Wait a Second!
Disclaimer: Still don't own LOTR… still own coffee mug.
In the mean time, Sauron gazed down at the Fellowship from his tower, absolutely amused by the entire scene. He had been waiting many long years to use that spell, and at long last he was able! He knew, if no one else, that Legolas was not indeed pregnant, but he had all the signs of a woman that was. He had not had this much fun since he had had a body. He laughed to himself as he watched them all row down the Anduin. Oh how much fun this would be!
As Legolas paddled down the river he could not help but wonder what had just happened. After five minutes he got his head clear enough to set a foundation for his thinking: there was no way physical way he could be pregnant. Once that was established his mind began to reel at the possibilities of why his stomach looked like that. He had seen mortals with unnatural bulges in strange places. If he recalled correctly, the term he had heard for them was tumors. But they took a while to grow of a size that significance, so that wasn't it. He had known more than one human with a beer belly, but they definitely didn't look like his. Besides, he didn't drink beer hardly ever. As his thoughts progressed he became aware of the fact that his emotions were taking hold of him. He tried desperately to keep in total control of them, and failed miserably, ending in infuriating sobs.
Gimli, who was seated before him, turned about to see what troubled his friend, but before his face could see the elf's clearly Legolas yelled out, "Turn around if you value your life!" Gimli promptly obeyed, for he valued his life.
"Well, if we're stuck here, you might as well tell me what is wrong," Gimli said.
"No! I don't want to!" Legolas snapped, no longer sobbing, but still sniffling. "Do you have a handkerchief?"
"No lad, I don't," Gimli replied. "But the hobbits might. Row up beside them and ask."
"NO!" Legolas whispered. "It would be the death of me to have Boromir or Aragorn see me crying like this."
"As you will! It was just a suggestion!" Gimli said, wishing sorely he could get away from the cranky elf.
That night, when they stopped to rest, Legolas was full of complaints about the hard ground, his head, how he felt, and all around crankiness. Everyone was at a loss. What do you do with a male elf that wakes up one morning acting and looking pregnant? Boromir, as well as all the hobbits, stayed as far away from the cranky elf as they possibly could. In the meantime, Aragorn and Gimli were busy trying to comfort Legolas and figure out just what was wrong with him. In the end, everyone had to tolerate him and do what they could to get him to be quiet.
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Frodo was off contemplating what to do about the Fellowship and the Ring. Boromir was "gathering fire wood" and everyone else was sitting around and trying not to stare at Legolas' enlarged stomach.
Suddenly, Boromir came back to camp and they all went in search of Frodo. That is, all save Legolas. He stayed behind, sitting upon the ground and resolved not to move. He began to pity his poor aunt who had three children. He couldn't imagine going through a full term pregnancy and all these problems three times. He had only been in that state a few days and was already going mad. He was musing with ways to explain this all to his father with out getting locked away or killed when he heard Boromir's horn.
"Boromir!" he gasped. "I must go to his aid!" He slowly got up and then realized his bow and knives and arrows were lying upon the ground. He stared at them with vain hopes they would leap up into his hands, but then reality set in, so he bent over as best as he could and picked them up. After some difficulty he was armed for battle and running… well, jogging through the forest towards his friend. It was not long before he came across his first Uruk-hai.
He shot a few, and then realized he had to use his knives. With usual speed he whipped them out of their sheathes and slew the Uruk-hai, then instantly felt terrible and wished he had not. He had to fight for his life, however, so he fought through the odd feelings as best he could, and realized how great a hindrance a large stomach could be. At length they Uruk's were gone and he could make his way to Boromir once more. He walked up, with both hands on his lower back, rubbing it because it was so sore, and saw Boromir dead.
Once again, Legolas wept uncontrollably, but at least this time there was a good reason for tears… just not the uncontrollable sobs. There was rarely an excuse for sobs for an elf. Let alone an elven prince.
Boromir was sent over the waterfall in a boat, and the three remaining members of the Fellowship discussed what to do.
"Are you sure you can handle the pursuit of Merry and Pippin?" Aragorn asked.
"Of course!" Legolas said. "No problem." He added as he rubbed his back again. "But before we set off, I must ask a question," Legolas said.
"What is it?" Aragorn asked.
"What do you mortals do for a sore back?"
A/N: HEHEHE! Next chappie will have Rohan! YAY! Review, don't flame. Flames burn.
