A/N: OK, so apparently Rhulain has friends who think it's hilarious to change all the usernames to all my accounts when they come over...? I apologize sincerely for the random sporadic name change. Appropriate persons have been singled out and beaten up (:P JK!), so hopefully it will never occur again...and I will also never make the mistake of staying logged in again.


I'm sure you've all been wondering why recent signs have been appearing over our public toilets. I suppose you ought to be told the reason why. The public deserves to know.

Tsudane ordered Team 7 off on an assassination mission, the first of that kind. Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto were to find and assassinate one Chuck Norris. He was dangerous, or so Tsudane said, because he had THE POWER (DON'T mess with Chuck Norris. EVER. It's bad news - you generally end up DEAD.) Anyway, Team 7 really wanted to get going on this.

"YOSH! Let's GO, dattebayo!" said Naruto.

"Slow up, dobe," said Sasuke. "We've got to make a plan. Apparently this Chuck Norris guy can't just be sneaked up on."

"SNEAKED UP ON??" squealed Sakura in her mind. "OMG, Sasuke uses BAD GRAMMAR! SO BADASS!!"

(And all the Konoha girls walked around squealing "sneaked up on!" for the rest of the fiscal year.)

"Knock. It. Off," growled Sasuke. "Or so help me I will go find Orochimaru, the Dark Side, Darth Vader, and the cookies."

"Well, where is he right now?" asked Naruto.

"Who?" asked Sakura.

"This Norris guy," said Naruto.

"How am I supposed to know?" snapped Sakura.

Sasuke, meanwhile, was thinking. Hard. This Chuck Norris dude sounds like a tough one. Since I have to get to the top to become better than Itachi, I'm sure this Chuck is someone I have to defeat. He made a fist. I WILL defeat Chuck!

"Um, Sasuke-kun?" Great, his fangirl was interrupting him. Time for his all-purpose frigid terse reply.

"Hnn?"

" Why are you making the black power fist?"

He looked at his clenched fist. "No reason..."

Unfortunately, Naruto had been thinking, too. The pain was about to begin. "The guy we've got to find is named Chuck. Chuck Norris. Hey, doesn't Chuck sound like 'woodchuck'? Hey, Sasuke, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodcluck moud tuck...darn it, I got it wrong again!"

"Try: How much could a woodchuck chuck if luck..." said Sakura.

"Try: How long will Team 7 last if our luck runs out and we don't find Chuck?" growled Sasuke. Sakura and Naruto exchanged glances.

"Let's go!" said Naruto, and they shrugged off Sasuke's snappishness as being a random, isolated OOC moment. Which it was not. As we shall soon discover.

So Team 7 set out to find Chuck Norris. They spied here, they spied there, Team 7 went spying everywhere! And being Team 7, of course, Naruto had to flaunt his stupidity for the general public.

"Hey, Sasuke!"

"WHAT?"

"I spy with my little eye a really ticked off, stuck-up, blue-"

"It's me."

"How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess."

"OK. Um…I spy with my little eye a chicken's butt haird-"

"It's me."

"Man, you're good. Let's see…I spy with my little eye a black-"

"It's me."

"Why does this sound almost like a transcript about that movie with the fish in it?" demanded Sakura. Sasuke swore internally – for once, he would have been glad if Sakura had hit Naruto over the head. SHUT. HIM. UP.

"GEEZ! OK, once more. I spy with my little eye-"

"It's me."

"NO. It's SAKURA, you teme!"

"I spy with my little eye a little booger cruising for a bruising if he doesn't shut up and start searching for this Chuck guy!" shouted Sakura, her loathing of Naruto finally kicking in.

"OK! OK! Sheesh."

"Hey, Sasuke-kun?" called Sakura. Oh great, now she was gonna try to suck up to him. "I found this newspaper that says something about Chuck Norris."

That got our emo prodigy's attention. "Hnn?"

"He apparently kicked this guy called 'Voldemort''s butt."

Sasuke snatched the paper. "Let me see." He thought again. "This guy called 'Voldemort'…I'll have to beat him, too! If Chuck can defeat him, I MUST defeat him! I shall prove myself a true Uchiha by destroying both this Voldemort AND this Chuck!"

"Um, Sasuke-kun?"

"Hnn?"

"You're making the BPF again…"

So, by now, you're probably wondering what Team 7, Voldemort, Chuck Norris, and an assassination mission all have to do with these signs that have recently been appearing over public toilets. Well, be patient: we're almost there. So, Team 7 is looking for Chuck Norris, but having a lot of bad luck. So finally Sasuke strikes upon a brilliant idea, something he thinks will get Voldemort AND Chuck Norris into the same spot.

"It's simple. We hide in the toilet," said Sasuke.

