IMPORTANT STUFF REMINDERS: First and foremost, if you recognize it, I don't own it. Second, this is written from Beckett's POV. Third, there are a lot of flashbacks in this story. If it's in italics, it's a flashback.
Again, a huge thank you to IMW for taking my rough draft of this chapter and helping to sculpt it into something so much better. And to the rest of the crew over at the Robot place, thanks for the encouragement. Educate, I'm still willing to trade chapters.
"I was afraid you wouldn't answer," Castle said by way of greeting – a lightness in his voice that caught me by surprise.
"I seriously considered it," I admitted.
"I just wanted to give you a heads-up that there's a courier en route to your apartment," he replied.
"A courier?" I asked. "For what?"
The doorbell rang then and I started to get to my feet but Lanie waved me off, indicating that she would get the door.
"There was a package waiting for me when I got home this afternoon," Castle continued. "As soon as I saw what was inside, I called for a service to deliver it to you. I wanted to bring it myself…I would have brought it myself…I just…I didn't think it was a good idea…you know…after this afternoon."
Before I could comment on the hesitancy evident in his voice, Lanie returned with a package in her hand. I shifted my phone to take it from her and sat it on my lap.
"It looks like your package just arrived," I said as I opened the box. I peered inside and my breath caught in my throat when I saw a bound copy of "Naked Heat" staring up at me. The book wasn't scheduled to be released for another month, so I knew this was one of Castle's advanced copies that I was looking at. I lifted the book from the box and opened the cover, my eyes immediately drawn to the hand scrawled note on the inside.
"To my Bex,
I make no promises on the fork, but I will always bring the cheesecake.
Yours,
Rick"
I flipped to the dedication page and read the words he'd refused to share with me before the book went to press.
"For KB, here's to pulling pigtails."
I bit my lip in an effort to get my emotions under control. It was nearly a full minute before I could speak.
"Thank you, Rick," I finally got out, the enormity of his gift calling for the use of his given name.
"You're welcome, Kate," he replied, his voice soft on the other end of the line.
He rarely called me Kate. Bex, Beckett, even just Detective, but hardly ever Kate. I pulled my feet under me on the couch and leaned my head back as I closed my eyes.
"Castle, about this afternoon…"
"It was a mistake, Bex," he interrupted me. "I know we were just bleeding off emotions after a stressful case and let things get out of control; that it didn't mean anything. But still, it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it happen."
His words felt like a slap across my face and I wondered if that's how I'd made him feel three months ago when I'd told him that kissing him had been a mistake. However, it was the guilt in his voice that brought a lump to my throat. In spite of his playboy image, Castle wasn't the type of guy to cheat. I may have initiated things earlier, but he was in no way an unwilling participant.
I had no idea how to respond. He was right, it shouldn't have happened. I decided to end the conversation before the silence between us became awkward.
"Thank you for the book, Castle."
"You're welcome, Bex," he replied.
"G'night."
"'Night."
I placed my phone and the book on the table before finally looking up to meet Lanie's expectant gaze.
"Well?" she asked.
I let out a deep sigh and then recapped the conversation for her.
"I know that kissing him was a mistake, Lanie. He's got a girlfriend. I know that. I feel horribly guilty for allowing myself to forget that."
"But?" Lanie prodded.
"But I can't deny the fact that I enjoyed it," I admitted as I met her gaze.
"And that's the part that has you spooked?" Lanie asked.
"I'm not spooked," I said as I met her gaze.
"Right…which is exactly why you called me over to help you get drunk," Lanie shot back at me. "Whatever happened between you two this afternoon hit you like a two-by-four across the head and your first instinct was to run."
"I'm not running!"
"But you wanted to," she continued.
I dropped my gaze to my hands.
"As wrong as it was, and in spite of the fact that I know I've put Castle in an incredibly awkward situation, there's a part of me that wants to play 'what if he wasn't in a relationship right now?'. And…yeah, I guess that's the part that has me wanting to run."
I'd already come to terms with the fact that I was in love with Castle. The problem staring me in the face right now was what I was going to do about it, especially since he was still involved with Brenda. I had never in my life gone after someone else's man and I wasn't going to start now.
"It's not like I can just waltz over to his apartment and tell him that I'm in love with him," I said.
"Why the hell not?" Lanie asked.
At my shocked expression, her voice softened.
