Yay for chapter 2! I have some sick idea's for this, and I have a feeling I'll keep writing even if you all hate it. Reviews would be amazing guys


Between me being completely out of it, and my only company being a blind girl, it took us a while to find our way out of the alley. We walked silently for a long time before I finally saw streetlights, and heard the sound of passing cars. I glanced over at Lou, willing my brain to focus on her instead of the intense rush I was now fighting. My vision blurred in and out of focus as I watched her effortlessly guide her way towards the street. I wish I'd never done that coke. If I were only drunk I could have handled this, but I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't believe that out of both of us, I was the more vulnerable one.

"Are you okay Kendall, you sound like you're about to pass out?" She asked with a hint of humor in her voice. I hadn't noticed how ragged me breathing had become, and now that she'd mentioned it, I did feel like I was going to pass out. She must be a pretty tough chick considering she was just held at knifepoint, and her only protection now was completely unstable, if she still found any part of this situation funny.

"I'm fine. I'll find you a cab." We'd just reached the end of the alley, but the street seemed deserted. I was kidding myself if I thought we were going to find a cab around here.

"I was actually about to call my friend for a ride home, but that jerk took my phone. And all of my cash." She looked concerned now. I would be too, if all I had to rely on was me. I mentally kicked myself again for taking that coke, and racked my brain for an answer. My heart was beating uncontrollably and my head was spinning, my only option was Carlos. After several failed attempts I finally managed to dial Carlos's number and shakily held the phone to my ear, my breathing even worse than before.

"Kendall seriously, you sound like you're dying!" Lou asked clutching her bag to her chest. Before I had time to reply, Carlos answered.

"Kendall! Seriously, where the fuck are you!?" He sounded even more furious now, his voice raspy like he'd just been asleep. My vision clouded again and I broke out in a sweat, I felt like my blood was boiling. I couldn't take it anymore, I dropped to my knees and felt myself slipping away. I was used to the feeling of fainting. The way you feel like you're about to die, yet you couldn't be happier about it. So many times I wished it was real, but I always opened my eyes at some point

"The usual place. Come quick…" Was all I could get out before everything went dark.


I could hear her screaming. I was running through the alley towards the sound. For the first time in months my head was clear, I could see where I was going and my legs were actually working. It felt liberating. I felt like me again. Then I saw her on the ground. She was on her knees crying, her face in her hands. I tried to ask her what was wrong, but no sound came out of me. I was just watching. That was when I noticed her hands were wet with blood, and so were the ends of her blonde hair. They almost looked black in the moonlight. She looked up at me, and my body convulsed under her gaze. Her face was soaked with blood, and where her eyes should be were empty sockets, as hollow and as black as the blood oozing out of them.

I sat bolt upright, my heart pounding out of my chest and my body soaked with sweat. What the fuck had I dreamt? Doing coke usually brought on some messed up dreams, but none like this. I was shaking all over. I glanced around and noticed I was at Carlos'. Thank god for him. I felt sick to think of what I must have looked like last night when he found me. My mind went instantly to Elouise. What had happened to her? I checked the room again, but she wasn't here, not that I was surprised. I bet all girls relish the idea of staying in a stranger's house while his waster friend lies passed out on the couch, let alone a blind one. I instantly hated myself. If I weren't in such a state, last night would have gone very differently. I would have kicked that low life's ass, put her into a cab and she would have been fine, instead that poor girl had to stand there, alone and scared, while I lay unconscious at her feet. I made myself sick. In fact I was going to be sick. I rushed through the living room and threw myself through the door of the bathroom. I'd barely fallen to my knees when my already empty stomach emptied further into the toilet. Nothing came out of me, fluid and bile burned at the back of my throat. I tried to remember the last time I'd eaten anything, but I couldn't. My whole life was becoming one huge blur, and I hated it. The retching finally stopped and I propped myself up against the wall, not trusting my weak body enough to get to my feet. A moment later I heard the door open, and Carlos step inside. I felt too ashamed to look him in the eye, so I just rested my elbows on my knees and looked at the ground.

