Chapter 2: Something I Cannot Have
Saw you at a party the other night
Last place I thought you'd be
He was holding on to you so tight
I felt like he was choking me
See I never wanted nothing
That belonged to someone else
But I want you so bad
I want you all for myself
I want to be your lover
Wish I could tell you so
But I'll keep it close to my heart
Until he lets you go
I want something that I cannot have
Something beautiful
Something just out of my grasp
Fitz could feel his head pounding before he opened his eyes. He had spent the night trying to drink his reality away. But, it didn't work. Nothing could erase the fact that the love of his life was married to another man with kids. Then, when he finally went to sleep, he dreamed they were finally together only to wake up and realize it wasn't true. Why had fate and life decided to be so cruel to him?
He rolled out of bed and made his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He got a bottle of aspirin out of the cabinet and took a couple, hoping it would stop the headache.
"That's what happens when you stay up drinking all night," his mother said when she came in the kitchen.
"I had to do something," Fitz said. If he had stayed sober, he would have cried himself to sleep. And, crying seemed weak. But, what could he do? The only thing he wanted to do was take her away from her husband and make her his wife. "Why didn't you tell me she was married," Fitz wanted to know.
"You told me not to talk about Olivia to you. Or talk about you to her. So, I honored your wish."
Fitz cursed in his head.
"Is she happy?" He wanted to know. Maybe knowing that she was happy would make it easier.
"She is."
Fitz nodded his head and left the room. The tears were threatening to fall, and he didn't want his mother to see him cry. Knowing she was happy didn't make it easier. In fact, it made everything worse. He truly did want her to be happy. But, he wanted her happy with him. And, she had found her happiness with someone else.
Olivia took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves.
Abby looked over at her. "You're going to be okay. It's just a conversation. You find out what happened, and finally close that chapter in your life."
"You're right," she said and nodded her head.
She glanced back at her daughter sleeping in the backseat. "I have a great life and I want to keep it that way."
"Let's go," Abby said. "I got Lil' Bit."
When they got to the backyard, she saw everyone, except Fitz. She was a little bit relieved, because she didn't know what she was going to say. Or if she was ready for what Fitz had to say.
"I'm surprised you're here," her mother said and hugged her.
"I just need some answers to put it behind me," Olivia told her.
"Just be careful. Guard your heart," Maya warned her.
Olivia nodded her head.
"Where are my grandbabies?"
"JJ went to work with Jonathan. Gabby's with Abby."
"Let me go find her and steal her away. Remember what I said," Maya warned again before she went to find Abby and Gabby.
"Okay."
Olivia decided to get some punch, but she thought better of it, thinking she didn't need the sugar. She wanted to be calm when she saw him. She looked around for some water, but didn't see any. She went inside and got a bottle out of the refrigerator.
"Hi."
His voice startled her, and she was relieved, because she didn't need it to hold her the way it used to when she loved him. And, she wondered if she still loved him. She knew she cared, but just how much. And, she knew that the pending conversation would help determine just how she felt about him. That was one reason why she was dreading and anticipating it. There were so many unanswered and unasked questions. She paused and took a deep breath before turning around. "Hello."
He lowered his eyes. "I guess I deserve that."
"You do."
"I'm surprised you're here," he admitted and stuffed his hands in his pockets. In fact, he thought he would never see her again, unless he just ran into her around town.
"Abby convinced me to come."
"I guess I should thank Abby," he said with a smile.
"I don't know about that."
Olivia played with the top on her water bottle and Fitz shifted from foot to foot. A silence that would have been comforting between them was suddenly awkward.
"Is there somewhere we can talk?" Olivia asked before the silence became too much.
"Yeah." Fitz led her to his bedroom and closed the door.
Olivia looked around and smiled. "Not much has changed in here."
"You know how sentimental my mom is."
"Yeah. I'm sure she's happy you're home."
"I guess."
"How long are you going to be home?"
"Your dad offered me a job in his office while I finish my degree," he told her, letting her know that he had no plans of leaving any time soon.
"Figures," Olivia mumbled. She just hoped she didn't run into him on campus.
"If you don't want me to do it-"
"I can't tell you how to live your life."
"How you feel matters to me."