"Look, Kate. Castle is not an idiot. He knows you. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that he knows you a lot better than you wish he did. He knows that while you might be able to rationalize the first kiss as getting caught up in the assignment, allowing it to happen a second time is completely inexcusable in your mind, especially knowing that he's in a relationship. At least it is without admitting to yourself that you have feelings for him. Maybe confronting this is exactly what you two need to do."
I didn't bother to temper my sarcasm.
"He's involved with Brenda," I told her. "It would be selfish of me to not take that fact into consideration. He deserves better than that. Heck, Brenda deserves better than that. It's not like she didn't give me the opportunity to stake a claim on him."
"Excuse me?"
I shook my head. Loving someone should not be this complicated.
"Yo, Beckett," Esposito called from across the room. "You've got a visitor."
I glanced up from my paperwork to see Brenda Owens making her way towards me. Castle had mentioned that he was giving a guest lecture in her class today and my first thought when I saw her approach was that he'd done something incredibly stupid and I was going to have to apologize for him.
"Ms. Owens," I said as I got to my feet and offered her my hand
"Please, Detective Beckett," she replied as she shook my hand. "It's Brenda."
"Kate," I offered in return. "How may I help you, Brenda?"
Brenda glanced around the room quickly.
"Is there someplace we could talk for a minute?"
"Sure," I agreed. "We can use the conference room."
Once we were in the relative silence of the conference room, I motioned to a chair. "Please, Brenda, have a seat."
"Thank you," she replied as we settled in the high backed leather chairs. "I'm sorry for stopping by unannounced, but I wanted to ask you something and I didn't think a phone call would be right under the circumstances."
"Please tell me that Castle didn't wreak havoc in your classroom today," I said with a grin.
She smiled in return.
"Not at all. In fact, the kids loved having him there. It's not an everyday occurrence to get a published writer in the class, so the kids seized the opportunity to ask questions about not only the writing process, but also how to go about getting an agent and finding a publisher. Rick answered all of their questions and even volunteered additional information on topics he thought were related."
Picturing Castle in a classroom of teenagers brought a smile to my face. I was certain that he probably felt right at home.
"So what can I do for you?" I asked.
Brenda wrung her hands together in what appeared to be nervousness before she finally met my gaze.
"Are you and Rick involved?"
It wasn't what I'd been expecting.
"Excuse me? Did you say involved?" I asked for clarification.
"I know he based Nikki Heat on you and that he's shadowing you as part of his research," Brenda said, her words rushed as if she was afraid she would lose her nerve. "I…well…the press…" She stopped and took a deep breath. "Are you two involved romantically?"
The memories of the kiss we shared at "Club Hot" immediately flashed in my mind; the way his body felt pressed against mine; the smell of his cologne; the firmness of his chest beneath my hands; and the way his lips moved against mine as if they belonged there.
I shook my head to clear the memories and focused my attention on the woman sitting across from me.
"Are you asking me for permission to date Castle?"
Her gaze met mine and she slowly nodded.
"I've never been the woman who goes after someone else's man, Kate," she stated. "If there's something going on between you two, I have no problem walking away. If there isn't though, well…Rick seems like a great guy and I wouldn't mind getting to know him better."
All of a sudden, there was a battle raging inside of me. One part of me wanted to send Brenda Owens packing, telling her to stay far away from Castle. The other part…the part that had told Castle our kiss had been a mistake and he needed to get over it…squelched that thought and insisted that I was not interested in Castle in that way. I met her eyes as I tried to give voice to my thoughts.
"Our relationship is…well, it's complicated, Brenda."
"So you are involved?" she asked, the disappointment evident on her face.
I shook my head and forced myself to continue.
"We're partners, of sorts…and best friends," I explained. "Yes, we spend time together outside of work, but no, we're not dating."
A smile slowly spread across Brenda's face and with it, a sense of dread bloomed in my stomach.
"Thank you, Kate."
Forcing a smile to my face, I got to my feet. "You're welcome, Brenda."
We walked out of the conference room and I headed straight for the break room for a fresh cup of coffee. Vodka sounded better, but I was still at work, so I was going to have to settle for what was available.
"To be honest, I expected Castle to show up the next day looking like the cat that ate the canary," I admitted. "But he didn't. In fact, he didn't even mention Brenda. I guess that after a couple of weeks, I just assumed that he'd turned her down. Either that or that she had changed her mind about asking him out."
