Chapter 2
I'm Lost Without You
It's been exactly six hours and forty-seven minutes since you last saw Brittany, last saw her walking out the exit and you leaving to head home…. in Brittany's car to Brittany's apartment which she has been living for four years. You moved in when – five months ago? When your husband fled the country, Federal Agents shut your house down and you didn't have any money and any place to stay? She was your only choice and she didn't even think twice before she took you in. She was there when you broke down, when you didn't know where left and right was anymore. You remember few weeks later when you were late for your period and threw up in the morning for the first time. She was there… She was always there. When you took the pregnancy test with tears in your eyes and were too scared to look at it, she was right there supporting, holding, and encouraging you. She even cried with you, but for a different reason. You cried because the positive sign on the test was the last kick you needed to crash on the floor and thinking about ending your life, ending this misery. You fell pregnant with your husband's child, who you didn't love in the first place, a husband who was missing, not knowing whether alive or not but she was holding you tight in her arms, laughing of happiness when you were bawling your eyes out, screaming at her to let you go….. to let you die right there on the floor…
But she never did, she held you much closer to her chest, she let you cry what felt like for an eternity. Her shirt was all wet with your tears but she didn't care, she never eased her hold on you,
trying to convince you that a baby was the best thing that could happen to you. But you were too broken to believe her.
She was right.
After a month she legitimately talked you into seeing a doctor. It took you another month to gather your braveness and booking an appointment at a gynecologist. Brittany sat beside you, holding your hand the whole time as Dr. Fleming spoke. You never forget your first ultrasound examination.
Dr. Fleming surprised you both as she turned on the volume without your notice and then suddenly there was a little something, like a sound that was getting louder, like a tap on a beat…. a heartbeat. In that moment you felt something you had never felt before, protection and unconditional love. A teary smile broke out on your face, and when you looked to Brittany you saw her looking back to you with the same emotion. She mouthed an 'I'm proud of you' and you knew as long as you had Brittany with you, you could do anything… even raise a child.
You broke out of your memory ride when Lord Tubbington decided to show himself to you. He moved across the room, hopped on the couch and placed himself right next to you, looking at your face and purring at you as he was trying to ask where Brittany was.
"I don't know where she is Tubbs." But the answer didn't seem to satisfy him, he puts his head on your thigh still not breaking eye contact, looking like he knows you are the reason for Brittany's absence.
"I upset her and I still don't know what I did to make her leave me in the parking lot like that." You wonder because you really don't know.
"But he said I was a lesbian, Brittany! I am not gay! I am straight!"
"You know I'm bisexual and I had relationships with women Santana. Did you think of them badly, too? Of my so called 'lifestyle'?"- "DO you think of me badly, Santana?"
"Did you feel grossed out by me, Santana?" - "DO you feel grossed out by me, Santana?"
"Oh nooooo."
You realize your mistake at last, at least you think you do. Brittany didn't interpret your words properly. To tell the truths you gave her every right to feel that way, you didn't think about your words before speaking them. You hurt Brittany…. She thinks you don't want to be around her and she thinks you lied to her ever since.
"What? Brittany NO! I never lied to you."
No, you never did because she never gave you a reason to lie to her. She was the only person besides you who could handle the truth, something she picked up from you, you think….. thinking, thinking and thinking, that's all you did since you unlocked the door, pulled off your jacket, threw your shoes to a corner and let yourself fall on the couch, no, even before that, you started thinking when you saw Brittany walking away…. from you. You should have known that this subject was a sensitive point in Brittany's vulnerable heart. You should have known better.
When you look down to the ca- Tubbs!
You know that he shouldn't miss Brittany any more than he needs to.
"I screwed up, Tubbs. Big time! Uhhh!" You slap your forehead and Lord Tubbington leaves your lap and crawls back to Brittany's room. It felt like he was on a mission for you to see things clear and you know it doesn't matter how long you overthink all of this, you won't get it solved alone. You need the other party too to correct your mistake. You need Brittany to forgive you.
You look at your phone that is on the glass table in front of you. It didn't ring, it didn't bling once. You thought she would eventually cool off and call or text you but none of that happened. You can't help but worry about her well-being. What if she didn't call because she can't? What if something happened to her? What if she got attacked by robbers and was lying unconscious on the street or in a garbage can? You hate how easily you start to worry and cry nowadays. You used to be a hardcore badass and now with all these hormones that drive you crazy, you can't wait one more second and reach out for your phone.
To: Britt-Britt (9:28 p.m.)
Please come home…
When you look at your text, you hope those three words will do the magic and bring Brittany home. You wait for a reply tapping your feet on the floor when you get bored you caress your belly and think it is time for a mother daughter/son talk.
