Drama on the Mount
Chapter 2
Domestic Dad
"Oh Crap." Zeus thought, "My wife just left me."
He didn't quite know what to do, so he just stood there in the corridor
before finally walking down to the living room. It didn't take long
before he had company in the form of Dionysus, resident crackhead and
"recovering" alcoholic of the Olympian Gods.
"Ugh. I have such a hangover. Last night's -HIC- rave was so intense!
Hey Dad, haven't seen you in like a century, s'up?"
Zeus just asked, "Huh?"
He wasn't hip to his children's newfangled lingo or to Dionysus' slurred
drunken speech, so when they went hand-in-hand together, he was
completely baffled.
"Where's ma? -HIC- She always knows how to get rid of my hangovers...so
far I've just been chasing it down with more booze, but it doesn't seem
to be working so -HIC- well."
"Your mother's gone off to visit her sister for a little while." Zeus
answered.
Just then, Athena walked in and asked, "Oh no, Mother's gone? What did
you do?"
"Uh...nothing." Zeus managed unconvincingly.
"Ah, that's right, you weren't at her birthday dinner yesterday. Typical."
As the Goddess of wisdom, Athena was known for her quick wit and quick
tongue. There was little that escaped her.
"She was pissed, Pa. You should've seen her. Heh, it was great!" added
Ares, the uncouth God of war, in between sloppy bites of the turkey leg
in his hand as he entered the living room.
"You are so vulgar. She wasn't 'pissed,' she was angry and rightfully
so, may I add." retorted Athena.
"Psh, same difference, snob." Ares replied as he continued to gnaw on
his turkey leg.
"Well...either way, children. I'm going to be in charge until your
mother's return."
His teenage children just looked at him in silence with looks of
disbelief plastered on their faces.
"Ah, already they're respecting my authority...this might not be as hard
as Hera always makes it out to be." Zeus thought to himself.
At that moment, Ares belched and Dionysus tried getting up to walk, but
instead dropped right in front of Zeus' feet. Zeus' eyes followed him as
he collapsed while Athena merely furrowed her brow in disdain.
"Yeah...this'll be a piece of cake." Zeus again thought.
Just then, he heard a pounding coming from down the hall. He walked down
to investigate and heard two shouting voices.
"Get out! You've been in there for eons!"
"Cha, as if! It's not easy being beautiful...not that you would know."
Zeus drew closer and realized it was yet another one of his children.
"AAARGH!!!! Open up NOW!" bellowed Artemis.
"Make me, you hairy-legged hippie!" whined back Aphrodite.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is going on here?" asked Zeus.
"Aphrodite won't let me use the bathroom and she's been in there
forever," replied Artemis.
"It's not my fault, daddy, I'm the Goddess of Beauty and I owe it to the
public to always look my best. Besides...I'm prettier." chimed Aphrodite
from the other side of the bathroom door.
"What does that have to do with anything, you bimbo?" asked Artemis, her
eyes squinting indignantly.
Zeus tried to exert some level of authority before another shouting
match ensued, so he did what he thought was best...unfortunately, Zeus'
thinking, as most everything else about him, was flawed.
"Artemis, Aphrodite's right, she's prettier than you...go use the
bathroom in the cellar."
"Wh–what?!" managed the stymied Artemis.
"Yay!" Aphrodite squeaked.
"That isn't fair! Also, I can't use the cellar bathroom...Hekate's down
there...and she creeps me out!"
"Why's that?" asked Zeus.
"Dad, don't you know anything about your kids? She's...she's." stammered
Artemis.
"What?"
"Emo," responded Artemis in an overly dramatized voice.
"Emo? What is that...is that something to do with drugs?" Zeus inquired,
clueless as ever.
"Dad no! It's worse! It means she just holes herself up in the bathroom
all day reading her little witchy books, looking generally discontent
with the world and cutting herself," informed Artemis.
"I wish you'd cut yourself!" chimed Aphrodite once again from behind the
bathroom door.
"Yeah say that to my face, slut puppy!"
"I guess I'd better go check on her then," Zeus said, trying to look
paternal in front of his children.
"But Dad, where will I go to the bathroom?" asked Artemis again.
"Oh...uh," Zeus snapped his fingers and Aphrodite instantly appeared in
a flash of lightning, with a pink towel on and rollers in her hair.
"Dad! Why'd you do that?!" protested Aphrodite.
"Just let him go, he is your brother."
"Dad, I'm a girl!" exclaimed Artemis.
"Oh. Sorry."
"Ugh!" Aphrodite complained as Artemis shut the bathroom door and Zeus
walked downstairs.
"Ew, there's crabs on this toilet seat!" shrieked Artemis from behind
the bathroom door.
Aphrodite smirked, then looked up at the ceiling and whistled,
pretending not to know how they got there.
