You aren't a bad person.
You're a good person, bad things happened to.
~J.K. Rowling
Chapter One
After the Berlin wall came down, and East and West Germany became one, the Prussian had basically accepted the fact that his time has come to an end. It wasn't a question anymore. The Sun had reached its end of the day, and it was time for the Moon to reflect the Sun's light. He'd begun to spend more time with a lot of the other German states, and he'd begun to say good-bye to some of his former enemies (Arthur included). The almost-eternity he had spent in Russia left him pale (well, paler), weak and thin, and he looked more sickly than he ought. It was then that Ludwig had decided that he was depressed, but of course, Gilbert would greatly deny it, even to the point of reminding him that he'd gone out with Antonio and Francis often, sometimes including their respective lovers. Then, to that, his little brother deduced that he was lonely, and that there was something he must be looking for that the German couldn't give – a love outside of the family, something more.
Gilbert denied it to no end, until the idea manifested itself in the oddest way possible.
Initially, he didn't mean anything by it. He wanted to get away from the dreary city life, even if Berlin was a city of life. He wanted adventure, he wanted the outside. But most of all, he wanted to be free. The albino had barely seen or felt the warmth of the sun since his dissolution, and when the Aragonese woman came knocking at his door with a request for companionship, he just couldn't say no. Not when her face spelled out "Antonio's Sister", and not when her eyes filled with tears when something reminded her of her terribly French beau. He had a grudge against the Frenchman for signing off a paper to let him go freeze to death, but he spoke kindly of him so as to comfort the poor girl, who had so much love to give for naught.
It irked him. How could Francis leave someone like her?
They were in a bar, a few blocks away from the center of Madrid, where Antonio had invited his friends for a drink. Alicia, who had been sitting beside the Prussian who toured her around his home town in Berlin, had been stood up by the Frenchman, who had been her lover for quite some time. As much as he was annoyed, Gilbert couldn't find it in him to upset the girl even more. So, he sat beside her, a cup of coffee spiked with Irish Whiskey in her hands, sighing into the night.
"Oh come now, sorella." Lovino frowned from across the table, where the Spaniard had his arms around the Italian, "Don't think about your wine-bastard of a boyfriend – we're all killing him if he gets back."
"When." Corrected the Antonio.
"No, 'if' is the right word," Alicia agreed, making the Prussian raise a curious eyebrow, rendering her silent. She scoffed at the pairs of eyes watching her, "Please, don't talk about me. I don't want to talk about me for a while." Her eyes met her brother's emerald green ones as though they had an understanding.
"All right, let's go to Gil~" Antonio grinned.
Immediately, Gilbert blinked more than necessary, "What about me?" he asked.
"I don't know?" Lovino wasn't really very interested with the Prussian – he disliked their race, "Tell us something – a secret, a desire, your fears." A flash of emotion flickered as quickly as it had come in the albino's eyes, making the Italian smirk, "… What is it you fear?"
"Me?" The albino considered it for a moment, hands on the glass of beer on the table, which he swayed lightly from side to side in nervousness, "… I fear oblivion."
Lovino raised an eyebrow, "… I don't follow." He was dying. Heck, he'd been dying since the Unification of Italy. He really didn't understand.
"Yes, do expound," added Antonio, brows furrowing.
Gilbert was at a loss. He didn't really know how to express this fear. Much to his surprise, Alicia chuckled softly from beside him, "I think I know what you mean." All of a sudden, three pairs of eyes were turned back to her.
"We're all once-great nations, with names to be proud of," she wasn't even a Nation, but she had been great. Reinstated after two-hundred sixty years? It was unheard of before, "And if the greatest of the past hadn't been forgotten, it makes us yearn to never be forgotten, rendering us immortal in the eyes of the world." Antonio and Lovino seemed used to her manner of speaking, but the Prussian gawked at her – he'd never heard a woman speak that way before, "However," she pressed on, "The inevitability of the world is oblivion. We're immortal not by our choices, but those who dictate it for us. And it is always a cross of fates in the end-" it sounded like she was talking beyond the hints of dying now, "-like how life and time like to meddle and mess things up. There will come a time when we begin our light of consciousness, and there will become a time when that light dies. Perhaps not anytime soon for a lot of our kind, but it will come too. It's inescapable, so I encourage you to ignore it." She shrugged.
"God knows everyone else tries to do the same. That's why being human has been so much simpler."
For a long time, none of them spoke.
Then, a grin began to play upon the Prussian's lips, "Well, I'll be damned," he muttered. Lovino didn't look like he liked it much.
"Stay away, potato-bastard, or I'm kicking your ass." But both Antonio and Gilbert laughed.
"I'm not going to risk a sooner death, Lovino, calm down," the albino's red eyes turned to Alicia, however, who turned a little pink at his gaze, but otherwise said nothing, "It's just… You're something else, aren't you?"
