Chapter 1

Hello, my name is Georgia Lass.

Friends call me George, but I'm not looking to be friends with you.

Why?

Because by the time we meet, you'll be dead.

Let me reintroduce myself.

My name is George Lass, Grim Reaper. External Influence Division.

I reap the souls of the newly departed, and allow them to go on their way to where ever the hell souls go. Eventually, when I reach my 'magic' number of souls, I get to go too.

You see, I'm dead.

Or am I undead? I was never quite sure on this. Guess I'll stick to what I already said.

I'm dead.

Wasn't my fault. I didn't OD. I didn't crash my car. I looked both ways before crossing the street.

So how did I die?

Basically, the Universe pulled out its giant 'Fuck-with-me' gun, and pulled the trigger.

I have the dubious distinction of dying from the MIR Space Station's toilet seat.

Don't laugh. It's not very funny to see in your last moments, a flaming zero-g toilet seat hurtling right at you.

Right after, I met Rube Sofer. He's the head of our little group of Reapers. Even as my body lay smoking in the crater, he was there calmly talking to me as I freaked out about being dead.

And then he decided to try and cheer me up.

The dick.

He took me to my autopsy!

How the hell does that cheer you up?

It was disturbing to say the least, but I couldn't decide what was worse:

Being dead, or that the first man to touch my naked body was the Coroner.

That's when I found out I wasn't going beyond…….

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George looked away from the morgue.

"This has been lovely and all," she said to Rube, "But don't you think it should be time we were going?"

"What?" Rube asked, "You got some place to be?"

"I don't know." George replied, looking confused. "Do I?"

"Well you got to stick around till your body's been laid to rest."

"I'm meat in a zip-lock!" George snapped, "How much more rest do I need?"

"That's not important. What is important is that you say a proper good bye to this life before you say hello to the next one."

More confusion.

"What do you mean 'The next one'?" George asked. "What? Am I being reincarnated or something?"

Rube walked from where he was standing and leaned down until he was looking right into George's eyes.

"Don't be an ass." He stated.

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I got to experience my funeral.

Enough said about that.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Later, Rube and I were sitting outside my, former, house.

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"So what's next?" George asked. "Onward and upward?"

"Onward." Rube replied, "Not upward. No pearly gates for you. No choirs of Angels either."

"You dick! You're sending me to Hell?"

"Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting." Rube replied, "You little dead girl are going to be a Grim Reaper."

George blinked.

"Huh?"

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You ever wonder how many people die each day?

Don't worry, neither did I. Until I was dead.

Basically, it is the responsibility of the Reapers to 'reap' the soul either just before, or upon death. We then guide that person to the beyond, or at least to the point where they travel on without us.

Ideally, we want to be at a person's death before they die. They look much better post death. Otherwise they carry the nasty scars and injuries that killed them throughout eternity, or at least that's what I was told later. The way it works is Rube gets a note, which has a list of names and times. He then writes these names and times onto a Post-it note, and hands them out to us (meaning his team of Reapers) as our 'appointments' of the day.

Yes. Death comes by Post-it note.

Sick isn't it?

Gets worse.

My Division of Grim Reaperness is the External Influences.

What does that mean?

Well first, it means I don't get to deal with the leading causes of death.

That's too easy and, most of the time, too clean.

I get the nasty stuff.

External Influences include:

Murder. Suicide. Accidents. Etc.

What's Etc?

My first day I saw an Etc.

She died by a falling piano.

I'm serious.

Now just because we're Reapers doesn't mean that we are the ones that do the actual…….well we aren't the ones that get our rocks off dropping pianos on people.

Those are the Gravelings.

Little demony like things, almost like evil Oompa Loompas. They are the ones that kill people. But it's not like they are evil. They just have a job to do.

Fate says this person is destined to die on this day, and the Gravelings make sure it happens.

Ah Fate.

I'll get back to them in a bit.

I never left the city I died in.

This raised a question. What if I ran into my family?

Mason explained it to me.

Who's Mason? He's this English Reaper who, when alive, got really high one night and decided to drill for his brains…….with an electric drill.

He died of course. But I don't think he found what he was drilling for. I don't think it existed to begin with.

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George and Mason were walking down the sidewalk along a busy street. He then noticed something ahead of them in a shop window.

"Hey." He called out, "Look."

George looked over to see a TV store with a video camera looking out into the street. Coincidently, at Mason and George.

"This is what we look like to the living." Mason stated.

George stared at the image on the screen before her. She'd been told many times by her mother how pretty she was, not that she'd cared. But the image before her…….

"Holy shit." George said.

