"Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go.
But no matter, the road is life." Jack Kerouac
Raleigh to Chicago
Violet arrived at the station early, parking in the lot so she had a good view of the arrivals from DC. He'd said he would be there at 10, but she glimpsed him stepping off the train at 9:45. She turned off the car and stepped out into the warm, early autumn day to greet him. She walked briskly towards him, anxious now to hold him, to smell him, to see how he had changed. When she thought of Klaus, he almost always remained 18 years old in her memory, but here he was, not taller than she remembered, but broader, more manly, though he still remained thin. He still had the same sense of style, wearing nice jeans with a button down shirt, the cuffs rolled up to his elbows. His hair was neatly trimmed around his neck, but with a mop of curls on top of his head, which she loved, reminding her still of the boy she had grown up with. The biggest change that she noticed right away was the short scruff he had let grow on his face.
"You grew a beard? It suits you," Violet said amiably when she reached him. He dropped his bag on the ground next to him and took her in his arms, embracing her in a bear hug, and she couldn't have asked for more. It was right where she had wanted to be.
Klaus held her out at arm's length and gave her a looking over. "Hello, Violet. You look good," he answered her with a smile. Her hair had grown long and she left it down, because that's how he liked it best. She had on a pair of jeans and a tank and wore a comfortable flannel over top. She had probably gained a little weight since he saw her last, but Violet had never been one to worry over her body image.
"Is this all you've brought?" she asked, gesturing to his duffel bag. "Where are all the books? I figured there would be a whole suitcase for books alone just to read in the car?" she teased. "What are you reading now, anyhow?" she asked. Might as well dispense with insignificant small talk and get to the conversations, and Klaus loved to talk about books. It would set him at ease quicker than anything else. She lifted his bag for him from the ground and headed towards the car, plopping it down in the backseat, where he could reach it easily.
"Well, the library is doing that new exhibit on the literature that influenced Thomas Jefferson's life. We have his personal books on loan to us from his Monticello Estate. I would love to visit there, sometime. I hear the gardens are magnificent, Violet. Anyway, I've been reading through his collection and grouping them into categories, and goodness, seeing a personal annotation in one of his books is just…wow." Klaus eased himself into the front seat of Violet's little crossover and buckled himself in. "It's a real privilege to be able to handle those books, but of course, I can't bring them on a road trip with me."
"That's really cool…Okay, lets's discuss our route real quick before we get started" Violet said, pulling out her phone. "There are three ways we can go. We can drive through Indiana, Missouri, Nebraska, or we can go Wisconsin, Iowa, South Dakota, or, and I'm leaning towards this one, because why else would we ever drive through these states otherwise, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana."
"Ooh, can we go the South Dakota way? Can we stop at Mount Rushmore?" he asked hopefully.
"Sure, if you want to. I've never been to those states, so I can still mark them off my bucket list," Violet agreed easily, picking the route from her phone and setting it in the dashboard holder. "At any rate, our first leg of the journey should get us to the Chicago area."
"Oh, this will be harder than I thought. There's so much to see. Will we have time for any sightseeing? What time do we have to be in Seattle, by the way?"
"Well, if we don't run into any problems, and drive about twelve hours per day, we could have a whole day left for sightseeing. Our meeting with Jerome's lawyer is Tuesday," Violet answered, glad to see Klaus was excited about the trip. It would be nice to make some good memories together. She felt a short pang of regret that they hadn't been able to bring Sunny along. She would enjoy sightseeing, too. "Why don't you make a tentative schedule while we're driving? It'll be good to know where we should stop for breaks depending on what we want to see, right?"
Violet turned on the radio, pulled out of the station and onto the highway. She couldn't believe they were going to have so much unadulterated time together, maybe a week straight, and he hadn't even brought a single book. Violet felt so happy she knew she was smiling like a maniac. She glanced sideways at him as she put on her blinker to change lanes. He was smiling back at her.
"What?" she asked.
"I could ask you the same thing. What are you smiling about?"
