"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"
Rated T for Crude Humor
Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 2: Duncan, Gwen & Trent
(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I don't know why I'm here, but I'm certain it has something to do with a certain delienquent mistaking me for the urinal. Today's contestants are Duncan, Gwen, and the poor man's Eddie Van Halen himself...Trent.
Trent: Hey I'm not a poor man's Eddie Van Halen!
Alex Trebek: That's what they all say, Eddie.
Trent: I'm Trent!
Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's just get to the categories. Here are Potent Potables, Green, Baseball Teams, Celebrity Photos, Things that are orange, and Family Matters.
Gwen: What lame categories.
Alex Trebek: What is the matter?
Gwen: You pooped your pants.
(Alex Trebek notices that he has a brown spot in the back of his pants.)
Alex Trebek: By god, I'm right. Duncan, since you love mistaking me like a gonnorhea-infested bathroom at an airport, you start.
Duncan: Get me Family Matters for $200, butt nugget.
Alex Trebek: I hope that was a toilet reference...For $200, "This Actor played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters."
(A picture of Darius McCrary is shown. No one answers, Duncan plays with his lighter, Gwen takes a nap, and Trent tries to think.)
Alex Trebek: Okay, try this. He went on to voice a dead Transformer in the movie adaptation of "Transformers."
(Still nothing. Duncan is still playing with his lighter, Gwen is still trying to sleep, and Trent is still thinking.)
Alex Trebek: Okay, try this...he went on to play Malcolm Winters on "The Young And The Restless".
(Still nothing, Duncan is still playing with his lighter, Gwen is still sleeping, and Trent finally comes up with an answer. He buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: Finally! Someone who has the heart to answer! Trent?
Trent: Who is David Faustino?
Alex Trebek: Trent...why would David Faustino be black?
Trent: I'd figured he tan.
Alex Trebek: For goodness, sakes...David Faustino played Bud Bundy on "Married...With Children"!
Trent: I thought that was Ashton Kutcher...
Alex Trebek: I hate you...the answer was Darius McCrary.
Gwen: Who?
Alex Trebek: Darius McCrary.
Duncan: Wasn't he in "Rush Hour"?
Alex Trebek: That was Chris Tucker. Never mind, let's just go to another category. Gwen?
Gwen: I'll go Green with $200.
Alex Trebek: Glad to see youre not dead, Gwen. For $200, this character from Naruto wears green.
(A picture of Rock Lee is shown. Trent buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: Angus? (Young)
Trent: Urrgh...I'm Trent.
Alex Trebek: I thought you were Eddie Van Halen.
Trent: No, I'm Angus-Uh, I mean, Trent.
Alex Trebek: Well, whatever your name is, it's wrong.
Trent: WHAT! That's not fair, you didn't let me answer you turd!
Alex Trebek: Life is for squares, Eddie Angus Van Young.
Trent: That ain't my name!
Alex Trebek: Whatever...
(Gwen buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: Gwen.
Gwen: (distastefully) What is poop?
Alex Trebek: How would that...(points to a picture of Rock Lee)...look like poop?
Gwen: Don't admit that looks like poop. Everything looks like brown shit wherever you see it.
Alex Trebek: Thanks...now I may never have gravy again...
(Duncan buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: Of course...Duncan?
Duncan: What is...your mom?
Alex Trebek: Are you on drugs.
(Duncan's eyes are overshot.)
Duncan: Uhhhhhhhh...no.
Alex Trebek: I see that you all three must have no sense of life whatsoever. The answer is...audience?
Audience: ROCK LEE!
Trent: Is he addicted to Bruce Lee?
(Alex Trebek bows his head down in embarassment.)
Alex Trebek: You know what, since I refuse to put up with much 'shit' in a lifetime, let's go to "Final Jeopardy!" And yes, that's a bathroom term. Your clue is to just write what you're thinking.
("Final Jeopardy" theme song plays.)
Alex Trebek: It could be anything you're thinking? Maybe it might be cocaine. Or a horse fueled with cocaine. Or the metal group Metallica drugging a horse with cocaine.
("Final Jeopardy" theme song plays.)
Alex Trebek: Okay, let's start first with Eric Clapton.
Trent: (angrily) I'm Trent! Trent!
Alex Trebek: Like I care much to guess. Trent, you wrote down...
(Trent writes down a bearded man with a guitar with a Christian cross as a pickaxe.)
Alex Trebek: Jesus Christ...I didn't know you were interested in Jesus Christ.
Trent: No, man. It's Clapton.
(Duncan laughs.)
Alex Trebek: (to Duncan) Why are you laughing?
Duncan: I got Clapton too! What are the odds.
(Duncan also writes down Eric Clapton, except that he's a stick figure. Alex Trebek bows his head in embarassment.)
Alex Trebek: I blame your parents for making you pansies...you know what? Forget what you wagered...let's go to Gwen. Gwen, what did you write?
(Gwen writes down a piece of poop.)
Alex Trebek: Poop, huh?
Gwen: Wait till you see what I wagered...
Alex Trebek: Really? We'll let's see...
(Instead of wagering, Gwen writes down a dead Alex Trebek laying down waiting to get pooped.)
Alex Trebek: It's me...getting crapped on. Why?
Gwen: Because you're a piece of s**t, that's why. What do I win, crap-face?
Alex Trebek: You're actually right, for the first time since anyone is on PCP...someone has finally won Celebrity Jeopardy. For that, Gwen wins a lifetime supply of 'shit' from Piers Morgan's bathroom. That's all for "Celebrity Jeopardy!", I'm gonna go try to kill myself with a butter knife. Good day.
My stomach feels a little queasy. Gonna hit the john. Next chapter will be Alejandro, Heather and Justin! Until then, read and review! Schuck it hard!
