Chapter 2
Three days passed and Sebastian was beginning to wonder if perhaps he'd made a mistake staying with Hawke. The man hadn't spoken two words to him since the day he'd arrived. Hawke didn't even acknowledge his presence, not even when he sat right across from the man at the table during supper. Bethany was civil to him, but didn't bother trying to actually talk with him. Her energies seemed to be focused on her brother. Fenris occasionally talked with him, but their conversations avoided anything having to do with their past history. They talked about things like the difference in weather between Ferelden and The Free Marches. The rest of the time he spent practicing with his sword.
Merrill was the only one who talked with him for any length of time. No, it was more like she talked at him, chattering away like a magpie. All he had to do was nod or grunt on occasion. He wondered how the others had managed to keep from gagging her sometimes. He tried to steer their conversations towards recent events, but she was very good at changing the subject, and eventually he just gave up.
So, for the most part, he spent his days practicing with his bow and exploring the immediate area around the clearing. Ripper would occasionally go with him and he had to admit he rather enjoyed the hound's company. The dog accepted his presence among them and for a short while he could pretend that he was once again part of the group. At night, he retired to his tent and tried to convince himself that it was worth staying. But, it wasn't until the fourth day that he actually began to think that maybe his presence was doing some good.
Early in the afternoon he sat beside the stream cleaning his equipment. He was so absorbed in the task that he didn't notice when Merrill came to sit beside him. Her voice at his elbow made him jump a little.
"You don't seem to be happy to be here," she stated.
He eyed her sidelong as he replied, "You convinced me that my presence might help Hawke. So far, there's been no sign that it is helping."
"That's not true," the girl shook her head. "He watches you, you know." She saw the surprise on the prince's face and chuckled. "It's true. When you practice with your bow, he stares right out the window at you. Of course, I can't tell what he's thinking, but I think it's a good sign."
"Merrill, he hasn't even returned any of my 'good mornings'," Sebastian sighed and put down the bow he was working on.
"True, but then he never returns mine either," she giggled.
"I'm sorry, but I don't share your opinion that my presence is needed," he stated flatly. "You're the only one who bothers to spend any time with me, besides Ripper of course. I didn't really expect anything from Bethany, but Fenris and I used to be friends. At least I thought we were."
"Well, he was angry at you for the longest time," Merrill pursed her lips. "Then he got past that and was just disappointed-"
"What? Why?"
"Because you abandoned Hawke at the end," she turned to look at him. "You made Hawke choose between you and the man he loved. Then you turned your back and walked away when he didn't side with you."
"I had every right to-"
"No, you didn't," Merrill hissed angrily. "How many times did Hawke stick his neck out for you, put his life at risk for you, without expecting anything in return?" She saw the prince open his mouth for an angry retort and cut him off. "The one time he needed you to stand by him, you didn't."
"I loved Elthina," Sebastian snapped. "How could anyone expect me to stand by Anders afer that?"
"He didn't ask that, he asked you to support him!" she said firmly. "You let your anger at what happened blind you to everything else. You abandoned him. Worse, you threatened to come back and destroy him and Anders."
"I said I would hunt Anders down," he retorted.
"Do you really think that Hawke would have just handed Anders over without a fight?" she asked softly. She saw him frown and look away. "If you had managed to raise an army and come looking for them, you would have had to fight all of us Sebastian, Fenris included."
"You would have stood by him, even then?" he was shocked.
"That's what you do for your friends," Merrill stood up. "Now I think Fenris just doesn't know how to talk to you. He never was very good at conversation, and he still likes to brood too much. He's not good at expressing his feelings still. If you want answers, you'll have to ask him, start the conversation with him." She started back towards the hut, "Think about what I said Sebastian."
As the sun started it's downward turn to the horizon, he did think about what Merrill had said. He realized that he never really expected the others to fight him. He just assumed that, when facing a large army, they would hand the abomination over. He recalled all the times he watched Hawke take on overwhelming numbers of monsters, thugs, raiders, Tal-Vashoth, and Coterie. Even if he'd managed to bring a hundred men, that still might not have been enough to capture Anders. Not if Fenris and the others stood behind Hawke. At the very least, it would have ended in more than just the death of the apostate.
"I'm not sure what you expected of me."
Sebastian jumped at the sound of Fenris' voice so close to him. He'd not heard the elf approach. "Merrill spoke with you I take it."
Fenris eyed the prince for a short time before seeming to come to a decision and sat opposite him. "I've not had many friends in my life. Hawke was the first. You were the second. When you turned your back and walked away, I questioned just how much of a friend you were. It felt like all the things you, Hawke, and I shared meant nothing."
