Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, lyrics to A Rocket To The Moon (even if I give credit for the song to someone else). :) Additional songs belong to their respective creators.
Chapter 2 – I'm a Sucker for that Feeling
"Why did you tell him you were my boyfriend, Felix?" I asked, pulling into the parking lot of my apartment complex. My hands were still shaking as I pulled the key from the ignition.
"Why does it bother you so much?" he asked, suddenly defensive. "Are you trying to see other people?"
I gritted my teeth. "I told you when you first asked me out, I'm not looking for anything serious right now. It's not like I'm dating around, but we've only been casually going out for two months. You're not my boyfriend." I got out of the car and started walking toward my building. "We haven't even had sex, for crying out loud."
"Not for lack of trying on my part," he grumbled. I narrowed my eyes at him, causing him to change the subject. "Who was he, anyway?"
None of your goddamn business, I thought. "He's an old friend," I partially lied. "We've known each other since high school."
"Then why haven't I met him before? I met all of your other friends."
"He's been away at medical school. He just came back to Forks." Saying it out loud hurt worse than thinking it. I always assumed he'd want to stay in Baltimore after I let him go. He was so much bigger than Forks.
I stopped on the sidewalk, suddenly overwhelmed. "You should go home, Felix. I'm not feeling very good and I'm not completely happy with you right now."
"Babe," he said, making me cringe. I hated the way he called me that. He reached out and gently wrapped his hands around my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I just really want to be with you. Why don't we just take a deep breath, then we'll go upstairs and watch a movie. We can sit back, relax, drink a beer. It'll be great." He paused, but before I could respond he added, "As long as you don't put in any of those movies you talk and cry through. That shit's distracting."
I rolled my eyes. "Maybe another time. I just really want to be alone right now."
He sighed, obviously aggravated but not wanting to push his luck. "Okay, Babe. Give me a call tomorrow?" I nodded, then turned my face when he moved in to kiss me goodnight. He settled for my cheek and walked away.
I dragged myself upstairs. Once I was in the apartment I took off my shoes and walked straight for the entertainment center. I searched through my movies until I found the box for Love Actually and put it in the DVD player. Grabbing the throw blanket from my Dad's house, I curled up on the couch and allowed myself to wallow in thoughts of him as Hugh Grant's voice began its narration.
.:*:.
Even though he's watched this with me a hundred times, I still pull on his sleeve. "Edward, look! Look!"
He chuckles, pulling me into his side. "I'm watching, Bella." He always lets me watch my favorite movies.
"This is where she realizes he's bought the necklace for another woman," I whisper, fully aware that he knows what's going on. I can't help it. This is what I do. "Oh, God, poor Karen." I'm curled up in a ball as I watch Emma Thompson try to leave the room before she starts crying.
Joni Mitchell begins to play and I can feel the tears welling up. As the first one rolls down my cheek he tightens his arms around my shoulder, holding me as I cry. I sniffle through the next few scenes, gaining my composure, when finally Colin Firth is walking through the streets of Portugal, searching for Lúcia Moniz.
"Watch! Everyone quiets down to listen to Jamie speak bad Portuguese!" I grin, looking into Edward's happy green eyes. He just smiles, turning to watch the movie again. How he can stand to listen to me tell him all of my favorite parts like a running commentary, I'll never know. Especially when I've seen it a million times.
"I love you," I say, pulling his attention away from the movie. He shuts his eyes as I put my palm to his face. "Forever."
"And I love you," he replies. "I always will."
.:*:.
I cried even harder than usual as Emma Thompson sagged to the bed. Of course he doesn't love me anymore. Why would he? I broke his heart because I was thoughtless. Because I thought I knew better.
Because I knew he could do better.
I couldn't bear to watch anymore of the movie, so I turned it off and shuffled to my bed, collapsing fully clothed on top of the sheets. That just made me cry harder, knowing that this used to be our bed. We had slept in it together every night, made love on it as often as we could. And now I was alone with just my memories of him.
.:*:.
I leaned against our usual pool table, taking a pull from my beer. Emmett was racking the balls while Rosalie fiddled with the jukebox across the room.
This was our usual Saturday night ritual: beer, pool, and bad music at the bar on the southern edge of town. We'd done this almost every week since I moved back from Seattle after graduation four years ago, though then it had just been Emmett, Rose, Edward and me.
I winced a little when I thought about how he used to be a part of our gatherings whenever he was home from school. I'd been wondering all day if he'd be here tonight. That could be the reason why I'd been drinking at an increased rate.
I desperately wanted to ask if he was coming, but Emmett seemed to be distracted, drifting in and out of conversation with me without actually paying attention. Rosalie, on the other hand, hadn't said a word to me all night. I had no idea what was going on, but I hoped they weren't fighting. That would involve a nuclear blow out once they had too much to drink, and I wasn't particularly interested in cleaning up the fallout. I had enough on my mind as it was.
