Ch. 2
He was doing handstand pushups – one handed. Outside. Iruka wasn't sure whether to be impressed or appalled.
He took a breath and decided to plunge right in. "Excuse me, might you be-"
And then Naruto came bounding around the corner at full speed, but instead of careening into the man as Iruka expected, it seemed that the man took that moment to flip to his feet and Naruto slammed – literally – headfirst into the boy who'd been standing behind and observing.
"–Maito Gai," Iruka finished weakly.
Both boys were groaning and a tangled mess on the floor, though the other long-haired one seemed to have gotten the worst of it.
"I am! Ah, does it not do the spirit good to see such lively, rambunctious young boys!"
Iruka blinked, sure that someone was playing a joke on him. The man before him was – very bright. And green. And had a bowl-cut. "I need to have a word with my friend."
"Oh! You must be the much-lauded, Iruka-san! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Maito Gai and the young boy with the head injury is my sweet and darling pupil, Hyuuga Neji."
Iruka glanced at the sweet pupil and saw him trying his best to eradicate Naruto with a glare. It was certainly an impressive try.
Naruto was glaring right back. "Bastard! You're a bastard idiot!"
"Naruto!" Iruka snapped, "It was your fault. I've told you to be more careful, now apologize."
"I just got really excited," Naruto replied sullenly. "He didn't have to kick me."
Iruka blinked at that and glanced at Neji who seemed to be trying not to smirk. He was definitely going to be having a word with Kurenai. When Asuma wasn't there, of course.
"You told me he could use help, you didn't say the mental kind!" Iruka hissed, trying to impart yelling in a whisper. Asuma had damn good ears.
Kurenai had tried to placate him by dragging him to the kitchen and feeding him some delicious sushi. It might have worked except that Iruka was pretty sure he'd heard Gai tell Asuma that oh! This is a fortuitous day, dear comrade, for I too have been impaled by that spear of love! That aghast look of his has pierced my every organ! I am in the throes of agony and my loins swell for him!
He shuddered, resting his head on the cool island countertop. "He's absolutely crazy!"
Kurenai was biting her lip trying not to laugh at him. "He's really not, he's just … energetic."
Iruka glared. "He's worse than Kakashi."
"Funny you should mention that."
"Oh, God, don't tell me."
"They're the best of friends," she announced happily.
Kurenai quite cunningly suggested he and Gai set up an appointment to meet the next week and talk at leisure. Iruka was sure that it was because she knew if he'd had to endure any more Nice Guy poses he'd have taken that nice guy and beat him over the head with something hard and metallic.
"I would be overjoyed to see you again, Iruka-san." Iruka flushed when the man took his hand and bowed.
"… sure."
"Marvelous!"
"Actually, why don't you join us for house-hunting tomorrow, Umino? We've got a few places lined up already and I'm sure Gai would love your … input."
"Please do, sensei! I'm certain your wisdom will help provide the best home for my young ward."
"Of course," Iruka gritted. He wondered how no one knew that Asuma was a horrible sadist beneath that bland veneer.
Gai gave Asuma a thumbs up that Iruka pretended not to see and not for the first time wondered if he'd made the right career choice.
Neji had been silent and uninterested in the houses but Iruka knew the moment that the young teen fell hard for a place. It was the second-to-last house they were to look at that day and Iruka wondered what it was about the house that Neji loved. It wasn't the most beautiful – in fact, Iruka was surprised at some of the houses the real estate agent had shown them – and it wasn't the biggest or the one with the most rooms. Then he went outside and saw the pool. Neji was standing at the large windows looking longingly at the water.
"I fear not, Mrs. Hill. It is necessary to live nearer the school."
Neji turned away.
"Gai-san," Iruka called, not knowing he intended to. He flushed when they both turned to him but squared his shoulders. Well, if the Ranger thought him nosy he could just say. "May I have a word?" Iruka indicated the backyard and Gai nodded.
"I know it's none of my business," he began but was surprised into silence when Gai took his hands and held them tight.
"Iruka-san, you must know I value your opinion greatly. Please, speak your mind."
The social worker paused and carefully extricated his hands, smiling weakly at Gai. "Thank you. I was only wondering what you thought of the house itself? I know you mentioned the distance to the school but is that your only objection?"