"Hey baby, you've been really quite today. Is everything okay?" You hear your voice break a little, right you are crying and you can't seem to stop it. "Don't mind mamas crying baby, it is my fault…" You cannot feel any movement from your baby. It wasn't responding to your voice like it used to.
"Are you not talking to me, too? Are you going to treat me like Tubbs?" Still no answer, no kicking, no boxing just nothing. You look at your phone. It is 9:39 p.m. and still no text message from Brittany.
You give up because if she doesn't want to talk to you, you will not force her. That's not how your friendship works. You become aware of the TV and think it would be a good idea to watch it as you wait for Brittany. She will have to come home at some point.
It's almost half past ten when she comes home. You take the remote control to turn off the TV and look towards the door. She places her keys in the bowl that's on the cabinet in the hall after she takes her shoes off. She walks to the living room and stands in the door frame searching for the light switch and when she turns the lights on and sees you sitting on the couch "Jesus, Santana! God! You gave me a heart attack!" she says as she makes her way to the kitchen still with her hand on her chest. Normally you would laugh but the circumstances are different now and you really need to talk to Brittany.
"I texted you", you say and stay awkwardly at the kitchen door as you watch Brittany take a water bottle out of the fridge.
"Yeah, I know" she says as she opens the bottle and drinks a mouthful out of it.
"You didn't text me back", you stare at her because you want to know why she didn't.
"I did Santana", she replies while she puts the bottle on the table. She then reaches across the table and picks a plastic bag, you didn't notice before, and puts out what looks like some take out. But you are confused because you didn't receive a text. So you go back to the couch and seek to find your phone between the cushions and see your phone flashes a blue light in the top left corner. You unlock your phone and indeed there is a text message from Brittany.
From: Britt-Britt (9:52 p.m.)
Be there in 20
It's on silent mode but you don't remember doing that. You are embarrassed but your curiosity wins so you go back to the kitchen and see Brittany already eating dinner. It comes to you then that you didn't eat and drink anything yet.
"I'm sorry I forgot to check my phone.", you say with a soft voice.
She only shrugs and says "Sit down Santana. There is enough food for the both of us."
You look and see the table is set for two. You sit next to her, she faces the door and you the kitchen wall.
"Where have you been? I was worried." She eats her pasta in silence and decides to respond after a few seconds.
"I was at MIT working on my code with my team." Her answers are still emotionless but not cold.
"Oh, well I wanted to talk to you about today-", you try to address the big elephant in the room but she cuts you off.
"Santana can we talk about this tomorrow? I'm tired and the only thing I wanna do now is go to bed."
"Of course but we will talk about it, right?" You have to be sure because Brittany is too important to drop this.
"Don't worry we will." That's the only thing she says but it gives you hope. She stands up and goes to the bathroom to do her routine. It includes using the toilet, washing hands, brushing teeth and hair, putting sweatpants and a t-shirt on and finally crawling in to bed.
You are not tired but there is no use in staying up so you go to bed, too.
You lay in bed and close your eyes but you are not laying comfortably so you roll on your right side. Still not comfortable so you roll on your left side. Rolling is not easy as it used to be with your baby bump. You can't sleep so you start counting in your head. 100,99,98,97,96…10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 and zero, you think. Maybe the problem was that you went to bed without reconciling with Brittany. At that you seem to remember an old memory from when you were seventeen.
It was the night before prom-night. Brittany and you were supposed to get dressed together at your house the next day but Puck called you that night and told you that he was planning a surprise for you and was in front of your house. He took you to a cabin on a beautiful countryside you didn't even know existed in Lima. You wanted to call Brittany but neither Puck nor you had phone service there. You didn't call her before because you didn't know where Puck took you to until you were there.
But Brittany was at your house the next morning with her dress in her hands and make up in her bag.
It would be the first time for Brittany to attend a prom after her come out so you promised her to be there for her and help her to get ready for her date who was a girl she met in her English class.
When you arrived at the gymnasium and walked to her, Brittany would ignore you. After a thousand attempts to make her talk to you she exploded.
"You promised me Santana! But you weren't there! I came to your house only to be told from your mother you went away with Puck! I came out eighteen days ago Santana and no matter how many times I tell them I'm not gay but bisexual, they won't care and call me and Miranda horrible names! You promised to be there when something like that happened!"
You knew you messed up and tried to apologize to Brittany but she wouldn't let you and Puck got impatient so you left Brittany and gave him your attention. After three hours you saw Brittany walking out alone without her date. So you went after her after you told Puck that you would be right back.
When you were at the exit you saw her taking her phone out of her purse and typing on it.
"Where are you going, Britt?" You call to her as you walk toward her and she turns around not expecting you to be there.