Alice and Jasper walked in, heading in our direction. I couldn't tell if I was relieved or saddened by the fact that Edward wasn't with them. I waved as they got closer. Jasper smiled, heading toward the bar, while Alice gave me a small nod before moving to Rosalie's side. They started talking animatedly and pointing at the music catalog.
That was weird.
I sighed, moving to the pool cue rack on the wall. I lifted a stick, weighing it in my hand before putting it back and grabbing a different one. "Am I breaking, Em?" I asked, not bothering to turn around.
A different voice answered. "Does that mean you've learned how?"
I dropped the stick in shock. I spun on my heel, almost losing my balance in my hurry to confirm that it was actually him and not my imagination. Edward smiled, leaning over to pick up the fallen cue. He looked amazing in a pair of dark-wash jeans and a tight fitting black shirt.
"You came," I whispered, the words coming out of my mouth without my permission.
He raised an eyebrow at me, handing me back the stick. "What?"
"Nothing," I said quickly, feeling the blush come to my cheeks. I grabbed the cue tightly and looked at the floor. "I still can't break properly, but that doesn't stop me from trying."
I turned toward the end of the table to avoid his stare and tried to line up the break. I almost scratched the felt when I pushed the cue and my feeble attempt at a break barely moved the balls.
Emmett laughed loudly from behind me. "Good thing you play better than you break, Bells."
"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, handing him the stick. "Laugh it up. We'll see who comes out on top tonight."
"That's what she said," he laughed again. I rolled my eyes, going back to leaning against the table.
Edward came to stand beside me as Alice and Rose made their way back to the group. I could hear the opening beats of Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5 settle over the bar.
I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away
"How's it going at the school?" he asked, staring out over the other tables.
I took a swallow of my beer, trying to ignore the lyrics. "Good," I replied. "They're giving me an honors English class next year."
He smiled, causing my pulse to race. "That's great. I'm really happy for you."
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
"Thanks," I said weakly. I cleared my throat and took another gulp from the bottle in my hand. "And you? How's the hospital?"
"Amazing. I was really fortunate that they let me do my residency there."
"It helps when your dad is Carlisle Cullen."
He smirked, looking at me from the corner of his eye. "Yes, well, it also makes it much more difficult, trying to live up to his reputation."
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking, "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that
"Bella," Rose said, surprising me by finally speaking. I looked over to see she was leaning over the table to make a shot. "Why didn't you bring Felix with you tonight?"
I felt Edward tense up next to me as I furrowed my brow. I watched as she hit the five-ball into a corner pocket. "I never bring him here. Why would've I tonight?" I reached out and took the cue from her, eyeing the balls to see if I had any shots, eagerly trying to ignore the sudden tension around our group.
Of all the things I've felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh
She waited to speak until I was making my shot. "Well, I figured that, since he's your boyfriend and all, you'd want to bring him along now."
This time I did scratch the felt, missing the cue ball completely. I looked up to see her staring at me. Everyone was watching us intently, except for Edward. He continued to look out over the bar, his jaw clenched tight.
I passed the stick to Emmett, staring at the hole I'd made in the fabric. "This is the time I spend with you guys . . ."
"Well," she sighed, sounding aggravated, "if he's going to be around for a while, I think we should probably get to know him better."
I finished my beer, trying to avoid their stares. "We haven't really been dating that long."
The song changed on the jukebox and Katy Perry's voice came through the speakers:
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
"This isn't his type of scene, anyway, huh?" she replied. "I mean, he's probably more into the fancy bar thing, right? Being a lawyer and all, I doubt he's really into hanging at the local bar and playing pool with us small-town folk."
'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
"I—I don't know," I stammered. "I need another beer."
I pushed away from the table quickly, not wanting to give Rosalie the chance to ask another question. I was on the verge of hyperventilating by the time I reached the bar, waving the empty bottle at the bartender.
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself
I put my hands over my ears, trying to block out the song. When I saw the fresh bottle set in front of me, I reached into my back pocket to grab my cash.
"I've got it," Edward said, suddenly appearing beside me and handing the bartender a ten. "I'll take one, too."
"Oh, Edward, you don't have to—"
He put up his hand to get me to stop. "Don't worry about it. I want to."
"Thank you," I whispered. I took a deep pull from the bottle, needing the reinforcement the alcohol provided.
We sat quietly for a few minutes, neither one of us wanting to speak first. I looked back at our friends, watching as Emmett spoke sternly to Rosalie. She shook her head, saying something in response. "What the fuck is going on tonight?" I muttered to myself.
"I have no idea," Edward replied.
I was relieved when the chords of Closing Time by Semisonic started up from the jukebox. "I remember when you learned to play this song," I said to him.
Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
"It was one of your favorites," he said quietly.
"Have you learned anything new lately?" I turned to face him, hoping we could get past the strained energy that surrounded us.
"I haven't played in a long time," he replied, still watching our friends.
"What?" I asked, stunned. "What do you mean? You love to play!"
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
He pushed away from the bar, finally meeting my eyes. "It's not the same." He stepped forward, heading back to the pool table.