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It was freaking me out.

I mean REALLY freaking me out.

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"Who decides what we look like?" George asked, staring at the image before her.

"I don't know." Mason replied, studying his image, "Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up."

"If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two." She looked at Mason. "You think she's pretty?"

"Umm." Mason replied, "Not as pretty as you."

George looked back at the image on the TV.

"Whatever."

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Like I said, I never really cared about my looks….but still……

Besides Rube and Mason, there's Roxy Harvey and Daisy Adair.

When I met Roxy, she was a meter maid. She got fed up with it and became a cop.

I feel bad for the criminals. Roxy can beat anyone's ass.

From what I was told, it was Roxy who invented leg warmers. Somehow she died by them too. I think she's a bit touchy about that, so never mention it.

Daisy…. Sweet wonderful Daisy.

She is…was…. an actress. Apparently she was connected to several famous actors in her day….but not in the way you think. Let's just say that she knew them intimately and leave it at that. She died on the set of Gone with the Wind during the fire scene. At least the movie got an Oscar. Right?

There was one other Reaper of note. She was my friend, my first real post death friend, but she followed this guy onward and vanished. I've thought about asking where she went, but I've chickened out repeatedly.

Now let's get back to Fate.

According to mythology, Fate are these three chicks that control the destinies of all of us. It's up to them how long we live and when it was time for us to die. In reality, they don't do that anymore. In fact, after hearing what happened to me, they cried……well….three of them did. The fourth kinda laughed her head off.

The bitch…..

Wait, I said there were three fates right? So how did a fourth get in there? Well remember, I said according to mythology there were three. In reality, there was a fourth. She was born in 2001.

I'm really screwing with your head now aren't I?

Don't worry, I had issues with it too. But I got an explanation right from the source. But before I go there, I have to give you a bit of background on how I met her.

The year was 2040.

I had now been a reaper for 37 years. Rube and Daisy were still around, though they had now passed the 100 year mark since their death. We all knew it would only be a matter of time before they finally reached their quota and left, but until then, here they were. I was actually kinda glad Daisy was still around. She had become an older sister to me by this point.

Unfortunately for all of us, Mason was still with us.

Maybe Roxy could shoot him again. That was a hoot.

The day started off bad.

Mason decided to throw up in the living room of the house we were squatting in. (I'd like to note that even though we do reap the souls of the dead, we don't get PAID for it.)

It's always wonderful to see chunky half digested bits of whatever splattered across the couch first thing in the morning, don't you agree?

Well Daisy and I don't.

I drove us to the Der Wafflehous. I still can't believe this place has been here for almost forty years, until I walk inside, and then yes, I can believe. The interior, well, quite simply put, it's dated. Forty years to be exact.

Rube likes it, but then he also likes to listen to the radio.

I suppose one day I'll be laughed at for liking to watch TV, probably when everything is a hologram or something like that.

Fuck. I went off track. Sorry.

So the three of us get to Der Wafflehous and go inside. Rube and Roxy are already there. Daisy and I were still pissed off about the puke, and had been letting Mason know it the entire ride over.

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"I still don't see why you're so bloody pissed off." Mason said as he sat down.

"You threw up in the living room." Daisy replied.

"So?"

"It was on the couch!" George said. "You know how nasty that is!?"

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Very fucking nasty.

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"It's not like I haven't thrown up before!" Mason replied.

"Yeah but this wasn't your normal puke." George said, as she sat down next to Daisy in the booth. "What the hell did you eat last night?"

Mason sighed, "It was my Reap, alright? He was some guy who lived off the bloody land. Only way I could get close to him was to share a rabbit with him."

"Those chunks were a fucking rabbit?" George asked.

"I imagine so." Mason pulled something out of his pocket. "I got the foot if you want it."

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You know, there are times when Mason can say the sweetest things, and I wonder why I think he's a jackass.

Then I remember things like this and I know why.

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"Why the hell do you have a dead animal foot with you!?" Roxy said.

"It's lucky!" Mason replied.

"Not for the rabbit." George muttered.

"Are you all done?" Rube asked.

"I am." Mason said, putting the foot back into his pocket. "What do you have for me today? A Celeb Reap?"

"If there is one, Rube will give it to George." Roxy said, "He's got a sweet spot for her."

"Hey!" George shouted, "I don't ask for the damn things!"

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Yeah! What I said! Not my fault Rube calls me Pumpkin.

Don't you get any ideas on calling me that.

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Rube let out a sigh as his people argued amongst themselves.

"Hey!" Rube finally shouted, "Knock it off."

The other Reapers went quiet.

