Chapter 2
Dean pulled the Impala, tires screeching, off of the deserted road a little over an hour later and cut the ignition. He was far enough away from the Braeden's house now…far enough where he could now release the pent up emotions and anger without taking it out on Lisa or Ben.
"God damn it, Sammy!" He yelled in the car, silence greeting him as he slammed the palms of his hands against the steering wheel. Hard. With a final slam, he leaned his head against the wheel and shook it miserably,
"Why, Sam? Why did you have to do this to yourself!"
Once again, his demand was greeted with the sounds of nothing except for the pounding of his own heart. With another pound on the steering wheel with one fist, Dean reached up around his neck and grasped onto the amulet hanging down the front of his shirt and clenched it in his fist. Much to his shame, he felt the threat of tears forming in his eyes which soon began to cascade down his face and onto the Impala's steering wheel,
"God, Sammy…" He whispered with a shake of his head,
"If you were still here, I'd kill you myself for putting me through this, man…" His voice choked up and he closed his green eyes tightly for just a brief moment before opening them again and running a hand down his face, trying to gather himself together. He knew he had to get back on the road and in order to that, he had to put his torn up emotions aside for the time being.
With a trembling sigh, Dean ran his hand over his face once more and smeared away the wetness that was visible on his cheeks before turning the car back on. As he listened to the familiar rumble of the Impala, Dean glanced down at Sam's empty seat beside him and reached for the box of cassette tapes that were lying on the floor. Frowning, the elder Winchester picked the box up and examined it like it was some sort of foreign object. This was not where he had left the box when he had last used it. When his baby brother had taken the swan dive at the cemetery in Kansas.
Still frowning, Dean pulled the lid off of the familiar box and instantly noticed the cassette tape lying on top of his collection, his name written in bold black letters on the front. His heart starting to thump loudly again, Dean pulled the tape out and just stared at
it, taking in his little brother's familiar handwriting. There was no way Sam could have put that there before he had taken Lucifer on; there was absolutely no way Sam could have done that without him knowing it.
Memories washed over Dean as he recalled how he had cranked the rock music up full blast and had driven to that God-forsaken cemetery in Kansas, intent on doing absolutely anything to get Sam's attention to help him gain back control of his body from Lucifer. Even if it meant allowing himself to get beaten to a bloody pulp. But how in the world had Sammy managed to get that tape there? Turning the tape over his hands, Dean noticed another note on the back of it and felt the tears start to threaten his eyes again.
Bobby. Of course Sam had Bobby put it there.
"Damn you, Sammy," Dean cursed through his tears as he pushed the tape into the cassette player and turned the volume up even as the Impala rumbled quietly beneath him. His heart broke in half right then as his little brother's voice suddenly appeared through the speaker.
"Hey, Dean. You're probably wondering how in the world I managed to do this without you knowing. Well, I've got my ways. I'm going to have Bobby sneak this into the Impala after I take on Lucifer…" Sam's voice shook slightly before Dean heard his brother clear his throat and continue,
"There's just a few things I wanted to talk with you about and I know you can't interrupt me this time…or at least I think you can't."
"Nice try, Sam," Dean whispered in a broken voice as he listened to his brother speak.
"Yeah, you're probably interrupting me right now, but I need you to listen to me, okay? I take it you most likely found the amulet I put into your bag by now. I kept it with me until the last minute, until I knew you it was the right time…It's yours, Dean, and I want you to take it back. I know you probably think I'm being incredibly stupid for taken on Lucifer and saying yes, but I'm doing it so that you can still live. I'm giving that amulet back to you because…well, it's my own way of asking you to continue to believe in me, to have faith in me. Just like I have faith in you, Dean, that you can go on without me. I want you to go to Lisa, to live that full apple pie life that I always wanted. Do that for me, Dean, and I will feel so much better for leaving you like this…for leaving you alone again. I want you to forget about me, big brother, and just live that life that you deserve with Lisa and Ben."