Gai looked around him carefully, taking stock of the full layout. "It's not an objection, per se, but this house would require work. The windows need to be replaced as they are inefficient at keeping the heat in the house and some of the plumbing would require replacement, if not immediately, then certainly in the near future and the appliances seem to have lost their youth. Of course the paint issue would need to be resolved straightaway."
"Paint issue?"
Gai leaned close as though imparting some great secret. "The walls are all painted white," he whispered.
Iruka did not laugh. "I see. That is a problem," he said gravely. After a moment he sighed. "Well, thank you for giving it due consideration, Gai-san."
He turned to go back into the house but the military man stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Iruka-san, you did not say why you asked me that."
Iruka bit his lip, wondering if he should voice his thoughts. Of all the houses they had looked at, this was the only one Neji had shown any connection to but it hadn't been the only one with a pool. "I think Neji-kun likes this house," he said quietly.
Gai looked taken aback. "He told you that?"
"Well, no," Iruka said sheepishly. "I just got that impression from him."
He wondered if Gai would scoff at that and him. Instead the Ranger broke into an iridescent smile. "You are a credit to your profession and to fatherhood, Iruka-san." Gai took a step closer and placed his hands on Iruka's shoulders and it was oddly intimate with the way Gai was looking at him so intensely. "It is no wonder my heart recognized you right away as my most precious person. Iruka-san, I-"
Iruka glanced around wildly for a distraction and saw Asuma laughing at him from behind the wide French doors. Kakashi waved.
"Kakashi!" he exclaimed and Gai looked so crestfallen for a moment that Iruka wondered what-? Oh! "No, I mean, Kakahshi is here. He's over there with Asuma." Iruka pointed in case Gai could have possibly wondered where else they might be.
Gai didn't turn and continued to stare into his eyes. Iruka started sweating. "Have my youth and enthusiasm arrived too late, Iruka-san? Is your heart spoken for?"
Gai looked so terribly earnest that Iruka answered with the truth before he'd thought about it. "No. No, there isn't anyone."
And he found himself crushed into Gai's arms, his own hanging useless by his sides as he was pressed to a tight, fit body that seemed to be all hard muscle and heat. His only excuse was that it had been too long since his last ill-advised relationship and even less ill-advised one-night stand and so Iruka melted into that firm embrace and let his head fall onto that broad shoulder because it felt to so very good.
Iruka slowly realized that the other man was hard. He blinked at Gai who was such a vivid red that it clashed horribly with the green of his jacket. A moment later the social worker jerked back from the hands holding him and felt all the blood that had headed south rush to his head leaving him dizzy. He was absolutely mortified. Oh god, he'd been outside! In clear view of … Kakashi and Asuma were probably laughing their heads off right now and – oh god, Naruto was inside!
He tried pulling away again but Gai held him firm and with no seeming trouble. Iruka glared at the man, except he couldn't hold his gaze for long as a new wave of embarrassment threated to engulf him. "Please let me go, Gai-san."
"No one saw."
He raised his gaze reluctantly to the other man's. "Asuma and Kakashi were standing –"
Gai shook his head. "They'd already gone." And slowly, so Iruka could protest, Gai pulled him closer until their bodies nearly touched. "I would not have you think that I only desire a physical relationship, Iruka-san. That is why," he whispered against Iruka's ear. "though I wish to ravish you until you forget all but my name, I shall not. First I shall woo you."
Iruka felt his best response was an incomprehensible gurgle. He went with it.
Several minutes later Gai stepped back. "My eternal rival, did you come to challenge me?"
Iruka took a step back himself, sure now that his initial assessment of Gai as completely cracked was accurate. Then he saw Kakashi step forward from underneath the shadow of the lemon tree. The silver-haired man was holding a small book of dubious taste. Iruka sighed. Why couldn't he ever meet nice, boring people?
"Yo. I came because Asuma called me. Iruka, you're looking … especially pink today." Kakashi squinted at him. "Mmmm. You're hot when you blush."
Gai stepped in front of him and growled at the other Ranger. "Iruka-san is my precious person and I shall challenge you for him!"
Iruka gaped at Gai's back. Challenge? Iruka would laugh except that Gai definitely had some very strange archaic notions and he possibly did mean challenge as in to duel, as in with weapons. "Gai-san, I am right here and I'm not an object to be fought over! And Kakashi doesn't want to duel you over me."