Alicia didn't respond, but took downed her glass in one gulp.
One look into Antonio's wicked grin, however, and the albino gulped, tore his gaze from the Aragonese woman and returned his attention to his beer.
"You don't have to keep doing this to yourself, you know."
Gilbert was walking with her back to the hotel she was staying in. He was staying with Antonio for the night, and insisted he walked the Aragonese woman to her hotel ("Women shouldn't be walking alone at this hour!"). Regardless of what the other two would think, he was only doing what he thought was best as a person who practiced chivalry. After all, he still quite thought of himself as a knight.
As they walked down the empty streets, Alicia looked up at him, eyebrow raised, "What are you talking about?"
"This." Piercing red eyes stared at her, "You deserve so much more than this. You shouldn't be torturing yourself, locking yourself away just because our best friend is being the biggest idiot in the universe."
Alicia stopped in her tracks, and turned to the Prussian, her amber eyes meeting his tantalizing red ones, "… Then tell me," she said, her voice strewn with unsettled emotions, "What do you think I should do?"
For a long time, Gilbert just stood there, considering her words. He wasn't very good at that department – he was hardly romantic. And the last woman he ever loved… Well, he didn't want to talk about that often, "Why don't you show me your city?" Alicia stared at him, dumbfounded, so he decided to continue, "No, I mean… I've walked you around Berlin, and I even went as far as bringing you here to Madrid, under the circumstances. And as much as Francis is an annoying prick for leaving you without even a word, you should do something fun because you deserve it."
She still wasn't so convinced, "Why, though?" she demanded, looking up at him, "Why do I deserve it? If something like this happens, doesn't that mean this is what I deserve?"
"No." The Prussian was firm in his reply, brushing her hair back, "You're beautiful. And you don't deserve to be treated like dirt."
He attempted to brush away bristles of her hair from her face, when the Aragonese woman slapped his hand off, although almost out of reflex. Then, upon realizing what she did through wide eyes, she began to walk rapidly away, until all of a sudden, she stopped in her tracks and turned back to the albino.
The streetlamps made her night-black hair look silver in the night, and she seemed to be holding back tears, making her amber eyes sparkle like gold. For a long time, she breathed out into the summer air, not knowing what to say, until- "You really want to come visit my home-town?"
A grin made its way upon the Prussian's face, "Yeah. I've got time, anyway, so why not?"
"When?" Alicia was still wondering how it all happened.
Gilbert blinked twice. Then a small smile gently crossed his face, "Now. Now would be a great time to see your place," he shrugged, "I've got time. And so do you. I'd love to see your hometown." He looked up at the sky, "We don't have many stars like this in Berlin."
This time, a small smile began to grace the Spaniard's lips, "We have more stars in my place."
"So I can go?"
"It's midnight," she began to say, as though to state the obvious, "And it's not much like your city. It's old, and I'm in the country-side, and-"
"Do I take that as a yes?" He was Prussian, proud, and never backed down from a challenge.
Alicia only smiled wryly at him, "I'll see you tomorrow, Gil."
Trains were the most marvellous to take when travelling through Europe. Gilbert loved the sights, and apparently, Alicia did too. The views from the main city of Madrid began to change and morph into the beautiful greeneries of the country-side as they entered some of Spain's other region. They left around noon (because Antonio took all morning to convince), and it was around dusk that they entered Aragonese territory. The city lights began to light up one by one, like stars beginning to light up the night sky and Alicia smiled widely. She tugged on the Prussian's hand, making him turn a light shade of pink, before she pried open the doors and led him to the back, where the train opened to the night air. The night was cool, and just as the lights turned on, several lanterns began to float up in the air.
"Wow." Gilbert grinned.
"I still haven't figured out how they do it, honestly," she chuckled a little, looking up as well, "Their timing is impeccable, like they've formed some sort of system or rhythm to make it look this beautiful."
The albino couldn't agree more.
The first night was spent in comfortable conversation. She brought him out to see the stars, her sacred sanctuary underneath the velvet-blue sky. She didn't even understand why she was so willing to have offered to see them. She never even got Francis to see them. But then again, the Frenchman barely had time for her, or he did, but preferred not to spend it with her. Either way, Alicia didn't want to dwell – Lovino had taught her not to, after the past few years. She wasn't the big kingdom she used to be, they weren't on equal footing as they were before, but-
"It's beautiful."
The Prussian's words brought her back to her thoughts, "They're like diamonds." He added, in his voice as cool as the night-time breeze.
"They do." She agreed, then began to walk down before him, turning the flashlight she had in her hands off to sit on the patch of grass, before laying down, "They're such beautiful sights. I can't help but always come back to the sight of them."