"I can't do that, Sammy…" The tears in Dean's eyes were now falling freely down his face as he forced himself to continue listening to his brother. This was the final time he would hear Sam's voice and although hearing him say that he wanted Dean to forget about him made Dean himself want to hurl that tape across the street…at the same time, he just couldn't do that.
"I know I've done some horrible, unforgivable things to you, to us, to our relationship, ever since you got back from Hell. Well, consider this a clean slate; you never deserved to have a brother like me, a brother who continuously lied to you and hurt you…I never wanted any of it to happen, but it did and I can't change the past, but I can change the future. Your future, Dean. Just do this one thing for me. Please." Sam's voice cracked with emotion and Dean knew with certainty that his baby brother was fighting with everything in him to hold back his own tears as he was speaking,
"Well, that's it…except for one thing though, Dean. I love you, brother. I've always loved you and it's because I do, that's why I'm asking this of you. Be good to yourself, Dean."
The next thing the older Winchester heard was the sound of the top stopping and nothing but static. Dean's heart was in his throat as he took in the final words he heard Sam say. With a shaky hand, he reached over and ejected the tape, pulling it out of the tape player and held it tightly in his hands.
"You can't ask me to do that, Sammy…" He whispered shakily,
"That'll never happen…" He tucked the tape into his jacket pocket and clutched the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white,
"How could you think I could just forget about you? How could you think I can just get on with my life as if you never existed, Sam?" He never expected an answer, as his brother wasn't there to give him one, but at the same time, the silence that greeted Dean again caused him to let out a sudden shout of rage and despair,
"Damn it, Sam! How the hell could you do that to me!" Pain filled the older Winchester brother's heart and soul; it was as if someone was reaching inside of him and attempting to pull his heart out.
He remembered how when his brother had died in Cold Oak, how he had been ruthlessly stabbed to death in front of his very eyes. How Sam had died right there in his arms, all the life flowing from his body all within a matter of seconds. Dean knew right then that he had been unable to live without his baby brother, which was why he had made the demon deal to begin with. This however? Dean didn't think the pain could be any worse, he didn't think that anything could hurt more then that pain he had felt when he had sat vigil over his brother's still, cold body.
Boy was he wrong.
What Dean was feeling now was 100 times worse then that…this time, he knew where his brother was, where he was trapped at, what he was suffering. Dean had been there himself after all…but Sam was in Lucifer's Cage, literally, his only companions being two furious archangels who had tried to end the world. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
"To hell with this," He growled to himself, anger and despair threatening to take a hold of him as he put the car back into park and pulled quickly back onto the road. He had originally been planning on heading straight over to Bobby's, but now…now, there was no way he could face the older hunter. Bobby was always like another father, a better father, to him and Sam, but Dean had said his goodbyes to the older man a week ago as he was leaving for Lisa and Bens. To turn up now would mean getting his head chewed off, which would lead Bobby to force him back into that life.
There was absolutely no way in Hell that was happening. There was only one place that could ease any of the pain that he was feeling and it wasn't Bobby Singer's junkyard.
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"What the hell do you mean you're not at Lisa's, you idjit?"
Dean rolled his eyes to the ceiling of the motel room and downed the final drops of the alcohol he had bought not even an hour ago. He was already on his third one since the time he had entered the town and booked a room and already, Bobby had managed to get a hold of him, much to the older Winchester's disgust.
"I mean, I left last night, Bobby," Dean snapped back, setting the bottle down on the table with a loud clunk,
"I can't be there."
"That was your brother's request, you damn idiot!" Bobby shouted over the phone, knowing full well just from the slur of Dean's voice that the boy was well and truly drunk out of his mind,
"You listened to the tape, didn't you? And you didn't even think about coming over to my place? Where the hell are you?"