"I accept."
Iruka gaped at Kakashi.
Gai turned and kneeled at the feet of the dumbstruck social worker. "Fear not, Iruka-san, for I have won 51 to Kakashi's 49 of 100 challenges. He is a worthy rival, but for the opportunity to win your heart I shall defeat him eloquently." He stood and faced a grinning Kakashi. "I challenge you to create the single most romantic haiku that tells of our tender feelings for our very own Iruka-san."
Kakashi seemed to think about it for a moment and then looked at Iruka and winked. "I accept the terms."
It must be a Ranger thing, Iruka decided. They were all just a few degrees short of a full meltdown.
"And dearest Iruka shall be the judge."
"No, I won't." Iruka enunciated clearly, walking away. "You can be crazy without me."
"Worthy Asuma shall be the judge."
"No, I won't," Asuma called from inside the house.
Iruka wondered if all Rangers were also eavesdropping skulkers. He ignored Asuma, walking past him and sat in the kitchen. Naruto and Neji looked to be arguing in the front yard but as no one was bleeding or crying he let them be.
"Adorable little brats, aren't they?"
Iruka was an adult and therefore did not bang his head on the table like he wanted to. "Kakashi."
"I'll take that tone of weary resignation to mean you missed me horribly."
"Like a rash."
"Oh? Do I make you red and swollen?"
Iruka winced. "That was in very poor taste, Kakashi. When did you get back?"
"About a month ago."
The social worker did his best not to be hurt that Kakashi had been back from his tour of duty and hadn't so much as called him.
The Ranger huffed. "It wasn't a happy return, Iruka." A hand landed on his shoulder and he struggled not to throw it off. A breath later and Kakashi took a seat next to him. "Gai really does like you, you know. This is of course a delicate way of saying that he's crazy about you. Umm … crazier."
"Don't change the subject," he said stiffly.
The older man sighed and turned to face Iruka, finally. "Iruka," Black eyes met his then closed with a pained expression. "We've been friends for three years and you know I love you, but you're the good, sane part of my world. These kinds of things that involve missions, I can't talk to you about them. I won't sully our friendship with the things I've -"
Iruka shook his head. "You're such an idiot. I am your friend; I'm not going to judge you. I only want to help you and if you won't talk about it with me I won't push, but at least tell me when you've come home. You're probably staying at some rat motel dump, aren't you?"
Kakashi reared back affronted. "I am not staying at a rat motel. I'm staying at a perfectly respectable one-star motel that must be under construction because I can hear them working in the walls at night."
Iruka laughed and impulsively leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You're a nut. Now, you're coming to stay with me, understand?"
"If you insist." Kakashi sighed, "And now I'll have to convince that big lug that you aren't madly in love with me and that he doesn't need to step aside out of some ridiculous chivalric ideal."
Iruka blinked. "What?"
Kakashi grinned at him. "Gai saw you kiss me just now."
The social worker glanced at the kitchen entrance.
"He's outside."
Sure enough, Gai was standing in the front yard with the boys and he was talking to Neji. The young Hyuuga was shaking his head, then he stopped and his expression was one of such cautious hope that Iruka's heart squeezed. Gai swept the child into a hug and Iruka smiled at Neji's wide startled eyes. The teen was going to be getting a lot more hugs, Iruka was sure. Gai seemed like a very tactile person. And with Kakashi sitting next to him it was probably not the best time to be thinking about Gai and touching. He willed the flush in his cheeks to die down.
"My my," Kakashi grinned widely, "you do like him, don't you."
Iruka rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to help them get settled, not get in his pants. And besides he's," Iruka floundered for the right word to describe such an indescribable person, "disturbingly unique."
"He's also fiercely loyal, and he gives his heart unreservedly." Kakashi looked at him pointedly.
"Kakashi," Iruka began warningly.
"Why, Iruka, you should know better than to think I would interfere."
Iruka was still staring at Kakashi worriedly when Gai walked inside with Naruto and a grinning Neji at his heels. He announced, glancing at Iruka with a soft smile, that they would be taking the house.
A/N: Thoughts? I shall give you virtual candy!
