Ste sat down at the fountain. He couldn't make it home. He had realised the second he had walked out the door into the open air. He felt sick to his stomach and it took everything to stop himself throwing up all over the pavement.
He managed to stop himself from vomiting, forcing the feeling down. Got his breath back and tried to calm himself down before he speed dialled Laura.
"Dr Ellington's office."
"Can I speak to Laura please its Ste Hay?" He was put on hold.
"She's just finishing off a meeting. She will call you back in 10 minutes Mr Hay. She said to tell you to stay where you are and not do anything until you've spoken to her." The woman said. "Did you hear me Mr Hay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, thanks." He put the phone down. He wiped his face with his hoodie. He was crying and he didn't even realise. He felt so pathetic. He knew why Laura had told him to stay where he was. She knew that he would do something that he would regret.
"Stop and think, realise that you are out of control, take a deep breath and take back control." She had told him and it had echoed his anger management counselling that it had stuck. He knew it worked so he used it.
It felt like a lifetime but eventually his phone rang.
"Ste, its Laura are you okay?" She sounded worried.
"I…" He heaved in a breath. "I had a panic attack... Jamie, that guy I was telling you about, the one I thought was fit but…"
"Ste, calm down. Take a deep breath and slow down ok. There's no rush."
"He asked me out and I just…"
"You panicked."
"Yeah… I can't… I…" He was crying, sobbing, broad daylight and he was having a meltdown.
"Ste. Where are you?" She asked. He told her. "Right, stay there. I'm coming to you alright. Just stay there and stay on the line." He could hear her clattering around her office. She wasn't speaking but she was there if he needed to talk.
He didn't know how long it took for her to arrive but as soon as she did she took the phone out of his hand and sat next to him. He didn't think. He just wrapped himself around her and sobbed.
"Ste! Is he alright?" He recognised Doug's voice.
"He's just upset." She replied evenly but her tone made it clear that she didn't want Doug to be involved. Ste silently thanked her. He was a mess. Doug didn't need to be involved. "I've got it, thanks."
"Here." She offered him a tissue. At the same time he wiped his face and nose on his hoodie.
"Or not." She laughed a little. "You ready to talk yet? Take your time."
"Jamie came in and we were just chatting like we usually do then he asked me out and it was like a tonne of bricks landed on my chest and I couldn't breathe." He started to feel that way again.
"Was it a shock?" She asked frowning. "He talks to you almost every day you've told me."
"I thought maybe but then…"
"Take your time."
"How can I?" He blurted out. "Brendan's… I can't…"
"No one said you had to." She stated firmly. "No one is saying that you have to do anything. He asked you out. It's a normal part of everyday life. It's your reaction that is my concern. Why did you feel so anxious? I'm sure you've been asked out before and said yes, said no, said no way mate."
They sit in silence. Laura is great for letting him think, giving him space to get his head in order.
"I wanted to say yes." He stated and the panic rose again.
"Hey, it's okay. Calm down."
"What sort of person does that make me? Brendan's in jail and I'm wanting to go out with another bloke."
"It makes you normal, Ste. You want to go out with someone you like and have a good time. There's nothing wrong with that." She said trying to reassure him. "You aren't forgetting Brendan. You aren't doing anything wrong."
"But…"
"Ste. You are not betraying him."
It was like a lightning bolt. He got up and moved. He had to move. He couldn't sit.
"Ste."
"You don't understand anything. How could you? Your boyfriend's dead. Do you ever think that maybe you weren't worth it? That he should have let you die?"
"All the time." She muttered but Ste heard her.
"Brendan's in prison for killing someone to protect me. He should have let me die… I wouldn't… I couldn't… He shouldn't…" He swung at the closest thing to him which happened to be tree. It hurt. He punched it again and again feeling the skin come off his fingers.
"Ste stop it." Laura was next to him but not touching him. "Just stop it ok."
"It's not okay!" He screamed into her face but she didn't back down like everyone else did. She looked him straight in the eye.
"I know that you're angry. I know that it's unfair and I know that you are hurting but don't think that you can scare me Ste." She was as calm as anyone he had ever met but there was a look in her eye which told him that she had faced down far worse than himself.
"I'm sorry." He found himself stating.
"Don't run." She said, it was like she had read his mind because he was just about to start. "You keep running and you'll never stop. You have to face this."