She reached across the console to grab his hand off of his leg, bringing it to her lips to kiss it. "I am so happy to see you. I don't think you could wipe the smile off of my face right now."
His own smile faltered a little, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "Violet," he began, a warning in his tone, but she cut him off.
"Don't worry," she said, squeezing his hand. "We'll be okay." She could feel him staring at her, but she dared not look back right now, afraid of what she might see in his expression, but then he squeezed her hand in return. She expected him to take his hand from hers, to play it safe, but instead he interlaced their fingers and rested their hands on her thigh.
"So…all the way to Chicago today? We won't get there until late, but maybe in the morning we could stop at Millennial Park. Should we stay downtown?" Klaus asked. Money was not too much of an issue for the Baudelaire siblings. When Violet had finally, jumping through hoops to do it, gotten their inheritance, she had immediately split the money three ways and assigned each an annuity. This gave them each a paycheck of sorts every month to do with as they wished, even Sunny. Violet did not want to risk something happening to her and Sunny not being able to get to their inheritance. Sunny's money mostly went into a savings account, but she used some of hers to help pay her high tuition and any traveling that she wanted, or any personal shopping that she did, although Violet bought her stuff all the time. Klaus also had a job in Washington DC, because brains like his needed to be used and he enjoyed keeping busy. Violet didn't work and hadn't really finished school, but spent a lot of her time gardening. She had become quite a horticulturist and made use of her talent volunteering in community gardening projects around her city and at schools. She was the mother figure in their threesome and had made Klaus's and Sunny's education top priority.
"Isn't there some old hotel there, close to that park? Call and see if we can make reservations," Violet suggested.
He typed on his phone for a few minutes before announcing, "The Palmer House Hilton? It's only a few blocks from the park, but still a good walk to the pier. We may run out of time if we try to do everything." He made quick reservations without difficulty and it felt good to have a particular destination in mind.
They stopped for fast food around 2 pm, just after passing through Pittsburg and switched drivers. "Don't judge my driving, Violet," Klaus admonished as she hung onto the door handle for dear life when he practically swerved onto the highway. "You know I take the train everywhere in the city, so I don't get to practice."
"It's fine. Just…you don't have to go too fast until you get used to it again. I'm sure you'll have lots of practice before this trip is over. Klaus! Watch out…don't get too close to that semi!" she called, not letting go of the handle. She would have to be on her toes for a little while, keeping an eye on him as he got used to her car. She had a flashback to when she had taught him how to drive. She'd let him practice on her old Toyota after his driver's ed course. He'd drive around and around the city's bypass, trying to learn how to stay in his own lane and to control his speed. He evidently hadn't improved much since those days, and she suddenly feared for Sunny and all the times he had driven her since.
The car remained mostly silent except for the radio and Violet's occasional driving instructions, which he repeated several times that he didn't need, over the next hour or so, until they were able to leave most of the city traffic behind them.
"So," Violet was going to ask the question she dreaded most, but had to know. "Are you seeing anyone?"
He kept his eyes straight ahead on the road, but his hands gripped the steering wheel noticeably harder. "No."
"Oh."
"I was."
"What happened?" God, she shouldn't be asking. She definitely did not want to know, did not want to hear about the girls in his life, although she heard much through Sunny.
"She broke up with me."
"Well, that was silly of her. Why on earth would she do that?"
"She said I couldn't give her what she needed." He never looked away from the road. She shouldn't ask. No, she definitely did not want to know the answer.
She asked. "What did she want from you, Klaus?"
"She wanted me to love her, but I couldn't. I couldn't even say it. She accused me of loving someone else and… and I suspect she was right." He said it simply, but everything about his words were so complicated. It brought sudden images to the forefront of her mind, not that they were ever buried very deep, images of whispered words in the dark, the feel of Klaus's naked torso moving against hers, interlacing fingers just as they were briefly this morning. 'I love you' confessed over and over again into her shoulder. Those memories always stole her breath away. They were sudden and quick and left her feeling so bereft.
