Okay, I don't own South Park, blah blah blah...
Thank you for your review, John, glad you read it. I'll try to make a better build-up in the next stories... Well, not that an OC-introduction story can be really interesting... With a few exceptions, of course.
My OC might not stand out yet, but she's going to... Okay, no excuses. Oh, and just for the record, she's not a self-insert. I'm from Poland and I'm a guy to begin with...
Anyway, here's the second chapter. Expect another one next Friday.
[Kyle and Fiona are sitting on the bench outside Mr Mackey's office. There is a moment of silence. The children stare blankly. Then, Kyle looks at the new girl, sighs and finally, speaks.]
KYLE: Look, try not to get manipulated by that fat asshole, Cartman. He's always trying to make someone get the blame for everything.
FIONA: You know him that well?
KYLE: He's my sort of friend… ish.
FIONA: Why are you insulting him if he's your friend?
KYLE: Look, that's none of your business. Just try to look out for Cartman. He can reverse the situation so that it looks like he's the victim, like before. And Mr Garrison is used to it, so he doesn't really care, because it's much more difficult to deal with him. Plus, he's an idiot… But we all know that it wasn't you who started it… Was it?
FIONA: Don't be mental!
KYLE: Just asking… Anyway, I'm Kyle.
FIONA: Yeah, I know. I'm Fiona.
KYLE: I know.
FIONA: Then, what was the point of introducing ourselves?
KYLE: I don't know. [he shrugs]
[The doors open and Craig comes out of Mr Mackey's office.]
CRAIG: You can come in now. [he shows his middle finger, blank faced]
FIONA: Did you just flip me off? [glares at him]
CRAIG: No, I didn't. [flips her off again, then walks away. He stops for a moment] Oh, and congratulations on insulting Cartman. That was so funny. If I could call Cartman fat, I would be sooo happy. [walks away again]
[Fiona stares at him walking away, then turns to Kyle.]
FIONA: What was that?
KYLE: Don't worry, he's like that all the time.
FIONA: Now I'm worried!
KYLE: You'd better come in now.
[Fiona comes into Mr Mackey's office and closes the door.]
[Fiona sits down in front of Mackey.]
MR MACKEY: Hello, Fiona, sit down, m'kay?
FIONA: Okay.
MACKEY: Now, Fiona, you know why you were sent here, m'kay?
FIONA: M'kay. I mean- no, I don't know. Why was I?
MACKEY: Fiona, I know this may be a tough time for you, being the new kid, m'kay?
FIONA: M… kay… [raises her eyebrow]
MACKEY: This may be a tough time, but it doesn't mean that you don't need to behave yourself, m'kay?
FIONA: M'kay.
MACKEY: You just can't make the children spend the classes outside of the classroom, m'kay? It's baaad, m'kay?
FIONA: Bad?
MACKEY: Baad, m'kay.
FIONA: But, Mr Mackey, it wasn't my fault! It was the fat kid!
MACKEY: You see, that's an issue too, m'kay? You can't just make fun of someone because they're fat, m'kay?
FIONA: Well, you don't seem to mind that he made fun of me being a ginger and being Scottish.
MACKEY: [suddenly becomes angry and somewhat ashamed] We have Eric Cartman more or less under control, m'kay? We're working on him, m'kay?
FIONA: M'kay… [notices something] Hey, that's a nice trophy.
[The camera now shows a gold medal on Mr Mackey's shelf.]
MACKEY: Oh, yes, it's a golden medal from the Park County School Councellor Awards, m'kay? I came first, so I'm kind of proud of it, m'kay?
FIONA: I see. [keeps looking at it, smiling and lowering her eyebrows in a cunning manner]
MACKEY: Anyway, Fiona, It's best that we forget about everything provided that you don't cause trouble at school ever again, m'kay?
FIONA: I'll try. Mr Mackey, can I ask you something? Why do you always have to repeat…
MACKEY: Repeat what, m'kay?
FIONA: …nothing. Thank you very much.
MACKEY: It's m'kay. Just try to behave yourself, m'kay?
FIONA: I will, Mr Mackey. Thank you. [they shake hands, then Fiona stands up and leaves the office]
MACKEY: M'kay... [looks at his wrist to tell the time] Now- Hey! Where's my watch, m'kay?