"Does it?"
Once again an awkward silence fell over them before Olivia whispered, "Where were you? Why didn't I hear from you for ten years? Why did you just leave me like that?"
"The Navy. I joined the Navy," he told her.
She looked at him to continue. He had given her the where, but she was still waiting on the why.
"Fitz why?" She whispered again when he didn't give her an explanation.
He sat on the bed. "You know how messed up I was after William's accident."
"Fitz that wasn't your fault," she said and sat down beside him.
"I know that now. But, at the time, all I knew was that I was driving, my brother died, and I walked away. So, I had to get away. I kinda just drifted around for a while. A couple of months or so, before I met this Navy recruiter. He talked me into joining, which was exactly what I needed. I needed that discipline. It really helped me grow and mature. And, eventually let go of my guilt," he explained.
"I'm glad you were able to find peace with William's death. And your life." She paused. "But, what about us? Why did you let me go?"
"I didn't." He turned to her. "Livvie, you were the only thing that kept me going. I held you in my heart, foolishly thinking you were doing the same."
"Fitz, I had no idea what was going on. I didn't hear from you for years. What did you expect me to do? At some point, I had to go on with my life," she explained.
"Livvie, you told me on the day that I left that our love would last. That you were going to wait for me," he reminded her.
"That didn't mean go away, and stop communicating with me." She stood up. "If I had heard from you just once... I would have waited forever. I lived in a perpetual state of waiting. For you. To come back to me. To call me. To write me. To just let me know that you still loved me. And I got nothing," she told him.
"That's a lie," he exclaimed and stood up with her.
"How? You left on Christmas break and gave me a dozen sterling roses before you drove away. Do you know how painful that was? You're the reason why I hate Christmas now. And sterling roses. At one point, I even hated you. At least I told myself I did." She had told herself that she didn't care. That she was just curious and wanted some answers. But, the inflection and pain in her voice, let it be known that was a lie.
"Liv, I sent you letters for a year, and you never replied," he told her.
"What?" That was the first she heard about any letters. "That's a lie," she said.
"It's not." His voice was pleading for to believe him.
"Then, where are they? Because I never got a letter from you," he told her.
"I don't know. All I know is that I sent you letters." He took a step towards her. "Come on Livvie. You know I love you too much to just abandon you like that. I wrote to you. You know I did."
Olivia took a step back and a deep breath. She didn't know if she could actually believe him or not. Part of her wanted to. She wanted to believe that he didn't leave her and never tried to contact her again. And the other part didn't want to. If he didn't, then she could just leave the past where it belonged.
"That's why I don't talk about you with my mother. I asked her not to. I didn't want to know that you were just ignoring me and living your life."
"Then, why did you show up at my house, if you wrote me letters and I didn't write back? Why didn't you just let me go?" She wanted to know.
He shrugged. "I still had hope," he quietly confessed. "I still have hope. I love you too much not to have hope."
She looked up at him and quickly turned away. "Fitz, I love Jonathan."
"Do you?" She could feel him stepping closer to her.
"Fitz stop. You have to let me go," she whispered.
"How? You are the love of my life. How am I supposed to stop loving you? How am I supposed to stop loving you while you love someone else?" She could hear the tears in his voice and her heart broke for him.
"Livvie?" He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Look at me. Please."
She took a deep breath and turned to face him, but she refused to look in his eyes.
"Livvie?"
"Fitz, I can't."
He placed a finger under her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. They both felt her resistance start to crumble, and he took advantage of the moment. He cupped her face in his hands and eased his lips towards hers. But, he paused, waiting on her to make the next move. She placed her hands on the sides of his face and rubbed her fingers against his cheeks.
"I love you," he whispered his lips just inches from hers.
"Fitz, don't make me do this," she whispered.
"Livvie."
"Please Fitz. My daughter is here," she pleaded. Their lips still only a breath away from each other.
He took a deep breath and finally stepped away from her. She quickly turned on her heels and left.
"Yo Fitz," Harrison greeted Fitz with his hands in the air. He made it to the party late, which was expected. He made it to everything late. He preferred to make an entrance, rather than just arrive.
"Hey," Fitz barely acknowledged Harrison's presence as he greeted him.