"You didn't ask him about it?" Lanie asked.
I shook my head.
"I asked how things had gone at the school, but that's the extent of it. I think I was afraid that if I asked specifically about Brenda, he would accuse me of being jealous."
"Which you were," Lanie pointed out.
"Yes," I agreed. "I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet. I was still busy trying to deny the fact that I had feelings for Castle that went beyond friendship. Admitting to being jealous would have forced me to confront those feelings."
"So when did you find out they were dating?"
"I'd made plans with Alexis to spend an afternoon at the spa," I told her. "It's something we started doing a few months ago. If I have the weekend off, we try to do something together…just the two of us. Sometimes we shop; sometimes we see a movie; and sometimes we just get lunch and spend the day hanging out together. We often end up back at the loft and spend time with Castle while he cooks us dinner, but our days are always just girl time. Alexis had actually suggested an afternoon at the spa, so the first weekend I had available, I booked an appointment for us."
Lanie offered a soft smile.
"You two have gotten pretty close, huh?"
I couldn't help my own smile. I couldn't be sure, but I thought I might actually enjoy the times that Alexis and I spent together more than she did.
"I know it probably sounds weird, but spending time with her is like having the little sister I always wanted."
Martha opened the door to Castle's apartment with a smile in place.
"Kate, darling! It's so good to see you again. Come on in."
I stepped into the apartment and returned her embrace.
"Martha, how are you?"
"Wonderful, dear," she replied as she closed the door. "How are you?"
"I'm doing well," I replied as I stepped further into the apartment.
Martha stepped past me, motioning me to join her.
"Alexis, Kate is here," she called out.
"I'll be right down," Alexis called back.
"She got a phone call from Paige a few minutes ago," Martha explained with a dismissive wave. "Honestly, sometimes I wonder how the two of them remain friends. Paige seems to be nothing but drama lately."
A chuckle escaped me at that, having heard Castle say nearly that very thing only days before.
"I think it's a stage that teenage girls are required to go through," I stated.
"Somehow, I have trouble picturing you as a teenage drama queen, Kate," Castle said from behind me.
Turning to face him, I was surprised to find Brenda standing at his side. I bit my cheek in an effort to keep the surge of emotions I felt at her presence from showing on my face. Instead, I forced a tight smile.
"Castle, hi. I didn't realize you were going to be home this afternoon," I said. Then I offered Brenda a nod. " Brenda."
Brenda looped her arm through Castle's possessively and I had to fight to keep from rolling my eyes.
"Kate," Brenda replied with a cautious smile. "It's good to see you again. Rick and I were just headed out to the museum."
Castle's smile didn't quite reach his eyes…and was it my imagination or did he take a slight step to the side?
"Bex is taking Alexis to the spa today," Castle explained to Brenda.
"Bex?" Brenda asked as she turned her attention to Castle.
He grinned as he looked over at me, and there was no doubt that it reached his eyes this time. He was almost certainly recalling the night when he'd given me the nickname. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my own face at the memory. We'd just finished another case and in typical fashion had ended up at Remy's to celebrate with our favorite burgers, one too many orders of fries and two massive milkshakes.
Halfway through the first order of fries, he'd started calling me "Bex", insisting that "Detective" was way too formal and "Beckett" was what everyone else called me. By the time we'd finished our third order and I'd polished off over half of his mint chocolate shake- leaving my own vanilla one practically untouched on the table between us-I'd grown rather accustomed to the nickname and Castle had decided it was going to stick. He'd been using it on a regular basis since then, although to his credit, he'd kept it away from the precinct.
To my knowledge, neither Martha nor Alexis had ever questioned the origin of the nickname; they'd merely accepted it…much as I had…as something that was uniquely ours.
"It's a long story," Castle finally offered by way of explanation when he turned his attention back to Brenda.
I noted from her raised eyebrow and tight smile that she wasn't at all happy with his response.
"What on earth is taking her so long?" Martha asked, effectively turning the focus back to Alexis and the reason for my being there.
"I'll go check on her," Castle said as he disengaged his arm from Brenda's.
I stopped him with a soft touch to his forearm.
"It's not necessary. I'll go up and get her. You and Brenda go on and enjoy your day."
His eyes locked with mine for a long minute and I briefly wondered if he was going to protest. He finally smiled and gave a slight nod.