"Today's different." Rube began, "It's audit day."

Roxy, Mason, and Daisy all groaned. George looked at them confused.

"Audit day?" George asked, "We get audited?"

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Great, there's an IRS for the dead?

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"Every fifty years or so," Rube explained, "The higher ups send someone to make sure we're doing things right."

Mason turned and looked at George.

"They have huge files on us that have everything we've done in there."

George's eyes went wide. "What do you mean 'everything'?"

"He means everything." Roxy said, "Mason here got chewed out last time by the auditor because he went and got high before he went on a Reap."

"I needed a little pick me up!" Mason protested, "I can only handle so much! The bugger went and got squished by a train."

"Depressing." George muttered, "So anything we've done is under the microscope."

"That sums it up Pumpkin." Rube said.

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Ugh…….I'd rather they forget a few things……

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"Great." George muttered.

"So when is this over rated Reaper coming?" Mason asked.

"Soon." Rube replied He threw a glance over his shoulder.

"Good." Mason said, "The sooner the fucking auditor gets through the sooner we can relax."

"You plan on getting high again." Roxy said.

"Why the fuck not?" Mason asked, "That basterd up there lets us do his dirty work, then sends someone to tell us what we're doing wrong!"

Rube glanced over his shoulder again.

George frowned. What was he looking for?

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OH!! I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!!

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"Uh Mason….." Rube began.

"I mean aren't you sick of it?" Mason asked, "We've been Reaping for over sixty years!" He glanced at George. "Well forty for you. But we still don't get paid!"

"Get a job!" Roxy growled, "The rest of us have."

Mason snickered, "Right. Like I'm going to get stuck in a dead end job. I think if we do his dirty work, the big basterd could at least pay us for it."

"Mason……." Rube said again. He was still tossing glances over his shoulder.

"No Rube! Seriously! George feels the same way! Don't you George?"

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Mason always has to bring me into it when he's sticking his foot in his mouth.

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"Leave me out of this." George muttered.

"Oh I see. Now you're siding with 'Daddy' over there. Come on! Even you said the big basterd upstairs should……"

Mason was cut off as lightning struck a power pole outside the restaurant. The lights flickered inside the building, before returning to normal.

"I think someone is rather annoyed with you Mason." Daisy said.

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I'll take angry wrathful God for five hundred Alex.

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"Oh you have no idea." A voice said from beside us. We all turned to see a brown haired woman standing before our table. She looked to be slightly Asian, in her twenties or so. She also had odd blue markings on both of her cheeks under her eyes, as well as another on her forehead. Rube sighed before turning to his people.

"This is Sayoko, the auditor." Rube said.

"Oh I think I ought to give you my complete title." Sayoko said, glaring at Mason. She held her hand up, empty. A quick flick of the wrist, and several small cards appeared in her grip. She handed them out to those seated, who quickly read the print on the card. Mason gripped the card tightly as he read his. George was the first one to look up.

"Goddess?" she asked, "Why do you have the title of Goddess?" George then turned to Rube. "You didn't tell me we could have titles! I could be Empress George!"

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A girl can dream can't she?

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"We don't have titles." Rube said. He glanced at Sayoko. "You were never a Reaper were you?"

Sayoko shook her head.

"I am Sayoko Morisato, Goddess First Class, Type Two, Unlimited." She said, "My domain is the present."

"Hah!" Mason shouted, "You can't be a Goddess! There's no such thing as….."

Sayoko's eyes flared white. In a flash, Mason vanished, causing everyone at the table to jump.

"Not that I mind the silence." Roxy said, "But where did he go?"

"Oh," Sayoko said, "He's probably at around 40,000 feet and falling."

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I like her. I really do.

You have no idea how many times I've wanted to toss Mason out of my car.

At high speed.

Head first.

Into a wall.

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Daisy's eyes went wide.

"You really are a Goddess?"

"Yep." Sayoko replied, "Born and raised." She glanced at her watch. "That should be enough." Her eyes flashed again, and Mason reappeared in the booth, screaming.

"You can shut up now." Roxy said.

Mason looked at Sayoko wide eyed.

"You…you…you……"

"Now I expect you're done calling my grandfather a 'basterd'," Sayoko said with a slight glare. "Let's get this audit done."

"Yippee." George muttered.

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Yes, let's get our wonderful audit done after one of the members of our group has just insulted you and the creator of the universe.

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Sayoko started to pull a file out of her bag when a strange smell reached her nose.

"What is that?" she asked as she crinkled her nose in disgust.

The others sniffed around. Then Roxy leaned over and sniffed Mason.

