Reaching for The Beatific

Book 1: The Styx

Prologue: Disappearer

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, although I sure wish I did.

A/N: Sorry for the late update, it's been a hell of a month. I finally got around finishing this chapter and updating it in a stroke of inspiration. I have autumn break, and with the knowledge the next three weeks will be busy too, I'll try to make it up with part three of the prologue this week! Love you all :)

II

I can't fight if the odds are against me

20th of August 1999

He had woken in a state that wasn't like his own and he had tried to understand this sudden change, but he couldn't touch it. It was like these ants were stuck under his skin and were trying to break out, a nearly indescribable feeling of being on your edge, when everything annoys you, which results in your whole body itching.

Maybe you could describe it as a volcano almost erupting.

Draco hadn't felt like this in a very long time, and he couldn't put his finger on the culprit who did this to him. The sun was coming through the window and was shining in his eyes as he was furiously typing on his typewriter, ticking away, forming pretty words in his head, trying to get rid of the horrible state; a state that was only added on top of his big feeling of guilt and boredom.

Draco was quite done with everything and everyone that surrounded him. Still he felt like he shouldn't complain- he was wealthy, didn't have to work and he had good friends on whom he could count. He was just sick of his bad image, his fucked-up parents and the boredom that ruled his life.

He had tried to be a writer last year, writing about his awful experiences as a forced Death-Eater, hoping that with that, his bad past would be cleared. It wasn't as easy as he convinced himself it would be, and somewhere along he had realized that maybe he should just accept his past and don't care what other people thought.

But that didn't work out- he was quite sensitive about dirty looks and awful words behind his back, making the guilt come back. It felt like everyday he was tortured by his own conscience and it made him wonder how long he could go on at this pace. Change what was he need, change in environment, people and state of mind.

He wondered what the satisfactory change would be, and when it would represent itself, because he wasn't talking about isolation; he was talking about achieving something. Something, anything, that would yank him out of this room, make him run with passion, kneel and shiver in passion. Something that would make him have to fight for once.

But the odds were against him, because he had duties towards his friends and Mother, and he couldn't leave him behind, and they would never understand his needs. So his fingers simply kept typing in an almost desperate way, wanting to get rid of his entire fucked-up mind on the paper.

"And when I turned around to look, a natural movement according to the law of the understanding brain, the men had turned around too, and my brain didn't understand anymore for a split second, as the fist of the ugly one connected with my jaw, and I turned in the air, and fell face-forward on the ground. The wheels of my brain started a hopeless attempt to start turning again, even attempting to start spinning from adrenaline for all that it did matter, but it was too late. The adrenaline didn't come, no fighting spirit to hang on to, because I felt forces kick in my gut sooner than I expected, and all desire to live made its way up my throat. I think I threw my brain up, then and there, in the knockturn alley of the best night of my life."

Draco suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, and in partly surprise and partly anger, he spun in his chair with an angry groan. Without looking at the person who touched him, he snapped, "What the fuck are you thinking, disturbing me!"

When he finally focused his gaze, he saw the big frightened eyes of the witch he had took home the night before. Fresh guilt buzzed in his veins and a deep sigh escape his lips, "Oh fuck, I'm sorry, that was . . . inappropriate, I was busy with important business."

At his semi-apology, she seemed to awaken from her fright, and with her chin up in the air and the narrowing of her big brown eyes, her demeanor changed in her normal one, "It's fine, Draco, I'm alright with leaving you to your more important business."

He tried to grab her hand, a headache already forming, but with a spin and a few steps, the sound of the door getting smashed into the doorpost, echoed through the room.

He fell backwards in his seat with another sigh. The silence hadn't passed over him for only a couple seconds, when he heard the front door opening again. With an irritated groan he sat up straight again, only sinking back in the soft leather when he saw it was his flat-mate, the infamous womanizer Blaise Zabini.

