On Friday, Rowley was talking about how he was seeing Joshie tonight. Personally, Greg didn't see the big hype around a singer that was another abomination from Disney Channel but his friend can listen to whatever he likes.
However, Greg really wished that Rowley was actually doing something cool tonight. These days, every kid in his grade was posting awesome photos of how awesome their lives were. Whether it was pics of some sweet party (that he wasn't invited to), some big concert with awesome performers (that his parents would never let him go to because there's too much "inappropriate" activities being done there), some cool vacation (that his family will never go on), or something else, everybody seemed to be having fun these days.
So Greg decided to do something about it.
(I don't want people thinking MY life is lame, so I decided to take some pictures to show how great things are going for me. All you really need is a digital camera and a photo editing program and you can make it look like you're having a total blast.)
Using Photoshop, Greg managed to stick cutouts of himself in all kinds of pictures. Suddenly, he was at the football games, the cheerleader tryouts, the sleeping parties, the water park, and Jordan Jory's birthday parties. Surely, these pics will make him SUPER popular.
He was in the middle of taking selfies of himself at a fake New Year's party, when his mother walked in.
"What are you doing?" His mother asked, crossing her arms. She took one look at Greg's computer and immediately paled. "Are you…you taking pictures of yourself and posting it on the internet?"
"Uh yeah?" Greg responded. "I'm going to be super popular!"
"Delete it now! You don't know what high schools or jobs could be looking at your pictures! Remember what I told your brother?"
"But Mo-"
"Do as I say. You may think you look cool now, but what if somebody looked at your photos and rejected your college application or job opportunity? You need to get rid of these pictures, NOW!"
(But I'm too young to be even thinking about college!)
His parents ruined everything; Greg accepted that now as the family ate dinner. No matter what he did, his family has to mess it up somehow. He glared jealously at Rodrick, who seemed to walking on air. Apparently, Rodrick had found himself in love with another girl despite the Heather Hills disaster. Rodrick never really took long with being interested in a brand new girl.
"So, Rodrick, this is going to be the most important year of your life," his father started.
"You said that last year," Rodrick said in his dream state.
"I know, but when you're applying to colleges, the first they look at is your first semester grades."
"I'm not going to college," his brother answered flatly, and Greg knew a fight was coming.
"Honey, college is going to provide you with many job opportunities," his mother explained, already getting exasperated.
"Who needs jobs when one's going to be a rock star?" His brother smirked, now leaving Cloud 9.
"And what if this dream of yours fails?" His father prodded, growing tense.
Rodrick shrugged. "I'll simply work at McDonald's or something. But that'll never happen to me."
His parents looked like they wanted to vomit right there.
"We're gonna get back to that later," his father said, trying his hardest to stay calm.
"So what are you thinking about doing Greg?" His mother directing at him, smiling nervously.
"Oh I'm thinking about moving to Hollywood to get my acting career going. I'll be famous! No need for college!" Greg said, hi fiving his brother. While he was certain Rodrick would never have a rock career at the rate his band was going, Greg was certain was he was charming or attracting enough to be the next Tom Cruise.
Their parents now looked like they're were going to explode.
"Ooookay. Manny, what do you want to be?" His father asked his other brother.
"Astronaut!" Manny exclaimed, and his parents smiled warmly.
"Aww, our little man! You want to go the moon?" His mother cooed, and his parents began to heap praises upon Manny.
Greg long accepted that Manny was the favorite child, but honestly, how could they even think that his little brother was going to be anything other than a serial killer? Manny has gotten kicked out by his third pre-school because he keeps biting the other kids. Like how was his parents not worried about that?
Of course his parents would look over that because Manny was their perfect prince, and he and Rodrick were just court jesters.
Wednesday
Advanced Health class was probably the vilest and disgusting class he had ever taken. He learned information about his body parts that he never wanted to learn about. Why? Why did middle schoolers need to learn about body parts and birthing videos now? Wasn't that for high school?
And of COURSE Rowley had to faint in the middle of class because he wasn't mature enough to handle such a topic. He couldn't even tie his shoelaces, how did the school expect him to handle reproductive classes?
