Clear Water

from Stanley Kunitz's King of the River

If the water were clear enough,
if the water were still...
you would see yourself,
slipped out of your skin...


Shepard woke to the familiar darkness of her own cabin. She was propped up slightly on pillows. When she tried to sit up further, she dizzied and pain took her breath away. A soft chime sounded, and she felt movement beside her.

"Rachel?" She recognized that sleepy voice. She knew only one person who would call her by that name, one person who would be sleeping beside her. "Are you okay?

"Liara," she whispered. It hurt to breathe or speak. Her throat felt raw and swollen and her abdomen ached.

"Don't try to talk yet," came the voice she loved so much. "We had to intubate you. Let me get you some water." She felt Liara turn away and closed her eyes. Then she felt Liara's lips on her cheek as Liara pressed a glass into her hand.

She sipped from it gratefully until she had finished it, then Liara took it and set it down on the bedside table.

"Are you in pain?" Liara asked.

"I'm fine," Rachel tried to sound convincing. Her voice sounded rough. She felt like crap. Her head, throat and sides ached and burned. She remembered the phantom, the sword. She felt sick to her stomach. "Is everyone ok?"

"You were the only one hurt," Liara stroked her cheek before reaching to turn on the bedside light. "Rachel?"

She opened her eyes and saw Liara looking at her. Liara's forehead wrinkled the way it did when she was worried, and Rachel guessed from the shadows under her eyes that she hadn't slept well lately. How long have I been out? she wondered. "I just ache," she finally said, her eyes on the asari beside her, taking in the sight of her. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Liara in anything but armor.

"Me too," Liara replied simply, touching her cheek. Then Liara gave that small, sweet smile she had when it was just the two of them, took Rachel's hand and held it up to her lips, kissing it lightly and lingeringly.

Rachel felt endorphins flooding her at the contact and at the proximity and warmth of the asari. She actually did feel less pain. She gave the small, contented smile she had when it was just the two of them, the smile that made her seem to glow with happiness.

Liara looked at her pale face and smile and sighed. Intertwining their fingers, she reclined beside her, relieved. She carefully shifted so that their shoulders and arms were touching. The contact soothed them both.

"What did Doctor Chakwas say?" Rachel inquired, squinting as she braced for the anticipated bad news. She knew she had been badly hurt.

"Off-duty bedrest for another 3 days, light duty for 3 days after, then resume regular." Liara replied, tensing as she braced for the anticipated protests. She knew Rachel hated limitations, and the timing was … difficult. "It would be longer, but she believes your nanites will greatly speed the healing process." She turned toward her, "Shepard, you've been out for three days," she explained. "It was close, too close."

Rachel rubbed her thumb over Liara's palm, acknowledging her statement before speaking. "I'm alright. I can't just lie here while … planets burn," Rachel said, her voice gravelly. "We need to … follow up on Traynor's lead, … trace Kai Leng, … find the Catalyst…" She started to stir. "Two weeks may be too late."

Having this conversation now, Liara decided, would be counterproductive. Breathing was clearly still difficult for Rachel, so keeping talking to a minimum was important. Yes, this was her main motive, she told herself, as she sat up and then moved her leg over Rachel to straddle her, careful not to touch her torso.

Rachel stopped talking when Liara's hands held her cheeks, then stroked back into her hair, tilting her head back. Then Rachel's attention was entirely taken up by the soft lips pressing against hers. Pleasure flooded her. It had been so long. Her hands drifted up the asari's body.

Liara gasped softly and broke the kiss. "We need you at 100%," she managed, reaching down to capture Rachel's hands. "I … need you at 100%." Her deliberate echo of Shepard's statement to Kaidan held far less innocent intent. Rachel could feel her pulse racing. Liara pressed her lips against Rachel's once more, preparing to shift back beside her, but Rachel's mouth opened beneath hers and it weakened her intent. She let herself dissolve into the kiss. It had been so long. Her tongue explored Rachel's mouth until she felt Rachel falter, and she withdrew with a pang of guilt.

"You need me?" Rachel husked, after she had caught her breath, her face flushed and her pupils dilated.