"Jesus Christ!" She shouted, "What the fuck did you do?"

"I was falling from the bloody sky without a bloody parachute!" Mason shouted.

"You wet yourself?" George asked, trying to move further from Mason. Daisy also scooted further from him.

"YES!" Mason shouted, "I pissed myself are you happy?"

Sayoko just shook her head as she flipped open a briefcase and removed a file.

"Roxy Harvey."

Roxy raised her hand. Sayoko was quiet for a moment, then looked up over the file.

"You caused someone to miss their appointment?" she asked.

Roxy gulped and sunk in her chair slightly. Rube turned and looked at Roxy.

"When did you do that?" he asked.

"Just a bit after George joined up." Roxy replied.

"Not like I had a choice in joining up." George muttered.

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Damn 'Fuck-with-me' gun.

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"Right." Sayoko paged through the file, then closed it. Placing Roxy's file back in the brief case, she then pulled out a huge thick file.

"Mason."

"THAT'S MY BLOODY FILE!!??!" Mason shouted.

"Damn." George said, "It's like a foot thick!"

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I do believe the bible and dictionary combined are thinner then Mason's file.

Sad thing is the idiot has only added to that file.

I think they gave up and dedicated a filing cabinet just to him.

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Sayoko opened it and read through a few pages. Her eyes snapped up several times, glancing Mason over.

"Did you really steal the underwear off a corpse?!?!"

George, Daisy and Roxy all stared at Mason in shock.

"It's not like they were going to use it." Mason stated.

"Ewwww." The three female reapers muttered.

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Sure we squat in Dead People's homes. Sure we eat their food (if that isn't what killed them). Sure we'll take their money (if they leave it laying around).

But their underwear?

Nasty.

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"Ok they weren't going to use it," Sayoko said, still reading, "but what were you going to do with ladies underwear?"

"I uh……" Mason stuttered, getting glares from the women.

"Daisy," George said, "We are so counting our panties when we get back."

"I agree."

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They were all there by the way.

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Sayoko went through a few more sheets, then closed the file.

"That is some of the most disgusting, despicable, perverted….……" Sayoko shivered all over, "I'm glad I only have to put up with you for today."

"Lucky you." George muttered, "We get him for our entire afterlife."

Sayoko went through Daisy's file.

Her eyes widened at a few pages, and she glanced at Daisy and Mason curiously, but overall she didn't say much.

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She knew about Ray.

It was all there in black and white.

Who's Ray?

He was this asshole that dated Daisy for a bit. He wasn't a pleasant man, and Mason accidentally killed him. I never did get the complete story from them. But here's the important thing.

Ray died without a post-it.

He wasn't supposed to die.

Thus, he came back to life as a Graveling.

A severally pissed off one.

He caused a lot of problems.

Then I reaped the little basterd.

Sayoko knew all about Ray.

Like I said, it was there in the file.

She was being nice.

Very nice.

She never mentioned it.

Did I mention I liked her?

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Sayoko then went though Rube's file. Then she pulled out the last file.

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Drum roll please!

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"Georgia Lass."

"George." George said, "I go by George."

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Somehow it feels really wrong to be correcting a Goddess.

Fortunately, Sayoko is a New Age Goddess, and didn't mind.

As to the swearing…….Ah fuck it, she's said worse things.

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"George, right." Sayoko read over the file, muttering a few 'un huhs', 'ohs', and 'mmhmms'. She then looked up at George. "Been busy haven't you?"

"Yeah well…….." George muttered.

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Yes, my file listed everything.

Everything.

All my fuck-ups from my first and second years. As well as a few from my fourth, fifth, sixth….uh…you get the idea.

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Sayoko looked at Rube. "Part of the Audit includes going on a pick-up."

"You mean she's gonna come along for a Reap?" Mason asked.

"Not with you." Sayoko growled.

"Who did you have in mind?" Rube asked.

Sayoko pointed at George.

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Aww damn, not the 'Fuck-with-me' gun again.

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"Me?" George asked, surprised, "Why me?"

"You're about the only one here even close to my age. Anyway…….." Sayoko looked back at Rube.

Rube pulled out his day planner and opened it up, revealing several post-it notes. Sayoko's mouth dropped.

"You…..they….." she stuttered, "You give out death on POST-IT NOTES?!?!?"

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I hear you.

Oh boy do I hear you.

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Rube shrugged, "They're hard to lose."

"Right….." Sayoko sighed, then looked back up at George. "Well come on. Show me how you do it."

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It's all in the wrist really……..

Nah just kidding.

So Sayoko and I went out into the world to reap a soul.

But I'll share that story with you later.