When she felt she could talk again, after a long pause to let the familiar ache in her throat fade, she asked, "Why didn't you just tell her you loved her, Klaus? Would it have been so bad to tell one little lie, and then maybe, you would have loved her eventually? You could have been happy?"
He only shrugged. "I don't regret it, Violet," and she wasn't sure if he meant breaking up with his girlfriend or loving Violet instead, and then he was holding her hand again, bringing it to his lips this time, and again with the memories. Little flashbacks of those soft, full lips against other body parts, never hesitant, always desperate. She had to look away, had to stare out of the window for a good long time, because time heals all wounds, right? Except, in their case, it didn't seem to be working out that way.
Violet must have fallen asleep with her head against the window, because the next thing she knew, Klaus was squeezing her hand, saying her name gently. "Hey Violet, wake up. We had to stop for gas. Do you need to use the restroom?" She looked around blearily, pressing her palms into her eyes to help them focus. Klaus was getting out of the driver's seat to pump the gas. They were at a busy station, and her phone read 5:45 pm.
Unbuckling her seatbelt, she had to exit the car slowly, her body stiff from sitting all day. She stretched and Klaus looked over his shoulder at her while sliding his card at the pump.
"Where are we?" she asked.
"Just got through Cincinnati."
"You drove through the city all by yourself?" she asked incredulously.
"In case you haven't noticed, I am a grown man with a valid driver's license. I am perfectly capable of driving us safely through the city," he answered defensively but still teasing. Violet scoffed. "We're still alive aren't we?" he said to that. "Besides, you snored through it like a grown man yourself, so what do you care?"
"No need for petty insults. I do not snore." It was Klaus's turn to scoff. "I'm heading in to pee," she announced. "Should we get a snack?"
It was good to stretch their legs for a few minutes, but they were already scheduled to get to the hotel late, so they ate their gas station hotdogs and coffees on the road. It was Violet's turn to drive and she imagined that Klaus would nap as she had, but after his food, he angled his back against the car door to look at her while he chatted about work. He held both hands around his styrofoam coffee cup, nursing it, taking small sips, but it was strong and all the creamer in the world couldn't cut down on the bitterness of it.
Klaus was always happy and animated when he got to talk about books. It was really good to hear that he enjoyed his work and was successful in DC. He was one of the youngest librarians employed there. He pretty much had a photographic memory and Violet had wondered at times if it wasn't as much curse as blessing, because although he could easily recall various information instantly, he also could never forget many of the things he had lived through.
As a result, his dreams and, unfortunately, his nightmares were very vivid. Even after waking from them it would take him some time to differentiate between dream and reality. How many times had she had to hold him after a bad dream, rock him and rub his head, telling him over and over that it wasn't real? He'd had those nightmares all the way up until he had left her for school, when he was 18, and she wondered if he suffered as regularly from them now as he did then. Who helped him through the night, now?
The first time he had kissed her, he was only 16 then, he had awoken from another horrible dream, screaming for her. "Violet! Violet! No, no, no." They had shared a bed then, but when hadn't they?
She'd sat up, cradling his face, saying, "I'm here, Klaus. It was just a dream. It's okay," shushing him like a small child.
"No, Violet. He had you." Violet had known who 'he' was. "He had you and he was hurting you, and.. oh my God. No, he can't have you like that." Klaus was so distressed, he was holding her upper arms in a vice grip. "He can't have you," he repeated, quieter, but so fierce. "You're mine, you're mine."
"Of course, Klaus," Violet soothed him. "I'm yours. It's okay, he's dead. He can't hurt us anymore." She kissed his forehead and his cheeks. She had wished at the time, and every time, that he could have had a normal childhood, growing up with a mother and a father, instead of her as a poor substitute.
"You're mine," he stated again, pressing his forehead to hers. He was already taller than her by that time. She had long been done growing, while he was just getting his growth spurt. "Say it again." Even though he was on the cusp of becoming a man, he had looked so scared, holding her like she might vanish.