[The school yard, the children are playing in the playground. Stan and Butters are standing in a crowd of other children. Cartman is seen sitting with Kenny on a fence next to a swing, with Cartman being on the swing and Kenny holding him up. We can see that Kenny is having a hard time, because Eric is too heavy for him.]
CARTMAN: And so, good people of South Park, you are witnessing a birth of a new hero, Human Cannonball! With my amazing flying powers, I will land right in that mattress and save you all! I want to thank…
[Cartman keeps talking while camera shows Clyde and Token.]
TOKEN: What does flying to the mattress have to do with saving us?
CLYDE: I dunno.
CARTMAN: …without further ado, I will now fly like an eagle to…
STAN: Just jump already and get it over with, Fatass Cannonball!
CARTMAN: Ay! Shut the hell up, hippie! And so…
WENDY: Shut up and jump, fatass! Poor Kenny is going to die of tiredness if he holds you up any longer!
KENNY: [frightened] (No, don't you fucking say that! Nobody 's fucking going to die!)
[Everyone looks at Kenny.]
CARTMAN: Geez, Ken, don't be such a wuss. Er-hem! And to conclude…
STAN: Jump, Cartman!
CARTMAN: OKAY! Let go, Kinney!
[Kenny releases Cartman and falls on the other side of the fence. Eric is sent flying and lands on his face just beside the mattress. The children all watch it with no emotion displayed on their faces whatsoever, except for Butters, who opens his mouth, worried and takes a few steps in Cartman's direction. Eric does not move.]
BUTTERS: Uh, Eric! Are you all right?
CARTMAN: Ah! Son of a bitch! [he sits up and then notices his nose bleeding] Aaargh! I'm bleeeeding! Mooooooooooooom! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm!
STAN: He's all right. Are you all right, Kenny?
KENNY: [after falling down, he stands up and cleans himself up from the dust] (Yeah, I'm fine!) [a couple of dogs appear and bite him to death] (Oh, fuck, I should've expe- aaaargh!) [the dogs leave after a while and take Kenny's head with them]
STAN: [after staring at the event with other children, open-mouthed] Oh, my god! They killed Kenny!
[Kyle and Fiona arrive and stand next to Stan.]
KYLE: You bastards! [looks around] What happened?
STAN: [gasping] They… they killed Kenny!
KYLE: Oh. [notices Kenny's headless corpse] You bastards!
[the children slowly start to leave]
STAN: Dude, where've you been? Cartman's been trying to fly.
KYLE: Again?
FIONA: Hey, that's right, the fat boy's lying on the ground. [approaches him] Don't you want to see the nurse, Cartman? Your fat nose is bleeding.
CARTMAN: [with trouble speaking] Don't… you get… all friendly with me… bitch…
KYLE: [whispers to Stan] Dude, I was thinking, maybe we should let Fiona into our group? She's new around here, she seems pretty funny and she pisses Cartman off. It's perfect!
STAN: I don't know, Kyle. I mean, she's Scottish and all… What if we get ripped on because of that too?
KYLE: By who? Cartman? Dude, since when do we care about what Cartman thinks?
STAN: …you've got a point.
KYLE: Anyway, you know what happens to all the new kids. Do you really want her to listen to Mackey and turn into another Pip?
[The camera now shows Pip appearing in front of Fiona. She looks indifferent.]
PIP: Hello, my name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me. I heard you were from Britain too.
FIONA: Don't you compare yourself with me, you posh, snotty-nosed, upper class, Sassenach pig!
PIP: Oh. Right-o. [goes away]
[The camera returns to Stan and Kyle looking at the Brits.]
STAN: No, I guess not. [turns to Kyle] Look, Kyle leave me out of it, I don't really care if she joins or not.
KYLE: Dude, you want Cartman to win?
STAN: No, I'm just saying we don't know her well enough to let her join us. Your rivalry with Cartman doesn't have to do with anything! You wouldn't suggest the whole Fiona thing if it weren't for that! Kyle, just promise it won't get us in trouble.
KYLE: How could it possibly get us in trouble? Okay, I promise. [speaks loudly, so that Cartman and Fiona can hear too] All right, why don't we vote? All against Fiona joining our group, raise your hands!
[Cartman stands up, surprised.]
