My thoughts started to caress my fears… I was torturing myself. How was I supposed to face my family? I knew how stupid I had been. I had woken up to be taken over by extreme paranoia. I should have gone straight to the front desk. Asked them who stayed in that… that room… who that... stupid motherfucker was! I should've asked them to call the police. I should've told them everything. Did I let him get away? How many other women will he do this to do now that you had left? I tried to think of his name, but he was only the monster to me now. He probably hadn't given me his real name, but knowing what he had told me would have had to have some use. What an idiot I had been to think the resort had been in on it. There is no way the staff or owners would ever be okay with those actions. There was nothing they could gain. I had been so stupid. What could I do now… tell my family? The very thought iced over my heart. Fear. I was so scared. My throat got tight just of the strong urge to cry from the very idea. Would they blame me? Would they believe me? Would Nabiki blackmail me? Would Ranma leave me? Would I be the shame of the family? Have I just lost everything? Is it possible to not tell anyone….? Inner Akane was not happy she screamed to me that I was selfish to even consider not telling. That the man would walk free because I was a coward.
Soon my home came into view and the beautiful smell of food was filling the air. No more painful thoughts stabbed at me. All that graced my mind was food. I gave myself a light slap on my cheeks to bring life to my pale face. I mentally pried my lips upward to feign happiness. I placed my hand on my door and let the old Akane sink into my skin. Who better to impersonate Akane Tendo… than... Akane herself. I rushedly opened my front door in an all too familiar "Akane-like-way". I took a couple steps inside to see my whole wonderful family sitting down with a divine dinner laid out. I glanced around to see the precious faces of whom I could have had a high chance of never seeing again. In my spot Ukyo sat... she had the brightest smile on her face. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. She was patting the spot next to her on the opposite of Ranma, of course. It was clear she was indicating to come sit next to her. I felt a twinge deep in the back of my mind. Jealousy. Pain. Love. Sorrow. Those feelings were far away, though. In this moment, I was happy to be alive. My sham of a smile still plastered on my face as I turned slightly to look at Ranma. My most treasured person in the whole world. His smile was warm as we locked eyes. My fake smile faltered as it grew into a genuine grin of pure joy. I took a step and then it felt like a practically tripped into him. I wrapped my arms so desperately around him. I wanted him to feel how much I missed him in my touch. I didn't care if me doing this was embarrassing or if I should have been more subtle. I didn't care about the expectations of when or how to show affection. I wanted to feel the desire so deep in my bones that my muscles had no choice but to act. "Woah whoa Akane! Miss me much? With that man grip of yours, you're going to strangle me!" I wanted to laugh. Who would have thought that within a mere second something already insensitive had come out of Ranma's mouth? I knew he didn't mean it to hurt me. That he spoke what he thought only to regret it later. It still hurt deeply to hear him say that. "That man grip of yours" echoing in my head. Inner Akane's insecurities spoke unanswerable questions. Was I really so manly? Was I undesirable? Creeping cold words crawled their way into my heart. They were the words of the monster… "Deny that you are now trash. I have made you worthless. I own you. I will forever own you. I'll make sure you won't even be able to look at yourself without remembering me." Ranma didn't want a girl built like a brick. A girl who was trash and worthless. I belonged to a man of darkness who had ripped me away. An impersonator can only perform for so long before being caught. My "old-Akane-act" had fled me. Now it was ghost Akane who remained. I quickly pulled my arms away. I looked up instinctively even though I didn't want to look into anyone's eyes ever again. His eyes gave away that he regretted what he said. He looked almost desperate to quickly explain himself. I didn't want him to do anything. It was far too late to repair my broken mind. So... I smiled. I smiled big and strong. "Oh Ranma, I have even missed that smart mouth of yours." I was too selfish… too much of a coward to ever reveal what was left of me. I walked over to where Ukyo had patted me a spot. Grabbing a bowl, I began to snatch large amounts of food. I looked like a pig as I ate ravenously. I didn't care. I hadn't eaten in days. I could hear my family talking to me. I think maybe Ranma asked me some question. The others too probably, wondering what had gotten into me. The only thing I could make out was what Kasumi was saying "Oh my Akane, you are making such a mess!". Once I was finished I just stood up, walked to my room… and pleaded for sleep. I was guilty of so many sins now. I felt a deep burning rage. I hated everyone and everything. This world deserved to suffer for what it had done to me. I wanted everyone to pay.
