I own nothing...
Chapter 2
Lou
I awoke to the sounds of hushed, but frantic whispers. I kept my eyes closed tight as I listened to the voices around me.
"I don't think we should move her. Maybe she and I should make the move in a few days." That was Rachel's voice.
"Should we call the Doc?"
"She has been asleep for thirteen hours Teaspoon, that aint right."
"She said she's fine maybe we need to just take her word for it,"
"Come on Jimmy she was lying through her teeth, surely you don't believe the line she fed us."
"I want to."
"Come on boys leave her be. This is her way of healing."
I heard them all file out of the room and shut the door behind them.
I tried to go back to sleep, but I would see the faces of the men that broke me.
Their eyes,
Their mouths,
Their hands,
Their breath,
I could still feel them on me, so much so my skin felt like it was crawling, and my skin began to itch.
The longer I stayed in that bed, the worse it was getting. The blankets felt heavy, and I no longer wanted them on me.
But I kept drifting in and out of sleep.
I finally let my eyes spring open, no longer wanting to be asleep, and no longer wanting to be in this bunk or in this room. The air was too thick, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I need to breathe.
I could hear the snores of the boys but I couldn't see a damn thing, except the glowing ambers still alight in the fire place. Was it night again?
As carefully as I could I got off of my bunk, biting my lip so I wouldn't scream out in pain.
"Where are you going Lou?" Cody's sleepy voice whispered.
"Nowhere," I said as I stepped out of the door. I needed air and I really need to use the outhouse.
I hobbled my way to the outhouse wincing as I did my business. I was so sore down there I would hate to think what I looked like.
I hobbled over to Rachel's just wanting to sit and swing on her porch swing.
I could feel the tears fall painfully down my face.
I looked up to the moon silently asking it why I was chosen to go through this. Why did those men pick me to fight their battles?
There was no way I would ever tell Jimmy. I would not add to his troubles and I will not give Roberts the satisfaction.
.
.
Night turned into day, day into night. I had kept quiet, too quiet. Kid was always asking me if I was ok, if there was something he could do. I know he was concerned but it was really getting on my nerves. I hated how I was ignoring him at all costs.
I could feel this pressure building up inside of me. This desolation of darkness was taking over me. I hated all that were around me, but I hated myself even more.
I went from wanting to wash every second to every minute of the day, to avoiding a bath altogether. I hated seeing the marks on my body. Shapes of their fingers, teeth and nails. I hated every inch of my skin. I wanted to smash every mirror where I caught a glimpse at how ugly I truly was.
I knew I was in trouble. I knew I was going to break.
I tried to get away, go for a ride clear my head, scream at the sky, but I couldn't ride.
It was too painful to sit in the saddle, and when I tried, I leapt out of it so fast instantly crying in pain and scaring all that watched me. And they were all watching me, but now they watched me with questioning eyes, knowing eyes.
I hated them.
"Lou we are heading into town to help Teaspoon before we head out tomorrow, do you want to come?" Kid asked carefully, but pissing me off. Had he just not witnessed my trouble with even sitting in a saddle?
"No I don't." I snapped hating the hurt that crossed in his eyes. Feeling like shit that I was the one that put it there, I felt like I should apologise.
"Kid I'm sorry. I'm just so sore its making me irritable."
"That's ok, I just wish there was something I could do." Kid said kindly and honestly.
"It's not ok Kid. It aint' fare on you or the others." I sighed, "I just got to play this out Kid. I'll come right in a few days." I lied again.
He looked at me, and I could see that he was unsure what to say or what to do so I gave him an out, "Off you go, I will be fine." Another lie.
"Lou you haven't talked to me in days. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, please tell me what happened."
My tears came down thick and fast, but silent when I heard the hurt and desperation in his voice.
A part of me believed that he needed to know, and I did want to tell him. But the other part of me was scared that he would see what I saw when I looked into the mirror, and that was my tainted ugliness.
"Please Kid I'm just sore is all, and slightly embarrassed that I fell from Lightning, please I'm ok just go." If I kept up with this lie I knew it was going to eat me alive.
"Well if you're sure..."
"I am, so please go." I bit my lip hard, needing to keep my screaming in. Needing to not let them see how truly ugly I had become.
Kid got up and with one last parting look he joined Noah, Buck, Ike and Cody. He jumped on Katy and rode off.
I felt like a load had been lifted, and that I could breathe just a little easier when they all left me alone.
I decided to go for a walk and make the most of the day, before they all returned. I had no direction in mind I just kept walking until I finally decided to rest. I sat down in the long grass, pulling my knees up to my chest.
I knew I had been out here for a while, and something was telling me that I needed to head back, but I was happy here. It was quiet and not so confining.
"What are you doing way out here?" Jimmy's voice asked from behind me.
"Just thinking," I replied not bothering to turn around.
"Must be serious to come all this way out, you had us all worried." I pushed down the annoyance and anger that were bubbling inside of me.
The peace I felt just a moment ago, had now gone.
"When will you all learn to stop worrying about me?" I growled,
"I'll tell you what, I will stop asking if you're ok, and I will get the others to back off if you tell me that what we think happened to you isn't true." Panic seeped through me. I knew that they had figured it out. Well I wouldn't confirm their suspicions.
And I will not give Robert's the satisfaction of getting Jimmy to come after him.
"Because I swear Lou if what we are all thinking is true, we need to know." Jimmy stressed,
"Why so you can have an excuse to kill someone?" I snapped at him.
