Pt.1
.
Michael and myself had a few mutual friends that were gay and we'd occasionally hang out together at a local cafe.
I remember one time we were chatting and the subject of my sexuality was one of the topics Michael so flippantly chose to bring up. They all knew I was closeted and they accepted that, we kept it between ourselves, but this day it was discussed as an issue that needed to be resolved, in their opinion.
I could feel myself getting more and more uncomfortable as they asked me if I wanted to miss out on the opportunity to be happy.
Did I, or didn't I want to pursue an open and fully 'gay life', or living the rest of my life as a lie. I found myself thinking.
I thought about it all, the pro's and con's, weighing out the negatives against the positives. I wasn't shamed of being gay, my friends that were sitting with us were openly gay and dating, how hard could it be, right? It was my insecurities as a person that laid heavily on my mind.
What if nobody liked me, what if no girl wants to be with me?
I found dating men boring quite frankly. Their childish little minds were easy to attend to, but every relationship I had with a man, I would always feel that my heart wasn't really in it.
.
"Oh Portia, you are fabulous, why wouldn't anyone want you?" said Michael. "You'll find the girl of your dreams one day, and when the time comes, I will be here for you" My brother always acted like he was my protector.
Dina, my friend from college, had been 'out' as far as I could remember. She had come out to her parents from an early age.
"The first step is the hardest, but once it's done, the rest is easy" Dina said.
After chatting more and more about it with my friends, I decided to tell my mother.
Pt.2
.
I decided that writing a note would be better then the possible agony of seeing my mums reaction in person.
I bought her favorite flowers, peach lilies and placed them on the kitchen table with the note and awaited her arrival. She was coming home from work so I made sure the flowers were something positive for her to look at before reading it.
I remember being so nervous and apprehensive that I hid upstairs in my room. My heart was beating so hard when I heard her car coming up the driveway. I toyed with my emotions, wondering if it was the right thing to do.
Should I sneak down and take the note and tell her another day? Or just talk to her?. these thoughts whirled around my head, but it was too late.
I heard her key turn in the door. The silence hit me like a knife in my stomach, she normally came in and we would chat about each others day and grab a bite to eat. But not today.
Was she reading the note? Did she throw it in the trash? WHAT HAVE I DONE?. my mind was working overtime.
I sheepishly crept downstairs. To my amazement, my mother was in the living room, reading the note in floods of tears. I recall her standing at the window looking out and up towards the sky.
.
"Hi mum, are you ok?"
"Oh Portia, how long have you been home, I didn't know you were here" she said wiping away her tears.
"Not long, I see you've read my note. I um.. um... did you like the flowers?" I didn't know what to say
"The flowers? Oh yes dear they are nice, but we need to talk about this. Lets sit down and talk"
I pulled up a stool and sat near to my mother and started to feel every bone in my body start to shake. What happened next didn't surprise me at all.
"What are you going to do now? What about grandchildren your career as an actress. What about that nice boy you met last year?" she said sternly.
"Well, I... uh, its something that we will have to talk about. But that doesn't matter right now, does it?" I was now regretting this whole charade.
I remember my mother talking about how I was making my life difficult etc and how was I going to tell Michael. I explained that he already knew and helped me make my decision. She was happy that he already knew.
"Well its going to take a while for me to get my head round this idea, but you are my daughter, and ill love you unconditionally" she said as she hugged me. "You'll always be my little girl"
Those words meant so much to me, they still do now. I had told my mother, and as Dina said to me 'things get easier' and they did get a little better after that.
And Michael was right... the girl of my dreams was right around the corner...