"I couldn't just stand by and watch that murderer walk around free," the prince snapped.
"The whole city was falling apart, Meredith was on the warpath, and Hawke was putting his life on the line," he retorted. "He needed his friends, all of them, and you walked away. I didn't understand then how you could just turn from those you called friend when they needed you most, and I still don't understand. It wasn't about Anders, or Elthina, or Meredith, or mages. It was about having those you trust at your back, standing by you through the good and the bad. You failed in that your highness."
"So you are holding it against me," Sebastian scowled.
"Not anymore," Fenris shook his head. "But, you lost my trust Sebastian, and probably Hawke's as well."
"Is that why you avoid me?"
"For the most part," he answered. "I no longer trust you, so I no longer feel comfortable discussing anything other than the mundane with you. If you expected things to be different, then you're more naive than Merrill."
For a long while they sat in silence. Finally Sebastian asked, "Would you really have fought me?"
"Even without all I owe Hawke, I would have," Fenris growled. "He is my friend, and I will stand by his side no matter what. That is the point I'm trying to make you see. If he decided to fight you, I would have joined him, no matter how much it would have pained me to do so. And for the record, you didn't bring nearly enough men with you to fight us."
"I guess I was expecting too much thinking you would just hand Anders over."
"Yes, you were," Fenris stood up to leave. "It is a moot point anyway now that Anders is gone." He stopped after going only a few paces and turned for a parting shot. "If you don't like it here, then when your man returns I suggest you leave with him. You have no friends here your highness."
The finality of that last statement felt like a punch to the gut, he actually bent over a little at the waist. A bleakness settled in his heart. If he truly had no friends here, then he had no friends at all. The men who followed him did so because they acknowledged him as their rightful ruler. They weren't his friends, not even Reginald. There were nobles loyal to him back in Starkhaven, but they weren't friends. How could they be? He'd been given to the Chantry at the age of 13, and sent away from the principality. He didn't even know them.
As he thought more about it, he realized that his only true friends these past years had been Hawke and Fenris. He had acquaintances in the Chantry, and Elthina had been like a mother to him, but he'd had no real friends there either. That damn abomination took that away too.
No, you did that yourself. His conscience mocked him.
He scowled and tried to argue with himself that it wasn't the case, to no avail. Anders destroyed the Chantry yes, but he didn't make him walk away. That had been all on him. A memory stirred of a conversation he'd had with Elthina after finding out the truth behind the Harimmans' betrayal. In the course of the argument, she'd accused him of not being serious about his vows. She'd told him he was as impulsive as the day he'd arrived at the Chantry. She hadn't wanted him swearing more vows that he would abandon the next time his passion took over.
Maker, she would be disappointed in him. He'd behaved exactly as he'd always done, letting his temper, his passion rule his actions. He looked down at the armor he was wearing and seriously considered getting something else. The armor was supposed to be an affirmation of his dedication to the Chantry, but he hadn't been worthy of it in years. Then his eyes fell on the longbow at his feet. It had been his grandfather's and Hawke had found it and returned it. He hadn't asked for a reward. Instead he had listened attentively to the story of the bow. Sebastian smiled remembering how Hawke had made the bad joke of not being able to shoot his family at his enemies.
Other memories came to him of times when Hawke had cracked some joke or made light of a situation. At first he'd been a little appalled that the warrior could be so crass. Over the years he'd come to realize that it was the way Hawke dealt with danger or adversity. Even after his mother had died, Hawke had hidden his pain from the world, hiding behind jokes and smiles. Sebastian sometimes wondered if anything could ever really dampen the man's spirits.
Looking over his shoulder towards the hut, he tried to see if Hawke was there watching him. As he did so, his gaze passed over the lone grave at the treeline. It was jarring to realize that the death of the abomination could bring Hawke to the edge of despair, but there was no denying the truth. Hawke was a broken man, one that the others feared couldn't be fixed.
He shook his head and got to his feet. Maker's breath he was becoming maudlin. Fenris was right. If his presence here wasn't doing anyone any good then he would leave and not come back. They didn't want him here and he wasn't sure he wanted to be here anymore. He headed towards the hut, knowing that either Merrill or Bethany would be making supper. He'd taken to helping them, if only to break up the tedium that his days had become.
