AN: Wow... First day posted and already two reviews! I'm so happy! Thank you 10Blue10 and bluerthanvelvet for your kind words! Kinda fun that both your names involve the word blue but never mind!

This chapter was very emotional for me to write and the last part had a lot of spelling errors at first because I was trying to write it with watery eyes and sad music.

Also a scene here that I've been wanting to write FOREVER! Ever since I saw "Let's Kill Hitler" and now my dream has come true! Happy day!

It might be a while before the next chapter is up. I was writing this fic all in one chunk and then decided to start splitting up some of the scenes into chapters. I know what I want to write for the next part all I have to do is do it.

Thank you and please review! Words mean a lot to me, be they good bad or ugly! I will do my best!


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While the law has many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others
There are no punishments for the terrors we inflict on ourselves

~ Red vs. Blue season six


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It was a very twisty-turny walk and Vastra could only assume the Doctor had programed this. It wasn't a good sign when the Doctor didn't want to be found. The TARDIS was being nothing but helpful, moving hallways around, keeping up the trail of lights. The room she finally found him in was a fully furnished bedroom. It wasn't his, she'd seen that tiny cubbyhole he liked to curl up in when he deigned to sleep. This regeneration must have imprinted on a cat before setting eyes on Amelia. The last regeneration she had seen him in, his seventh, had preferred a hammock attached to bungee cords with a cot underneath for when he finally fell out. He'd been a bit of an odd one, all contradictions. It was a wonder that pretty little ward of his survived him long enough to get to Gallifrey at all...

This was a marital chamber, filled with the scents and memories of a life not alone. It was dark and even with her excellent night vision it was difficult to make out details.

"Doctor." She said, quietly but firmly. There was no answer, but she didn't really expect one. A lamp sitting on a bed side table lit up, although the light remained dim. He was sitting on the floor, looking like he hadn't moved in days. And considering the way the rooms were designed and the relativity of time in those rooms, maybe it had been days. Maybe it had been longer. Vastra's nostrils flared and she opened her mouth, curling her tongue, tasting the scents in the room, reading a story from it. The story of the Doctor and River Song.

The Doctor slept here, when he had to. But there was more to it than that. His mate needed to sleep more often and during those times he would lie next to her, curled around her. Until she fell asleep and sometimes long after, just watching. When an adventure went a bit wrong he bandaged her up here, healed her here, lecturing all the while about being careful and not wandering off. She wrote up reports here. Did research here. Laughed and cried here. He laughed and cried here. Divulged his secrets here. Gave more of himself here than he had probably ever given to anyone. Even her. Their scents mixed and clashed and complimented here. Pheromones and hormones and biochemicals that said claimed and satisfied. This is mine. My mate. My territory. My nest. Mine.

Overlaid all of that now was the reek of his sorrows, tainting the memories of what was. He had given her up here. Had held her for the last time here. Kissed her for the last time here. Wept here after she had gone. Her scent was starting to fade away.

Stepping into that room she felt like she was intruding. One step, then two and she was inside the doorway. He was leaning against the bed, his long legs splayed out in front of him, jacket missing. He was too thin and a complete and utter mess staring blankly at the floor in front of himself, not seeing any of it.

"Doctor." She said again, a little louder this time. He didn't move, didn't acknowledge her. He had gone to that place in his mind he had escaped to after the war. He had apparently spent weeks catatonic from that and she was worried that he had done the same now. She wasn't the type to jump, but her head reared back slightly, eyes widening and nostrils flaring when he suddenly spoke.

"I knew." He said, his voice gravely from tears and disuse. She cocked her head to the side quizzically but didn't answer. The corner of his mouth twitched up and he huffed in bitter amusement.

"I've always known. Our entire relationship I've always known. From the very day she was born I knew. River Song. Melody Pond. The mystery woman. She always seemed to know everything and was always so smug about it. Always having one up on the old Doctor. Didn't matter how long I knew her. Didn't matter if it was when she knew me more or when I knew her more. She always knew at least one thing more that I didn't. Except for this. I win. I knew."

"Knew what?" Vastra asked, interrupting his flow. He tilted his head slightly, just enough to roll his eyes up at her, that strange bitter smile still curving his lips.

"I knew that she would die..." He murmured, "The very first time I met her... I broke her heart... And then she died... And in those last few moments she knew. She knew that I knew. That I had always known." His head tilted back then until it was leaning against the edge of the bed and he was staring up at the ceiling, "I wonder if she hated me then..."

"Well, she was always talking about how much she hated you for most of your acquaintance and you never believed her then, what could possibly give you the idea she means it now?" Vastra snapped, her patience with him coming to an end. A half-shrug was her answer and she growled.

"All right. That's enough of that." She muttered, gliding into the room to crouch between his legs, her skirts billowing around her. She grabbed his chin and forced him to meet her eyes. He looked even more terrible up close and smelled even worse. Tears and pain and torment, he'd forced himself to relive every single moment of their relationship. She had always known he was good at self-flagellation, ripping himself open over every wrong he committed, on purpose or accidental. This was the real reason why the Doctor could never be left alone. He was a danger to himself.