I woke up in terrible anguish. My back felt skinned. To even move an inch was enough to make me want to die. I wanted to scream. Scream till my throat felt raw. To just shriek the pain away, but then my family would find me. They'd see my back. They would have questions; questions I could never answer. I moved at a snail's pace. I needed to get to the bathroom. As a martial artist, I knew I had to clean the wound. For if it were to get infected it could possibly be the death of me. I stepped into the bathroom, painstakingly I took off my shirt and unwrapped my bandages. The bandages the monster... had put on me. I faced away from the mirror and craned my neck around to get a look at my back. My mind went blank at the sight. Just by looking at the raw bloody mess made the pain a thousand times worse. The sight of it was like the monster was back slicing into me. I placed my hand over my mouth to contain a shriek. I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks. They slipped their way down my hand as though to be a comfort, to remind me I was still alive. The monster had carved a word into my back. The word was so plain and yet held so much significance. Within each stroke of the knife, he was laying waste to the liberty of my soul. What more could the monster rob me of…. my personality gone, my soul caged, and my heart broken. I was now a spiritless body, the equivalent of a lifeless doll. He had carved "mine" into my back…. he was right. He had taken with him the real Akane. Left me to glue what little I had of myself back together. How terribly cruel.
I knew that this wound was too grievous for me to handle. Despite all of the things taken from me, a will to live still stirred in my human instincts. I would have to go to someone. Maybe… just maybe Dr. Tofu wouldn't ask questions. I was too weak to wrap the bandages back around me. I placed my shirt over my rawness. I whimpered from the inexhaustible pain. Through tiny steps, I made it back to my room. I just needed to rest before I went. Just a bit more time to think. I couldn't leave just yet if he were to ask me anything - I needed a story. "What kind of story could you possibly come up with for having a word carved into your back!" Inner Akane yelled. "Shut up," I responded menacingly. I felt nauseated and dizziness. Just needed to make it to the bed. That's all for now. That's all.
The next second I was outside. The sun was burning so hot on my skin. It hurt. God, it hurt. I glanced around for shelter, anywhere from the scorching sun. I saw a single building and ran for it. A desperate run to escape the pain. I reached for the door and as I pulled on the handle I realized I was shutting the door - not opening it. I turned around to see I was in a long corridor. The hallway was suffocatingly tight. It was so tight that the air was thick. No matter how many breaths I took I couldn't get enough oxygen into my lungs. I looked closer at the claustrophobic inducing walls and realized they weren't walls at all, they were people. The massive corridor was filled with faces expressing every emotion imaginable. So terrifying. So many faces. One of the faces was smiling ear to ear. I could practically feel the joy resonating from it. Without even realizing, I reached out and touched it. Instantly it was no longer a face, but a mask. Instinct compelled me to put it on, so I did. When I looked up... the hallway wasn't endless anymore instead there was a door. I didn't want to suffocate in there anymore so I ran for it. I opened it, my skin crawling with panic. I was free.
I wake up to the sound of Kasumi's voice and realize that I had been dreaming. A frightful dream indeed I think as a shiver passes up my spine. "Akane, you have slept for quite a long time. It's not usual for you to sleep this long. You were acting strange when you came home last night and we are all very worried about you. Please, Akane won't you come down?" We have postponed breakfast so that you may eat with us. Ranma is getting rather impatient, you know how that boy loves to eat." I quickly respond "I am sorry. I had been feeling unwell...I am okay now, though...I'll be down in a moment". I could hear that my voice sounded apprehensive and yet was too tired to really care. I truly felt such a strong exhaustion that my mind also felt indifference. I dare say that I wanted to remain like this so I couldn't feel anything forever. For all these emotions inside me were what was taking such a serious toll on my heart. After some tender silence, I heard Kasumi's footfalls as she walked back downstairs.
I stood and decided I didn't care to change. I walked slowly down the stairs to save me from somehow bringing my gruesome back to the attention of my brain. As I reached the dining area and walked in everyone was stone silent. They stared at me with the oddest expressions. Facial features so blank, but their eyes held different stories. I must not have looked very well because I watched concern move out of their eyes and into the lines of their faces. When I looked at Ranma he looked worst of all - his were mixed in with a look of guilt. This I found very strange. I definitely stared at them all too long without doing anything. This probably would hurt my case in convincing them that I was okay. The "old-Akane-like" way would surely have asked why they were all staring. She would have gotten uneasy, while trying to hide it even though everyone could see what she was doing. At the present not only did I stare at them all too long and made no mention of their expression - I also then sat down and said nothing as I began to eat. I knew this was out of character of myself. I thought of my dream briefly and the hallway full of people whose faces turned into masks if I touched them. How I had reached out and grabbed the happiest looking one. That once I put on the happy mask... I had been allowed to go free from the terrible hallway. Was that my subconscious telling me something? That as long as I hide what I am feeling that my life will go on and I will be free. That these shackles I feel will be removed? I was deep in thought when I heard Ranma's voice. It didn't really register that he had been talking to me till I looked up to see him facing me. "Akane, Kasumi said that you had been feeling unwell...did you catch a sickness?" His eyes showed sweet concern. I felt a selfish desire deep within that I hoped those concerned eyes would never turn away from me. "I am alright... I assure you Ranma, I didn't mean to raise such alarm last night." It was weird hearing my own voice come out so slowly and lacking genuineness. In all my life I had never really had to think so much before I spoke. I wasn't at all like Ranma who didn't seem able at all to think before he spoke. This was different than that. It was that everything said needed to be planned. It was like my mind wanted every word spoken to be covered in caution because one wrong word and the whole world will know I am a disgrace. I didn't want to think like that, though! Yet I felt the shame all the same. That I was to blame because I should have known better than to go into a man's bedroom of which I barely knew. To have been so naive about ill intentions made it my fault. My burden. My responsibility. Then Nabiki spoke "Excuse me? Raise alarm? You didn't mean to raise any alarm? You came into this house looking like a stray cat and acted like an alien who was trying to disguise itself as one of the family. We all talked about it last night after you stuffed your face like you were starved and went up to bed stumbling like a drunkard. We think we deserve an explanation for your bizarre behavior yesterday and now."