CARTMAN: What? What are you trying to pull, you sneaky Jew? I'll never let that ginger slut join! [raises his hand]
KYLE: All in favour? [raises his hand. Looks at Stan, but he only shrugs]
STAN: Leave me out of it, dude.
[Finally Kenny arrives and raises his hand. Nobody except Fiona is surprised that he's alive.]
KYLE: All right, two for, one against. Fiona joins!
[Fiona seems stunned.]
KENNY: (Woo-hoo!)
FIONA: …Wasn't that orange kid a headless dead body just a while ago?
STAN and KYLE: What?
FIONA: Never mind… I must be seeing things.
[Cartman looks furious. He stops Kenny, who was going to walk off-screen.]
CARTMAN: Kinney? What the fuck? You don't even know that bitch!
KENNY: [excited] (Dude, I can't wait till she grows titties!)
[A moment of silence.]
FIONA: Titties?
[The children are all seated in the classroom. Fiona sits down in the front, on the right, between Butters and Bebe, where Bradley Biggle usually sits. This becomes her usual seat in later episodes. Mr Garrison is writing something on the blackboard.]
GARRISON: And so, children, we can see that Polly from Fawlty Towers was a dirty little slut…
[Suddenly, Mr Mackey bursts into the classroom.]
MACKEY: M'kay, you think this is so funny, McTeagle, m'kay? [hysterically]Let's see how you like this, m'kay?
Pins Fiona up against the wall with his hand. She lets out a scream.
STAN: Jesus Christ!
TWEEK: Aargh! She's gonna be killed! Ugh!
CARTMAN: Awesome!
[All children as well as Mr Garrison are shocked at Mr Mackey's behaviour.]
GARRISON: Mackey, what the hell are you doing, beating up a student in my classroom?
[Mackey calms down a bit.]
MACKEY: Oh, I'm sorry, Herbert, I'll take her outside...
GARRISON: Now that's better...
KYLE: No, it's not! The problem is that he's beating her up, not where!
FIONA: What have I done?
MACKEY: You dare to ask what you have done, m'kay? I'm gonna teach you a lesson, you little bitch, m'kay?
GARRISON: Mackey, watch your language, for fuck's sake...
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: [from the intercom] Attention, students! The following number of stu... uh, people are to report to the principal's office immediately: Fiona McTeagle, Emmet Mackey, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Stanley Marsh and Eric Cartman.
CARTMAN: Hah!... Wait, what?
MACKEY: Aw, Jesus, what now, m'kay?
[Principal Victoria's office. The children are seated on the left and Mackey on the right, sulking. The principal is pinching the bridge of her nose. Stan and Kenny don't seem to know why they're here while Cartman is only looking angrily at Kyle.]
VICTORIA: Sigh... Now, children, you know why you're here?
CHILDREN: No.
MACKEY: [angrily] Oh, now this is just bullshit, m'kay?
VICTORIA: Mr Mackey, will you please be quiet? Now all of you have been very naughty, and that includes you too, Mr Mackey!
MACKEY: Aw, me? Why me, m'kay?
VICTORIA: Beating up a student was very inappropriate for a responsible grown-up like you, Mr Mackey! Not to mention the fact that you're a school counsellor...
MACKEY: [in tears] Not anymore I'm not, m'kay? I've lost my pride as a school counsellor!
FIONA: But why? What have we done?
VICTORIA: What?
KYLE: [rolling his eyes] You still haven't told us what we've done!
VICTORIA: Oh. [sits down] Apparently, Mr Mackey has been complaining about a certain valuable thing which was stolen from him today.
MACKEY: [crying] That's right! She took my watch and my precious medal, m'kay? She took my medal!
[Suddenly faint voices of the town's rednecks can be heard from the window.]
REDNECK 1: They took our jobs!
REDNECK 2: They tooker jerb!
REDNECK 3: 'ook 'ur jrbs!
REDNECK 4: 'rk 'r-djrb!
[All present in the office look at the window. The voices begin to mix into a loud rabble. Principal Victoria moves to the window and opens it.]
VICTORIA: Shut up! [she closes it] That's better...
KYLE: Let me put this straight: you're accusing Fiona of stealing the medal? On what grounds?
[Cartman begins to smirk.]
KYLE: You're just using ethnic stereotypes to make someone else get the blame!
