Often miserable was something Mary was not. Edith sure, but one never associated the word 'miserable' with Mary Crawley.
Every time she went to a meal, or sat in the front parlor for drinks after dinner, or when her grandmother asked for tea, she could feel William's eyes everywhere. They followed her to the fair and whenever Cousin Matthew spoke to her.
He would catch her staring once in a while, and then they would both look away, intense blushes threatening to surface.
"Mary dear, is there something wrong?" Robert inquired over dinner. He had been astonished at Mary's pale complexion and the dress she had chosen. Black, even though Cora has assured him that Anna had done everything to try and talk her out of it. Mary tentatively raised her head.
"No nothings wrong, why would you say that?" She answered rather unconvincingly, her eyes involuntarily flicked over to where William was standing at attention. Robert raised an eyebrow, "I'm just a little tired that's all." Friends my ass.
"Remember you have a picnic lunch with Cousin Matthew tomorrow," Cora chimed in sipping her red wine.
"Don't remind me," Mary muttered, lowering her head. That night before bed she took a long time in choosing her outfit, something that made her look truly hideous. Finally she decided on brown, nobody looked good in brown.
But Matthew evidently thought she did. He had already laid out the picnic when she arrived.
"Oh Matthew, how lovely," she said clenching her teeth in what looked more like a grimace than a smile. Mary looked at the sky: clouds were starting to roll in. Maybe it would start raining and they would have to abandon the picnic.
"I hoped you'd like it," He said smiling. Mary sat down on the blanket as Matthew offered her a sandwich. She gingerly took one and held a plate as she nibbled on it; to her surprise she actually enjoyed it. Matthew studied her, his head slightly cocked to one side. Mary swallowed; she wouldn't let Matthew see that she was actually fond of a piece of his carefully planned picnic.
"So, er, how are things going at the office?" Mary asked, the sooner this nightmare was over the better. Matthew grinned at her.
"Oh everything is wonderful, thank you for asking! We just got a very interesting case this morning, similar to the dispute over the…" Mary blocked him out. She couldn't stand to hear lawyers talk. They were all about the law and whatnot. Mary knew she sounded petty and spoiled but really. And he wasn't even an exciting lawyer; one who dealt with robbers and murderers, he worked for a some industrial company for God's sake! "…What do you think about it Mary, dear?" She flinched at the word 'dear' but he didn't seem to notice.
"Oh I'm terribly sorry, but you see I just don't seem to understand all that lawyer talk." She hoped that this would pass as an expectable answer, seeing as she had no idea what he had been jabbering on about. Mary knew that she shouldn't dumb herself down for anyone, least of all Matthew, but under the circumstances…
"I apologize. It is rather boring isn't it?" He smiled. Damn, "What do you want to talk about?" Mary shrugged, Matthew's smile faltered, "Um, have you read any good books lately?" Mary's eyes lit up. He had inadvertently given her an opportunity to talk about William. William.
"Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm currently reading Oliver Twist. Have you read it?" Matthew nodded.
"I have, I read it when I was a boy." Mary smiled politely.
"It's really quite lovely, I think. William recommended it to me on Tuesday and I've just devoured it." She smiled at her choice of words. Matthew's jaw dropped.
"William? Do you mean the footman William?" She nodded.
"Yes, what other William lives in our house?" Matthew visibly paled, but smiled and nodded anyway. Mary grimaced. Damn. What was she supposed to talk about now, "My favorite part is when Oliver gets shot and then ends up in the care of the people he was supposed to steal from. Ironic isn't it?" Matthew nodded.
"Yes I suppose it is." He looked at her quizzically, "Sorry, did you say William, Lady Mary?" Mary almost rolled her eyes. That question was too easy to get out of.
"Just Mary please, Lady Mary makes me sound like a mother." She smiled as much as she could muster at the time being. Matthew chuckled.
"Ah, yes… just Mary." Suddenly Mary felt a raindrop splash on her cheek. She looked up and the sky and couldn't contain the joy on her face. It was raining, "Dear me! It's raining. Mary, dear, do you think you could help me pack up some things so we can get beck to the house. I would hate for you to get wet."
As he said this there was a great clap of thunder and the heavens opened. Rain poured down onto the two of them as they ran to Downton. Mary had pulled up her long skirt so it came to her mid calves and she had decided to take off her shoes back at the tree and she was currently holding them in one hand. She laughed as she jumped in every puddle she saw; she hadn't felt so relaxed since she was a child. Matthew and Mary made it to the door both of them soaked through to the bone. Mary looked at Matthew, his hair in his eyes and tied crooked. His white shirt was almost see through and his shoes were most probably ruined. She couldn't contain her giggles.
"What's so funny?" he asked the smile evident in his voice. Mary continued laughing. "Tell me!"
