chapter is a lot longer than the last one - I got a little carried way! There will be a third chapter, which is almost already done so should be up in the next couple of days. So, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter 2
Kate was stood outside the door of the loft, internally debating with herself if she should let herself in or not. She wasn't sure if she had the right to do so anymore, or if he would want her to. In the end, her reluctance to knock on the door of her own home won out and she pulled her keys out of her coat pocket before she could change her mind.
As she walked into the loft she realised she didn't even know if anyone was home, and judging by the empty living area in front of her no one was. She took a deep breath and closed the door behind her. Kate removed her coat and dumped it over the back of the sofa. She had left her duffel bag in the boot of her car, unsure if she would be welcome to stay.
Nausea rose from her stomach and Kate couldn't tell if it was nerves or the so called morning sickness she had been ignoring for a few weeks. She'd put it down to her current lifestyle at first. The lack of sleep, forgetting to eat and working all the time. She had been spoiled by Castle over the last few years, and her body was no longer used to the way she had lived before him.
Of course that hadn't been the case. It was hard for her to believe it had only been that morning she had taken the test, finally ready to admit to herself something else was going on. The moment the stick had turned blue every missed meal, every sleepless night came back and instantly haunted her with guilt. She still didn't know exactly how pregnant she was, although she guessed just over two months, but she felt like she was already letting her child down.
The nausea drove her into the kitchen to get a glass of water. She moved around the space with ease, finding it strangely comforting to be in such a familiar setting. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and moved over to the sink. Before she made it across the kitchen something caught her eye. She crinkled her eyebrows in confusion as she saw paperwork on the counter a few inches to her left. Castle never left paper work outside his office. As he'd once told her, they were a clumsy household and he had lost many a contract to his mother spilling a glass of wine at just the wrong moment.
Her eyes caught what was written across the top, and her heart jumped into her throat. Her details were written in a box, and Castles in another. The address on the top of the page belonged to his lawyer. Divorce papers. He'd drawn up divorce papers.
Now she really was going to be sick. The nausea increased tenfold, and she just about managed to make it to the trash can before she threw up.
He wanted a divorce.
Her hands shook as she moved over to the sink to fill up the glass still clutched in her right hand. The soft clink of her wedding ring as it hit the faucet mocked her. She took a sip of water, knowing if she drank much more she'd be sick again, and she stood facing the wall over the sink. Again, something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. It was his wedding ring. He'd taken it off. She picked it up and clutched it in her hand.
She had ruined everything.
"Kate?" His voice shocked her and made her jump as she turned around to look at him. They stared at each other for a second, each surprised by each others presence. "What are you doing here?" His voice was flat, but forced. She knew him well enough to know he could never be like that towards her. Even in their most bitter of fights, he always let her know how he felt.
"I needed to talk to you."
"And you couldn't call?"
"I didn't really think. I just found myself here." Her eyes flicked to the papers on the counter, and his did too. His eyes widened. Clearly this wasn't how he had intended her to find out.
"I was going to get them sent tomorrow." He explained.
"Why?" Her voice cracked, the emotion of the last new months finally getting the better of her.
"Why do you think, Kate? You left me. You didn't explain anything. What was I supposed to do?" He was angry. But so was she. Kate knew it was petty, and probably misplaced, but she couldn't help being mad at him for this, for giving up on her.
"You could have waited for me."
"How long was I supposed to wait, Kate? 6 months? A year? Several years?" He moved towards her, but still kept his distance. The physical distance between then in the kitchen was only a few feet, emotionally it was so much further, and she knew she had no one to blame but herself. "I thought this was what you wanted." He said quietly.
"No. I never wanted this. I just want to be with you." She cried. She was still holding his wedding ring tightly, wanting so desperately to make him put it back on.
"Then why did you leave?" His question sent them into silence, both of them knowing she couldn't, or wouldn't give him an answer. "Why are you here, Kate?" He repeated his previous question.
"I needed to tell you something." She walked towards him, they were now stood on opposite sides of the island in the kitchen. She placed his ring on the marble counter and slid it over to him. He looked confused for a second, and looked down to his left hand as if he had expected it to be there. Then it struck her. He'd taken it off to do the dishes. He'd forgotten to put it back on.