Blaise was looking at him with a smirk, arms crossed and hip outwards. The Italian was barely seconds in the room, and he was already annoying and grinding on Draco's nerves with his confusing and incomprehensible behaviour, which made him snap, "What are you smirking at!"

Blaise's smirk just widened into a toothy smile, and then in a hearty laugh.

"For fuck's sake Blaise, why are you standing there like that?"

Blaise had stopped laughing out loud, blinking away the tears that had formed in the corners of his eyes, and he waved it off with a gesture and just smirked. That just annoyed Draco even further, if that was even possible, but realizing there was no point to ask, he tried to calm himself by combing one hand through his hair before asking, "Where have you been anyways? We are out of coffee."

Blaise shrugged off his coat and hang it on the hallstand, shaking his head lightly again before answering, "It's Sunday morning, Draco, I was out with friends. And about that coffee," he reached out for the plastic bag that stood by his feet, and held it triumphantly into the air, "I had bought some, along with other things, on my way home."

Draco couldn't hide his surprise at his best friend's thoughtfulness; it wasn't often it seemed like he did anything other than going out, drink and annoy him. Draco nodded, "Thank you, then."

He stood up and followed Blaise into the kitchen, taking the coffee from his friend and began to prepare two cups of strong black coffee. Blaise turned to him, clearing his throat to catch his attention. When Draco turned his head with an eyebrow raised in curiosity of what the Italian had to say, he found that the Italian had crossed his arms and that he looked, actually serious.

"We're coming together tonight at the restaurant Pansy loves; I would like it if you would come too, because I have something to tell you all."

Draco nodded, "Of course, I'll skip dinner at my Mother's and only stay there for afternoon tea, no problem."

Blaise gave him a smile, "Thank you," and then with a knowing glance and a smirk, "and be there at eight."

Draco handed him his cup of coffee, and said laughing, "Of course, Mother."

As always with his best friend and himself, the air was cleared in only a matter of seconds and their banter kicked in.

-XXXXXXXXX-

Whenever Draco crawled out of his hole -his apartment-, it was either for groceries or for visiting his Mother, but never happily. He used to enjoy being outside, taking a stroll, greeting people, but everything had changed when Voldemort returned, and it had only gotten worse for 'the likes of him' after the war.

People were afraid of him, thought he was a monster, or people hated him with a passion and spit and scorned at him, and there had been incidents of abuse in the past. But how unpleasant going outside could be, he couldn't just leave London behind, because of his poor Mother and his friends.

Now he stood before the grand doors of the Manor, hesitating- he could turn and leave, or knock. The decision was easier than expected, and his hand banged firmly two times on the door.

His Mother herself, to his surprise, was who opened the door open, and not yet come to he was crushed into a tight hug. She smelled just the same as in his memories; like her signature expensive perfume and her own defining smell, which he couldn't describe, but was just his Mother's.

When she finally released him, he gave her a warm smile, "How are you doing, Mother?"

Narcissa rolled her eyes and replied, "That depends on how you are doing, you know that."

She grabbed him by the hand and they walked through the foyer and passed many doors, before arriving in front of the tea room's door. He caught his Mother's arm with his other hand and forced her to stop in front of the door, resulting in her frowning down on him.

"What's the matter, Draco?"

"How are you, really?" Worry etched his voice, but he knew his Mother could at least appreciate his concern, although maybe not being able to answer it.

Her voice was colder than before when she said, "I'm fine, under circumstances.", her eyes showed melancholy, but behind that her dark cloudy eyes still held some happiness for simply being in her Son's company.

"Don't hesitate to accept help when this house grows to cold and lonely. I love you, Mother." He momentarily tightened the grip on his Mother's hand, and gave her a sad smile.

She gave him one too, kissed his forehead firmly, and gave him another bone-crushing hug, her scent washing over him again.

"I love you too, so so much, Draco!"

She released him and wiped the tears away which were lingering in the corners of her eyes with her little pink. She exhaled loudly and shook her head, "Enough of this! Let's drink some tea and talk about more important matters." She let go of his hand, put a small hand on his shoulder, and lead him into the tearoom.