"Oh hello Sebastian," Merrill greeted cheerily as he stepped inside. "Fenris has gone to collect some more firewood. I think we're getting low, so we'll have to go cut some more tomorrow. Ripper was good enough to kill some rabbits, so we're having roast rabbit with potatoes tonight."
"Where's Hawke?" he asked. The man's usual seat near the window was empty, as was his bed in the other room.
"Taking a bath," she giggled. "Bethany finally managed to get him to go. He was starting to get a little ripe and this hut is stuffy enough without that."
"Does he do nothing for himself other than eating then?"
"Pretty much, and even then it's only when the food is put in front of him," she sobered. "I think if we weren't here looking out for him that he would have starved to death by now."
Sebastian wandered over to the place Hawke usually sat and looked out the window. The area where he had set up his archery targets was clearly visible from inside. He wondered what went through Hawke's mind each day he sat there, if anything did. He suspected that the man spent his days reliving the past. He seriously doubted that Merrill was right about Hawke watching him.
"I know that you're feeling a little bit left out, but don't worry, the others will come around eventually," Merrill was saying as she slowly turned the rabbits on the spit. "You just have to give them time. Humans have a saying that time heals all wounds. I try really hard to believe that."
He barely acknowledged Merrill's words, dismissing them as just the empty chatter she was so good at. His attention had been caught by the glint of something laying on Hawke's chair. Picking it up, he saw it was an amulet. Upon closer inspection, he saw that it was a Tevinter Chanrty amulet, and almost dropped it. He'd heard about them and knew the Divine had outlawed them. She'd made wearing one a crime punishable by death. How had Hawke come by this? He jumped as an angry voice barged into his thoughts.
"Don't you touch his things!" Hawke screamed at him, rushing forward and snatching the amulet from his grasp. "How dare you? You have no right!" He began gathering up the items on the chair and table.
"Hawke, I-" he stopped and edged backwards as the man whirled on him, his face a mask of rage.
"You don't belong here," Liam spat. "Why have you stayed? What twisted, sick game are you playing at?"
"Hawke, I asked him to stay," Merrill jumped into the fray. "Please, listen-"
"If you've come to kill me then do it and get it over with," Hawke ignored her, his attention fixed on the prince. "If not, then get out. I hate you, hate you, hate you."
Suddenly Sebastian found himself flat on his back on the floor, staring up at the man who'd just sucker punched him. The hate in the man's eyes as he looked down at him made him sick to his stomach and fearful for his life. Even though he'd lost weight, Hawke was still a big, powerful man. With rage fueling him, there was no telling what the man was capable of. Right now murder seemed to be a real possibility.
Merrill apparently feared something similar, for she suddenly waived her hands while whispering some spell. Liam suddenly shuddered, his eyes closing as his body thudded to the floor. Merrill met the prince's wide eyes with her own. "He'll be out for a few hours," she told him, her voice shaky.
"What in blazes happened in here?" Bethany asked as she looked at the three of them.
"What did you do to him witch?" Fenris glared at Merrill.
"Just put him to sleep, before he could do something he'd end up regretting," the girl told him. "Don't just stand there gawking. Help me get him to his bed."
Fenris moved to take Hawke's shoulders. Bethany was surprised when Sebastian waived her aside and picked up Hawke's legs. The two men heaved and huffed and staggered a little, but finally managed to get Hawke to the cot in the other room. Panting Sebastian stepped back and watched as Fenris removed Hawke's boots and then pulled a blanket over him and adjusted the pillow under his head. Once done, he motioned Sebastian to leave and followed him out and into the main room.
"I want an explanation," Bethany demanded. "Why did Merrill have to spell my brother?"
"I was just looking at that amulet," Sebastian explained. "I'd heard about them, but never seen one before. I didn't know it belonged to Anders, although I can't say I'm surprised he had one," he finished sourly.
"That was a gift to Anders from Liam," Bethany said coldy. "He told Anders that it was shiny and subversive and symbolized what Anders stood for. It was gift of love. Don't go putting your biased, mage-hating, chantry view on it."
"I never said I hated mages!" he retorted.
"No? Then why were you always telling Fenris that Merrill and Anders should be turned in?" Bethany hissed. Seeing the surprise on his face she snorted, "Yes, Fenris told me all about your viewpoints. He wanted to help me understand what happened at the end there in Kirkwall."
"You told Fenris I should be turned in?" Merrill's eyes were wide as saucers, hurt making her voice a mere whisper. "I never did anything to hurt anyone. Not on purpose anyway."
"That was before I really knew you-"
"Don't lie prince," Fenris sneered. "You never trusted either of them."