He bet that the girls were having a blast in a separate room, because girls always seemed to have it better at school. They got the better grades, the better projects, and the most support. The girls' sports teams seemed to be better supported than the boys'.
Fregley was having a ball harassing every male in his about "zits", "blackheads", "testes", and the big one, "Penis". Then again, every male in his class was having fun laughing about penises, testicles, and prostates. In fact, that might have considered the best part about today's lesson. He didn't why he kept getting stuck with all these brainless jerks.
Turns out, the girls didn't have it better after all. He heard them mumbling about "periods", "vagina discharges", and "cramps".
Holly walked up next to him, looking slightly traumatized. She kissed him on the cheek. Smiling, he turned to face her. Holly was so pretty, so perfect. He couldn't believe that a girl like her was into a guy like him. It was like a dream he didn't want to wake up from.
"Hey Holly! What did you guys do?"
She scrunched her face up. "Some really interesting things…that I'm not sure that I really wanted to learn in the first place."
"Me neither, why do we need to learn these things anyway?"
"Because it's important to know your body so you won't get any health problems, STDs, or unwanted pregnancies," a gentle yet firm voice suddenly said. Greg and Holly turned around to face the owner of the voice.
It was the same girl that Fregley asked to look at his zit on the first day of school. She was African-American in appearance with medium length black hair held underneath a pink headband. She wore a dark pink pleated skirt and a black short sleeved blouse underneath a pale pink sweater vest. Her posture was kind of stiff, and her dark brown eyes seemed like steel from behind thick black glasses.
"Oh…that's cool," Holly said awkwardly, not knowing to respond to that,
"Did you know that young people, between the ages of 15 and 24 accounts for 50% percent of all STDs? And about 61% of pregnancies are unintended?"
"No, but now I'm a little creeped out now," Greg replied, uncomfortable. How did she know all this information?
"You should be. Unprotected sex is a very dangerous issue in this country, yet most schools don't know how to go about it. 90% of high schools teach about abstinence and STDs, yet lower than 60% actually talk about contraceptive methods. We need to know then just about our bodies, and not to have sex. For many humans, Sex is an innate desire, especially for hormonal teens such as us. We need to know more proper sex education like how to put on condoms, use birth control, or how to deal with unwanted pregnancies. All options that are legal in this country on family planning is perfectly acceptable."
"Wow, you seem to know a lot about this topic," Greg said, slightly impressed. He didn't think he'd find a kid his age actually interested in learning outside of school. It almost made him care about learning.
"It comes from personal experience, my mother is a doctor," the girl explained.
"What kind?" Holly asked.
Something in the girl's demeanor shifted. Suddenly, she became as still as a statue. "A doctor," she said flatly. She turned around and walked as far away from them as possible.
The young couple looked at her retreating frame.
"That's weird," Greg said, "It's like she hiding something."
Holly frowned. "Perhaps I offended her. I'll apologize the next time I see her."
"You don't have to apologize for anything."
"If I hit a sore spot, I should. Now if only I knew her name."
Greg strangely wanted to know her name as well for some reason.
"Rodrick, is that your new tutor?" Ben asked, eyes widening. Rodrick looked up from eating his crappy lunch (why did he get a burger again? Those patties tasted way too fake!), and saw Bobbi taking a seat at their lunch table.
"Hot girls never sit at our table," Chris whispered to Ward in shock.
"Hey!" The girl greeted, smiling sweetly.
"Sup?" Rodrick replied, finding himself grinning as well. "What brings you here at our table?"
"I wanted to get to know my new study buddy! And plus…I have no friends to sit with."
The entire band look at her like she grew six heads.
"What? A lovely lady like you don't have any friends?" Ben asked, and Rodrick scowled at him. Excuse him, Bobbi was tutoring HIM, not Ben.
She shook her head rather cheerfully. "No its okay. You see, my best friend is at another high school so I'm here by myself. I can be quite the loner, so it's hard to make friends."
"I don't believe it," Rodrick said, folding his arms in defiance. This pretty girl was a loner? No way, she looked like she belonged to the popular kids' crowd, or the honors' crowd.
