Title: You Each Time 2/?
Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, past Conrad/Julia
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,748
Notes: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. This is actually going places that I never even considered when I first had this idea. In order to make it happy but still realistic I think I'd have to make it rather epic. I want to stay true to my little experiment. So, for the moment I am considering this one finished. That doesn't mean I won't ever come back to it, it just means it probably won't be anytime soon. And I think it's managed to become even more angsty. Sorry.
Something had happened. Nobody knew what, but everybody could tell that it had been bad. Heika . . . Heika was not himself. It was painfully obvious to all who knew him and even to people who had only met him once. Usually, if there were something bothering their king, Conrart would be the first to try and fix it. But this time the soldier was oddly reluctant to be around the boy.
This caused most people to draw the conclusion that whatever their king was upset about involved his loyal knight. Their relationship had never been public, but they hadn't exactly made any attempt to hide it. And their king was rather obvious about the people he liked. The boy had practically glowed the first few months they'd been together. But now he was almost lifeless, wandering the halls like a ghost, like he'd lost all will to live.
The change in Conrart was not as extreme, and many failed to notice that there was a change, but it was just as obvious to those that knew him. His smile was a little more strained and he would sometimes just stop and stare into the distance for a while. He'd thrown himself into duties. In fact, he was hardly ever seen in the castle anymore. He'd practically worn his soldiers out, taking them on extra patrols of the surrounding areas, and when he'd been forced to give them a break he'd offered to lead his brothers' patrols. Conrart was suffering too, maybe not as obviously as their king, but it was there.
Conrart was, and would always be, his student. And all of his antics aside, Gunter really did love his king, and he would do anything to make him smile again. He wasn't going to let either of them suffer. Something had to be done, and Gunter had always prided himself in being able to accommodate his king in anything he might need.
***
"Murata?"
The Great Sage looked up from the scroll he'd been studying to watch the 27th Maou of Shin Makoku furtively look around before entering the library. Only Shibuya would feel the need to sneak into his own library. The faint amusement at this thought was quickly overshadowed by concern at the lost look on his friend's face.
"Yes, Shibuya?"
The two teenagers regarded each other for a moment before the king broke eye contact and started picking at a loose thread on his uniform. It was an endearing habit; even if it tended to drive Lord Von Christ a little crazy with the thought of the Maou's outfit was not perfect.
"Um, you're the sage right?"
"Uh-huh," Murata drew out the answer slowly and raised an eyebrow at his friend's question.
Shibuya blushed cutely before he started to babble out an explanation. "I mean, if there was a way to do something, you'd know how. Right?"
"Shibuya," Murata trailed off and sighed. It would be nice if people didn't always expect him to always have an answer. Even though it was advantageous to appear omniscient, he sometimes couldn't help but fondly remember the past lives where he'd been normal. Even if he'd been extremely bored while living them. "Despite what you may think (and what other may have told you) I don't actually know everything. Although, I am flattered by the implication."
"Oh." The slight hope that had briefly sparked in Shibuya's eyes faded and he started to turn to leave. Murata sighed before he cleared his throat to get the Maou's attention. He doubted he could fix Shibuya's problem. But what sort of friend would he be if he didn't at least try?
When Shibuya turned back toward him he smiled his usual carefree smile. "But I'm certainly willing to try! Now, what do you need oh great king of mine?"
Shibuya glared at him and for one, blessed moment, things almost felt normal. Then the king looked away nervously and Murata once again felt a little helpless. "You remember all of your past lives, right?"
It wasn't, exactly, an unexpected question. Especially not with the way Sir Weller and Shibuya had been acting around each other. When they weren't blatantly avoiding each other, that is. He still couldn't help but wish that Shibuya had wanted his advice about something else. "Not all of them as clearly as others, but yes, I do remember them all."
"Oh."
Silence stretched between them once more. Murata had never minded silence, it was a rather useful tool in certain circumstances, but right now he was feeling decidedly uncomfortable.
"Shibuya-"
"Do you think there's a way to make me remember? I mean, make me remember who I used to be?"
