Authors Note: Thanks so much for all the reviews. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really surprised there were so many. Now, just incase anybody forgot to look, one of the genres I nominated for this story is sci fi. This is because things get a little weird. I'm not sure whether it is actually sci fi that I'm representing with my plot, but... oh well... That being said, the weirdness starts now... ish.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Janet Evanovich, I am merely borrowing them and their world to do the bidding of my mind. I am making no profit from these chapters.
WARNING: The themes in this chapter (child birth in particular) may offend some readers. If this is you, consider yourself warned.
Don't Mess With the Village Elders
Chapter Two
Twenty Minutes Later
I pulled up to a gated driveway and double checked the address in the message and on the Navigator system before pressing the call button on the pillar beside the car. Tank answered on the other end.
"Bombshell, thank god you're here," he said, and the gates opened. "Just drive right up to the front door. I'll meet you there."
I looked up at what I could only describe as a mansion, but was probably just a really big and awesome house to be more accurate. I followed the circular driveway up to the front door and got out. Tank was immediately at my side, hurriedly ushering me into the house and up too many stairs. I don't think I would have made it up the last set if he hadn't pushed me so forcefully and implored that they were in dire need of my help up there. We stopped on the landing at the top – the very top – and he allowed me to catch my breath.
"Just wait here a moment," he told me. "I'll get Lester and he can fill you in on the situation." I watched him jog down the hall and disappear around the corner at the other end. A moment later I heard a distinctively male cry of pain and then Lester was jogging back toward me. He was covered in sweat head to toe despite the cool weather of the day outside, and there was a bruise developing on his cheek. He looked more stressed than he'd sounded on the phone.
"Who was that screaming?" I asked immediately. "What's going on?"
"We'll get to that. I need to know that you're not going to freak out on me. This is pretty intense stuff."
I felt the blood drain from my face as his words sank in. "Oh God," I moaned. "You're torturing a man in there aren't you? How could you possible need my help for that?" I couldn't breathe, the world was going fuzzy, any minute now I was probably going to pass -.
Les shook me by the shoulder, snapping me out of my panic. "We're not torturing anyone. The man you heard screaming just before was Ranger." I sensed myself paling even further and shook my head, refusing to take in the information. "Yes," he assured me. "It's Ranger. He's in a lot of pain. Bobby's tried to help but he's just not experienced in this kind of thing. You're the only one we could think of with any kind of experience in the area that wouldn't freak completely out."
"Right," I said, taking a deep breath. "Not freaking out. I can do this. How hard can it be? I've got experience in th…." I paused, my brain just now registering what he'd said. "What would I have experience in that Bobby doesn't?" I asked, starting to work up a bit more of a freak out. Bobby was the best medic I'd ever known. Okay, so he was the only medic I'd ever known, but that was besides the point. I would much rather go to Bobby than an actual doctor.
To my surprise, Lester averted his eyes to the toe of his boot and muttered something. I chose to ignore it for now, my knees giving out. "You'd better tell me the whole story," I said, as he caught me and dragged me to his chest.
He carried me over to the window seat and set me down gently, before sitting next to me. "While we were on our mission," he began, "We had to take out a woman who had been dealing with the wrong crowd so long she'd become a part of their workings. As we were escaping via the outskirts of the village we were stopped by some village elders. They were all female and seemed to be rather angry. Turns out that the head of the tribe was the mother of the girl we'd taken out."
"She wanted revenge?" I guessed, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. He placed a comforting hand on my forearm and squeezed gently. "What happened then?"
He sighed. "She cursed him."
I thought about this for a moment, trying to come up with some kind of curse that could bring down the big man. My mind was completely blank. Ranger was the most indestructible person I knew. There was nothing my mind could fathom that would have caused him to disappear for months on end if it wasn't for a mission. Finally, I lifted my head and met Les's gaze, silently giving him the okay to continue.
"She cursed him," he repeated, picking up where he'd left off a moment ago. "We're not sure exactly what she said, but a few weeks later, we were liberating a small village about a days trek from there and Ranger began to get sick. He'd be vomiting his guts up all morning, but by lunch he was a million times better. At first we just figured he'd caught some foreign disease. By the time we were preparing to leave, however, we'd notice that his stomach had grown. It was more rounded and well… we were worried. So when we got back to civilisation, we sent Tank off to have his arm reset properly and took Ranger to a private area of the base hospital to do some tests."
"What did you find out?" I asked, unable to keep the question inside any longer. I was dying to know what happened. What it was that had Ranger screaming in pain. What it was that I apparently had experience with."
"He's pregnant," he said. At least that's what I thought I heard. I laughed at him, trying to maintain that it was a sick joke, his face, however, remained dead serious. My laughter teetered to a stop and I stared open mouthed for a moment.