"Home.", she says while she does something on her phone. You grab the phone out of her hands and look on the screen and see that she was googling for a taxi.
"What are you doing, Santana? Give me my phone back!" You let her take out her phone from your hands and she remains googling.
"What happened? Why are you looking for a taxi? Where is your car and where is Miranda?" You ask because all of that doesn't make sense.
"Don't you have a boyfriend to go back to? I'm good by myself, Santana." She is still angry with you and you surely will not go back until you talk to Brittany.
"Please, Brittany. Just tell me what's happened so I can help you." You try to lay your hand on her arm but she shrugs it off and you see lights coming your way.
"I need to go my taxi is here.", she says and climbs in the taxi as you watch her go.
When you think of following her you remember you came with Puck so you go inside and see him drinking coke.
"Hey Puck, I don't feel good can you take me home?" You lie to him because you don't want him to ask questions. What happens between you and Britt isn't anyone's business.
"My girl wishes so my girl gets.", he says and takes you by your hand and leads you to the car.
The drive is silent because you want it to be. You text Brittany that you want to come over but she texts you that it's nearly midnight and that her parents wouldn't like to have a guest at this hour.
You know she is right. Even her parents know you it wouldn't be appropriate to ring the doorbell at this hour.
When you give Puck his goodbye kiss and reassure him that you are okay he lets you go.
The lights are off when you step in the house and it seems like your parents are sleeping, something you are glad for. You can't wait until you get to your room and strip your dress off on the way.
When you are finally in your bed you call Brittany but she declines the call and texts you immediately.
From: Britt-Britt (12:01 a.m.)
I can't speak right now, talk to you tomorrow
To: Britt-Britt (12:02 a.m.)
What do you say if I come tomorrow morning and we can eat breakfast together?
You hope she says yes. Please say yes, please.
From: Britt-Britt (12:04 a.m.)
Ok
Even she said yes you couldn't sleep that night, at all and when it was eight o'clock sharp in the morning you went to her house and you both went straight to Brittany's room.
"I'm so sorry, Britt. You are right. I was a terrible friend to you. I tried to call you but there was no service and I would have called you before but I didn't know where Puck would take me. And he insisted to spend the night there and I couldn't just go. I'm sorry, please Britt."
"You have to understand me, Santana. I was standing there with my stuff for the night of my life and you weren't there. I know now that you couldn't call but my first thought was my best friend just stood me up. But the worst feeling was that you broke a promise, Santana." Something in you ached at the last part.
"I know and I'm sorry it won't happen again. I promise. No, I pinky promise!" I held my left pinky out to her and she took it with her right pinky and we made a deal.
"I just can't be mad at you, San. It consumes all of my energy." She said smiling again. You smiled finally, too.
"I hope you will never have to again, Britt", you said to her and you knew that you had to ask her about prom-night.
"Hey, Britt. What happened yesterday? I mean apart from us." You ask her and see her smile falling off her face but you need to ask her.
"Miranda broke up with me. She said she couldn't handle all the bullying and because we had a fight I was still mad at you, I couldn't come to you." She started to tear up and you blamed yourself because you weren't there when it happened. You would have put those jocks in their place and made sure they never would hurt Brittany again but you were with your boyfriend dancing on the dance floor. You hugged her tight until she stopped crying. Then you decided to make it a girls day and started a movie marathon. Ten minutes in and you started yawning.
"I knew we watched this movie already but I didn't think it would bore you so much San."
Brittany called you out on it and you wanted to make sure that her movie choice was not the reason for your sleepiness.
"No, Britt it's not the movie. Well I have to make a confession. I didn't sleep last night. I wasn't able to, Britt. I guess I can't function when you are not talking to me.", you say looking at the floor because you just shared something like that. You never do unless it's Brittany.
"I couldn't sleep either, San. Well I had a break up but I think it was your fault, too." Brittany said half joking half being serious. You nudged her shoulder at that.
"I have an idea though. Let's make a pact. Whenever we have a fight let's make sure we make up before one of us goes to bed, okay? Then we will never go to bed mad at each other. What do you say?"
She looks at you with a hopeful face and she is so convinced by what she said. You always knew Brittany was a genius and let her know that.
"I say that is one of the best ideas you have had, Britt.", you say because you mean it and she takes your pinky in hers and you both promise each other that you will never fall out and make up on another day.
"Shit, our pinky promise!" , you throw your blanket aside and practically run to Brittany's room. Without knocking you storm in and see Brittany laying on her belly. You make your way to her and try to wake her up.
"Britt! Britt, wake up, now!" You shake her awake. She tries to open her eyes and when she does she jolts up and looks like she just saw a ghost.
