Damon had been partly joking when he used the phrase 'girl problems', but damn. Even without compelling him, Dan had opened up like Damon was his psychiatrist or something. He wanted desperately to make fun of this Dan Humphrey, but that almost seemed to be too easy. Or, and how could he be thinking this, too mean.
"Hey…umm, shut up," Damon eventually said. Dan looked at him with an almost snubbed facial expression. "Seriously, shut up."
"Did I say something to offend you?" Dan asked.
"No. You've just been talking for about an hour straight without taking a breath. Either your life really does suck that much or you have the greatest imagination ever." Damon pointed out, relishing the sound of his own voice.
"It sucks that much." Dan answered.
"Tell me why." Damon asked.
"I thought I just did." Dan said, looking a little perplexed.
Damon grinned as his eyes did that little trick he so loved. "Really tell me why."
"Because I'm alone. Again. Like always" Dan answered.
Damon was, for once, caught off-guard. He was expecting something much less…relatable. Out of pity, he released Dan from his control. He hated when humans made him feel bad. It was so depressing. This was awkward because it might lead to empathy. He knew that he should just wipe whatever memories had formed and walk away, but dammit, Humphrey was so sadly fascinating.
"So, the blonde bitch runs off on a new project every day, right?" Damon asked.
"Yes." Dan answered, not bothering to correct the slur against Serena.
"Did she really date an ex-con?"
"Yes," Dan nodded, eye twitching slightly. "Then she got mad at me because I was being, as she said, territorial."
"What a bitch." Damon laughed, taking a sip of his wine.
"Basically." Dan said.
"And the girl you now think you love, has dumped an actual Royal for the guy that seems to live to treat her like crap?" Damon asked, smirking. He did feel a little bad for Dan, but not enough to totally refrain from mocking him.
"Apparently." Was Dan's terse reply. Damon happily raised his eyebrows, enjoying Dan's grimace ever so slightly.
"Cheer up, Hemmingway. I'm sure one of them will come crawling back. Maybe."
"Why only maybe?" Dan asked.
"Because you, and the rest of your friends, appear to be whiney little bitches," Damon said, sounding both accurate and confident. Dan shot him a harsh glare. Damon could easily snap his neck, but this was way too much fun. "Relax. It wasn't an insult. Just more of an observation."
"Are you a bastard to all strangers you meet, or just me?" Dan asked.
"Mostly all, but you're a really easy target at the moment." Damon answered, figuring that would finally drive him away.
It didn't. This Dan Humphrey was tough.
"I guess I am." Dan said, nodding more to himself than anyone else.
"You need to write another book," Was Damon's advice.
"Why would I do that?"
"Get all the depression out of your system. That'd be good for you."
Dan blinked once or twice. "I don't even know your last name, and you're giving me literary advice."
"I'm just trying to be helpful. And it's Salvatore."
"…That's a remarkably book-friendly last name." Dan complimented.
"Thank you." Said Damon, humorously raising his eyebrows up and down for effect. He loved sincere compliments about how awesome his name was.
"What's your grand book idea?"
"Hmm," Damon pondered, batting at his own lengthy hair. "You need some serious stress relief. Take all those terribly bitchy characters that have driven you so very close to alcoholism, put them in one story, and kill them."
"Huh?" Was all Dan could muster.
"You heard me. Kill 'em all. In a book, that is." Damon explained, unleashing a smirk that was enough to instantly intrigue and freak Dan out.
"That's kind of juvenile." Dan meekly deflected
"So are they," Damon answered. "Well, from what you've told me." He knew how suspicious that had sounded.
"I guess," Dan nodded. "It just seems way too gore-porn for me."
"You've only written one book. Stop being so stuck up." Damon almost ordered. "It's not like you're going to be around them that much. You might as well give them a bloody sendoff."
"You think?"
"What do you have to lose?" Damon asked, his smirk dripping snark.
"How does one find inspiration for writing up the gruesome murders of a few people he once considered friends?" Dan asked.
"I'm sure something will come along that will get your creative juices flowing." Damon said, wanting for all the world to show Dan his fangs.