"NANI?" said Naruto.

"It's BRILLIANT!" Sakura cried. WTF?! her inner self screamed.

"This way," said Sasuke, "when this Chuck comes, we will have him at a disadvantage. When he opens the door, he will be in a narrow space, and we can kill without mercy!"

The crickets were chirping.

"Wow," said Naruto, displaying heretofore undetected wit, albeit shallow, "that's got to be the most Sasuke's ever said in one go."

Sakura had stars in her eyes. "Sasuke, you're such a ruthless ninja!" He can go ahead and do it, leave ME out of this! her inner self shouted.

"So it's settled" said Sasuke. "Naruto, come with me. Sakura – the girls' room."

"NANI?" said Sakura. "I thought that our target was a guy!"

Sasuke's face was completely straight. And serious. "He might be a cross-dresser, we never know. This is a mission, remember!"

"YOSH!" cried Naruto, motivated by Sasuke's not-so-peppy attempt at a pep rally speech. "We will stoop as low as getting into toilets to fulfill our missions for Konoha!"

*Neji randomly appears*

Neji: You do it for the money, you dope.

*Neji randomly disappears*

"Oh, right…"

Sasuke was getting impatient. "Well, whether we're getting into the toilet for ambition, revenge, assassination, or money, let's go!"

So poor Naruto was coerced by a power-stricken Sasuke to go hide in a men's toilet. Meanwhile, Sakura skipped outside and played in the grass, unaware of the dangers that lurked there, a.k.a. RABID SQUIRRELS OF DOOM!!!

So Naruto and Sasuke were hiding in a toilet, waiting for Chuck to arrive…maybe…

The top of Sasuke's head emerged above the rim of the toilet.

"Naruto, there's someone coming." The water in the toilet bubbled as he spoke.

"Where?" demanded Naruto.

Unfortunately, these toilets are autoflushing, and Naruto's got a big head. So when he popped over the rim, the little light blinked, registering that someone was moving. And the toilet in a supposedly empty stall flushed, sending its occupants round and round.

"AIAIAIAIAIAIAI!"

"ACK!"

When the toilet finally stopped, both Naruto and Sasuke were hung over the edge of the bowl like washing hung to dry. Unfortunately, that was the moment when Han Solo decided to step into the stall to see what was going on.

"Why are there ninja in the toilet bowl?" demanded the suspicious smuggler.

Sasuke shook his soaking hair and activated his Sharingan. "FIGHT ME, LORD VOLDEMORT!" he roared.

"You mean Vader?" asked a completely clueless Han Solo.

"And kill Orochimaru while you're at it!" added a knocked-out Naruto. "More ramen, please?"

So when the chaos finally settled, during which Chewbacca and Crookshanks between them almost managed to rip Sasuke's arm off and Shino almost got away in the Millenium Falcon, Ichigo Kurosaki came up with a solution.

"Hey, let's stick signs over the toilets so unsuspecting fantasy characters won't DIE when they gotta go!"

Ishida Uryu pushed his glasses up his nose. "Imagine that. That's the most brilliant idea you've come up with, Kurosaki."

" Hey! Stop using MY voice!!" * yelled Sasuke, who was pissed in general at the world because Chuck Norris had never shown up.

"Hey, everyone!" said Ron Weasley. "I got free tickets to Disneyworld!!"

"Who from?" asked Harry.

"The MAGICAL MERMAID!" yelled Ron.

Naruto jammed Mickey Mouse ears on his head. "Meesa JaJa Nar-uto!"

Sick of it all, Sasuke stalked off to the emo corner muttering dark threats against Orochimaru, Darth Vader, Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, Voldemort, the Soul Reapers in general, and of course, Chuck Norris.

Oh, yes, and Chuck Norris showed up at Thunder Mountain while everyone was in Disneyworld and thumped Sasuke's stuck-up butt for him, which really improved matters. NOT.

And that's why the UFFCI (Union of Fantasy and Fictional Characters International) has installed signs over every public toilet, saying:

CAUTION: FLUSH BEFORE USING, BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE A NINJA HIDING IN YOUR TOILET.

This has been the end of the Sasuke Report, brought to you live from Konoha RABID Studios! We get the scoop on EVERY story! Bye bye!


Next shot on the Sasuke Report:

And thus, believing Tenten's bathroom window to be Itachi, he smashed it in and fell into Tenten's bathtub, which fortunately, she was not in. Neji would have skinned that man alive if this was so.


lol I got this random sign idea and suddenly this stupid story popped into my head...lol I can JUST see Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all hiding in a toilet and Naruto going up too high so that the autoflush activates... ROTF

*(a/n: for those of you that don't know, the same seiyu is used for Sasuke as for Ishida Uryu.)