Chapter 2
I turned my back on him and walked away. I didn't know what else to do. He was just standing there, staring at me as if he expected me to say something, but no words formed at my lips. I was spent. Emotionally and physically spent. For the first time, I felt my knee throbbing and I realized that I must have fallen harder than I thought. I knew that the cancer had already begun to weaken my body and for the first time, I could really start to feel it. I would probably have an ugly bruise for months, but I realized that it didn't matter. Nobody would be looking at my knee anyway. Nobody would care that much.
I continued to walk, feeling the tears against my skin again. This time, he didn't follow me even though I wanted him to. I knew my moms said that they would pick me up at the end of the charity event, but I walked home. It was almost two miles, but I didn't care. By the time I reached the front door, I was out of breath and sweating. The cancer had really begun to take its toll.
"Honey, is that you?" One of my moms called out. I said something about going up to my bedroom and I trudged up the stairs. I walked into my room, slammed the door closed, and just stood. At last I was in my sanctuary, the one place where no one could touch me. In my bedroom, I didn't have to think about school or about cancer or about him. In my room I could just be me, carefree and cancer free.
As I flopped down onto my bed, my hat falling off, I looked up at the ceiling.
"What have I done?" I whispered to myself before letting the tears fall.
I woke up nearly an hour later. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, but my sobs had somehow lulled me to sleep like a mother rocking her baby back and forth. My first thoughts as I opened my eyes, still staring at the blue painted ceiling above me, were of him and I knew that I had to find him.
I jumped out of bed, shoved my hat back on my head and walked out of my room. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw one of my moms sitting on the couch, munching on a bowl of popcorn while she watched yet another made for TV movie.
"How was the benefit?" She asked me, putting the movie on mute.
"Fine," I responded."
"Just fine?" I headed for the door, deliberately ignoring her. "Going out?" She asked me.
"For a little while," I responded. I had no idea how long I would be out, but I wasn't about to tell her that.
"Do you want a ride?"
"No," I answered simply. I needed to be alone. Besides, I had no idea where I'd find him.
"Well, don't stay out too late," she said. "You need your rest."
"I know, mom."
I knew that she was just trying to protect me, but I was tired of having to come home early to "rest." Little did my mom know, usually when she thought I was sleeping, I was battling Josh at G-Force.
"I love you," she called out as I opened the door and walked out.
I headed for his house first, but I noticed immediately that his car wasn't in the driveway. Having no other idea where he could be, I decided to start from where I last saw him. I walked the two miles back to the benefit. As I entered the building, I noticed that most people had already left. The car, that was the cause of this catastrophe, was still parked in the middle of the room.
"Can I help you?" Someone asked me. I recognized him as one of the coordinators of the benefit.
"I'm looking for something," I answered, staring at the car. How did such a meaningless object change my life so much in such a short time?
"We've got a lost and found in the back."
"I don't think what I'm looking for will be in the lost and found, but thanks." I turned to walk away, trying to think of where else he might be.
"Hey," the guy said. I looked back at him, wondering what he wanted. "I'm sorry about…"
"Yeah," I interjected. I didn't want him to say it. "Thanks." I didn't mean it. I wasn't thankful that he felt bad for me. I was angry. I didn't need anyone feeling sorry for me.
I raced out and leaned my back against the wall, breathing heavily. I don't know why, but what he said made it all real. I placed my hand against my chest, trying to steady my beating heart. More than ever, I knew that I needed him. If I was going to have to deal with strangers telling me they were sorry that I was struck with a terminal illness, I needed him.
I headed down the same path I had taken when I was running from him. Well, at least it was as close to the same path as I could remember. I had been a little too preoccupied earlier in the day to really know how I gotten to where I ended up in the middle of the park.
As I approached the spot where I had fallen, I saw him. He was sitting where I left him, in the exact same spot. I hung back, hiding myself behind a tree. I don't know why I didn't immediately throw myself into his arms and beg him to forgive me for being so stupid, but I didn't. Instead I hid.
"Josh!"
I heard her voice ring out and then she appeared. Josh didn't even bother to look at her. He just sat, with his legs tucked close to his body, his head resting in his arms.
"Mom's been looking for you an hour," Lori said, walking closer to Josh. "She had to take Kyle home."
"I asked Kyle to win me the car."
"You know, Josh, sometimes there are more important things than a car." I could sense the anger in Lori's voice. "Did you not notice that Kyle practically got electrocuted?"
"Is he alright?" Josh replied.
"Yeah, he and Jessi are going to be fine, but was it worth winning a car over?"
"Look, if I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't have asked him. Besides, I didn't ask him to win it for me."
I crouched down behind the tree I was standing behind. I knew it was wrong of me to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help it.
"Okay, wait. You asked Kyle to win you a brand new hybrid car that you couldn't offer in a million years, but you didn't ask him to win it for you? Are we talking about the same Josh?"
"I asked him to win it for Andy."
Lori sighed and sat down beside him.
"Josh, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell us before?"
He shook his head.
"She didn't want me to. And now I've lost her."
"Look, Josh, I know she's…angry about you weaseling your way into the giveaway, but she'll get over it."
"No, I don't think she will."
I watched him wipe the back of his hand against his face, but, because he was partially turned away from me, I couldn't really tell what he was doing.
"I don't know what to do for her, Lori," Josh continued. "I mean, I try to do all these things because I think I'm helping her, but it seems like everything I do, she pushes me farther and farther away."
"Well, just think about how difficult this is for her. I mean, she's obviously scared about facing this…"
"Again."
"She had cancer before?"
I saw him nod, but offer no more information. I realized at that moment that he didn't have any more information. I had never told him anything about my previous experience with cancer.
"Okay, so she's scared about facing this again. And she's obviously confused about her feelings for you. And she doesn't want to rely on you because she's not yet sure if she can, but she wants you with her because she needs someone to be there for her. But she doesn't want you to be with her just because you feel badly for her. And now she's worried about what people will think about her not to mention that she's afraid of what you'll think about her. And let's not forget that she's still upset because you basically cheated your way into a charity event."
I couldn't help but drop my jaw. Lori had practically listed all of the feelings that were going on both inside my head and my heart and I hadn't even really had more than a five minute conversation with her at any given time.
"Woah…did you just channel mom or what?" Josh joked.
"You really care about her, don't you?"
I held my breath. Sure, he had told me to my face that he cared about me, but I still desperately wanted to hear what would come out of his mouth.
"I think I'm falling in love with her."
Author's Note:
Okay, this story seems to be getting more difficult to write as I go on. I'm still trying to get used to writing from one character's point of view. Thanks for the reviews I've received so far!
