Tris
My chest feels heavy, constricted. I try to lift my limbs, they feel laden, like the weight of other bodies on top of me are keeping me down. They are the bodies of all the people I have killed, personally or by circumstance. I open my eyes, there are too many bodies, that I cannot see.
I hear Al first, crying and sobbing like he did every night in the Dauntless dormitory. He's speaking in between his sobs and it takes me a moment to understand him, and then he says my name followed by an apology. I never wished his death even after he conspired with Peter to kill me. I can't take back my words and I can't bring him back, but the weight of his death crushes me.
I hear my mother's voice next, sweet and inviting as it was when I last saw her. She was not the woman I thought she was, she was better. It sends tears to my eyes to think that I will never be able to tell her that. She died to give me a chance to escape. I lived and she died, and for what? I seemed to make a bigger mess of things.
Will's voice cuts in, cracking a joke as usual. I don't find it funny. His death weighs most heavily. It was unnecessary and rash. Although I am ever grateful that on some level Christina has forgiven me, this is one instance that I could never forgive myself. I will never hear his jokes again or see his smile or feel his arm wrap around my shoulders to comfort me. He lives in my memory and it is there that his death haunts me.
My father says my name. I did not know him well and I may not have understood him, but I've grown to respect him.
I hear Marlene's screams as she fell. I know that I made the right choice, I could not have grabbed them both. Her death hurt Uriah the most and hurts me to see him so sad. I hear Lynn's voice next. I wasn't responsible for her death but I saw her body on the ground. Her death weighs on me because I couldn't warn her.
Why I hear Jeanine Matthews' voice perturbs me. I suppose on some level I pity her death because she was a puppet of the Bureau. That does not exonerate her, still she did not deserve to die. She should have been tried.
Tori tells me that I am Divergent, a word's meaning that has changed according to who says it. I put the fight over Jeanine behind us. I can only imagine how guilty she would have felt to know that George is not dead after all. Instead I picture her in the tattoo shop, smiling up at me as she works the needle over the ribs of another Dauntless faction member. We should have warned her not to walk ahead of the group, I should have warned her. I couldn't make it over to her in time.
Uriah calls me gorgeous and I can't help but smile. He's always trying to make me feel better, well not anymore. We were standing so close, it could have been me. I know that his presence here means that he has been unplugged. I was not there to say goodbye.
There are voices I don't hear. Caleb. Christina. Cara. Matthew. Zeke and Hana. Amar. George. Tobias. They are still alive. If I stay here I will never know in what state of alive they are in. I have to get back to them, to him. We agreed to start our lives together. I long for more moments waking up next to him. But if I am here, maybe I am dead too. No, that can't be. I have seen the world I grew up in destroyed, that can't be it, I have not learned to value my life only to lose it at the climax of our battle. I do not consent to die. I have so much left to live for. I want to see the world changed and become something better. I need to wake up.