"I'm yours, Klaus." She never could remember exactly why she had stated it like that, but she did remember how he had sighed in relief, how he had looked at her as he had pressed his lips, hesitatingly that first time, so tenderly to hers. She hadn't known if he was still partly dreaming, but was eager to comfort him, relieved to have wiped that awful fear from his face. She had let him kiss her, had even returned his ardor when his mouth slanted across hers, becoming desperate, his hands still holding her arms and pulling her closer, and she, running her own hands through his soft, bedhead hair, had told herself at the time that she did it only to comfort him, but truthfully, she had felt so comforted herself. Klaus wouldn't let anyone else hurt her, had never even let Count Olaf hurt her if he could help it. There was no one that she trusted more than Klaus, even with her heart. Klaus was the safest place to be, and if he wanted to surround her with his arms and his kisses, then that's what she had wanted, too.
That was, until the morning after, each apologizing to the other for taking it too far. Kissing between siblings was wrong. Guilt and incest were two words that weighed heavily on their minds that day. Klaus had confessed to feeling as lecherous as 'him', and each one had felt they had taken advantage of the other. At any rate they promised to put it in the past and of course, never cross that line again. God, how many times had they crossed it?
Their attraction for each other had become an addiction. Every time, they would hold out as long as they could, knowing it was wrong, knowing they shouldn't, until the craving became too much and they had to give in. They were just kids playing grown-up. Kids who needed attention and comfort and most of all love. They were all each other had in the whole world. Knowing this never assuaged their guilt, never made them comfortable with what they did. They grew up loving each other so much and hating that they did, hated the way loving each other made them feel so ashamed.
Now Violet could look back and see how all of that inner turmoil was such a waste of time. All of this time away from Klaus, trying to control their feelings for each other, had been a waste. What was the point of life if there was never any happiness, and there would never be happiness for her as long as Klaus wasn't part of her life.
The long afternoon had finally turned into darkness, and the pattern of the oncoming traffic's headlights were lulling to Violet. Klaus must have finally dozed off during her daydreaming, because he jerked awake when his phone rang. He fumbled with it for a couple of rings before he could accept the call.
"Hey Sunshine!" he greeted their little sister. "How was grandparent's day? I heard you had a closed weekend so you could help host." He was quiet while he listened to Sunny on the other end of the call. "You got to sing the solo? Wow!… Well, what's on for tomorrow then?" More silence. "That sounds fun. Hey, guess who I'm here with?…Yeah, Violet. Yeah." Violet had informed the school that she and Klaus would be traveling. When she had told Sunny, there had been a series of squeals on the other end of the line. "Don't be too jealous, okay, but we're dong a road trip across the country…oh, it's to have a meeting with a lawyer in Washington. Your sister thought it would be fun to drive for three days straight to get there." Violet could hear Sunny's little bell peal laughter through the phone all the way from the driver's seat. "Yeah, so far, so good. We'll text you pictures along the way. Today was mostly just getting off the East Coast…Chicago…Yeah, okay. I'll tell her. Are you behaving?…Always, huh?…I know, I'm just teasing you…I love you, too…" Then Klaus was listening for a long moment, seriousness replacing his lighthearted banter, until he sort of turned away from Violet and said more quietly, as if he was sorry that Violet could hear, "Sunny, you don't know what you're talking about…" Violet could hear Sunny raise her voice on the other end, but couldn't make out what she was saying. "Don't be silly…Fine, I'm listening, yes. Okay, I know. All right…okay. I love you, too. Call us again as soon as you can. All right, Bye." He pressed the End Call button on his phone.
"Well, that sounded…a little suspicious," Violet said, brimming with curiosity.
"Sunny's as stubborn as you are," he accused.
"She's as stubborn as you!" she replied.
"She gets it honestly." He didn't say anything about the call.
"Well, what did she say?"
"She got to sing the solo with the choir today for the grandparent event. Tomorrow, she is working in the cafeteria to help serve all the extra people lunch, but then in the afternoon a group of them are all going hiking."
"And then you let her fuss at you?" Violet asked.
"She can be quite opinionated about our relationship," he gestured between Violet and himself. "I think she knows."