Although they chatted happily, albeit carefully not to branch any sensitive matters again, and spent a lovely time together, he hadn't been able to shake off the shadow of his Father, which was lurking in every word she said, every smile and every breath that she drew in her lungs, all through their afternoon.

If only he could take her away from this cursed Manor, his cursed Father. If only they were able to let it all slide.

But he knew deep down, they weren't able to, ever.

And when he hugged her for the last time outside of the door, he wanted to set that whole house on fire, then fly to Azkaban to kill his Father, and then maybe kill himself too.

But he remained Draco Malfoy, a coward who loved his Mother too much to put any of those ideas in action, and so he apparated outside of the restaurant where his friends would be waiting for him.

-XXXXXXXXX-

The restaurant was hot and stuffy, and he was sure he already drank a liter of water before a sweaty waiter came with champagne after desert and Blaise, Theodore and Pansy stood up, each holding a flute already.

Pansy was holding Theo's hand and a huge smile was plastered on her face, and Blaise had a glint of mischief in his eyes; Draco couldn't help but notice his interest was piqued.

"We brought you all here because we have a proposition for you all." Blaise's excitement sounded through his voice and Astoria and Daphne, who were still seated, threw him questioning glares; he answered them with a raise of his shoulders.

"Theo and Pansy came to me a month ago with the news they were moving to Rome, to study Politics together. They knew it was one of my dreams to go to college in Rome, and wanted me to go with them. I'm going to apply tomorrow, but before I do that, I have a question for you all; how would you like to go to college in Rome with us?"

Draco found himself blinking in surprise at Blaise's proposition. Going to Rome would be the perfect twist in his life and he couldn't just say no without considering this amazing opportunity first.

He looked over at Daphne and Astoria; the two sisters were already excited and discussing plans, it was obvious they were going.

With a pang he realized that if he didn't go to, he would be the only one left here in London. Blaise shoved a champagne flute in his hand and asked with an annoying grin, "What do you think? Want to join us?"

Draco swallowed, "Do you mind if I sleep over it one night? This is a big decision to make in only seconds."

Blaise frowned, "I understand it, but I'm telling you; don't let your Mother dictate your life this much. This is a golden opportunity and you know it."

Draco sighed at his best friend's painfully awkward observation of his resentment and took a large gulp of his champagne, ending the conversation by shifting his gaze and looking out of the window, too tired to continue it.

The sounds of Pansy's shrill laugh and the sister's squealing reached his ears and he tried hard to suppress them. Deep down he knew that he hadn't much choice than to accept. This was a golden opportunity, a chance to finally turn the ink black page in his life and begin anew.

The only sacrifice he had to make was the company of his Mother, but truth be told, his Mother's company was a bigger strain on him than he wanted to admit, and so the choice was- quicker and easier than expected- made, and when he was home, he wrote the dreaded letter to his Mother.

Dear Mother,

I have exciting news for you, but I'm afraid it isn't exciting for our relationship.

My friends and I have made plans for college in Rome this evening, and I'm already applying tomorrow. I know this is very quick and hasted, but trust me when I say I thought well and hard about this.

I'm going for English Literature and maybe Politics, and I hope I will be accepted and can start in September.

This is a golden opportunity and I can't waste it. I'm ready to turn this page in my life, and start anew.

You know as well as I do how much I wanted that.

I hope you support my choice and wish me the best of luck.

I love you,

Your Son, Draco

Nerves and insecurity, but also excitement, buzzing in his veins, he sent off the owl and sent himself off to bed.

He dreamed of Jupiter visiting his Father in Azkaban and hitting him with his lightning bolt, before joining his two Brothers on a broomstick to fly back to his temple in Rome. The wind that was blowing through Jupiter's platinum hair sounded an awful lot like Pansy's laughter.

-XXXXXXXXX-

A/N: Please review; I need a drive to write that part three ;)
A thank you in advance,
Hannah