"Pretty fucking good excuse Lou,"
"I will never be your reason to kill someone" I sneered in hate.
A deafening silence fell between us. I could see in the corner of my eyes that his hands were clenched tight into a fist. He was controlling his own anger, I knew he wanted to rip into me, but he wouldn't.
"I thought we were friends Lou,"
"We are Jimmy so please take my word to be the truth. Nothing happened apart from me coming off my horse." I swallowed the lump of lies that sat thick in my throat. There were too many to count now.
Jimmy's eyes looked pained as he stared down at me.
"I will take your word as the truth Lou, but know that it hurts me to see you like this. Whatever it is that happened to you on your ride, I can see it's claiming you, consuming you and I hate that you have lost the light you had in your eyes, only a few days ago. So if I find out that you aren't being truthful someone will pay, and I will not take your word to be the truth ever again."
His words hurt me, and I could feel my voice within, screaming at him the truth. I wiped my eyes free of their tears and said,
"I wouldn't expect you too,"
"Right, well I'm heading back in, do you want to come with me?"
I shook my head no, not trusting my voice, "I will tell the others you are fine, but please be back before nightfall,"
I just nodded, as Jimmy got up from the ground, and walked away.
My shoulders started shaking as I broke into sobs. I was tearing my friendships up left right and centre. Maybe I should leave, save them and me the grief.
Today we were moving, and I was hoping that by doing so, some of my troubles would stay behind in Sweetwater. I sat with everyone for breakfast, no, I didn't speak, but I did eat something. I wanted to give them one less thing to worry about.
I knew it meant a lot to them to, because I could see smiles on their faces when they looked my way. So I sat and I picked, not listening to what they were saying but enjoying the sounds of their voices any way. And when I was done I excused myself and went and threw up the little I had eaten.
I cleaned myself up and went to finish packing my things.
As the last thing was being loaded on the back of the wagon and the boys had all mounted their horses, I slowly walked over to Lightning, praying that I wasn't going to be as sore today.
I knew that they were all waiting for me, but I slowly and carefully eased into the saddle. I winced as I settled down. I had no idea how I was going to make it to Rock Creek.
I needed to push my pride aside and just accept that I couldn't.
"Um...Rachel would you mind if I rode with you?" I asked with my back to everyone.
"Sure Lou, I would love that." She said sweetly.
I eased out of the saddle, blinking back my tears. I took the saddle from Lightning and placed it on the back of the wagon. I kept my eyes down not daring to look at anyone.
I tied Lightning behind the wagon and took my seat next to Rachel.
"Right well let's get this show on the road," Teaspoon announced, officially starting our convoy.
I knew that Rachel was dying to talk to me, and she was most likely hurt that I hadn't come to her. Being the only two females in this man's environment we needed to stick together. But I made no attempt in starting any conversation up. I just wanted to get to Rock Creek.
As we passed through the town, and just through the outskirts of Sweet Water, the sight of two figures in the distance caught my eye.
"Well Jimmy looks like Roberts is going to give it one last try before you leave town," Noah joked, as my face paled.
I gripped the side of the seat, and looked around me for an escape.
"Lou are you ok?" Rachel whispered.
The boys were too busy talking about Roberts that they didn't hear her.
"No Rachel, I'm not. Please I can't see that man," I whispered just as low. I watched as understanding crossed her face and a tear fell from her eye.
"Oh Louise, I..."
"No Rachel, I don't want to hear it. Please can you just stop?" I asked. I really didn't want to go any further. I could feel my stomach turning and I really needed to be sick again.
"Rachel stop, I'm going to be sick."
She pulled the wagon to a halt as I flew as fast as I could from the seat,
"Lou, Rachel what..." Teaspoon begun but the sound of my vomiting soon stopped his question.
Rachel was beside me with some water, and a cloth. I reached my hand out and took them from her hand at the same time the voice I prayed I would never hear again stopped me.
"I guess these men you consider family don't really care about you Lou," Robert's taunted I looked up to see Kid and Cody looking down at me.
"Lou what is he talking about?" Kid asked as I tried to find Rachel's eyes. I shook my head as once again there were no words.
"Well aint' you a saint little lady," Roberts taunted again.
It was then that I found a set of eyes, but it wasn't Rachel's, it was Jimmy's as he swung around to look down at me. I heard guns being pulled from all around me.
"How do you know Lou is a woman?" Teaspoon asked carefully, but I knew he already knew the answer.
My eyes stayed on Jimmy's silently asking him to forgive me, and begging him not to do anything stupid.
Tears fell as pain stabbed my chest. I couldn't speak, my head just kept shaking hoping that this was just another night mare.
"Lou?" Jimmy asked,
I would not say it.
I would not tell them.
"She didn't tell you of the fun my companion and I had with her the other night? Well I'm just plain old hurt Louise."
My knees gave out, as I fell to the ground.
"LOU!" Kid yelled as he got off Katy and grabbed me in his arms,
"Don't touch me," I cried, "Please don't touch me," I cried again.
Kid let me go instantly, but stayed by my side.
"Get off your horse you piece of shit," I heard Jimmy demand. I knew this was it. This was what Roberts was waiting for, what I was trying to keep from happening.
I lifted my gaze to see that Roberts was smiling brightly as he got off of his horse. He had won, he was going to get what he wanted and it was killing me.
I will not let him win.
I will not allow Jimmy to kill for me.
I did the only thing that I could think of, I grabbed Kid's gun from his holster and I aimed it at Roberts, I could see Kid was going to stop me, so I fired.