Giggling, Bobbi took out a piece of loose-leaf, and placed it in front of Rodrick. She also gave him a black pen.
"Put your name, phone number, and main interests so I get to know you better," Bobbi explained. Within a minute, Rodrick had scrambled all the information down, making his band mates snicker.
"Desperate," Ben whispered to Chris in laughter. Rodrick was content to ignore them.
"Wow, eager to learn aren't ya?" Bobbi said, blinking her eyes in astonishment.
"Learning is key to a successful life," he lied, "I wouldn't want to miss an opportunity for extra help in my senior year."
"Are you hearing him right now?" Chris whispered to Ben back. Rodrick continued to ignore them.
"So, tell me about you," Rodrick asked, grinning. He needed to know about his future girlfriend so he can woo the pants off of her.
She looked up in thought for a moment, and then she met his eyes. "Well, as you already know, my name is Bobbi, or at least that's my nickname. My full name is actually Roberta Rivers, Bobbi for short. People who are really close to me tend to call me "Bobs". I'm seventeen, and I love fantasy books, video games, and horror, specifically slasher movies."
"Really?" Rodrick said in excitement.
"Yeah. Slashers are the best, especially Freddy movies."
He pouted, and she gave him an amused look. "Let me guess. Jason fan?"
"Jason is awesome. Dude has hacked over 200 hundred people in the most creative you can imagine, how can you NOT love him?"
"Because—," she started but paused. She smirked. "Geez, I almost lost myself there. It's like debating with my sister. Anyway, I want to major in Film in college, and I have had a part time job at Six Flags America since I was 14."
Loded Diper dropped their jaws to the floor and they looked at her in silence for about 30 seconds.
"You work there?" Ward said, eyes widening like saucers.
"That's so freaking sweet!" Rodrick nearly squeaked out. That was like the only place he even considered working at. To work at an amusement park? That must be the sweetest job ever! Season passes, park benefits, and getting an opportunity to make out with a hot girl under a ride? Who wouldn't work there?
"It's not," She responded flatly, making the band aghast at such a statement.
"What do you mean?" He responded as politely as he could. She frowned.
"Douchie customers demanding for a refund you can't give them? Having to always look happy for the kiddies? Getting paid really low minimum wage because you're considered a lazy whiny teen and not a hardworking adult that tragically lost their job? So-hideous-they're-offensive uniforms? Having to repeat the same phrase over and over again for 3-4 hours straight? Having to work longer hours often because some people don't want to do their jobs? You have no ideas of the horrors you have to face when working at an amusement park, especially working as a ride operator."
"You work as a ride operator?" He said, interested. That sounded really awesome. He pictured himself operating all the cool coasters at the park, like Roar, Mind Eraser, Man of Steel, Joker's Jinx, and other awesome rides. Now that was a job he could get with.
"Yeah, I currently operate the Penguin's Blizzard River ride in the Gotham City ride. Though when I was younger, I worked in the arcade section because it was the least harmful job they could give me according to state law. I'm so glad I never got to clean the bathrooms ."
"Oh, I love water rapid rides."
Mainly because it was hilarious seeing Greg always ending up in the seats that that got soaked the most. "And you worked the arcade?"
"Most hideous uniforms ever," she said, shivering, "However it was much better than working as a ride operator. It seems that as I got older, I was promoted to more dangerous jobs."
"We should work there," Ben said, directing his comment to the entire band.
"You don't want to," Bobbi pleaded.
"But we wanna!" Rodrick pouted, pulling his classic puppy look. Girls always fell for that.
Bobbi folded her arms in a manner Rodrick found rather cute. "Fine. But you'll learn. I work part time three days a week: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So I can't tutor you on Fridays. Right now since I don't know you that well, I prefer we have our tutoring sessions after school in the study hall."
He nodded. One of the after school programs was the tutoring sessions, usually students were given an hour while the sports teams had their practices outside. It was fine for now. However, soon he was gonna have her over his house, and he'll really pull out the stops.
"Well, I mean school just started, so I doubt I'm failing anything so far," He responded. He knew he wasn't the brightest light bulb, but he wasn't completely brainless.
She smiled sweetly at him again. "Well I'm always here if you need me."