She felt the most relief she had felt in a long time as she watched him sheepishly slide it back on his finger.
"What do you need to tell me?" He looked dubious, as if he was trying to figure out what on earth had prompted her to arrive at their home late at night.
"I'm pregnant." She said it quietly, so quietly she thought he might not have heard her if she couldn't see the shock written across his face. He didn't say anything, just continued looking at her. "I took a test this morning," she continued "I haven't felt great the last few weeks, and when I thought about it I realised I didn't even remember when I'd last had a period. So I bought a test."
"How?" His voice broke through her rambling, which she was grateful for.
"I don't think I need to explain the how to you," She tried to joke, but instantly knew it had been the wrong thing to do. "Right, not the right time to joke." She cleared her throat and continued "I'm guessing I'm probably close to 9 weeks now, so it probably would have happened a few days before I started as Captain." The rest of her sentence went unsaid, knowing they both understood the implication.
She had fallen pregnant days before she had been shot at. Days before she had walked out on him.
"We weren't exactly being careful." She whispered. They had decided earlier in the summer, as she was at the end of a pack of birth control that they didn't want to prevent it anymore. He had said there would never be a good time to have a baby, that there would always be some reason to put it off. She'd agreed with him.
Now she realised how correct he had been. This wasn't good timing, at all. She loved her baby already, and she couldn't regret it, but the timing was awful.
"Please say something." She begged.
This was far from what she had wanted. Her dreams of him hugging her tightly as they checked the test together never seemed so far away. She had always imagined this conversation would happen between soft kisses and laughs, not stood on opposite sides of their kitchen counter with divorce papers in between them.
"Have you been to the doctor yet?" It wasn't what she had expected, but it was something.
"No, I called this morning. I have an appointment in a couple of days. I'd like you to come." She lost confidence towards the end of her sentence, unsure how he would react.
"Of course I'll come, Kate." She was so relieved she started to cry again, and the concern on his face made the tears come quicker. "Are you going to keep it?"
The nausea rose from her stomach again, and it took everything in her will power to not throw up for the second time in 15 minutes in their kitchen.
"How could you even ask me that?" She shouted, the anger coming back in full force. This was definitely not what she had expected.
"You don't exactly seem overjoyed by it all Kate. Would you even be here if you weren't pregnant? Isn't that the only reason you came back?" He stepped around the counter to stand next to her, able to look directly into her eyes because she still had her shoes on.
"I would always have come back, Rick. Maybe not this quickly, but I would have come back." She reached out to touch him, but hesitated at the last second. Her hand left in the air between them. "As soon as I found out I knew I had made a mistake. I left to protect you, but I took something with me that also needs protecting. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to the baby."
She wasn't lying, the idea was already tearing her heart in two. Before all this she didn't have a mark on her back, not anymore, not really. But she'd but it there. Firmly painted it back on herself, and she had inadvertently taken her child into the firing line with her. She'd decided earlier to drop the case, but was it enough? Had she already taken it too far?
"What do you mean protect me?" He grabbed the hand she had between them and held it tightly. His touch made her entire body feel like it was on fire.
"I'll explain it all, I promise, but you have to promise not to hate me." She begged, tears strolling down her face that she didn't even both to try and stop.
"Oh, Kate. I could never hate you."
He didn't hate her, she believed him when he said that, but he was definitely angry. As she explained the case, the latest information her and Vikram had found, she could see the anger rising in him, threatening to bubble over.
"It's not that I don't trust you, Rick. I just needed to keep you safe." At some point they'd moved to the sofa. They were sat next to each other, but apart. "I would never come back from losing you."
She expected an onslaught in return, everything she knew she deserved. She expected him to ask her if she thought he could handle losing her, but he didn't. He just stared at her for a few minutes before talking.
"I should have known that I'd never be enough." He muttered.
"That's not what this is about."
"Is it not? I thought we had put this to bed. I understand your need to solve this Kate, I've known that about you since I met you. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to shut me out."
"It made sense at the time. Still does to a certain degree. I'd rather you were alive, happy, and hating me than dead because of me." She grabbed his hand, more confident in herself this time.
"Don't you get it, Kate? I can't be happy without you." He implored, desperate to get her to see how he felt. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.
