Chapter Two: This Is The Way the World Ends
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"He's really gone?" Kensi asked falteringly. "When? Was it sudden?"
The nurse put down the pillow and moved around the bed to stand beside her. "It was just after midday. We had no idea – it just came totally out of the blue."
That was one small ray of consolation: if it had been quick, then surely that meant he hadn't suffered? Kensi didn't think she could have borne it if the nurse had told that Deeks had been in pain at the end, that he'd died screaming in agony. She'd seen enough of his pain and suffering over the past week, enough to last a lifetime. It had lasted the entire last week of his life. That wasn't right. If Deeks had to die suddenly like this, then at least he should have been allowed some fun beforehand. He should have gone out on a high, riding his surfboard on the crest of a wave and then crashing into oblivion. Now, that would have been a fitting end. But to die in a hospital room that was already being prepared for its next occupant, that wasn't right – that wasn't Deeks. He should be here, making some bad joke about them not even letting the bed cool down.
No, it was much better to think that his death had been quick and he'd simply slipped out of life and into another realm altogether. Kensi couldn't bear to think that he might have been crying out in pain at the end, dying without anyone who loved him by his side. But that was the truth: gregarious Deeks hadn't even had anyone to put down as his next of kin. He'd been without anyone who mattered to say goodbye to him, to wish him well, to hold his hand until it grew cold. And Kensi had seen the unpleasant reality of death too many times to be able to fool herself that he'd just fallen asleep. Because death was invariably nasty and painful, with people choking to death on their own blood, or gasping desperately for breath as their systems shut down slowly. It was rare to find anyone who was resigned to death, or who greeted it like an old friend they'd been waiting for. But Deeks was just bloody-minded enough to be the exception. She hoped he was. Or rather that he had been.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Deeks was far too young to die; he was too full of life just to disappear in the blink of an eye, when she wasn't even there. Kensi knew she should have been there – she should have been there for him. Deeks was dead because he had been there for her – he'd put her safety above his own well-being and he'd died as a result. The least she could have done was to have been there for him at the end. Only she'd let him down, again.
And the worst thing of all was that Kensi knew all this was pointless – it could have so easily been avoided. If only she had listened to him, just waited a few seconds more, then she wouldn't have gone haring off like a scalded cat, convinced that she, and she alone could save the world single-handedly. A few days ago, Deeks had called her Wonder Woman – and he'd been right. Kensi knew she was inclined to think she was bullet-proof, but it was only now that she realised what pressure this put on her partner. My God, Deeks had been shot twice in the chest only hours before and then because of her stupidity and her refusal to acknowledge that he might actually have something valuable to say, Kensi had basically forced him out of his hospital bed. If only he'd just stayed put, then this wouldn't have happened. If only he hadn't been such a nice guy and left her to look after herself, he'd be lying there in that bed right now, bitching about how she only came to see him so that she could help herself to his Jello. Kensi didn't think she would ever be able to look at a helping of Jello ever again without seeing his engaging grin, the trademark shaggy hair that just seemed to cry out to have her hands run through it, and those eyes, that looked at her as if he could see straight into her soul. Her cursed soul.
"We'll all miss Marty," the nurse said. "He was such a nice guy." And he had a bod from God. Every time I came in, and saw him lying there, bare-chested and looking good enough to eat, my heart used to do a back-flip. There are some patients you forget the moment they leave, there are others you wish would go to another hospital, preferably on the other side of the country, and then there are the ones you'll always remember – and Marty was one of the good guys. I miss him already.
It was all her fault, Kensi realised. Deeks had only been shot in the first place, simply as a means of getting to Kensi – only nobody had worked that one out. Instead they'd concentrated their efforts on telling Deeks that he didn't come up to their professional standards, that he'd been sloppy. Well, that was a joke. In the end, when it came right down to it, NCIS had fumbled the ball completely, and the amateur from LAPD had scored the winning touchdown. Talk about Death or Glory. Hetty had already put in a recommendation for a commendation, but it looked like it would be posthumous. So, it was Death and Glory for Deeks then. That would probably please him. He was a pretty wholesale sort of guy, after all.
No that was wrong – Deeks wasn't anything anymore, because he was dead. She had to start thinking of him in the past tense. He was dead and she was alive, because he cared enough – or perhaps because he cared too much. It was a moot point, either way. Kensi knew she was alive because he was a great shot, even when he was half-bleeding to death. Oh God, she couldn't stop thinking about him in the present, he simply wouldn't go into the past, where he belonged. In her mind, Kensi could see him standing there, tanned skin standing out in stark contrast to the white bandages around his chest, blond hair blowing in the wind, looking insanely hot despite everything. Only he was dead and she'd killed him.
He shouldn't have gone like that, not without giving her a chance to say goodbye, to say all the things that had been running around her head for weeks now.
You were always an annoying bastard, Deeks. You always know exactly how to wind me up. Well, this isn't funny. You had no right to die like that. You should have waited for me. There were things I needed to say to you. There was so much I wanted to say to you. Why couldn't you just wait, you stupid, stupid man? Did you know how much I loved you? Did you guess? Are you laughing at me now?
"Hey Deeks!" Callen strolled into the room, holding a magazine triumphantly aloft. "I'm going to make your day here, buddy. I've managed to get my hands on a collector's edition of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue – the 1983 one, with Cheryl Tiegs on the cover." He caught sight of Kensi's face. "Aw come on, don't be a spoilsport. Deeks will love it. You know he will."
And of course, he was bloody right – Deeks would have loved it. He would have sat up in bed and reached out, his face lighting up and he would have made some totally inappropriate remark. She would have loved for that to happen – she would even have forgiven him in a second, just because he was alive and laughing. She might even have laughed. Oh, the sweet wisdom of hindsight
"He's gone, Callen. Deeks died."
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Lines from The Hollow Men by TS Eliot (of course).
Poor darling slushy plot bunny has been crying all day. Between sobs he keeps saying "you killed Deeks" and evil plot bunny just laughs at him.