Murata had devoted at least a decade's worth of time explaining how past lives worked and the differences between a person from one life to the next. He'd explained it to mothers watching their children reborn, to children watching their parents reborn, and to lovers watching their soulmates reborn. He'd also done a fair amount of explaining about how his reincarnations worked. He still had not found one explanation that made sense to everyone or that could lessen the pain of the person you once loved not knowing you anymore. There was a reason why most people chose to let their loved one's souls go where they would and not search for them.
"Shibuya . . . it is possible, with a bit of work, to get some memories back. But there's no way for you to be who you were in you past life. And nobody wants you to be that person."
The 27th Maou of Shin Makoku looked up with such despair in his eyes that it almost physically hurt for Murata to look at. "I can think of one person."
***
"Conrad."
The soldier stopped at the sound of his name. He was reluctant to talk to the speaker, but then again, he was reluctant to talk to pretty much anyone. And he had never been one to shirk his duties. If the Great Sage wanted to speak to him, he would not avoid it.
"Did you need something?"
The Sage was looking at him with the same look that he'd seen shown to many a diplomat before they were crushed. Conrart wondered how long it had taken to perfect that particular smile.
"Oh, not really. I was just wondering why Shibuya seems to think that becoming Julia-san will solve something." The torches sputtered and brightened briefly, glinting off the teenager's glasses in a rather sinister way.
There was nothing about the Sage that looked physically threatening, but Conrart still feared for himself anyway. The fear was not as bad, however, as the sick feeling of shame that came with hearing the accusing words.
"I . . . I don't know. It wouldn't change anything."
It wouldn't change anything. It was true. Having Julia back would not change anything. At least not for the better. Having Julia back would mean losing Yuuri. And as much as he had loved her, the thought of losing Yuuri was almost too horrible to consider. He may not love Yuuri the way the boy deserved, but he did love him.
The Sage had given up his threatening look for a more accusing one. Conrart had no doubt that the teenager could make him very miserable if he wanted to.
"Maybe you should consider telling him that."
***
It had taken Conrart quite a while to find his king. He hadn't exactly considered the idea of Yuuri avoiding him. Although he doubted the boy very much wanted to see him right now. He was being regarded with an accusatory and almost fearful look from the teenager. Bile rose in his throat as Yuuri backed away from him. Conrart would never physically hurt Yuuri, they both knew that, but emotional hurt could be just as damaging.
"Heika-"
"Don't call me that!"
Conrart's eyes widened in surprise at the outburst. Yuuri also seemed taken aback and was doing his best to look at anything that wasn't Conrart.
"Yuuri." He paused for a moment to consider exactly what he wanted to say. "Even if you could bring Julia back, that wouldn't change anything. Julia and I would never have been able to be together and I came to terms with that a long time ago. We wouldn't be able to be together now, and I don't think I'd want to be with her."
"Then why?" His king looked even more hurt now. His eyes were suspiciously bright and he started to sniffle a little. "Am I just not good enough for you? Not even as Julia-san?" Yuuri wasn't exactly sobbing now but the tears had started to escape from his rapidly blinking eyes.
Conrart stared for a moment and reminded himself that he deserved this feeling of despair that watching Yuuri cry gave him. "Yuuri, it's not that you're not good enough. If anything, I'm not good enough for you. I do love you. Very much so. More than I loved even Julia. I just . . . I loved her differently. And it's not fair to you-"
"I don't care." Yuuri's voice had hardened even though he was still silently crying. Conrart glanced at his eyes expecting to see Judgment in them and was surprised to see Yuuri's normal large, black eyes peering at him. "Can't you just pretend? You thought you loved me that way once. I don't care if it's not true. I never doubted your love for me. Can't you just pretend again?"
"If Heika so commands it."
The boy flinched back as if he'd been hit. It was a low blow, Conrart knew this, but he couldn't let Yuuri compromise himself like this. It would be better to hurt him a little now then to promise something he wasn't sure he could deliver. They both knew that the doubt was there now, and it would never go away. And if Conrart ever did come to love Yuuri the way he deserved, there was no way the king would ever believe him if they went through with this. He was surprised to see the resolve in Yuuri's eyes as his king came to a decision.
"I do."
Conrart slowly sunk to one knee and bowed low before his king. He looked up to meet the guilty and still tear-filled eyes of his liege. "Then it will be an honor to serve you, Heika."