"When has she ever given you reason to doubt the truth of her heart? When has she ever betrayed you in any way that mattered? I'm not speaking of little betrayals, all married couples do those, even me. When has she ever betrayed your love?" She asked, seriously. His eyes were hazy and she wondered again how long he had been sitting by himself, alone in the dark, before the TARDIS had taken matters into her own incorporeal hands.

His chin wobbled and he opened his mouth but no sound came out so he said nothing. It was answer enough. Vastra sighed and grabbed his arm, lifting him far too easily to his feet.

"Doctor, my friend, I forcibly invite you to stay with Jenny and I for as long as you have need of us. As your friend I am inviting you, as your comrade I am ordering you and as head of my houseI am forcing you. You don't have any choice in this matter, I've taken those from you. If you protest then I will knock you so hard you will be nothing more than an intelligent piece of fruit of my choosing. Perhaps a pear. So you might as well give in and let us take care of you." Vastra was usually a creature of few words, but she felt the sudden need to fill the silence with noise. To steamroll over his opinions. To take away his choices. He wasn't taking care of himself, had made himself rather sick and weak in fact. He didn't deserve choices.

His lack of answer was answer enough and his arm around her shoulders as he leaned against her spoke volumes.

It was only a short hallway that separated them from the Console room and Vastra was grateful. He had apparently been sitting for a very long time and his legs were all weak and wobbly. As they were passing the console he suddenly stiffened in her arms and froze.

"Doctor?" She asked, concerned. He straightened and seemed to be staring at nothing, his pupils dilated and face completely blank but for his rapid breathing. Abruptly he pushed her away, almost flinging himself at the console, his fingers flying across the controls.

"Doctor?!" For a moment she thought he had finally gone mad. Really and truly mad. She felt a sudden fear inside that when he turned back to her he wouldn't be the Doctor anymore. Just the Valeyard full of hate and rage and need. She approached him as he leaned heavily against the controls, looking around the room as if drinking it in.

"Doctor?" She asked, gently putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Need a change, need something different, this place is gone now, too bright too open too Pond. Pondpondpond." He slowly lowered his head into his arms, "Amelia. Amelia. This room was for you. She made it all for you, little girl, all whimsey and bright for a little girl's mind. Amelia Pond like a fairytale. All brass knobs and colors like a Dr. Suess book and it's Barcelona all over again..."

"Desktop Control Panel activated. Are you sure you wish to proceed?" The voice interface asked and the Doctor made a sound halfway between a scream and a groan.

"Not that voice, I hate that voice, I told you to give me someone I actually like!" His shout was muffled by his arm.

"Desktop contro-" The interface began in a little girl's voice.

"That one won't work anymore! None of them! I've lost all of them and none of them will work anymore! All those voices and there isn't one I haven't FUCKED over!"

"Doctor!" Vastra gasped sharply at the harshness of his voice, the dark grating quality of his words. And the fact that he actually used such obscene language.

"Desktop Control Panel activated, luv. Are you sure you wish to proceed?" It was a woman's voice. Motherly with a rather put out quality. Cockney-ed and low born. Almost more cockney then Jenny. The flickering holographic image nearby showed a woman in her early forties with bleach blond hair in a bouncy ponytail wearing a light blue tracksuit. She was wearing a bit too much make-up and large hoop earrings but there was something lovely about her. Determination to pull through no matter what. A fierce pride that only the lowest of the low had because they had nothing else and that pride made them all the stronger for it.

The Doctor lifted his head to stare at the image and he snorted. Then laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh, but it wasn't entirely a bad laugh either.

"Jackie Tyler..." He murmured, "I guess there was one person after all..."

"Now you listen here, dearie, because I haven't got all day you know." The interface snapped grumpily.

"Of course you don't..." The Doctor answered, staring at her almost hungrily, "Jackie Tyler, off to do god knows what to lord knows whom because who knows why and I pray for the unfortunate souls who get in her way. Tylers and Smiths this universe is poorer without them."

"You makin' a decision or should I do it for you?" The interface answered.

"Doctor... Dare I ask who she is?" Vastra asked, "She doesn't seem like the type of person you would normally bring on board."

"Eh, I guess you could call her an angry mother-in-law in the loosest definitions of 'mother' and 'in-law'. Accidentally kidnapped her. Thought I was a dirty old man. Long story. Anyway!" He straightened up and swayed dangerously, "Base setting on 'default number eleven' I'll trust you with the rest, dear."

"All right, but I hope you know what it is you're askin'." The interface answered, "Because once it's changed you can't go changin' it again right away and I'll have no complaints from you mister."

"Of course..." He paused, just staring around him, his face seeming to crumple once again, "I... I trust you will always do what's best for me... I..."

"I never regretted it, Doctor..." The voice was the same, so were the inflections, but the tone was different. Softer. Gentler. The Doctor seemed to freeze all over.

