Chapter 2—Strike 1
Scout stared up at his teammate in disbelief. "You seriously want to do this now. You're freakin' serious about wanting t' do this right now."
"Hell yes I'm freakin' serious! This is a serious situation, boy! Yer what, in yer twenties and ye'v never had a successful anythin'! That's a crime against nature, boy, and I'm gonna raise yer chances by over 8000 per cent!"
"Excuse me."
The two looked to the doorway of the mess hall. An annoyed and tired looking Medic wearing a bathrobe and not much else was glaring at them. "Some of us who sleep next to ze mess hall vould like to actually sleep. As a vise man once said, shut ze hell op." He turned on his heel and stalked back to his room.
Scout looked pleadingly up at Soldier. "C'mon, Rocket-Man, it's late and we got work tomorrow. This can wait, can't it?" He was grateful that at least someone wanted to help him out with his issues, but he still didn't completely understand what those issues were, and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted Soldier, of all people, to help him out.
Soldier looked uncertain. "I think we'd better sort this out now," he said. "How're ya supposed to get a proper grasp on how t'handle a woman if ain't nobody told ya?"
Grasping at straws, Scout tried a new tactic. "How'm I supposed to dominate any REDs tomorrow if I don't get any sleep?"
That did it, as Scout had hoped it would. "Alright, git t'bed already, ya little brat! But I want to see you here immediately after the battle tomorrow and ready to learn! Professor Soldier's gonna iron out all your lady problems, you'll see!"
"Uh, right, thanks," Scout muttered, standing up. "Night, Soldier." He left the kitchen and trudged back to his room. At least Soldier wanted to help. That was something. Who knew, maybe he'd actually have some good advice for Scout.
Who am I kidding, he thought as he collapsed on his bed, not bothering to change. This is Soldier we're talking about.
ecific area within the REDs territory. It was hard enough since the bomb was huge and heavy and the cart would start rolling backwards if no one pushed it, but someone had let the REDs know about their mission and they were constantly under heavy fire. Scout had tried to run ahead to clear the way or at least see what they were up against, but with all the sticky bomb traps and Pyro ambushes on the way that was easier said than done. By the end of it, they'd gotten the bomb to the required destination and claimed a victory for Team BLU, but Scout and likely most of the rest of the team felt like they may as well have just dropped the bomb on themselves and saved the REDs the trouble.
Scout wanted to go visit Miss Pauling again, but he didn't think he could face her so soon after her rejection and especially since he'd been bragging so much the previous day about how great he was. That day had been a disaster and he just wanted to have a bite to eat and a shower.
As he trudged into the mess hall, a loud, brash voice greeted him. "Hey, Scout, c'mon over here'n have a seat!"
At least someone's happy, he thought gloomily, grabbing his box of cereal and warily approaching the grinning Soldier. Everyone else was nursing headaches and respawn-nausea and other injuries from the day, but Soldier looked like a million bucks.
"Shouldn't you be bummed like everyone else, Bucket-Head?" Scout asked, plopping down in a chair next to his would-be mentor. "You hate it when fights don't go well."
"Hey, we beat those dirty REDs fair'n'square! Anyone who tells ya otherwise is a dirty hippie pig!" He glared at Heavy and Sniper; Scout guessed there'd been some conversations about this already and decided to drop the subject.
"Fine, you said you could help me maybe?" He started eating cereal by the handful again.
"Course I can! If there's one thing a veteran like me knows, son, it's women! Now listen up! First of all, the most important thing when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex is to make sure you assert your dominance! Women love that!"
Scout frowned. "I don't think—"
"Exactly! That's why you can't ever have any success with women! Ya don't think! Women like thinkers, boy, so make sure that while yer showin' off what a man's man y'are, ya show her just how much of a thinker you are, too! That way she knows yer a catch and she feels safe around ya!"
Scout doubted anyone had ever felt safe around Soldier, but didn't say that out loud. "But don't most girls hate being told what to do?"
"Bah, only the crazy feminist commie ones. Trust me, kid, you don't want one o'those. They're nothin' but trouble!" Soldier looked grumpy now, and Scout had learned from experience that making Soldier grumpy never led to good things.
"Still, I think maybe they like guys who're all badass and stuff?" he tried.
The older man nodded, grinning. "Oh, women like badasses alright! That's why ya gotta assert yer dominance, like I said! Nothin' says 'badass' like a guy who shows he can give orders and expect 'em to be followed!"
Despite everything that made Scout sane telling him that Soldier's advice was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard, he had to admit that there was a slim chance that it could work. "Assert your dominance." Yeah, he could do that. Let her know who wears the pants around this joint!
"Do girls like the direct approach?" he asked. Maybe that had been his problem all along—the direct approach was a thing of the past, and girls of today liked it when you showed who was boss.
Soldier nodded sagely. "Well, some do, some don't. Ya gotta play it by ear. But above all, never be afraid ta let her know exactly what ya want!"
"Which is?" Scout asked warily. This conversation was starting to get awkward, especially since everyone else in the mess hall was looking at them. Sniper was sniggering quietly, Spy was smiling and shaking his head, and Engineer just looked perplexed. Once again the only one who didn't seem to notice what was going on was Demoman, who was being even louder than Soldier as he ranted about Nessie or something in yet another drunken stupor.
"Why, ta get laid o'course!" Soldier replied, seemingly surprised that Scout wouldn't know that.
The young man choked on his cereal. Soldier pounded him on the back during his coughing fit until he could breathe again. Sure, it wasn't like Scout didn't want to have sex, in fact it was on his mind quite a lot, especially when he was around Miss Pauling, but somehow hearing Soldier state it flat out was just wrong and more than a little disturbing.
"I think ya need ta go try it out fer yerself," Soldier declared, barely (if at all) registering that his "student" had almost choked to death in front of him. "Miss Pauling should be in the office right about now; ya should go talk to her!"
Scout was already pale from lack of air, but he turned paler and started to feel sick at Soldier's suggestion. "No way, man, there's no way I'm talkin' to her right now!"
"Why the hell not?! She's a pretty thing about yer age, good head on her shoulders, I'd think ya'd want t' talk to a girl like her!"
"It's not that." Scout felt sicker. "She, uh, it didn't go too well last time we talked, and I don't wanna talk to her right now, okay?!"
Soldier scowled. "I can't believe this pansy chicken-talk I'm hearin'! Are you a man or are you a cowardly man?!" He shoved a still-protesting Scout towards the door. "Now go on, git! I don't want ta see yer face 'round here til ye'v had a go at li'l Miss P or I'll shove yer stupid headphone up yer—"
"Okay okay okay! I'm goin' already! Jesus!" Scout forced himself to walk out of the room, shoulders set determinedly. This was going to work, he told himself. All he had to do was show her who was boss, and everything would just fall into place. Simple as that. Maybe.
"Excellent! I'm gonna go take care of my plants now!" As he walked off, Scout heard Soldier mutter, "Now where did I put those raisins?"
Ten minutes later, Scout stomped back into the mess hall. Demoman was arguing with Soldier while Pyro was carefully setting papers on fire in a metal bucket. Soldier looked away from his opponent and brightened at the sight of his "charge." "Well, how'd it go, boy?" he asked, completely forgetting his argument. "Was she swept off her feet by the sheer power of manliness ya got?"
Scout glared at him and turned his face to present its left side to Soldier. A large red mark covered most of it, and it was slowly bruising, turning purplish. "Does this answer your question?" he snapped.