Goddess, yes, Liara thought, looking down at her. It was all she could do to keep from saying it like that. "Yes, but…" Liara said instead, as she reluctantly pulled back, her hands on Rachel's shoulders.

When Rachel tried to follow despite the gently restraining hands, the movement sent pain ripping through her. She gasped and clutched her heavily bandaged side. "Ow," she whispered after she caught her breath.

"You need to heal," Liara spoke into the aching silence as she shifted back beside her, then took Rachel's arm and stroked the inside of it for a few minutes. "I'm sorry." The touch helped relax Rachel, dissolving somewhat both the pain in her side and some of the tension. "Sleep. I'll be here when you wake."

Rachel nodded, already in much less pain, and Liara turned to switch off the light. Weak and exhausted, Rachel drifted off. It took Liara much longer.


Thanks mostly to sedatives from Doctor Chakwas, Shepard managed to get 2 days of bedrest under Liara's supervision before she started getting restless. Select crew members were allowed short visits, and the mood of the ship improved, while Shepard's worsened. Garrus teased her for letting the phantom get the drop on her. James apologized. Tali offered to get her armor repaired. Joker and EDI brought her porn. Steve gave her a bottle of her favorite drink, "to dull the pain." Traynor kept her inundated with datapads. (Liara confiscated them, "for later.") Kaidan filled her in on progress. Under his guidance, the Normandy continued its search and rescue missions, with Garrus leading the away teams. Kaidan didn't share everything though. He kept to himself the fear he sensed in the crew as they witnessed more and more Reaper presence and were without the Catalyst and without Shepard. Hackett was brusque and Anderson concerned. If Shepard couldn't find the Catalyst, they would have to attack without it, and that wouldn't happen without Shepard leading the fleets. She was the only symbol of hope, and she hadn't been seen or heard from for most of a week. The cohesion of the fleet was at risk. Kaidan kept the burden to himself as much as possible, but Shepard knew the score.

On the third day, despite the tenderness in her abdomen, Shepard refused the pain pills and sedatives and insisted on getting up. She walked around her cabin, hunched over, eventually even pacing the hallway outside the Loft. Liara made one protest. When she saw Shepard's pain, she knew Shepard's body would stop her more effectively than she could. Sure enough, after about an hour, Shepard shuffled back in, paler, and with a bluish tinge to her lips again. Doctor Chakwas had said Shepard needed to break the lesions that had formed in her abdomen post-surgery that were keeping her from taking deep breaths, but Shepard had resisted the breathing exercises. Consequently, when she was tired it was hard for her to catch her breath. She really was exasperating.

Watching Shepard hobble into the Loft, Liara resisted offering help. She forced herself to stay at the desk until she saw Shepard falter near the stairs. It would be a major setback if she fell. Liara walked over and supported her to the …couch when Shepard refused to return to the bed. She was ready to strangle the human. Why did Shepard have to be so stubborn and not listen to advice or doctors?

There Shepard struggled to stay upright and read through reports. From the desk, Liara watched out of the corner of her eye. After seeing Shepard slump, straighten and grimace for the tenth time, Liara got up. Taking one of the pillows from the bed, Liara sat where the couches met, set the pillow on her lap, and gestured for Shepard to lie down and rest her head there. Too weary to do anything but accept the compromise, Shepard did.

After Shepard's breathing had settled into the slow rhythms of sleep, Liara put her datapad aside to watch her. It comforted her greatly to be close to Rachel. These past few days, to see her breathing and to be able to reach out and touch her, had helped Liara. So did this moment. Rarely since returning to the Normandy had she gotten to see restfulness on Rachel's face or have moments of peace with her. Reaching down, she ran her fingers through Rachel's dark hair, traced her ear and touched her lips. A thrill raced through her as she did. The scare of seeing Rachel so wounded in the medbay was still too fresh for Liara to sleep without nightmares unless she slept beside Rachel, but having her so close made sleep difficult for other reasons. These days being near Shepard, touching her, and the aborted reunion of the other night had left Liara with no way to ignore how much she wanted her, or how deeply she loved her. Stroking Rachel's cheek, Liara sighed, picked up her datapad, and returned to work.