"Your just… so wet!"
"Well you aren't dry either!" He laughed then, and Mary thought maybe he wasn't so bad, maybe she could stand being alone with him a little longer. Maybe she might even enjoy his company one day. Just as Mary was beginning to get her jumbled thoughts about him straitened out, Matthew complicated things again.
He kissed her.
Mary's mind instantly went back to working at a million miles an hour. His lips were cold and wet from the rain, his fingers equally so. She just stood there, like a statue, until he pulled away.
"I'm sorry…" he mumbled and looked down at his feet. Mary was suddenly reminded of William in the library. She choked back a sob, which snapped Matthew's attention back to her.
"Oh Matthew!" She said, then she opened the door and ran as fast as she could to the upstairs parlor, which nobody used anymore. Mary sat down on a bright blue cushioned chair and sobbed, her dress and hair creating a pool of water on the carpet.
That's were William found her.
"Lady Mary?" William could not believe his eyes. After two days of carefully avoiding her, he had to walk in on her sobbing. Lady Mary whirled around to face him and he noticed that she was drenched from head to toe, "Are you crying?" This only made her sob harder into her hands as William stood awkwardly by the door. After a few minutes she started to calm down.
"You must think I'm such a baby." Her voice was thick with tears, "I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm crying over stupid Matthew!" She tried desperately to wipe away her tears.
"It's good to cry sometimes." William responded. Lady Mary looked down at her hands.
"My parents are trying to push me into marrying him. I mean me, marrying Matthew? The very idea is simply preposterous! We are so different we would be at each other's throats all the time. It would never work. And nobody seems to see that. Matthew just thought that our little picnic went great, which it did not, and kissed me afterwards. Matthew of all people, kissing me! The person who wants absolutely nothing to do with him!" William blushed but Lady Mary took no notice and went on with her raving, "He does not seem to understand that I not only dislike him, I despise him! I don't ever want to share a life with him, nor anything else for that matter. He's a Crawley for Christ's sake, we're related!" William fidgeted in his place and suddenly found his polished shoes very interesting. Mary turned around her hair sticking to her neck and shoulders.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to become hysterical, or to pour all of my petty problems on you." Lady Mary struggled to smile as her tears continued to cascade down her face.
"It's fine…" He felt like he was going to vomit at her words, she sounded so lost. How could someone so beautiful be so sad? Suddenly a strange look came over her face.
"William?" He met her eyes, "Have you ever been in love?" The question caught him off guard and his eyes widened.
"I can't say that I have m'lady." Her eyes darkened. William fidgeted, he didn't think that it was in anger.
"I think I am." Lady Mary cocked her head and looked at him. "I can't stop thinking about this one person… And it's certainly not Matthew!" She scoffed and continued, "He's consuming all my thoughts and every time I see him I get goose flesh!" She stamped her foot like an angry child. Then she looked mortified, "Oh goodness, I'm terribly sorry!" Her bottom lip quivered as she ran out of the room.
"Lady Mary…!" He called half-heartedly. She wheeled around a storm brewing in her eyes. William gulped as he sensed one of Lady Mary's famous mood swings directed at him.
"What!" He practically yelled, fists balled. William took a calming breath to keep his voice from quaking too much.
"Maybe next time you should tell him how you feel?" William's voice was barely over a whisper, hoping to God she wouldn't strike him. To his surprise she looked flabbergasted, but the fire from her eyes (that was still directed at him) had not diminished.
"Thank you William, I just might do that." And before he knew it she was gone, disappearing around the corner.
William still felt like vomiting. Her ranting and raving made butterflies grow in his stomach and when they all flapped their wings at once it made him queasy. But she said she was in love you idiot! William rubbed his temple as he walked down the corridor. She would never like him. Not in a thousand years. She was in love with someone else, probably Mr. Napier or it was probably Thomas- it would end like that for William. Thomas always won in the end, no matter what the hell happened.
He thought this over. Maybe it was just the panic talking; Lady Mary would never fall in love with Thomas, after all Thomas was a footman and she was a lady. But thinking this made his shoulders hunch more and his heart ache. He was a footman as well. Matthew was an heir to a vast fortune and what did he have? Well, he had found a shilling in his pocket earlier…
William laughed dryly at his attempt at humor. He didn't know when he had fallen for Lady Mary, but it had been sometime between from when her lips first touched his and a moment ago. William opened one of the many doors to the servant's stairwell and bumped into Daisy.
Daisy.
A week ago he had been infatuated with her but now he looked at her as he would Gwen or Anna. Let her be stuck on Thomas, it'll never amount to anything. He thought.
"Hullo, William." Her slightly crooked teeth shown and her lips pulled back into a smile made William thought of Lady Mary's strait teeth.
