Hopeful

Part 2


A couple of days later, Sara was in her living room, reading a book. She was sitting on her couch, her right leg resting on a cushion. There were crutches lying on the floor next to her, and she mechanically reached for them when someone knocked on her door.

She momentarily froze when she heard a key turning on the lock, but immediately relaxed when she saw Catherine coming in. Sara had given her the keys to her house the day before.

"Hey," Catherine said.

"Hey," Sara greeted, "Come on in."

Catherine advanced, carrying a fairly large cardboard box in her arms.

"Here," she said, putting the box on the coffee table next to Sara's couch. "I cleaned up your locker."

"Thanks. I appreciate this."

"Oh, it was nothing," Catherine said dismissively, "It was the cleanest locker I'd ever seen. There was hardly anything in there, except for clothes and toiletries. Pretty bare," she added, "Considering you've been at the lab for seven years."

Sara didn't comment. It was true; unlike most CSIs, who tended to keep pictures and personal mementos in their lockers, she hardly kept any personal stuff in them. But she considered it an asset; it was one of the reasons she'd been able to pack overnight when Grissom offered her a job in Las Vegas.

"Anyway," Catherine said, "I turned your keys back to Personnel, just as you asked -"

Catherine was sneaking discreet glances around as she spoke, and Sara noticed immediately.

"You've never been here before, have you?" she smiled.

"You'd never invited me before," Catherine replied dryly.

"Go ahead, then. Take a look."

Catherine looked around openly.

"It's nice," she said, without bothering to hide her surprise.

Sara smiled at Catherine's unembellished response.

"You didn't think it would be nice?" she asked.

"Well…" Catherine hesitated, "To tell you the truth, after looking into your locker, I was expecting a more Spartan decor. But this is nice. Warm. Love your plants," she added, glancing at the tiny pots lining a nearby window; they were filled with green vegetation. She turned to Sara. "You've made a home here," she said.

Sara didn't say anything.

Catherine sat on the chair closest to Sara.

"So, Sara," Catherine said, "I promised I wouldn't ask… But you know I can't just leave it at that, right? Why did you ask me to empty your locker?"

Sara shrugged.

"I'm going to be away for a few weeks -"

"I know," Catherine nodded, "The physical therapy, and all that. But is that really all?" she looked closely at Sara, "You're not quitting, are you?"

"I don't want to quit," Sara said, again refusing to give a direct answer.

Catherine didn't insist.

"All right," she said patiently, "So. How are you feeling?"

"Oh. You know," Sara shrugged slightly. "Bored. But at least I'm catching up with my reading," she added, smiling a little.

Catherine peeked at the book open on Sara's lap.

"One Hundred Years of Solitude," she read aloud. "Wow. And here I thought you'd be reading book after book on child-bearing."

"Not yet," Sara smiled. "But I've already ordered a couple of books."

"Good for you," Catherine said, "Of course," she added, "If you really want to know what to expect,
there's nothing like another mother's testimony to find out what having a baby is all about."

Sara smiled at this.

"I know," she said, "I'm sure I'll be turning to you for advice in a few months."

"And I'll be here," Catherine said reassuringly.

They smiled at each other, then fell silent for a moment, each lost in her own thoughts.

Sara was surprised at how comforting it was to have Catherine around. For all the troubles they'd had over the years, it was nice to see that friendship had prevailed somehow.

Inevitably, Catherine asked, "Did you tell him?"

Sara's smile faded. She shook her head.

"Not yet."

"Are you going to?"

Sara stared at Catherine for a moment.

"Would you use a child to trap a man, Catherine?"

Catherine raised her eyebrows.

"Is that how you feel about it?" she asked. "Why? I mean, it's not like you got pregnant by design, right? Oh, Sara," she shook her head, "I think you're making this more complicated than it has to be. Just talk to him. It's his baby; he's got responsibilities, now. And rights," she added pointedly. "If you're worried about his reaction, don't be. In case you haven't noticed, there's nothing Gil wouldn't do for you."

Sara smiled bitterly.

"I hate that," she said vehemently.

Catherine raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"You do? Why?"

"Because -" Sara started, then paused. She found it difficult to explain. Mostly, she felt uncomfortable, revealing her inner fears to another person.

She took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled.

"Because I don't want him to make sacrifices for me," she said at last. "I don't want him to lose what he has because of me." She looked up, "He's at a hearing right now, did you know that? Ecklie wants to suspend him."

"He won't succeed," Catherine said firmly, "Last thing I heard, personnel involved in the search were signing a petition in Gil's favor. They admit they should have listened to him from the start." She lowered her voice, "Between you and me, I think they've realized Grissom could easily sue them for not acting faster -"

"Gil would never do that."

"You know and I know, but they don't. Let's face it; if Gil had waited for them to act, you would be dead. But my point is, Ecklie won't be able to touch Gil. And even if he did, I don't think it would matter to Grissom. You're alive and that's all he cares about. He doesn't see any of this as a sacrifice; he just loves you. You don't believe he does?" Catherine asked. Then her eyes suddenly narrowed, "This isn't because of what I said about Gil and Lady Heather is it?"

"No, it's not," Sara said, smiling reluctantly, "It's not about that."

"-'Cause if it is, then I'm sorry," Catherine continued, "I mean, I went on and on about her and Gil -"

"It's not that," Sara interrupted. She paused for a moment. "I know he loves me," she said at last. "He always has. But the truth is, he doesn't need the same things that I do. I wanted a relationship; he didn't. He had lots of reasons; some of them were valid, others were not -although now I see he was right about some of them.

"But the point is, he didn't need a relationship, Catherine; he was happy with the way things were. We worked together, we met for an occasional cup of coffee or a movie -and that was enough for him. But it wasn't enough for me. And so, he… He caved in."

"And that's a problem?" Catherine asked, still without understanding.

Sara took a deep breath, "If I told him I want to have a kid, he'd probably say yes. Maybe he'd freaked out at first, but he'd eventually say yes. He'd cave in. Again. But I- I wouldn't know if that's what he really wants."

"Well... You'll never know unless you ask him," Catherine said reasonably.

"I know," Sara said. "I know I have to deal with this, and soon. I just -" She shook her head impotently. She looked up, "You must think I'm a coward."

"Since when do you care what I think?" Catherine retorted, only to soften her tone to add, "No, I don't think you're a coward. Believe me, I know how difficult this must be. But he's gonna find out sooner or later, Sara. Look. We don't know what he's gonna say but… What if he does want a child? What if you're robbing him of some happiness by not telling him?"

Sara frowned over this.

Catherine patted Sara's arm and then rose.

"Tell him," She said, "He might surprise you."

Just as she was about to reach the door, Sara called out.

"You won't tell him anything, right?"

"Oh, hell, no," Catherine said. "I won't rob you of that pleasure." Then she smiled, "I just wish I could see his face when you tell him, though. Men get all goofy-eyed when they find that their little soldiers have scored. Some guys, anyway," she added wearily as she opened the door.


TBC