"I didn't tell her." No one had to tell her. It was written all over their faces for anyone who bothered to read between the lines.
"She's pretty smart. She told me not to… not to run away, not to make you cry."
Violet tried to smile bravely. "She is a silly thing. I don't know why she would say that."
"Did I make you cry, Violet?" Again with so much shame. He was feeling it right now, she could tell, and it broke her heart. She wished Klaus could just live his life, without having to feel so much angst. She never wanted him to know how much their separation had cost her, but goddamn it, a traitorous tear ran down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly.
"Of course not. We did what we had to do, right? I've missed you, though. Our little meetings to shuttle Sunny around aren't enough for me. This trip, being with you right here in the car with me, well, it's pretty great. Thank you for coming with me."
"I am sorry for hurting you. Leaving is never the easy decision for me. Every fiber in my being wants to stay with you, you have to know that," he said so sincerely, and she just couldn't hear it right now or she would cry, because she wanted him to stay with every fiber of her being and yet they tortured themselves.
"Don't."
"But we have Sunny to think about," he continued anyway, "and I don't want there to be any reasons that she is taken away from us. I couldn't bear it," he tried to explain.
"I know. I get it. We don't have to talk about it," she cut the conversation off as they pulled off at the exit, finally almost to their hotel. Violet was dead tired. She had woken up to get an early start this morning, and had actually driven an extra four hours more just to meet Klaus at the train station. It was no wonder she felt like crying. She just had to hold it together a little while longer, just had to make it to her room.
Another twenty minutes had them pulling up to valet parking and unloading their bags from the backseat. Klaus headed for the registration desk to get their keys. They had made pretty good time, had hardly stopped at all, but it was still just after 11 pm. Violet passed through the lobby, bleary-eyed and tired, unable to enjoy the beauty of the historic Chicago hotel. They entered a huge room full of elevators that face in every direction depending on where in the hotel you were staying. It took Klaus only a few seconds to figure out which set of elevators was theirs and he pressed the button for the 8th floor. He handed her a key card and pointed out the room number. "My room should be right next door, if you need me." They walked down two long hallways to get to her room and sure enough, his was the next room down. "Just let me put my bag down and I'll help you get into your room." He dropped his duffel by his own door, but she was already putting the magnetic key card to the lock. She opened the door and threw her bag inside, then stood leaning in the doorway, propping the door open with her hip. She didn't let him into the room.
"So, we need to get a fairly early start tomorrow, okay?" she reminded and he nodded. He moved closer to her, plainly wanting to hug her, and she stepped out of the doorway to let him. He held her for so long, bending down a little to curl his tall frame around her, to press his cheek against hers, before she pulled back. "Can I touch your beard?"
He laughed. "Of course." His beard was just a short scruffy thing, the sexy kind that made him look like he had a permanent five o'clock shadow. She put a hand to each of his cheeks and the hairs felt softer than she had imagined if you brushed it one way, and quite prickly if brushed it the other. She scratched her fingertips through the short hairs and he closed his eyes, clearly enjoying the feel of her hands. "It gets itchy, actually, so that feels pretty good." She couldn't help herself, she pushed her hands behind his head to feel his soft curls, imagining a thousand other times she had done so, either to comfort him or to hold him closer while his mouth roamed her body. She pulled his face close and he let her, giving him one chaste kiss on the lips, though her own lips trembled with the effort of controlling her tears. "Violet." He said her name with such longing. He pulled her hands down and held them. "You're sorely testing my self control."
"Wouldn't it be nice to kiss like real people?" she laughed, a short mirthless sound that almost turned into a sob. "Goodnight, Klaus," and she turned from him to unlock her door again. He was still standing there, watching her, concerned, when she went to close the door. "See you bright and early." Then there was that blessed barrier between her and the object of all of her desires. She let the tears come finally as she undressed for bed. How silly they were, but they had good reasons for their misery. Of course they needed to protect Sunny, protect each other from themselves, as always, so that there was at least a chance at a normal life. Violet fell into bed and was asleep before her head hit the pillow.
