-This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!
SGT TELENSEN
to
ALL CREW
0650, Day cycle Alpha.04
RE: Laundry roster
Normandy crew-
The laundry roster is posted below. Each sleeper pod section will have the opportunity to autoclave their clothing once per week only. If you require extra BDUs please see the requisitions officer. Please ensure you have checked that any non-Alliance issued clothing is autoclave-safe. Any other clothing will need to be sanitised elsewhere by the owner. No water on this ship is to be used for manual clothes washing.
If you have questions or concerns please see me.
COMMENTS ENABLED
0936, FL MOREAU. Whoever owns the Hanar onesie that is sitting next to the machine, I want one.
0942, ENG ADAMS. It's Bossley's, she's a tech assistant down here. I've seen her wear it. It was everything I'd hoped for.
0959, FL MOREAU. Does it glow when she speaks?
1003, ENG ADAMS. Unfortunately not, but it does say 'ENKINDLE THIS!' if you squeeze the right tentacle. It's Blasto merch.
1005, FL MOREAU. EPIC.
DAY CYCLE ALPHA.05
1641, CMDR SHEPARD. I don't know how you managed to get it aboard, but a sequined, bright pink tshirt that says "BOOTYLICIOUS" across the front is NOT appropriate wear aboard my ship. Whoever owns it can come to me and claim it, while also explaining how they can tolerate this abominable embarrassment of a shirt.
1710, FL MOREAU. *Crickets chirping*...
1715, CMDR SHEPARD. Watch it Joker, you're on thin ice. I don't know how you're managing to get back into the system, but rest assured I WILL STOP YOU.
1730, FL MOREAU. I love you too, Commander.
End of post.
MS RUPERT GARDNER
to
ALL CREW
1422. DAY CYCLE ALPHA.08.
By popular request bordering on mutiny, Tacos will be returned to the evening meal rotation. Anyone caught having a post-meal flatulence expulsion competition will never be served tacos again. EVER.
Beware. I have a long memory.
-Gardener
COMMENTS ENABLED
1444, TA HUTCHISON. A 'post-meal flatulence expulsion competition'?
1451, ENG ADAMS. A farting contest. The tacos have beans in them.
1457, TA HUTCHISON. Gross... trust you to know that Adams.
1511, LIARA T'SONI. Apparently the propensity of humans to produce gas is caused by the fermentation of indigestible substrates in the large intestine by tiny animals that live there. You have animals living inside you? How do they get there?
1530, ENG ADAMS. Well that just took a turn for the disgusting.
1536, TA HUTCHISON. Only now...?
DAY CYCLE ALPHA.09.
0831, LIARA T'SONI. So how DO they get there? Do you eat them? Do they crawl in through your ears? It's fascinating...
0840, CMDR SHEPARD. Liara, this is not a conversation for the noticeboard. Please research this in your own time if you wish to know more about human digestion.
0845, LIARA T'SONI. But I just want to know-
====Message board locked by CMDR SHEPARD====
SGT TELENSEN
to
ALL CREW
1140, Day cycle Alpha.08
Please note, the mass effect core is not a clothes dryer. If your undersuit or armour is wet from a ground mission, please do not hang them there.
We had to evacuate the whole deck from the smell.
COMMENTS ENABLED
1151, TA HUTCHISON. We should get compensation for that. My sense of smell will never recover from that atrocity.
1232, CGO WILLIAMS. What? We had to wade across a few rivers and I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it.
1233, LT ALENKO. All due respect Chief, next time I'm going to space it.
1235, CGO WILLIAMS. Come on, it can't have been that bad.
1240, LT ALENKO. Chief. He wasn't kidding. We really did evacuate that deck for 12 hours.
1243, CGO WILLIAMS. ...Point taken sir.
End of post.