"Oh, Daisy, I didn't see you there." William said lightly, trying to edge around her. Her smile deterred a little but came back just as quickly, "Guess I'll see you around?" William encouraged after she didn't respond.
"Yes, yes." She answered as he turned away. William hadn't noticed that her right ear had turned red and that her pupils had dilated when he had smiled.
"Dammit William!" Mary cursed under her breath, "'Tell him how you feel?' I was telling you!" Mary held her head in her hands as she sat at her vanity staring at the clock in the mirror. It was almost time for dinner and she did not want to go downstairs. She did not want to sit at a table with a man who had invaded her personal space without permission and the man with whom she was almost certain she was in love with (all though Mary had never been in love so couldn't be sure) was serving her dinner.
Mary slammed down her brush. "Damn!" she cursed again.
"Mary! Mary!" She groaned. The last person she wanted to deal with was Sybil, who was always too optimistic about everything, "What are you wearing. Mama says you can't wear black." Sybil opened the door to Mary's bedroom, beaming like always, and looking stunning… like always.
"I haven't decided. Would you like to pick for me?" Mary tried to smile, but she was sure she looked like a gargoyle. Sybil bought it though.
"I would love to. Last time you let me pick out your dress I was six!" Mary truly smiled then, Sybil was so innocent and naïve, it was almost amusing. Sybil raced to the wardrobe and through open the doors, rummaging through the endless amounts of dresses, coats, and other miscellaneous pieces of clothing. When Mary was sure Sybil was distracted, she turned to look at the mirror again. The dark circles and blotchy face would have to be covered somehow. As Mary set to work on her makeup, Sybil took out a dress from the wardrobe and showed it to her.
"Well?" Sybil asked, excitement bubbling up within her. Mary looked the dress up and down. It was orange with long, tight sleeves a scoop neck, and a long skirt that pooled around her ankles. Over this was a blue billowy over-dress. With long flared sleeves and a skirt which would reach up to the top of her ankles. The scoop neck met up perfectly with the one of the orange dress. Mary stared.
"I can't believe I forgot about this dress! I received it for my seventeenth birthday."
"Well put it on then!" Sybil giggled, putting the dress on the bed, "I'm going to go get Edith. It's going to look so beautiful on you." She added as she left. Mary smiled, Oh Sybil.
Mary slipped off her robe and carefully pulled the dress over her head. She instantly felt better when she looked at herself in the mirror. She'd forgotten how good she looked in blue.
Mary was applying the last of her makeup when Sybil came back with Edith trailing behind her.
"Oh Mary! Don't you look just lovely! Doesn't she Edith?" Sybil gushed signaling for Mary to spin around. Edith looked highly uncomfortable.
"Yes, I suppose she does," was all she said. Mary smiled; nothing could break her good mood. Not even Edith.
"Thank you Edith, Sybil. You both look fantastic as well." Mary sat down and could see their shocked reflections in the vanity mirror. Mary never talked like that. After a few quiet moments Edith asked her, "Mary are you feeling well?"
"Yes, why would I be?"
"It was probably the outing with Matthew. Do tell us about it Mary." Sybil smiled widely, and Edith wilted a little.
"I'll have you know, it is not Matthew who has put me in a good mood. It is simply the fact that I have a nice dress to wear." Sybil laughed and Edith perked a bit.
"But Mary what did happen with Matthew? Won't you tell us?" Sybil questioned.
"Nothing happened. I was actually a little bored to be honest." Mary stated dabbing perfume behind her ears.
"Bored? How could you be bored with Matthew?" Edith asked, obviously offended. Mary shrugged.
"I was." Edith glowered at Mary through the mirror, but Mary only laughed airily, "Don't be so glum Edith. Sit next to him at dinner, talk to him about churches, family, being a lawyer, anything." Edith looked a little shocked but swallowed her anger and nodded, tracing the groves in one of the four posts of Mary's elaborate bed.
"Don't hurt his feelings, Mary," Sybil warned, always thinking about everyone's feelings. Mary laughed, her mind already off Matthew, and trained on William in his stiffly starched uniform. He just stood there the entire dinner, practically ordering her to look at him in his- fitted- uniform…
"Are you even interested in Matthew?" The question floated to Mary through the haze of her daydream.
"Um, no," she said and winced inwardly at how matter-of-fact it sounded.
"Oh," Edith said, obviously taken quite aback, "Well you wouldn't mind if I… talked to him would you?" Edith fidgeted with her dress and gloves.
"Why would I? Do what ever you like. You have to start somewhere."
"Ah yes." Edith looked down. Mary spun in her chair.
"Edith do tell me what's wrong, and don't look so sour." Edith sent her a glare that rivaled the look that Miss O'Brien wore most days.