"Have fun last night?" His voice was venomous. I didn't think it was possible, but he made me feel worse than I already did. I couldn't answer him. I closed my eyes tightly and willed myself not to cry. "I saw you made a friend too. I took her home in case you were wondering. But then again, that would involve you giving a shit about someone other than yourself." My will wasn't strong enough. I kept them shut but tears started streaming out of my eyes. He was finally saying to me what I knew one day he would. I already knew all of this about myself, but hearing it from Carlos was too much, he was my best friend. He didn't yell, or lecture me, he said it matter of factly, like the words meant nothing to him. And nothing hurt more. "I can't do this anymore Kendall. Clean yourself up and go home. Next time I won't be around to save your ass." Carlos stormed out of the bathroom without looking back and slammed the door behind him. I'd finally fucked up the only good thing in my life. I loved him like a brother, and now like the rest of my family, he hated me too.

I got out of there as quickly as I could. As I walked out into the street, the heat hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so weak. I fought the urge to drop where I was and headed in the direction of my place. I was about a half an hour walk, and I had no money for a cab. I checked my cell, it was just after seven am. Back in Minnesota my Mom would be getting up for work now, and my Dad would have already left. Part of me longed to be there with them, to be fast asleep in my old bed. I made a hasty decision and dialed my home number. I hadn't spoken to any of my family in a year after my Dad had basically disowned me. My mom answered after a few rings.

"Hello?" The sound of her voice broke my heart, I hadn't realized how much I missed her. I felt tears in my eyes again as I spoke.

"Mom…" I heard the sadness in my own voice. The line was quiet, for a moment I thought she'd hung up.

"Kendall, Is that you?"

"Yeah. H-how are you?" The tears were even worse now, so I slipped into an alley to avoid being seen. I heard her sob on the other end of the phone, and for a while we did nothing but cry to each other. I wish she were here me.

"Kendall honey, I never thought I'd here your voice again." She was sobbing uncontrollably, her words barely audible over the crackly connection.

"I'm so sorry Mom. I've really fucked up." I slid to the ground and rested my head against the wall. The line was silent for a long time.

"Come home." Was all she said.

"What?"

"Come home. We can get you through this. I'll talk to your father, he'll understand. You need to come home, I need to see your face." I could barely hear her muffled words as she cried absently and lowered her voice to a whisper.

"I can't." As much as I wanted to, running back to my parents was the easy way out. I got myself into this mess and I needed to get out of it. I needed to make amends with Carlos and the guys. I needed to sort out my career, and I couldn't do all of that from Minnesota. "I can't let the guys down." My crying had finally stopped. Realization had kicked in.

"You've already let them down!" She was screaming at me now, not out of anger, but out of desperation. "Kendall, you're a mess! California has destroyed you! You've let them down everyday for the past year! You haven't even called your family!"

"Mom-"

"If you stay there you're going to kill yourself! I won't bury my son!" Every word broke my heart. The tears began to fall again and every inch of me wished I were back at home, with her arms around me telling me it was going to be okay. I was 22 years old, and I still wanted my Mom.

"I can't. I'm sorry Mom. I love you." I hung up before I could hear anymore. I put my hands to my face and took a few deep breaths. The tears continued to fall as I rocked back and forth on the spot. What had I done to myself? I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. I racked my brain, trying to think of a time before all of this, before Hollywood, back when I was happy. The idea of being happy was a distant memory now. I'd give anything to feel that again. To feel anything that wasn't hatred or self-loathing. I stumbled to my feet and broke out into a run, hoping I could leave all of this behind me. Hoping I could leave the coked up drunk version of me lying in the gutter where he belonged.

I promise I'll make Kendall happier soon. Lou will be coming back, so who knows how that's gonna go ;)