She got out of her seat and walked back over to the previous table she was sitting at.
The band looked at Rodrick with excited and hyper looks on their faces.
"Man, you HAVE to date her! How many girls are gonna be like that?" Chris exclaimed, shaking the older Heffley brother from across the table.
"Yeah, dude, she's totally into you," Ben nodded, grinning wolfishly.
"Don't let her go," Ward, ever the quiet one, simply stated.
With the dopiest look he could manage, Rodrick grinned as if he was hopping around in a field full of bunnies.
"I know," Rodrick said, dreamily.
(She's perfect. Like super perfect, even more than Heather. Like she's gonna be my girlfriend before the end of the first semester.)
Later, after he went home with Rodrick, Greg was treated to yet another display of his older brother acting way out of a character.
Rodrick was talking to Mom. Neither of them ever liked talking to their mother about their issues, particularly about girls.
"Mom, I think she's the one," Rodrick said with a goofy grin on his face. Their mother patted his head affectionately.
"Aw, honey, that's great. I'm glad you like your tutor so much."
No doubt their mom was secretly hoping this new tutor that got his brother acting like he was shot by Cupid's arrow would convince Rodrick to do something with his life.
A shocked expression then crossed her face. "Oh that reminds me! Boys, your uncle Gary is getting married in November to his girlfriend, Sonja!"
"Again?" The brothers said at the same time in confusion.
"Yes again," their father said as he suddenly walked into the kitchen. Frank Heffley had a look of absolute annoyance on his face at the thought of attending another wedding of his brother. He muttered words about "When is Gary going to actually form a stable relationship?" as he got a can of Pepsi out of the fridge.
Gary Heffley was the unspoken disappointment of his father's side of the family. He never went to college, he never had a stable job, and he was always moving somewhere, never holding a stable apartment either. Basically he was what their dad feared Rodrick would turn into. After all, Rodrick seem to inherit many of Uncle Gary's negative traits….
His uncle's biggest flaw was his relationships. Uncle Gary was the type of person who dived into relationships far too deeply with others before he could really get to know them. And when he did, the relationship would go down in flames. His first wife, Linda, (who he married after two months of dating) didn't know that he worked as a crappy kids' party dinosaur until the day of their wedding, his second wife, Charlene, sadly left his uncle after mistaking that he had forty five thousand dollars in the bank (he had only forty five bucks) and being forced to pay for the band at their wedding, and his third wife, Lydia…well he never found out why Uncle Gary divorced her, he only heard vague creepy things about her. He married three times so far at the not so old age of 35; compared to his dad, who fell in love with Mom when they were young teenagers, that was really sad.
Greg looked over to the refrigerator, where Uncle Gary's previous wedding pictures lay. At this point, the Heffley children didn't need actual childhood photos, all people who were interested could just look at Uncle Gary's wedding albums. Mom didn't even bother to put up a full picture of his uncle's third bride; she just cut out and slapped a picture of her head on the second wife.
"Is the reception going to be at Gammie's house again?" Rodrick asked, referencing their grandmother.
"Yup," their dad popped. He then walked over and patted Greg on the shoulder sympathetically. "It's your turn Kiddo. Hope Gammie doesn't bring out the warts."
"Or the STDs chart," Rodrick shivered.
"Or goes into graphic detail about sex. I never looked at your great-granddad the same way afterwards."
Father and son walked past Greg, whistling awkwardly. His mother gave him a comforting glance and walked off as well, hearing the likely sound of Manny breaking something.
Greg was left all alone in the kitchen.
(Uncle Gary needs to cancel his engagement right now! I don't want to get "The Talk" from Gammie! No, no, no! She doesn't even know how to text or send emails; I always have to write and send out a letter! How is she going to give me a life lesson on growing up! NO! I am going to find a way to get out of this wedding I swear!)"
At this point, Greg knew that there were going to be two outcomes. A) He was going to go to the wedding and have that super uncomfortable talk with Gammie, or B)…
He was going to get out of it. But how was the question.
He needed an excuse real fast if he wanted to avoid The Talk with Gammie.
Thanks to BadWolfBabe for reviewing!
