"Do you have anything to say?"
Pause.
"Nothing?"
"I'm not sure I can say it." Amanda sighs.
"You can't say it, or you don't feel it?" He gives her a little lopsided grin like he knows the truth.
"This isn't easy for me, you know? It shouldn't be easy for you either."
"Why not?" Again he's totally relaxed, like this whole conversation is no big deal.
"Because I don't des – "
He puts up a finger, stopping her. "Don't say it."
"You know it, Carisi. You know it in your heart. You're just too . . . " She flops her hand around, evaluating him from head to toe.
"Too what?"
"Optimistic."
He puts his hands on his hips and laughs in a way that is almost a snort. But then he stops to look at her carefully.
"Seriously Amanda. You deserve everything. Everything."
He's still holding her securely – against that wall.
"You okay?" he breathes onto her neck.
"Yeah." She's still breathing heavily. "It was just a little intense, you know."
"We can slow it down."
"Good idea," she says and nods.
He backs away from her once she's caught her breath, drawing his hand down her cheek in a caress. Eventually both of his hands come down and land on her waist.
She looks down near his belt buckle and suddenly forgets why it's a good idea to slow down. There's a hardness there, and she wants to release it – to touch him, to feel him in that way.
Despite their affection for one another, in some ways she never really thought she would get to this place with him. He is so different from anyone else she's been with that a part of her just never thought something like this would to actually come to fruition. But now that she's here. . .
She lifts her hand to his chest, resting it on his shoulder, her thumb stroking his prominent collar bone. Then she traces her fingers over it, fascinated. They continue their way down his bare chest. She can almost feel the bones of his ribcage through his skin, so different than the overdeveloped muscles of the others. Somehow this makes him more real to her, more human, more delicate. Something she needs to be careful not to hurt.
"You deserve everything. Everything." He steps forward to tilt her chin up. "Even love."
But before he can even bend down to kiss her tears start to form in her eyes.
"Stop. Just stop." She puts up a hand.
"You can't make me stop caring."
"Carisi, please don't . . . "
"Why?"
With freshly formed tears threatening to escape her eyes she says harshly, "Because I'm going to hurt you. And you're too good for that."
"Really? You really believe that?"
"You know it's true."
"No I don't, Amanda. That's the point."
"How is that the point?"
He sighs, frustrated. "Look, if you're expecting the worst, you'll get the worst. Or heck, in your case I'll get the worst."
"You will – you'll get the worst of me if I let myself love you."
"You're wrong – I won't get the worst of you. You wouldn't do that to me," he says firmly. "Besides, I know who you are, Amanda – I've seen who you are. I may not know every little detail of your past, but I know YOU – even if you try to hide it. Trust me. I'm observant."
"You think you know me . . . even the worst parts," she replies. "But you really don't. I hide them too well."
"No, you don't."
"Really?" she challenges him with her hand on her hip and her head cocked to the side.
"Not from me," he says with confidence.
She doesn't answer.
"How many times have you shared your fears, your doubts with me? Amanda, I know who you are because you've already shared so much of yourself – you've already let me in." He moves closer to her and strokes her cheek. "You can trust me. It's okay."
She looks up at him, feeling vulnerable and open. Then nodding and looking back down, she acknowledges to herself that she has shared many things with him – things she's never even told her most trusted confidant, Fin.
"It's okay to love me, Amanda," Carisi says softly. "It's okay."
