"I don't like it!" the small dark haired spawn of a Bolrog screamed and flailed in his arms. "I don't like it!"
"Kili it's not that bad!" Fili stood at Thorins feet as he stared up at his brother being held against his uncles chest. The lad's trousers were around his ankles and shirt ripped off long ago. He screamed and he cried as loudly as he could. Thorin should have known his sister would do this to him, while he loved her he did not respect her dismissal of her parental duties though he did not blame her. She had been raised a princess, learned in the ways of the fine arts and delicate words, she had never be taught nor expected to actually raise her children directly. If they were home in Erebor there would have been a small army of nurses to care for her children. He remembered when Fili had been born and had cried for hours before they realized why. Dis had not known she was expected to breast feed the child, for a royal like herself to do such a thing was unthank able for her. So Thorin should have guessed she would skip out on such a extravagant event as convincing Kili that the black hole they used as a toilet was not evil. He should know, he built it himself and silently held pride in his genius idea of laying the pipes at a slant so that with a bucket of water all evidence was washed away off the edge of a cliff.
"Kili! Durins Beard will you calm down! You are much too old for diapers!"
"I will pee in the woods! I will pee in the woods!" the child screamed. Fili seemed to agree with this as a acceptable answer.
"You will not pee in the woods!" Thorin held the screaming boy at arms length,"you will use this cursed latrine if I have to chain you to it!" he sat the child down and held him there.
Kili stared at his uncle defiantly, Thorin stared back. He had heard once from a friend at the forge who had children that his children reminded him of wargs, they could smell fear and would believe themselves dominate at the first sign of weakness. Fili stared at his brother and uncle. For twenty whole minutes they stared at each other like that. But not long before that Kili began to squirm in his uncles' grasp. "Let me go! I have to big potty!"
"Then you will do it here!" Thorin continued to hold him down on the wooded bench. "Khidu!"
"No! Go away!" Kili kicked his legs.
"Please Kili! Just go! You are being stupid!" Fili yelled at his brother. It was a warm day and they could be out playing, but instead he was indoors watching his uncle trying to get his Kili to poop. Fili hadn't even started puberty yet and he was already done with about 500% of his brother shit. No pun intended.
Apparently however Filis' angry voice had startled Kili so much he had clenched his whole body, there was a heavy thud and then all was silent. It was literally the most awkward yet relieving (again no pun) silence Thorin had ever experienced. For a moment he wondered if he had ever needed this much convincing to use the bathroom, Fili surely hadn't; the wonderful, darling older nephew who could poop on his own. Immediately however the silence was filled with screaming once more. "I DON'T LIKE IT!"
"Well it's too late now!" Thorin picked up the child and stood him on the floor. "Now clean your arse, empty the bucket, and then go out and refill it!" Thorin stared down at the child with his arms crossed. Fili looked up at his uncle and brother still wondering if this was really happening. Kili did as told but did not once break eye contact with his uncle. He lifted the empty bucket in his arms and cared it outside to the well. Thorin noticed only to late that the boy had left his trousers on the floor and was completely nude.
"Damn it Kili!"