He followed her and lay down beside her. "I've missed the sight of them. I remember the first time I took Ludwig out to see the stars. He looked at me with wide eyes and said, 'Bruder, we're rich. Look how many diamonds we found.' He reached out his tiny hands to grasp them and was very confused when he couldn't grab anything."
"Lovino had the same problem too," she smiled, "He thought we could come out and pay all our debts with the beauty we found here... But stars are what they are. They're just beautiful things that light up our sky." She glanced at him, "Toni was the one who showed me this place... But he eventually forgot all about it. He's never gone back here since after the War of Succession."
"I fought in those wars," he chuckled lightly, albeit proudly, "It was such a long time ago. I miss days like those so much now."
Alicia raised an eyebrow, "Those wars sent me into a coma for nearly three hundred years."
"I'm sorry," Gilbert immediately apologized, his eyes meeting hers in the dim light, "But at least you're not dying." He said it so – almost too – bluntly.
"Don't-" she bit her lower lip and avoided his gaze, "Don't say it like that, Gil."
"I'm sorry. I don't wish to upset you und sound harsh. I guess I'm just a bit bitter to the Allies for separating me from my brother and taking my country away." He sighed.
She turned to him now, "I don't blame you," her voice was low, and it was shaking a little, "Though, I guess, I can't blame them either. That's what wars do, and what victors of war think they can do... But Gil," she drew a deep breath, "I didn't show you the stars so that you can get angry some more, you know?"
He had a guilty look etched on his face. "I-I'm sorry... I just need to learn to get it out of my head but it's hard." He sighed and stared at the sky. "I'll try to put it out of my mind for you though."
She chuckled a little, reached for his hand and gave it a small squeeze, "It's all right, actually. If you want to talk about it, I mean. I'm here to listen..." she smiled warmly at him, "But before that, let's enjoy the night sky first, okay?"
"When we get back, then." He was relieved he'd have someone else to tell. He didn't want to tell his brother anymore because he was already so broken over the war. He smiled and looked back up.
She looked up at the stars again. It was refreshing to have someone around after being alone for quite some time. It took her away from her thoughts. "My favourite," she started, pointing up at something bright in the sky, "Is that one." It didn't twinkle, like the rest of them stars, but it seemed to emanate a bright blue hue. "That's Venus."
"The bright and morning star is its nickname." He smiled, pleasantly surprising her, "I like that star." He pointed to a very small, dim star. "I've seen it since I was little and it still stays strong. It's smaller and weaker than the rest yet it's stayed true thought the ages."
She turned to him with a grin, "It's starting to sound a little like you, then," she chuckled. Their conversation was like that part of the galaxy that they could see: it just kept going and going.
"That's what I told myself. I've watched it through the years and it's always there." He smiled. "It's good to see it is still there."
"I hope it'll always be." She didn't know how it had sounded, but she meant it to be comforting.
She sat him down that evening in the small dining table right next to the kitchen. Alicia offered him coffee, and they sat next to each other in a sort of comfortable silence. He didn't want to upset her – she had been upset far too much already, and his whole point was to brighten up her mood. But the atmosphere in the room was similar to that of an upcoming storm. It had to hit somewhere.
Her voice was shaking as her hands gave him his coffee, and she clasped hers between her hands, "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Gilbert took a short sip of coffee. The warmth felt wonderful. "You've done nothing wrong."
"Yes, I know, but-" she looked up at him, tears brimming in her eyes, "I've done nothing to be much help either."
""What are you talking about? You've been great! You've helped me a lot. Why are you crying...?" He hated seeing people cry. He didn't know what exactly to do about it.
She chuckled a little as she attempted to wipe her tears, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she cried, "I'm just… I think of-" she gulped, "Then I think of you… And all these emotions just begin to rise up. I'm sorry."
"I should have died a long time ago, and yet I'm still here," he smiled, trying to reassure her, "It's okay."
"I worry more for you now, hearing that, Gil." Tears streamed down her face now, "After our adventures today, I... I don't know... I..." she couldn't finish her sentences anymore.
He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, still wanting her to stop crying. "I'm still alive, aren't I? I have a reason to live. I don't plan on dying anytime soon."
She laughed a little, wiping her tears away with her free hand, attempting to even out her breaths, "I just... I don't know, Gil. I know you're probably more scared than I am, but that doesn't erase the fact that I fear for you as well."
He was more than scared, he was terrified. He feared leaving his brother and those he cared for. His heart had stopped before causing him to wither in pain in his brother's arms until the beating started again. He was more than thankful that it hadn't done that while he was around Alicia. "Don't be scared. The awesome me won't leave this world that easily." He said with a smile as he laughed a little.