"...Jackie..?" He whispered.

"You changed her. For the better. And you changed me. Bless it, but all the fear you put me through I knew it was for the best. And that's probably what they all think at the end of it. So's I'm gonna say it because they probably never get the chance to because you're daft an' all an' never listen when we say it to your face. Stupid alien git."

"Vastra, get me out of here." The Doctor whispered, his face chalk white, "I can't listen to this right now... I can't... I..." She grabbed his arm, wrapped it around her shoulders, and dragged him out of the TARDIS as fast as she could.


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Vastra was well aware the many humanoid species could go into shock. An overflow of traumatizing information to the brain and everything would shut down for awhile. Silurians never did and she never really looked into why. The Doctor had tried to explain that it was something to do with brain chemicals and adrenaline but she had never really cared. Another difference between mammals and reptiles. For the longest time Vastra believed that Time Lords didn't either. That their minds, which processed information in nanoseconds, wouldn't have time to go into shock before they had already digested the information and moved on.

The first time Jenny had gone into shock had been frightening. She had gone pale and her eyes had gone wide and for a moment she thought Jenny would faint. She had shivered and cried. Her hands shook. She had hyperventilated until she was almost sick. Since then Vastra had studied humans closer, trying to understand why hers had behaved the way she had. There were many symptoms to shock. As she got to know the Doctor better, as he told her more about Gallifrey and the history of his race the differences between Humans and Gallifreyans chasmed. The Doctor had never seemed more alien.

As soon as she had gotten him settled into the loveseat he seemed to shut down. His eyes, usually varying shades of green, went muddy and dark. His expression vanished. All sense of humanity and emotion went away. He was blank.

"Doctor?" She asked softly, crouching on the floor in front of him. She gently pressed a palm to his cheek until he met her eyes. It was like watching someone trapped behind a layer of ice, little flickers and flashes of him there. It made her feel better. The trauma of his losses had finally proven too much, and in the company of those he could trust, he had allowed himself to shut down. He was allowed that, at least for a little while.

"There you are..." She murmured, smiling as he leaned into her hand. His eyes fluttered shut and a small distressed sound escaped this throat.

"It's alright..." She whispered, leaning forward to nuzzle his forehead and cheeks, letting him lean into her hands, "We're going to take care of you... Wherever your mind has gone... Don't worry. Just rest... I've got you..."

They sat like that until Jenny's concerned murmur came from the doorway. Just a slight tilt of her head and her human was there, wedging herself next to him, wrapping an arm around his head and pressing it to her chest.

"What's wrong Doctor? What happened?" Jenny looked around as if expecting to see others, "Where is-"

"They're gone my dear." Vastra gently interrupted, "All of them..."

"What?" Jenny breathed, "Everyone?"

"Out of all of those he kept in contact with, we're the only ones left now... I don't know how it happened or why... But we're the only ones he has left..."

"Oh..." Jenny murmured. There was silence for a moment until the first little gasping sob. Vastra looked up, expecting green eyes to finally be giving into the pain. She wasn't expecting Jenny, her proper human mate with her oh so Victorian controlled emotions, to be crying. Tears rolled openly down her face and she curled around the Doctor tighter.

"Jenny..." Vastra whispered.

"It's alright, Doctor..." Jenny hiccuped, "It's alright to cry... There's no shame in crying when you're sad... Everyone cries... Even if you don't have tears you can still cry..." Another sob, "You try so hard to appear human when you're not... Being human is hard, I should know... You don't have to pretend anymore... You don't have to hide... It's alright... I'm the only human in this house so you don't have to worry about anything... Let me be human for you..." It was then Vastra realized that Jenny had one of her hands pressed against the Doctor's temple, forcing her body to react to the amount of emotion he was trying to escape from.

"Jenny, stop." Vastra said gently, trying to pry her hand away. She shook her head. The Doctor had closed his eyes and was leaning into her and Jenny was settling into him, wrapping him up in a tangle of arms, legs and skirts..

"You're going to hurt yourself." Vastra protested.

"Telepathic species..." Jenny said, "...They... They connect through a giant web... They feel each other's pain, share each other's pain... So that one isn't overwhelmed by everything alone... But there's no one to share with... The closest beings are the Ood and they don't understand... They'd be able to numb it for awhile but that won't help... There's no one left to cry for him... Someone needs to cry for him..." For the first time in a long time Vastra felt helpless. She had forgotten that while humans weren't telepathic they were, sometimes, empathic. They reacted so strongly to the pain of others it was almost as if they felt that pain themselves.

When Vastra had first allowed herself to trust Jenny fully, her little human had cried. She had cried for Vastra's sisters. She had cried for the workers. She had cried for Vastra. Now she was doing the same for the Doctor.

But the Doctor had centuries worth of sadness stored up inside of him, aching lonely years, kept at bay by distraction after distraction while inside he was screaming as loud as he could with no one to hear him. She only hoped that Jenny's tears would be enough to take, at least a little bit for a little while, of that burden away.