Disclaimer: I do not own MGLN.
NEVER MORE THAN FRIENDS
I can see her over there, watching me, staring, each glance getting a little longer and a little deeper than the last, so desperately trying to hide the pain that I have so selfishly made her experience with in those deep burgundy eyes that I have come to love so much.
As I sat there completely sandwiched between my brother and sister, desperately trying to concentrate and listen to our slightly overweight paster preach about goodness knows what, probably something about love and forgiveness and being compassionate to others when they don't really deserve it. The thing is, I have been tort that every single day of my life ever since I could understand what church was all about, my parents are very strict about Christianity and all of that and I couldn't get away from all the control in my life, I was set to live a certain way by my parents ever since I was born, they think I'm happy living in this fake world that they created just for our family. It's like I'm trapped in a box and I cant find any way out, the only way I will ever be free or at least feel free is when I'm with her.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this, I could have just walked away from this mess before it even happened, but I chose the the stupid way called love. I knew how she felt about me, ever since the start of junior high, it was so obvious even though she tried to hide it, I could tell, I could see it in her eyes, every single day, the way she looked at me constantly, the way she smiled and laughed at my not so funny jokes but most of all it was the way she wanted to be around me all the time, every single minute of every hour of every day, and the hours we spent talking on the phone. She was so kind and thoughtful and wanted to do everything she possibly could for me, and I loved her for that, I love her for everything that she is but most of all I love Fate-Chan for Fate-Chan because she is perfect, not just in my dreams.
That night was unbelievably passionate, sensational and just wrong, it went against everything I supposedly believed in. I just couldn't take it any more, after sixteen years of living in my parents world I couldn't stand it any longer, I was at my limit and I Brock under the preacher weighing on my shoulders. just knowing that she would be there for me was comfort enough, so much for me to let it all out, a side of me that I have never let anyone see before. In my moment of total release I chose heart over common sense that was screaming at me to think as I lost control to the ecstasy that overtook my body, and I couldn't hold back any longer from the one thing that I wanted the most in this fake world I had to live in, she was my escape. I wasn't thinking about the next the morning in those few passionate hours that I spent with her before I let sleep overtake my exhausted body. At that moment, just in those few hours of total pleaser, I was free, free from every little bit of pain, sadness and guilt that had been overflowing from inside of me from the past six years were I had the most pressure on me to behave properly in the eyes of God. the only thing I could think about clearly in that moment of ecstasy that kept going around and around in my head that I couldn't get out was 'how is this going to end'.
The only down side is sooner or later the sun is going to rise and realisation is going to dawn on you that your in bed, naked with someone else with there arms raped almost possessively tight around your waist and that there breath is tickling the back of your neck every time she exhales. My mind went into overload as all the events of that night went racing through my mind and you know that this is going to be a very very bad day. Trying to franticly figure out what to say to let her down easily that you don't notice that she has woken up until you feel the arms around your waist tighten just a bit and hear her breath in heavily through her nose to smell you sent and feel a light kiss on the back of your neck all at the same time, you stiffen just enough for her to notice and ask what's wrong as she gets comfortable again and tries to return to her dreams. Knowing that you'll never get back to sleep again today no matter how hard you try, you just have to do something to get your mind of everything instead of just lying there panicking about the situation you got yourself into because, you think its all on you, when you forget that she has to deal with this as much as you, when you forget that she was the one you made love to, when you forget that she would do anything and everything to make you happy.
Finally she gets up and you have a chance to talk about last night's happenings, you have to sit there and tell her that it was a mistake and to forget it ever happened so we could get past the awkwardness more quickly, you can see her eyes go from confused to upset and she starts going on about what she wants and that she still loves me and it was my fault for starting it if I wasn't going to go through with all of it, and said 'you cant just pick people up like that and then drop them just as easily'. So I sat down next to her, took her hands telling her that I still loved her and that our families would not accept us let alone handle it at all and that most of the world was against being gay. there was no room for that type of relationship in either of our lives or the world, no matter how much we want it, that's when I had to tell her that we could never be together.
We hadn't talked to each other in a couple of days, how was I supposed to talk to her, how was I suppose to even look her in the eyes without feeling guilty, every time I tried I could see the the emotion swimming around filled to the brim, even our other friends noticed and asked about it, shame I couldn't tell them, they probably would have been a big help, if I were a guy. If I told them, what do you think they would think of me and Fate, who knows how long it would take to get around the school, .die.
Then suddenly out of the blue she came up to me with the stupidest half grin half smile on her face looking as if she had figured out all the unanswered questions in this sorry world, when she told me we could be together when we were older and our parents would come to accept us because we would have more sense in the matter being older, my anger flared, thinking about what I had told her before, she should have just quite because I will not make the same mistake twice, but knowing Fate-Chan, she is the most stubborn person I have ever met, I set her straight about the whole relationship thing and told her we can never be more than friends. And yes I was scared, scared about ever being with her if it ever happened, scared about going behind my parents back and possibly telling them one day, scared about lying to them, I'm shore Fate-Chan would do everything she possibly could to protect me from getting hurt and being scared.
Just knowing that Fate-Chan is there and her stubbornness never giving up on me, us, I could never ask for a better friend than her. I still love her so I'm shore she hasn't stopped loving me either, because it takes a while to stop loving someone, if you ever stop, maybe it will still be there in a couple of months, maybe a couple of years even, and maybe one day we could be more than friends.
"Nanoha, you coming" my brother said standing up getting ready to walk out with the rest of my family, as I looked up at them a little shocked that it was over so soon and that I had been thinking about Fate the whole time instead of listening, ' I'm such a bad Christian, I hope no one noticed me not paying attention' I thought to myself.
"it's the end of church, it's time to go home sweetheart" my mother said as the rest of my family started walking out the door and probably to the car.
"oh, okay I'm coming" I quickly got up and followed my family out the door and to the car.
Waiting for my brother and sister to get into the back seat of the car a flash of blond caught in the corner of my eye, as I turned around I saw that it was Fate-Chan and she seamed to be staring at me, again, now embarrassed that I caught her in the act, but instead of looking away, the edges of her lips curled up into a small smile and gave me a little wave, as I did the same back I had to get in the car quickly from all the complaining I was getting.
In the car on the way home I started thinking about the past week and what Fate had suggested we do in the upcoming future. we were getting better at talking without that awkwardness getting the better of us, and maybe, just maybe when we are less dumb we could indeed be more than just friends.
Authors note: Finally I'm done, and it's longer thankfully, hope you guys like it and I am going to do one more to finish this of but it will be more like a story than a oneshot so please read and review. : )