She knew he was trying to comfort her. And she knew it because she had done the same thing to Lovino when the Italian was a child, right before she had a coma. She'd been there, and she'd done that. So instead of smiling as well, more tears swelled in her eyes, making her throw her arms around the young Prussian, knocking her chair out of the way, and her head resting on his lap - probably even wetting them with her tears, "... You don't have to put up that face in front of me, Gil."
"I'm fine, really. You don't have to cry for me." He placed his hand on her hair, gently stroking it. He didn't want anyone to cry for him, mainly because he believed he didn't deserve anyone to miss him.
She shook her head hard against his hand. How could he say something like that? They were friends, weren't they? Much closer now than before, even. Especially under these circumstances, so... "How could you say that to me, Gil?" she demanded, "Why would you even say that? Of course I'll cry for you. It's one way of showing I care about you."
"Because I don't deserve it." He said as he fiddled with his fingers. He looked like a child being scolded by their mother when she demanded him to answer. He wanted to be friends with her. No, he was friends with her. But he didn't want anyone to mourn for him. Especially not her.
"Ah, Gil." She stood from the floor and enveloped him in another embrace, with her caressing his hair as it came about near her waist, "Everyone deserves to be cared about. Knowing how much of a cry-baby I am, I might cry the most." She chuckled and attempted a smile, "So don't give me that bullshit, okay? You're worth more than that."
He stayed awkwardly in her embrace though he enjoyed her comforting touch. He was shaking a bit from her words. "B-But... Russia told me it's my fault. All those deaths from the war are on me..." He admitted finally. "How can someone with so much blood on their hands be mourned when they die?"
She winced. Finally, he said something. Something incredibly painful. She bent down and cupped his face in her hands, "Listen to me very carefully," she said slowly, her eyes amber eyes staring into his crimson ones, "You don't have to keep all that blood on your ledger. War isn't your fault. And the blood spilt there aren't on your hands. That's the side-effect of war," she gently ran a hand through his hair, "You don't have to keep blaming yourself on that, and listening to the likes of Russia, no doubt. You were his prisoner, Gil. He'd be the one to feed you the most bullshit." She was angry at that thought. She'd already had Antonio nearly broken by England once. And now she's seeing someone else who had it much, much worse.
"I know... I know what he said was more than likely not true and he just wanted to break me. But if it wasn't my fault, then why did they dissolve me?" His blood, red eyes scanned her amber ones as if he were searching for an answer.
"Because that's what their people wanted." Her answer was simple, but tears brimmed in her eyes again, "Isn't that what we are? We are what the people want us to be. And we do what our people want us to do. And they dissolved you because people, not yours, wanted to." Something heavy fell into the pit of her stomach. She could almost literally feel her heart breaking.
He wiped her tears away and smiled a bit. "Danke..." He said with a shaky voice. "If you think you've done nothing for me, think again. You're so kind to me and you make me happy. I never thought anyone could cry for me as you do. I guess I was wrong." He laughed heartily, "I'm sorry I made you cry." He brought her into a warm embrace. "I needed to let that all out..." He said almost cheerfully.
A small smile played upon her lips. It's been a long time since someone had brought her in for an embrace, but she was more than happy to help, "I'll cry for you any day you need me to," she laughed a little, sniffling, "You don't have to thank me. And you don't have to apologize. I'm here, so I'd want to help..."
He let go of the embrace and stared at the cup of coffee he had hardly touched. "I hope you don't mind, but I don't want any more of my coffee. I'm exhausted and I wish to go to bed. Is that alright?" He did look exhausted, yet he looked happier. Their conversation had given him some sort of happiness back. His eyes no longer carried the weight of the world like they had used to. Instead, they began to have a kind of sparkle back in them.
She smiled and nodded, "Of course it's all right, Gil. Would you need me to help you back upstairs?" She was glad to be able to do something for him. Even just a bit. Even for a while.
"Yeah, if you don't mind," He stood up and waited, wobbling slightly on his feet.
"All right then," she said, smiling slightly and wiping away the last of her tears, "Come on. I'll bring you up."
She helped him up the stairs and brought him into the room. It had been so long since she last had a decent conversation with the Prussian without him being drunk, or half-sober. It was comforting to say the least. "Keep your phone next to you, and just tell me if you need anything, okay? I'll be more than happy to help you out." She smiled as she sat him down on the bed in his room.
"Yes, I will," The albino lay down and looked up at her, "Good night." And he closed his eyes, quickly engulfed by slumber.
She watched him sleep by the doorway for a long time. The entire time he had been with her, not once had the Frenchman crept into her mind. He had done a good job of distracting her, and she was indeed happy to be with the Prussian. Her heart began to beat fast when she thought about it, and she tried to drown her thoughts. Gilbert was her friend, and he's only trying to help. It had always been that way. So she smiled at his sleeping form and closed the door.
"Good night."
A/N: This was long... So sorry, I needed time to retrieve some dialogue from the rp's I had~ What do you think?