"And I was right not to trust Anders," Sebastian said angrily. "Look at what he did."
"That wasn't all Anders doing, and you know that," Bethany folded her arms, continuing to glare at him.
"Whatever he thought then, that's in the past," Merrill shook her head. "What we need to focus on now is Hawke and what happened."
"Merrill's right," Fenris agreed. "We can't change what happened, we can only move forward."
"Oh no, the rabbit's burning!" Merrill cried and darted towards the fire and began turning the spit again. "Okay, it's not too bad, just a little burnt."
Sebastian suddenly found himself laughing, Merrill's reaction to their dinner burning seemed so out of proportion to the seriousness of the situation. He sank down onto the chair near the fire, bent over at the knees. He realized that his laughter bordered on hysteria, but he couldn't stop.
"I fail to see the humor here," Fenris frowned.
"I'm sorry, it's just Merrill," Sebastian tried to get his laughter under control.
"I guess I did seem a little silly," the little Dalish blushed slightly and looked down at her feet.
"We should have warned you about not touching anything that once belonged to Anders," Bethany wanted to get their attention back to the subject at hand.
"Hawke hasn't reacted that strongly to anything since the day we buried Anders," Fenris frowned, wondering what it meant.
"That's good then, isn't it?" Merrill said, excitement making her voice higher in pitch. "I mean, he reacted. Showed strong emotion."
Sebastian sobered at the reminder of Hawke's rage. "He was enraged that I had touched the amulet. He said he hated me, and for a moment there I really thought him capable of killing me."
"I don't know why you sound so surprised about that," Bethany shrugged. "You turned your back on him and threatened him and the man he loved."
"I don't think he hates you Sebastian," Merrill soothed.
"Don't be too sure about that," Fenris snorted. "I know how easily love can turn to hate. I did love my sister once. But her selling me out to Danarius destroyed that. Hawke is the only reason I didn't kill her. Time has done nothing to change that feeling."
"Really Fenris?" Bethany asked softly. "She's all that's left of your family. Surely you don't mean it."
"I do," Fenris said firmly. "Some things can never be forgiven or forgotten."
"Well, I think that Hawke is just very hurt and angry," Merrill insisted, her mouth set in a stubborn line. "He just needs time to work through it all, and I think that he will forgive Sebastian some day."
Fenris just shook his head in disbelief. Bethany sighed and said, "Well, at least Merrill was right about Sebastian's presence. Liam did react to him, even if it wasn't in a good way. We'll just have to wait and see what happens when he wakes up."
Sebastian suddenly felt as if the walls were closing in and stormed out of the hut. Once outside, he stood taking deep breaths. The way they all seemed to think that Hawke hitting him and yelling at him was a good sign bewildered him. Emotions that strong were dangerous, not beneficial.
"Merrill could be wrong about Hakwe," Fenris stated as he joined the prince.
"The only time I've seen Hawke look like that was when we faced down that blood mage Quentin, the one who kidnapped Leandra," he told the elf. "To see it directed at me," he sighed. "I think she is wrong."
"There is a great deal of stuff fueling his anger."
"Like what?" Sebastian turned towards Fenris.
"It's not my place to say," the elf shrugged. "If you decide to stick around, maybe Hawke will tell you."
"I don't think I can Fenris," he shook his head. "When my man Reginald returns from Denerim, I will leave. Unless of course things change with Hawke. But, if he really does hate me, then I don't see that happening."
"Where will you go?"
"I don't know," he answered. "I can't return to Starkhaven for now, maybe not ever. I suppose I could go to Orlais, but I don't know if that is a safe place for me either."
"What do you mean, it's not safe?" Fenris cocked his head.
"The nobles of Starkhaven decided they like having a ruler they could easily manipulate," he sighed. "Goran is a spineless idiot, but he seemed to rather like being prince. I wouldn't put it past him to finish the job the Harriman's started."
"There is a Chantry in Denerim," Fenris said coolly.
"I'm not really cut out for a life of prayer and contemplation, if you haven't noticed," he chuckled.
"Well, at least you finally realized that," Fenris smirked.
"I'll figure something out," Sebastian turned towards his tent. "I think it best if I eat out here tonight, just in case Hawke wakes up in a foul mood."
Fenris watched him walk away and then turned back to the hut. He had a feeling the prince was hiding something, but he wasn't sure what. It was in the way he sounded when he talked about Hawke hating him. Almost as if he wished it could be different. Shrugging he pushed the thoughts away. If the prince stayed long enough, he would get his answers. If not, then no big deal.