"You're serious?" I couldn't believe it. "He's not just pregnant with thought? It wasn't a pregnant pause? He's with child?" My only response was a nod. "So you brought me here today because…" I couldn't even get the words out. That's how ridiculous it sounded
"He's in labour."
I burst out laughing again. Not because I found the situation funny, because I totally didn't. This situation was the opposite of funny. It was horrific. I kept expecting Tank and Bobby to jump out at any moment and cry "April Fools!" but of course, April was last month. My sides were hurting by the time I'd managed to calm down and there were tear tracks running down my face.
"You can do this," Lester asked anxiously. He knew my tipping point. He knew my weaknesses. He knew my strengths. He knew my past, and was part of my future. If he thought I could do this, who was I to deny him? He pulled me close, hugging me tight and pressing soft kisses into my hair.
Just thenTank dashed around the corner. His eyes were wild and he seemed in a right old panic. "Can she do it?" he called to Lester. "I think we're running out of time, and he really looks to be in a lot of pain. That can't be normal. Bobby don't know what else to do!"
"Calm down Tank," Lester said. "We'll be there in a minute." Tank nodded and went back the way he came, letting an agonised yell escape as he opened the door.
I looked down at what I was wearing and grimace. A faun coloured pencil skirt. "I'm gonna need some pants," I told my husband as he pulled me to him for a kiss.
"I've got a spare pair of sweats in the bag in the room. I'll go get them for you," he replied, quickly brushing his lips over mine. "Stay put, I'll be right back."
Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't follow directions well. As soon as Lester was half way down the hall, I was on my feet, following him. When he reached the room all the commotion was coming from, I was right beside him. With on hand on the door knob he turned to face me with a sigh. "I told you to stay put."
"I'm coming in," I informed him, with false confidence he saw through like it was a clear glass window. He tried to tell me no, but I put my stubborn face on. Eventually he simply nodded, took my hand and we entered the room.
The lighting was dim, but there was enough of it that I could clearly make out the scene before me. Tank was pacing at the end of the bed a worried look on his face. Bobby was pacing at the side of the bed, muttering to himself and counting things off on his fingers. And there, in the middle of the gigantic four poster bed was Ranger, curled in a ball, his massive belly quivering as he moaned, groaned and gave out the occasional whimper.
"Grab me the pants," I whispered to Lester, squeezing his hand lightly.
When they heard my voice, both Tank and Bobby stopped what they were doing and turned to face me, twin expressions of relief pushing their worry into the background.
"Thank God!" Bobby exclaimed as Lester handed me my pants. I thought about leaving the room to put them on, or even getting them to turn around, but figured that they'd seen me in worse states and nobody was thinking in that way anyway. I dropped my skirt and pulled on the pants, drawing in the string at the waistband so that they wouldn't fall down. Lester and I were same in leg length but his hips were slightly wider. I often found myself borrowing his sweats, especially during that time of the month, or when I was sick. As soon as I was dressed again, I moved to the side of the bed.
Kneeling on the edge so I could reach, I laid a hand on Ranger's shoulder. He flinched at first, but as I began to rub up and down his back he started to relax. I murmured soothingly to him and he relaxed even further. When he was breathing normally again I turned to Bobby. "Have you checked his dilation?" I asked.
He gulped. "That's what the screaming was about." I nodded, encouraging him to continue. "He's almost ready."
With another nod, I turned my attention back to Ranger. He was still curled in a ball, knees pulled up and arms wrapped around his belly. I leaned down and spoke softly and calmly by his ear. "You need to calm right down and stay relaxed, okay? Can you do that for me?"
"Steph?" he choked out, turning his head. It still sounded weird that he didn't call me Babe anymore, but I was okay with it. There had been a time when we avoided each other like the plague. That was during the first few months that I was with Lester. But eventually he calmed down and Lester said it would be okay for us to invite him to the engagement party and we'd had a pleasant friendship since then. "Steph, it hurts," he moaned.
"I know, honey. I know. We need you to roll over. You can't deliver your baby like this."
He shook his head vehemently. "I can't. I can't move."
"Why can't you move?" I asked soothingly.
"It HURTS!" he yelled at me, his shoulders tensing as another contraction rolled through him.
I continued rubbing his back and addressed the other guys in the room. "Help me get him onto his back," I told them.
"But he said-," Lester began to protest. I gave him a look that said if he finished his sentence he would never get sex from me again. He snapped his mouth shut and moved to join Tank on Ranger's other side as Bobby joined me. With a great effort we managed to get him onto his back, as soon as he was settle, however, he started complaining of major pain and discomfort. I sat back and examined him better now that I could see… well, ya know… everything. I ran into a problem.
"How is it coming out?" I suddenly asked, turning to face Bobby and gesturing to Rangers rather large erection. I felt certain, due to my own experience, that there was no way a baby was gonna make it through there. As I looked at his penis again I blurted, "How the hell is he turned on right now?"