I stood in shock for a few minutes, watching as he started conversation with Jasper. I moved toward them, slowly going numb from all of the different thoughts and emotions whirling through my mind. I had almost made it back to the group when the familiar sounds of an electric guitar filled the bar.
I stopped in my tracks, my half-full beer bottle falling from my hands and crashing to the ground, liquid splashing my legs. I heard people cheering and clapping at the noise I'd made, but my eyes flew to Edward. He went rigid as the lyrics started.
I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain
It was finally too much to deal with.
I felt the tears begin to fill my eyes. As he started to turn around, the only thought in my mind was that I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I flew to the door, shoving past it and into the misty night air. I ran around the corner of the building and stopped, putting my head against the faded clapboard siding. Tears spilled down my cheeks as my mind flooded with memories. I beat my palms against the building as sobs tore through my chest, trying to stop them from coming, but it was useless.
.:*:.
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," he sings, pressing the last few notes on the keyboard.
I clap enthusiastically beside him on the bench. "Edward, that was wonderful! I can't believe you always do that."
"Do what?" he smiles innocently.
I push his arm playfully. "Learn to play and sing to all my music."
"Well, I've got another one I think you'll love." He winks at me before going to grab his electric guitar. He plugs it into the amp, strumming a few chords to make sure it's tuned. "You ready?"
"Yes," I reply anxiously, biting my lip. I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what he'll do.
He sits on his stool as he starts to play and the familiar notes reach my ears. I gasp, "Edward!"
He grins, then starts the opening verse in a sultry voice. Honestly, I'm on the verge of swooning. He knows how much I love Prince.
I get up as he gets to the chorus and he keeps singing as I dance, moving my hips slowly to the melody.
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you bathing in the purple rain
He plays the whole song as I move around the room. When he finishes, I give one final twirl to the fading chords before collapsing to the floor in a fit of giggles.
He puts the guitar back on its stand and moves to sit beside me on the floor. "Did you like it?"
"I loved it, Edward," I smile. "You're amazing, do you know that?"
"Only for you, love."
.:*:.
I was crying so hard that I didn't hear the footsteps come up behind me. "Bella."
The way my name sounded coming from his mouth caused a strangled noise to escape my throat. "I'm sorry, Edward."
He didn't respond, just leaned next to me on the wall. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around me, for him to comfort me, but he made no move to do it.
I didn't deserve his pity.
He let me cry, staying silent as I tried to calm down. Finally, I looked up to see him watching me with cold, pained eyes. "It was never meant to be this way, Edward," I whispered.
"Really, Bella?" he replied, his voice completely void of emotion. "Exactly how was it supposed to be?"
"Not like this," I choked out. "You were supposed to be happy. You were supposed to move on and go on to better things. You weren't supposed to come back."
"I see," he said, his voice still empty. "I'm sorry I interfered with your progress."
"No!" I cried. "This has nothing to do with me. I didn't do this for me, I did it for you! You were meant for better things, Edward. I was only holding you back."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"I could hear it in your voice when you'd call, Edward. You weren't happy. You were trapped with me out of loyalty, and I couldn't let you waste your life in Forks when you could go out and do amazing things."
"That wasn't your decision to make." His eyes narrowed. "But you're right about one thing: I wasn't happy."
I gasped in pain, hearing his confirmation. "I knew it," I whispered, pressing my forehead against the building again.
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up to face him. "I wasn't happy because I missed you. I was miserable because you were three thousand miles away from me! I was tired because I was busting my ass to get back to you, frustrated because I couldn't hold you every night like I had when we lived together in Seattle."
I just shook my head, refusing to believe the things he said. He gave me a little shake. "Don't think for one second that I felt trapped. You were my life, Bella, and everything I did was for the future that I wanted with you."
"You'll change your mind," I said weakly. "You'll find someone else."
"Like you did?" he spat. I cringed in response. "I know love, Bella. True love. Nobody will ever be able to make me feel for them what I felt for you." He moved his hand to his hair, gripping painfully. "Only you, Bella. I'm a sucker for that feeling."
"It happens all the time, Edward," I said, no longer able to look him in the eye.
"Yet I always end up feeling cheated," he replied crossly. "Why can't you understand? Every day, every night, you were on my mind, love. I needed you."
I closed my eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. "Felix is just—"
"Oh, sorry," he sneered, "I know I'm not needed."
"That's not what I meant!" I cried. "You don't understand!"
"Damn it, Bella! We should have worked it out together. Instead you left me and wallowed, like this could have possibly hurt you more than it hurt me. I let them all believe that I was okay so you wouldn't look like the bad guy! My own family assumed that I deserted you instead of the other way around!"
The tears started to fall again. "I'm so sorry, Edward."
"Then admit the truth!" he yelled. "You got scared. Everybody gets scared, and that happens all the time, love. I understand. But that was no reason to run away. I promised you that I would never hurt you, Bella. Why didn't you just talk to me?"
I couldn't respond other than to cry harder.
A/N: Just one more chapter to go. Watch for it on Tuesday.
Link to the song is in my profile.
