War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
- Admiral John Helton
Personal Records of Dr. Alda Dahlstrom
Head of Counselling Services for the Luna Combat Training Station
Classified File
(Begin Audio Log)
Dahlstrom: Let's talk about the boy on the walkway again.
Shepard: Really? Can we? (Laughter)
Dahlstrom: Well it must have effected you, killing someone at such a young age. There's no smoking in here.
(Sounds of movement. A match is struck.)
Shepard: He wasn't the first. I mean, it was the first time I actually saw the lights go out. But it wasn't the first time I hurt someone, badly. That world isn't kind to the wounded.
Dahlstrom: I see. Do you hold yourself responsible for the deaths of those people you hurt as well?
Shepard: Not really. Even if I did, I wouldn't lose sleep over it. There's nothing I can do about it, nothing anyone can do about them or the boy on the walkway.
Dahlstrom: Do you feel anything for them? For anything about your life before enlistment?
Shepard: Are you asking if I feel bad about what I did?
Dahlstrom: I'm asking if you feel anything at all.
(Silence)
Shepard: No.
Dahlstrom: I find that hard to believe.
Shepard: Why? The court and the Alliance ruled that 'environmental conditions and factors beyond personal control' made me 'mentally unstable'. According to them I wasn't responsible for my actions.
Dahlstrom: You don't sound convinced.
Shepard: I was a kid. Frost-bitten and starving half the time, drunk, sick, surrounded by the kind of hellish violence that most people can't imagine. I was barely even alive, let alone human. I can't put myself back in that mindset far enough to see my memories as pieces of my life. Everything about it, the fights, the addiction, the abuse, even the deaths… it's like remembering something I saw on the vids. I just don't feel connected to it anymore.
(Silence)
Dahlstrom: So you really don't feel anything at all?
(Silence)
Shepard: No.
(Sounds of movement. Chairs creaking, clothes rustling.)
Dahlstrom: I can't see how recommending you for active duty would be wise, Shepard. Your apathy concerning you past seems to suggest some deep seated emotional issues.
(Laughter)
Shepard: If I let it torture me would that somehow be healthier? Would I be more capable of strapping on a gun and going out into the galaxy to kill for the Alliance if I couldn't bear the deaths I'd already caused?
Dahlstrom: All soldiers need to recognize the value of life.
Shepard: We aren't talking about life. We're talking about death. I have lived most of my life caught in the middle of brutal, pointless, tragic death. It's all I know. I will never be normal, doctor. I will never have a normal reaction to what I've seen and experienced. There is no normal reaction to something like that. Everything about it is intense and insane at a level that not even you and your PHD can understand.
Dahlstrom: This kind of talk is what makes me think you aren't ready for active duty. You don't sound like the kind of person I would want watching my back.
Shepard: Than you're an idiot. Soldiers like me are the only ones that really get the job done. We're the only ones that can take the responsibility that comes with the kind of brutal, pointless, tragic deaths of war and keep going. To be perfectly honest, doctor Dahlstrom, the Alliance would have to be completely retarded to reject my petition for active duty.
Dahlstrom: What will you do if they do reject it?
Shepard: Go back to Earth, probably.
Dahlstrom: Back to the gangs.
Shepard: What else would I do? I'm good at kicking, punching, shooting, and nothing else. That doesn't open up a lot of career paths for me. Being in the military is the only thing that means anything to me. Without it, I'm right back where I started, which is nowhere.
(Silence)
Shepard: Look doctor, you just do whatever you need to do. I, of all people, could never fault you for that. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and I'll find some way to survive. That's something else I've come to accept.
(Silence)
Dahlstrom: Thank you, Shepard. You can go now.
(End Audio Log)
(S. Shepard approved for active duty by Dr. Alda Dahlstrom on the 14th of April 2176. )