CARTMAN: See? I told you, Kahl, but you didn't listen! Both Scots and Jews are greedy bastards.
KYLE: Why don't you shut up, fatass?
CARTMAN: Ay! Don't call me fat, you stinkin' Jew!
VICTORIA: Okiaaay, children, I understand how you feel, but apparently Mr Mackey collected some serious evidence.
MACKEY: That's right, m'kay! I asked the other fourth grade's class where Fiona had been supposed to go to and it turned out, as Terrance Mephesto reported, that all of them had something stolen the day she was introduced to the class! How do you like that, you little fuckers? M'kay?
VICTORIA: Mr Mackey!
MACKEY: I'm sorry, but I had to be harsh, m'kay?
[Everyone's looking at Fiona.]
FIONA: That doesn't prove anything! It could have been just pure coincidence... right? [looks at everyone. There is a brief pause]
CARTMAN: Ooooh... You're stepping on thin ice, ginger...
FIONA: Shut your mouth, fat boy!
VICTORIA: Oookiay, children, let's calm down. It's a very serious issue, Mr Mackey has said that if you don't confess, Fiona, we'll have to take this matter to court.
MACKEY: That's right, McTeagle! I'm suing your ass, you fucking thief! See you in court!
[He points his finger at Fiona and walks off]
CARTMAN: This is becoming one of the best days of my life...
KYLE: [stands up and goes to Cartman] Wait a minute! How come I didn't see it before? It was you who stole that stuff, Cartman! You did it and then told Mackey it was Fiona because you hate her!
CARTMAN: You're such a Jew, Kahl! You're accusing me of thinking up such a stupid plan? I would have come up with something much cleverer! Besides, I still hate you more than her.
VICTORIA: I must say that's one of the reasons we asked you here, Eric. You must admit you might have had something to do with it, given your criminal record.
CARTMAN: What? I don't have any criminal record!
[everyone lowers their eyebrows; then, we see a series of flashbacks with most of the crimes Cartman committed in the past: killing Rob Reiner in "Butt out", attempting to kill Kyle with a bat in "Toilet Paper", kidnapping Butters in "Casa Bonita", beating up Jimmy in the same episode, acting as a prostitute in "Freak Strike", setting the school on fire in "Butt Out", hitting Token with a rock in "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000", performing unlicensed liposuction surgery on Butters in "Jared has Aides", graverobbing with the boys in "Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery", leading the drunken Confederacy Army, breaking into Kyle's room in "Mechastreisand" and finally, making Scott Tenorman eat his parents in "Scott Tenorman Must Die"]
CARTMAN: Ooh. Well, one or two things, maybe... But you have nothing on me, anyway!
KYLE: We'll see, fatass!
CARTMAN: Whatevah, faggots! Let's see how you will cry when I testify against the ogre princess! See you in court, gingers! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
He leaves.
STAN: Okay, so Fiona might have stolen this medal, Cartman's an evil asshole, but what does it have to do with us?
KENNY: (Yeah, I fucking don't get it!)
VICTORIA: Oh, yes, but I got the impression that you know each other quite well. You seem to be quite friendly with each other.
STAN: Yes, but it doesn't mean we should get the blame! We hardly know each other and besides, we didn't do anything!
FIONA: [frowning] Hey, Stan, the problem is that I'm being accused of stealing, not that you're getting the blame for it!
STAN: Don't you act like you've known me for such a long time, Scotch girl!
KYLE: Stan? What are you saying? Dude, don't act like an asshole!
STAN: How can you be so convinced that she's innocent? That's fucking naive!
VICTORIA: Stanley!
STAN: I know that we have to be friendly to new people, but Jesus Christ, she's a complete stranger to us! What do we know about her? She might as well have stolen that stuff! We don't have to believe every word she says!
KYLE: Dude, you know Cartman! It's obvious he did all this! I choose to believe Fiona, Kenny does too, right, Ken?
KENNY: [somewhat hypnotised] (Booobs...)
STAN: Look Kyle, we're best friends. But I have to say that because of you inviting Fiona into our group, we're now in trouble up to here. I'm sorry, but I don't wanna get involved. I hate to say it, but... [imitates Cartman's gesture] Screw you guys, I'm going home. [he leaves]
End of the second chapter. Don't like - review and point out my mistakes. Sorry, I'm trying my best not to be a review whore...