He was still thinking that he should run home, lock the doors and hide away forever but he knew then he'd never get better, he'd never get his life back. He'd lose his kids all over again.
"I don't know if I can."
"You are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit. You survived your childhood, you faced your demons, you changed, and you stood up and loved a man who had beaten you. You love Ste after everything you still love and that is incredible and more than anything it's brave. So I know that you are brave enough to do this. You can face this."
He shook his head.
"I can't."
"You can Ste. You can do this. Do you want to go home?" She asked carefully. She knew it was a touchy subject.
"No. It's… There's no one there." He couldn't go back there. He'd drive himself mad.
"Alright, let's get a coffee, have a sit down and talk about Jeremy Kyle." She said.
"Haven't you got other clients?"
"Nah you just saved me from a meeting about the importance of keeping a tidy and harmonious work place to aid client healing, believe me if you hadn't rang I would have slit my wrists."
"I don't think a councillors meant to say that." He frowned.
"We're human just like everyone and I have a complete intolerance for that bollocks." She smiled. "Although I've over stepped the line today. Professional standards would have a field day."
"Eh?"
"I'm meant to be a caring and helpful source of calm and healing, completely trustworthy… I'm not meant to stare people down. It's intimidating and it's counterproductive. I'm sorry about that."
"I might have hit you."
"You wouldn't." She was so sure. How could she be so sure? He knew he could have. "But I should be more careful."
"You're not on the clock though." She took his calls out of her own time. "Technically."
"Doesn't matter I'm still your counsellor there are lines. I always manage to blur them." She shook her head and smiled at him. "Come on. You're buying."
"Oh thanks and why's that then?"
"Because."
"Really mature." He snorted a laugh.
"I must look a state." He said as they entered the coffee shop rubbing at his face and trying to stop himself nagging at his sleeves because it gave away that he was nervous and she always picked up on it.
"You look fine." She stated. "Hot chocolate, three sugars."
"Really?" He crinkled his nose.
"Hoy, I can drink my hot chocolate how I want thanks." She waited as he ordered, gave him the money for her drink despite what she said, he knew she wasn't allowed to accept things from clients and she was strict with the rule. He didn't want to sit inside so he ordered them to go.
They went back out and she followed at he walked back to the fountain.
"I feel stupid." He said as they sat down. "I completely over reacted." He sighed. "It's a drink, not a marriage proposal." He shook his head. "I don't know… Everything was going so well."
"It still is." She said. "This is a bump. You've had them before and you'll have them again."
"That meant to make me feel better?"
"It's a fact."
He took a long drink from his cup.
"Can I ask you something? Personal like… You don't have to answer." She nodded. "When Sean died how did you cope?"
She snorted a laugh. "I'm not meant to tell you, it breeches about a dozen rules."
"Tell me, because right now I don't know if I'm doing alright or if I'm half a step into the loony bin and Brendan's not even dead."
"You're doing fine." She stated, then twitched as she always did when she was deciding whether she wanted to say anything or not. "Let's just say that I didn't cope with it for a long while and during that time I was an awful person. I wasn't very good to start with so I'll leave the rest to your imagination. But you are doing fine Ste."
The conversation turned to silly things about his work, cooking and crap TV.
"I better get back." He stated looking at his phone for the time. "I left Tony alone."
"Hope you have a good night." She smiled.
"Thanks Laura."
"Hey that's what I'm here for."
He crashed when he finally managed to get home. They'd done a record number of covers and it had been great to be that busy but with the extra drama in his day he was knackered. He barely managed to get out of his clothes before he fell on the covers. The warmth of the day had stayed in the room so he didn't even need to get under the covers.
He dreamt of a hard body over him. Kisses onto his neck, his chest. Of clawing fingers and desperate need. Of a rumbling voice saying his name and hitching wonderfully. It was all just a mesh of images, of feelings, of love.
He woke up painfully hard. He sighed to himself willing himself soft but it wasn't going to happen. He made his way to the bathroom and got himself off as quickly as he could.
His alarm was blaring when he returned.
He sat on the edge of his bed and sighed wondering when he was going to stop. Just stop tormenting himself.
He got dressed quickly. Not bothering with breakfast. He wasn't hungry.
He picked up his prisoner visitor request form, already filled in, sighed and wondered if maybe just maybe this time Brendan would accept.
He hadn't before but Ste still posted one every month.