"San? Is everything okay? Are you okay? Is the baby okay? What's going on, Santana?" She rambles as she holds your arms and looks at your body searching for any injuries and you think you have absolutely the best friend in the whole world.
"Calm down, Britt. We are okay.", you look her in the eyes and when she fully wakes up she seems to remember she was mad at you and takes her hands off you.
"What are you doing here then, Santana?"
"Brittany do you remember when we were seventeen years old and-" , you try to explain but she cuts you off.
"Are you for real, Santana? You woke me up after I worked an eight hour shift at MIT so we can talk about the past? No, it can wait I need to sleep and you need it, too. Go to bed, Santana." , she lays back on the bed but you can't let her sleep. You promised her you would never break a promise and if you have to prevent Brittany from sleeping to keep that promise, you will do it. You pull at her t-shirt and try to keep her awake.
"Britt, just hear me out okay it's important."
"Okay you won. Tell me what that important memory is." , she says when she sits up supporting her half laying half sitting position with her hands and looks not interested and with sleepy eyes to you.
"When we were seventeen and had our prom-night something happened remember?" You ask looking into her eyes because she has to remember and you can see it on her face that she does.
"Are you sure bringing that night up is going to make us reconcile?" She asks you with a doubtful face but you know she didn't remember all of it.
"The next day I came to your house and you told me that Miranda broke up with you and we ran a movie marathon." She was still looking at you saying nothing so you kept on.
"Do you still not remember, Britt?" She just shakes her head and you continue.
"And I started getting tired and you thought it was because of the movie you picked but I told you that-"
"You couldn't sleep because of our fight and I told you the same and we pinky promised each other we would never go to bed before we talked and made up. Oh my God, Santana. How can you still remember that? It was nearly ten years ago?" She was clearly surprised but you weren't.
"I never forget things that are about you or have something to do with you." She blushes at that and you smile. You can see she is starting to forgive you and that's your clue to talk about your fight from today.
"I'm sorry Brittany for what I said at the hospital, I am and I need you to forgive me, please…"
She looks at her hands and tries to find the right words.
"I probably misunderstood what you said, San"
"What did you understand, Britt?"
"I just thought, with the way you responded to him, you were suddenly disgusted because he claimed you were gay. And I had same-sex relationships, San but I always thought you were okay with it but to hear those words from you made me think, Santana. What if my best friend is in reality not okay with it and can't cope with my sexuality? After my mom and dad you are the most important person in my life, Santana… well now your child too obviously."
You are so stupid you think, so stupid you can't even comprehend how stupid you are.
"Well since my dad is in prison and I don't talk to my mother, after my baby you are the only one I need by my side, Britt. Maybe I didn't tell you properly before so I will do now. You are amazing, Britt and I'm not talking only about your genius brain that's out of this world." She chuckles and you know you are doing it right.
"I'm also talking about YOU. Your personality, your pure heart, Britt. If someone deserves to be in love, it would be you. And when your prince or princess charming comes I will be right there as your maid of honor and wait for you to have kids so our children can be best friends like us."
You both laugh and you instantly get an idea. You take her pinky and she looks at you questioningly.
"Let's make another pinky promise, Britt. No matter what happens, no matter how often we will fight, doesn't matter if it's a small or a big one, we will always remain as best friends."
"We didn't do that since we were nineteen, San."
"But it's a special occasion, Britt. So, what do you say? Promise to be always best friends?"
She squeezes your pinky "Always!"
When you both let go Brittany looks at the clock on her nightstand and it's one in the morning.
"I will let you sleep now, ohhh" , your hand goes automatically to your belly at the pain.
"San, are you okay?" She asks worried when she reaches out to you.
"Yeah, yeah I'm okay. Just got kicked unexpectedly that's all." It seems like your baby is throwing a fit in there.
"I think the baby is happy that we are good again and I really should let you go back to sleep now. Good night, Britt." You tell her as you stand up and walk out the door.
"Sleep tight, San. If something happens or if you have your nightly cravings don't hesitate to wake me up, okay?
You nod and close the door behind you. Brittany was too good and sweet to you and you don't even know how you deserved a friend like Brittany but you were grateful for her.
The bed seems so much comfier now so falling asleep is not an issue anymore.
If you have any questions please ask them. I will reveal the father of the baby and what happened to him and why Santana's father is in jail in the next chapter. I wanted to show Brittana's energy in this chapter because their connection is unique.
Background information:
They live in Boston. Brittany studied at MIT and works there now and dances also.
Santana used to live in New York, studied music and acting but moved to Boston when something happened to Santana's husband. Brittana was separated since they were nineteen and reconnected when Santana moved in.
Who wants to know what the pinky promise of that age of nineteen is?
See you next chapter.
And I have also twitter: zopelzoom