Tank and Lester snickered on the other side of the bed, despite my dilemmas and I shot them a glare before returning my attention to Bobby for an answer. The man in question gulped. "My theory is that the baby's head is putting pressure on his prostate," he said with a confidence that would have shattered had a light breeze picked up.
I nodded as I let the information sink in. It took me a moment to understand fully what he was saying. The baby's head was putting pressure on his prostate. That I understood, it took a while for me to remember where a man's prostate was though, and when I did, a shocked gasp escaped me. "It…. The baby…. Is…. It's coming out of his…" I stumbled about the sentence.
"Out of his ass," Tank supplied when I stopped talking again. "Yes." He sniggered again as I returned a wide eyed gaze to the patient in the middle of the bed. He seemed to have relaxed a little with the end of the contraction, but was still complaining about discomfort.
"Okay," I said, surprising myself with how calm and in control I sounded. "Why don't we try you on your hands and knees for a while," I suggested to Ranger after getting his attention. My theory was that since the baby was coming out of… where it was coming out lying on his back was putting weird pressure on the baby and his innards. Together, we once again helped him to move until he was on his knees, seated on his ankles and bracing himself against the headboard of the bed. I'd suggested hands and knees, but Ranger seemed more comfortable how he was, so I let of go. I resumed rubbing his back and murmuring soothing words as he worked through a few more contractions until his breath caught and I knew it was time for him to start pushing.
When the next contraction, he lifted himself up in preparation of pushing and yelled at the ceiling. When it was over he sat back down, panting. He did this a few more times and on the seventh time I had to get Tank and Lester to grab him before he sat back down.
"What are you doing!" he yelled at me, lashing out in anger and frustration that stemmed from his pain and exhaustion. "Let me down."
"The baby's head is half out," I informed him gently. "Why don't you get down on your hands and knees." He did as I suggest and half an hour later he'd given birth to a beautiful baby girl.
Ranger was propped up on a multitude of pillows and cushions that Tank had accumulated from the other bedrooms on this level, holding his daughter while Bobby checked her over. IT was then that I decided to excuse myself from the room. I'd just made it out and halfway down the hall when Lester's arms wrapped around my waist, his lips brushed across my ear as he whispered, "You did good in there." That's when I broke. All the stress of not knowing what was going on for so long and then the weight of finally knowing and finding out that I was the only one who could help crashed down over me like a massive wave, dragging me under. Drowning me.
A sob broke out of my chest and immediately my face was smushed into my husband's chest as he held me tight, rocking side to side. "Hey," he whispered. "What's all this?" He smoothed my curls out of my face and smiled down at me. "What are you crying?"
I stared at him through my tears for a moment before I managed to get my thoughts out. "That's the most bizarre thing that has ever happened in my life. That's the most bizarre thing to ever happen in the history of bizarre things to happen. Surely that had to be weird for you? Watching a man give birth?"
To my utter horror, he chuckled as he wiped away a few of my tears. "I've had months to come to terms with it," he explained gently. "It was completely freaking me out for a while there, but after that I just told myself I had to accept it. Either way, he's my cousin and my boss and I had to be there for him no matter what. I made that promise to him when we were in high school, and I wasn't gonna back down just because he somehow managed to get pregnant." Another tear rolled down my cheek as he presented the evidence of his loyalty. One of the main reasons I'd married him was because he was consistently loyal. He was like a golden retriever. "I'm not surprised you're half melting down over this," he added, sending me the silly smile he generally only gave Ari. "I mean, you only had a couple of minutes to wrap your head around the situation and then you were in there in the thick of it." He nuzzled my neck. "I'm proud of you." Then he brought my face up to meet his and claimed my lips in a passionate kiss that made me sizzle, all the way down to my toes.
"Woah!" Bobby said from behind us. "Get a room, you two!"
"I think I know someone else who's gonna be pregnant soon!" Tank chuckled.
"That's the plan," Lester called over his shoulder, squeezing my boob. "What do you think?" he whispered to me.
"I think you're insane if you think I want to have you put that appendage of yours anywhere near me after I just witnessed that," I whispered back with a bite at his lip. I swiftly disengaged from his grasp and stood up straight, adjusting my clothes. "How are they?" I asked Bobby.
His grin was still lingering, but he nodded. "They're doing fine. Both sleeping. Tank will be staying in one of the rooms downstairs this week in case he needs help with anything. I'll take next week and we'll continue to alternate until he tells us to piss off. I figure I won't even have a look in before that happens."
Tank grumbled something under his breath that sounded like it contained the words "short straw". Then louder for the rest of us he said, "I suggest you all go home, get some rest and what not." He wriggled his eyebrows at Lester suggestively. In response, my husband nodded in that slow, guy agreement way that I'd seen pass between the Rangemen on too many occasions to count.
I slapped him in the chest, achieving little more than a sore hand and the guys all laughed at me as we made our way back down the stairs.
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