"You… you don't even like Matthew." Her voice was quiet but accusing. Edith's bitterness startled Mary. Hadn't Edith been listening to anything she had been saying?
"I know- I have been saying that."
"But you've been leading him on!" Edith cried, standing.
"I most certainly haven't!" But Edith's comment struck her more deeply than she let on. Have I been leading him on? Is that why he kissed me?
"…Right," Edith rolled her eyes.
William had a headache and requested to retire early that night. Unfortunately Mr. Carson said that he needed William that night and if the headache wasn't that bad William needed to work. William almost mentioned that it got worse if he was around Mary, but decided that that was not a valid argument
"So… are you feeling better?" Anna laid a soft hand on his shoulder in worry.
"Much better." He answered- not fully convincing himself. Anna gave him a knowing look.
"The faster you get it over with the better for your "headache."" Anna left him at the staff table with his hands gripping the sides so hard that his knuckles were white. Just get it over with. You're being silly. Stop worrying you baby!
William exhaled shakily and lifted a tray laden with foods of all kinds. Usually they made his stomach churn with hunger, but tonight his stomach dropped at the sight. Just walk in calmly, don't trip and then standing against a wall- nothing to it. William squared his shoulders and as steadily as he could, carried the tray upstairs to set it on the sideboard.
The table was impeccably set and the gold-rimmed glasses glistened when the light from the chandelier caught them. It was so beautiful and yet so sickening at the same time. William set the tray of tomatoes and basil and bread dipped in vinaigrette on the sideboard next to the meat of some-sort. William breathed out a sigh or relief and took his place opposite Thomas.
The Dowager Countess came in first, griping about something to Lady Grantham. Lady Isobel came in, arm in arm with her son who was smiling- but it was forced anyone could see that. Lord Grantham was patting Edith's hand who was listening intently to Sybil's happy rambling. Her father was nodding politely, while Sybil talked about some rally or another. Once they had chosen their seats William realized that Matthew had been boxed in by Edith and his mother- Mary would not be on his left tonight. William allowed himself as self-indulgent smirk grace his lips. It quickly disappeared when Mary finally entered.
She was dressed in blue and orange, her hair done up on her head curls falling loosely around her neck. She had attempted to cover the bags under her eyes- but William thought she looked even more exotic with them. She was easily the most beautiful woman in the room. Matthew was looking at her timidly a blush crossing his cheeks. Mary, however, looked at him- her brown eyes questioning, but her chin held high.
William smiled back, and she blushed- rather deeply.
A thrill coursed through his body. I did that. He thought rather proudly. She blushed. The thought made him very happy.
Mary went to sit down and William followed her with his eyes- watching as she glided gracefully across the marble. When she had finally taken her seat, William looked up and caught Matthew's eyes. For a moment both men looked at each other, equally startled. Finally William looked away but he could still feel Matthew's eyes and it made him severely uncomfortable.
Conversation at dinner flowed rather nicely- Lady Isobel and the Dowager Countess were finally talking about something they both enjoyed- flowers, and even though Matthew and Mary weren't even looking at each other, Lady Edith was simply delighted to be in Matthew's company. Matthew even looked like he was making a effort with her.
Once everyone was finished with dessert, Thomas went to clear the plates as William rounded up the glasses. Thomas and Mr. Carson were both out of the room while he sorted the silverware into separate piles, an easier way to carry them downstairs. He barely noticed the door opening a crack and someone slipping inside.
William's heart almost stopped when a pair of orange and blue clad arms slipped around his waist from behind.
"…Mary!" he yelped and he could hear her giggle. She slipped her hand into his jacket pocket and when she took her hand out- her fingers lingered longer than they needed to- William could feel a crumpled piece of paper resting against the fabric.
"Read it," she said giving him one more squeeze. She was gone before William could process what had happened.
Before William could drop his hand into his pocket Thomas entered the room and seeing William's far off look, he scoffed. William blushed and quickly cleaned the table.
Downstairs Anna gave him a worried look and then invited him to sit with her. William thought he mumbled something along the lines of "I'm tired" or "Later" but honestly couldn't remember. Anna raised an eyebrow, pursed her lips and exchanged a look with Mr. Bates who just shrugged.
William darted to his room and closed the door- breathing heavily. Leaning against the doorframe he shoved his hand into his right pocket and roughly pulled out the paper. It had been crumpled and William was careful opening it, should it rip. In Mary's neat handwriting, she had written:
'This is me telling him.'
William slid down the door his knees unable to hold him any more. His brain had ceased to think and he hadn't noticed he had forgotten to breathe until his throat closed painfully. He rushed the pads of his fingers over the black ink and grinned stupidly. William thought over and over:
It wasn't Thomas. It's me.