"I shall leave her in your capable hands," he stated with a dramatic bow in my direction.
Martha and I both laughed at that and I couldn't help but tease him a bit.
"Now who's the drama queen, Rick?"
"Ouch, Bex. That one might have been a mortal wound," he replied as he lifted his hand to his chest in feigned injury.
I merely shook my head. Castle could hold his own when it came to the theatrics.
"It was nice to see you again, Brenda," I offered as I turned and made my way towards the steps, not bothering to wait for her response.
When I reached Alexis's room, I knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" she called from behind the door.
"It's me," I replied.
The door opened immediately and Alexis looked around to see if anyone else was in the hallway.
"Have they left yet?"
I raised an eyebrow at that.
"Your dad and Brenda?"
She nodded and stepped back to allow me into her room.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't say anything."
I reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pulling her into my embrace.
"Hey, you don't have to keep secrets from me," I reminded her as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "What's going on?"
"I don't like the way she looks at my dad," Alexis admitted. "I know it's stupid and childish, but they've only been dating for a few weeks and yet she looks at him like…"
When her voice trailed off, I leaned back so I could see her face.
"Like what?" I prodded.
Alexis shrugged and averted her gaze. There was a long pause before she finally continued.
"Like the way my dad looks at you sometimes."
My breath caught in my throat at that.
"How do you think your dad looks at me?" I finally managed to ask.
Her blue eyes…so much like her father's…met mine then.
"You know," she replied with another shrug. "Like you're the only person in the room."
I took a deep breath and pulled her back into my embrace, wondering for a moment exactly how Castle looked at me when I wasn't paying attention. I mean, I'd caught a few of his looks, but nothing I found that unusual.
"How about we make a deal?" I finally suggested, knowing I was walking a fine line between coming off as blowing off Alexis's concerns and merely tabling them until a later date. "Let's forget about everything else going on in our lives and just focus on ourselves for the day."
Alexis smiled as she stepped away from me.
"So no work for you?"
"I'm not even on call today," I assured her. "And no more worrying about Brenda for you."
She nodded and held out her hand.
"Deal."
We shook on it and then I slung my arm around her shoulders and guided her towards the door.
"Have you eaten lunch yet?"
"No," she replied as we made our way down the stairs arm-in arm. "How about you?"
"I was hoping for one of those seafood salads you like so much," I replied.
Her eyes lit up at the prospect.
"With breadsticks?" she asked as we reached the kitchen.
"Absolutely," I agreed, noticing that Castle and Brenda were seated at the island.
Alexis dropped her arm from around me then and flashed her father a bright smile as she made her way to his side.
"See you later, dad. Have a good afternoon."
Castle's eyes met mine over the top of Alexis's head as he hugged her. We had an agreement that if anything was going on with Alexis that was possibly going to cause her danger, I would confide in him. Otherwise, what happened between she and I would stay just between us girls.
Our gazes locked together and I did my best to reassure him with a soft smile and an arched eyebrow that everything was okay. The relief was evident in his blue depths as well as in the way his entire body relaxed into the embrace he shared with Alexis.
He mouthed a quick thank you, which I acknowledged with a wink and a subtle tilt of my head, ignoring the fact that Brenda was watching the entire scene with unbridled curiosity.
When Alexis finally pulled away, she returned to my side and looped her arm in mine.
"We'd better get going, Kate." Turning us towards the door, she added, "Goodbye, Brenda." Then the two of us were on our way.
The doorbell rang again, and I hurried to my feet before Lanie could protest.
"You brought the alcohol; the pizza is on me," I informed her as I grabbed a twenty out of my wallet and headed to the door.
"I'll grab plates and napkins," she replied as she got to her feet as well.
It took only a minute to exchange the cash for the pizza; the young man who delivered it smiling brightly when I told him to keep the change. I rolled my eyes as I closed the door. The kid didn't look old enough to shave yet, but he'd made no attempt to hide the fact that he was checking me out as I'd taken the pizza from him.
"Is the couch okay?" Lanie asked as she walked back in the room.
"It's fine," I agreed as I carried the pizza over and sat it on the coffee table.
After we'd both filled our plates and settled back into the comfort of the couch, Lanie nodded at me.
"So once the cat was out of the bag about Brenda, what happened with you and Castle?"
"Nothing unusual," I replied. "In fact, he hardly ever mentioned her."