"What's wrong with you? This is supposed to be a party."
Fitz looked at him and Harrison knew.
"She came?"
"But not before I showed up at her place yesterday and made a total ass of myself."
"Please tell me you did not blow up her spot," Harrison said.
"How was I supposed to know she was married? Nobody told me a damn thing."
"You asked us not you talk to you about her. So, we didn't. You can't have it both ways."
"That's messed up."
"Probably."
"What are you doing tonight," Fitz asked Harrison. He needed to get his mind off of Olivia.
"What do you want to do?"
"Get wasted. Drink my problems away."
"You need to get laid." Harrison said with a sly grin.
"True. But, the one woman I want in my bed is in another man's bed as his wife. What's he like?" He finally asked. "Do you know if he treats her right?"
"She's happy," Harrison told him. "Every time I've seen them together, she's had a smile on her face.
"That's good, I guess."
"Come on," Harrison said. "Let's get you drunk. And maybe a woman to help you forget about Olivia for the night."
"I just want the liquor," Fitz told him.
"Maybe."
"Are you ever going to tell me what happened?" Abby wanted to know. "You've been radio silent since we left. Where did Fitz disappear to?"
"The Navy," Olivia told her as she sautéed the vegetables for the pasta.
"That's it?" Abby said in disbelief. "He couldn't call or send a damn post card?"
"He says he did."
"What?"
"He says he wrote letters. But, I never got them. I don't know if he's lying or what," Olivia said with a shake of her head.
"Why would he lie? What could he gain by lying now?" Abby asked as she continued to mix the salad.
"He says he loves me. But, that's also why he wouldn't lie."
"Do you still love him?" Abby wanted to know.
Olivia looked off. "There was a moment today when I thought I did," she confessed. "I'm not so sure anymore."
"Liv," Abby began. Her voice held a serious warning.
"Don't worry," Olivia told her. "I love Jonathan. That much I do know. I love him and the life we have."
"Good," Abby said. "Because you two are relationship goals. If you can't make it, there's no hope for me and David."
"We have problems just like everyone else."
"Minor ones."
"Me not taking his last name is still a big one," Olivia told her.
"Your dad is the mayor. You're his only child. He wants you to keep his name. I don't see the problem."
"I think it's more of an ego thing than anything. But, I've been thinking about hyphenating. My dad will just have to deal. And we can go back to being picture perfect. At least for you. Besides, I'm pretty sure that's how Fitz...found...me..." She looked off with a look of realization on her face.
"What?"
"What if he sent the letters and my parents never gave them to me?"
"Why would they do that?" Abby wondered. "Your parents love Fitz," she reminded her.
"I know. My dad even offered him a job in his office while he finishes his degree," Olivia told her.
"So, he's staying?"
"He's staying."
By the time they were finishing up dinner, Jonathan had finally made it home with a sleeping JJ on his shoulder.
"Hey," Olivia greeted him with a kiss and rubbed her hand over JJ's hair.
"Hi Mommy," he whispered, sleepily.
"Hi baby," she greeted him as Jonathan turned around so she could see his face. "Are you hungry?" She rubbed his hair again. "Can you wake up enough to eat?"
"I ate work food," he said and Olivia smiled. Work food meant that the guys at work had shared their lunch with him.
"Okay. But, you gotta wake up a little bit so Daddy can bathe you. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Where's the boss lady?" Jonathan asked.
"Sleeping. She finally crashed from that sugar high her grandmother had her on."
"I better hurry up and bathe this one and put him down before he realizes he wants to be up."
"Wait. Come here." She stood on her tiptoes and placed a hand behind his head, pulling him down for a searing kiss.
"Hey. You two have company," Abby said with disgust.
They pulled away. "What was that for?" Jonathan asked with a smile.
"I love you," Olivia said. "Don't ever doubt that."
"Never my love," he said and kissed her again.
"Company," Abby piped up again.
Fitz woke up again with a pounding headache. He needed coffee and he needed it fast. Thankfully, he could smell it brewing. He opened his eyes and realized he was not at home. Was he so drunk that Harrison had to bring him home with him?
"Who's Livvie?" An unfamiliar female voice asked.