"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Rick." She whispered, he looked at her expectantly, unsure of her meaning.
"That morning, when Vikram called, I thought I could have it all. I thought I could be a good Captain, a wife, a mother at some point. Now I don't know anymore. This case comes back every time and tears me apart." She wiped a stray tear of her cheek, "And all I can think about is how it is so much a part of me its in my DNA, but what would I have done if we already had a kid when I got that call? I think I still might have left." She admitted, disgusted at her own admission.
She used to believe she could have it all, that she and Rick had taped the broken pieces of her back together enough for her to live a happy life. Now she didn't know anymore. She wanted it all, she wanted it all so badly it hurt, but she didn't know if she could have it.
"I think you need help, Kate. I think we need help." He squeezed her hands, and it was the most assured she had felt in weeks. "I don't want to get a divorce," hearing him say it lifted a weight off her shoulders she didn't know was there. "I want to live a happy life with you, with this baby and whatever future children we have."
She couldn't help herself anymore, and she launched herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. To her relief he hugged back.
"We can't just go back to how we were, you hurt me Kate. It will take us a while to get our rhythm back." She nodded fiercely again his shoulder, willing to agree to anything to get him to trust her again, anything to get them back to where they were. "We can do it all, Kate. We can have a family and still get justice for the people you've lost."
"No, they'll kill us." She panicked, the peace she had felt for the last few minutes dissipating.
"I'm not saying we go at it head first like you have the last couple of months, I'm just saying we can still do it. We've battled dragons before." He pulled away from her slightly to look at her, he ran a hand over her cheek lightly to wipe away another tear. "We can do anything, Kate. Anything you want."
"Right now I'd like to go to bed. With you." She said gently, worried he would be hesitant. When he nodded gently she smiled. "And I'd like to get rid of those papers in the kitchen."
"Consider it done." He responded, and he dropped a kiss to the top of her head before he went into the kitchen. Kate ran her hands over her face and took a deep breath before she stood up herself, exhausted and ready to sleep. "Kate," She turned and saw him stood in the kitchen, a strange look on his face.
"Yeah?"
"Do you know why it smells like vomit in here?"
She didn't sleep as easily as she had hoped. She turned to the alarm clock on the table next to her, and saw that it was just 3am. Part of her had, naievely, hoped that they would fall back into their natural rhythm when it came to their bed time routine but they hadn't. It had been awkward, and stifled. By the time she left the bathroom he was already in bed, back facing to her side. She had climbed in beside him, longing for the nights not that long ago when they would have fallen asleep in each others arms.
Kate knew she had no one to blame but herself, so she couldn't begrudge him being careful with his own heart. She sighed to herself, seeing the time now said 3:05 and turned over to face his back. She shuffled up to him and laid down as close to him as she could without touching him and willed herself to sleep. She eventually drifted off into an uneasy sleep, her last conscious thought that she had forgotten how comforting his smell was to her.
She had nightmares of faceless dragons and her faceless child, and when she woke her husband still had his back to her, even though she could tell she had woken him up with her dreams.
She had made this choice, had created these consequences. She could live with them until he was able to forgive her enough to love her openly again. Kate just hoped it wouldn't take him too long.
Please let me know what you think!
As for what I said about the "Kate hate" in the last chapter, I was pleased that most of you who reviewed felt the same. Kate Beckett is an incredibly flawed character, and always has been. It was only after Bracken was arrested that we saw her fully allow herself to be happy with Castle. She was happy with him before, you can't deny that, but theres definitely a shift. The end of 8x02 broke my heart, but its true to character in my opinion. She gets blind-sighted by her mothers case and I don't know what would stop her. At least this time, she had the wherewithal to realise how dangerous it was to go head first into it and made a (albeit bad) decision to try and protect the person who means the most to her.
Anyway, I digress. Again. I've got to stop with these crazy Authors Notes!
If you enjoyed this, please check out my other stories. I've currently got a AU story thats ongoing, which is due to be updated soon. Its all a bit cutesy at the moment...but won't be for long! I'm also writing a couple of more lighthearted one shots to help combat all the angst.
So, please review and check out some of my other stuff!
Thanks xx