"What about pizza nights and late night phone calls?" Lanie prompted.
The pizza was delicious as usual and I made a point of swallowing a bite before I answered.
"You are aware of the fact that when I'm working a case, I can be a little…focused, right?"
"Focused?" Lanie asked with a grin. "If by that, you mean that everything else in life takes a backseat to solving the murder, then yes, I'm aware of that particular trait."
I couldn't help but return her smile.
"Let's just say that for quite some time, Castle has been the one I've called in the middle of the night when I need a fresh perspective on something. It's a rare occasion when I've actually woken him, as he tends to do his best writing after everyone else has settled down for the night. I guess my one track mind forgot the fact that Castle was in a relationship and might have other…things…consuming his late nights."
Case notes littered the coffee table while the crime scene photos were methodically placed on the floor at my feet so I could view the scene as the killer had left it. Something was off. I could feel it in my gut, but I had yet to discover the piece of the puzzle that would unlock the mystery.
A quick glance at the clock showed that it was almost one a.m. My first attempt at sleep had been restless, which had driven me from the bed to look over the case notes again. An hour later, I was no closer to a solution. I sighed in frustration…I needed sleep.
Forty-five minutes later, I once again dragged myself from the bed. This time, instead of going straight to the case file, I reached for my phone…knowing from the countless number of times I'd called him in the past that Castle wouldn't mind the interruption. Granted, he wasn't always able to help me figure out what was bothering me with the cases, but at least a conversation with him would usually force my mind to stop running in circles.
In fact, I'd gotten so used to hearing his voice on the other end of the phone that I occasionally called him even when it wasn't a case that was keeping me awake.
The phone rang twice before a female voice answered.
"Rick Castle's phone. Brenda speaking."
I pulled the phone away from my ear in horror. I could only think of one reason why Brenda would be answering Castle's phone after one in the morning.
"Hello?"
Hearing her voice again, I quickly lifted the phone back to my ear.
"Brenda, hi. It's Kate. Is Castle around?"
Her voice was downright chilly when she replied.
"Hello, Kate. I'm sorry, but Rick is a bit indisposed at the moment. Is there a message?"
I shook my head even though I knew she couldn't see me.
"No, that's okay. It's not important," I replied.
"Okay," came her brusque reply.
I heard Castle's voice in the background, but couldn't make out his words. Brenda's tone was unmistakably defensive when she replied to him though.
"She said it wasn't important, Rick. You can call her back later."
"I'll talk to her now," Castle replied, his words much clearer now.
There was a shuffling sound on the other end of the phone and then Castle's voice greeted me.
"Bex, hey. What's up? Another body?"
"I'm sorry, Castle. I had no idea…I shouldn't have called. I'll talk to you tomorrow…"
He interrupted me then.
"Kate, what is it?"
I blew out a deep breath at the sound of my given name on his lips.
"This case is…it's just…I'm really sorry, Castle. I shouldn't have called."
"Where are you?"
Despite my embarrassment, I found myself answering his question.
"I'm at home. I was just looking over the crime scene photos and something is…off. I'm not sure what it is…something just…it feels wrong."
"I'll be there in ten minutes," he said, no trace of hesitation in his voice.
There was a mumbled sound in the background that I imagined was Brenda protesting his eagerness to help me. Under the circumstances, I couldn't say I blamed her.
"No, Castle. Forget I even called. We can look at this in the morning."
"Ten minutes," he repeated.
It was useless to argue with him. I called; he came. It's how we worked. Apparently, not even Brenda was going to change that.
I gave a resigned sigh.
"Okay."
I closed my phone and let out a deep sigh. Castle was on his way to my apartment, straight from another woman's bed. I'm not sure that Castle himself could have written characters in a more awkward situation. Of course, it really shouldn't have mattered…after all, I didn't have feelings for Castle, or at least, that's what I'd been telling myself. However, if that were truly the case, why did I feel as though I'd made a huge mistake by encouraging their relationship?
That was when I stopped; I stopped the denials, I stopped fighting myself, I stopped ignoring the green-eyed monster I'd been battling since Brenda and I had our conversation in the conference room and in that moment, I knew.
"Oh my god!" I said to my empty apartment. "I have feelings for Castle."
And you guys thought I was being mean with where I ended the first chapter.
Thoughts? Comments? Threats of bodily harm if I don't continue soon? I'll take them all.