Course it would be Nabiki to be the frank one, maybe it was because I was so tired but her words barely phased me. "I was feeling a bit under the weather and was very tired is all. I am still very tired." My words sounded so very hollow. My voice sounded like that of which I feel a mannequin would sound like if given the ability to speak. "If you don't tell us what is going on with you now - I will be sure to find out myself. You know I am capable of finding out whatever it is that you are hiding. Whatever it is that is making you act like a drunk man with nothing to lose...I will find out." She sounded very cross. "So you can blackmail me?" If I turned the conversation off of my situation and onto her personality quirks maybe she'd be on the defensive. Maybe just maybe I could get out of this.
For a moment, she looked hurt then her expression turned angry. "No, Akane, because you're family is worried about you, including me." I looked at her blandly… I felt very blandly. "Well if it is of any comfort I planned on going to see today to get a checkup. There is nothing to find out Nabiki - I just haven't been feeling well." I responded and very quickly after I finished speaking my dad spoke. "Ramna you will accompany her to see ." He said this very sternly and with a tight face. Everyone looked pretty rigid in fact, except for Ranma. His shoulders were slumped. His eyes weak and downcast.
His lips spread in such a way that made it seem like he had a lot to say. "Of course" was all Ranma said in response. The rest of breakfast was Kasumi making small aimless chatter. Eating from my own hand was more elating than could possibly be described. Such a simple joy that I had seriously taken for granted. Although as we all ate - I felt the rawness and pain from my back ache more seriously with each passing second, until it truly felt that I was alit with flames. I couldn't bare to eat anything more - it ached so harshly. I instead chewed on my thumbnail as a distraction. My eyes were growing damp from the torment of it. I knew I couldn't stand up to get away because movement only made it worse. If I tried to fully stand up everyone would know something was wrong. So I sat ridiculously still and blinked an equally as preposterous amount of times to hide the moistness.
I glanced up to notice that Ranma was looking right at me. He had definitely noticed that something was wrong by the look in his eyes. He looked like he was watching a dog getting euthanized. Even through all the pain - my honor felt more important. I could never let anyone at this table ever find out about my back. I would take a gun to my own head first before I'd ever let that happen. So I looked him straight into his unsettled eyes and lied to them with a hoax of a smile. I poured every ounce of the remaining happiness of Akane into that smile. Ranma looked very touched. A small grin formed on his face as though he had received an early Christmas gift. Luckily for me, the pain had begun to subside enough that I could stand without causing any suspicion about being in physical pain. "Now head off to Dr. Tofu's already, and remind me of this incident before I ever let you go on any more trips without your family." My dad said this to me with that same tight face. I could tell he was worried. In that moment, I really wished I was a better actress. I couldn't conjure up much of a reaction to his words, though. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand, to tell him everything was alright… tell him not to worry. But everything wasn't alright and I just couldn't fake it.
"Will do." is all I said in response as I walked to the front door with Ranma's footsteps trailing behind me. Once we got to the street I heard Ranma give a big sigh which sounded like relief. "Thank god we're out of there, now we can actually talk. Last night everybody was blaming me for your weird behavior because I went on that trip to learn that new martial arts move…. and then when you got back... I said that mean thing to you at dinner. Plus, we really didn't leave on the best of terms n'all. Listen Akane, you know sometimes I say things before I think. I honestly didn't mean what I said last night! It was like a joke…. trying to be funny is all... If that's why you've been acting weird... I'm really sorry." I know that deep in the back of my mind that Ranma's words were pleasurable, but ghost Akane led the body. She either felt indifference or hatred - there really was no in-between. "It's fine Ranma, I just haven't been feeling well. Nothing else is wrong." My voice was as vacant of emotion as I felt. He then stood directly in front of me. His face but a pencil tip away from mine. "Are you sure?" His eyes drifted to the left in a solemn manner. "You looked so happy to see me... you hugged me like you had really missed me, but right after I said you had a man grip... you looked very upset. That smile you gave was fake! I could see that you were saddened." Ranma then grabbed my shoulders, while moving his eyes back to stare directly into mine. "I want to apologize completely. If it makes you feel better, you can hit me right in the face." I watched him take his hand and pat it right on his cheek. I felt a familiar bubble building up inside me. I was about to burst out laughing. One of the many skills Ranma had that made me love him so - was how easily he could make me laugh.