"In a motel, Bobby," Dean replied, rising to his feet and making his way over to the bed and plopping down, leaning his head back against the pillows,
"I'm not driving, don't get your panties in a knot…"
"Don't talk to me that way, boy," Bobby growled, concern clearly evident in his voice as he berated the younger man. He had called the Braeden's that morning, just wanting to check in with Dean to see how he was doing after Sam had taken the swan dive the week before. He knew from experience that dealing with the Winchester brothers when one of them died…heaven forbid, it was never a pretty picture. When Dean had died and had went to Hell, he couldn't keep track of Sam and take care of him, no matter how much he had tried and then of course, there was Sam's death in Cold Oak. There was no talking Dean out of his despair, there was no helping him; Bobby was useless and although he had said his goodbye's to the older boy, he refused to be completely out of contact with him. But when he had spoken to Lisa and she had informed him that Dean had just up and left early that morning after yet another dream…or nightmare, whatever it was…the gruff hunter had immediately dialed Dean's cell and now here they were, a few minutes later, and Bobby knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the boy was drinking himself into oblivion to dull the pain,
"Where. The. Hell. Are. You? Do you understand the words that I just spoke, Dean?"
"I heard you, old man, no need to shout at me," Dean cursed under his breath and blindly reached down to the floor for the paper bag, grabbing another bottle of the cheap liquor he had bought in bulk and popping the lid off,
"I said I'm in a motel, you don't need to know where-"
"Don't make me track you now, Dean," Bobby hissed,
"Because you know I will!"
Dean shrugged carelessly and put the bottle to his lips, savoring the feel of the liquid going down his throat. It tasted like shit, but it sure felt better then the deep agony he had been feeling in his gut a few hours ago,
"Whatever. Do what you wanta do, Bobby." Not waiting for a response, Dean snapped his cell phone shut and tossed it onto the bed beside him,
"I don't care."
The last thing Dean wanted right at the moment was to be hounded by his friend; to be lectured because he was going to drinking to solve his problems instead of talking it out with Bobby. There was no amount of talking, no amount of caring and sharing, that would make the pain, agony and guilt go away. It was weighing too heavily on his chest and because of that, there was only one option and that was the alcohol. The alcohol was his new best friend. It would help lessen some of the pain and agony he was feeling; it wouldn't take it away completely, but it could at least be put on the back burner of his foggy mind for the time being.
Just as the older Winchester felt himself start to doze off, the sound of his cell phone ringing jolted him upright. Groaning, Dean reached across the bed to grab it, not bothering to check the caller ID, but already knowing who it was,
"…The hell do you want this time, Bobby? I'm fine-"
"My ass you are!" The familiar sound of Bobby's truck was heard in the background and Dean sighed impatiently as his friend spoke,
"Don't go anywhere, boy; I'm on my way."
"You tracked me?"
Bobby snorted and snapped back,
"You thought I wouldn't?"
With a loud sigh, Dean snapped the phone shut again and this time threw it across the room, not paying any attention to where it landed. Shutting his eyes, Dean allowed himself to doze back off, letting Bobby's words and his promises to be there drift into the back of his mind as he fell asleep.
0000
"Because I know you!" Sam was now shouting at him as the two brothers stood face to face in the motel room.
"Really?" Dean arched an eyebrow, preparing himself for a full Sammy bitch-face.
"Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life!" Sam's words stopped any sarcastic retort Dean was about to make and he just stared at his little brother as he continued,
"I mean, I've been looking up to you since I was 4, Dean. Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you; better then anyone else in the entire world. And this is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And, I mean, I can't blame you, it's just…"
"What?"
After a long pause, Sam continued quietly,
"I just wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. Cause…just cause."
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Dean awoke with a start, his green eyes fluttering open as he heard the sound of a lock pick turning on the other side of the motel door. Groaning, the older Winchester sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, glancing at his watch and seeing that he had been asleep for well over 3 hours.
"Go away," He moaned, collapsing back onto the pillow and pressing his arm against his head. He could feel the start of an intense headache coming on and Dean knew it would definitely lead to one hell of a hangover the next day. Before he could shut his eyes and go back to sleep, wanting more then anything to just shut out the dream he had just had, Dean suddenly heard the door to the motel room open and shut, followed by the familiar, gruff voice,
"Damn it, boy."
Sitting up as the light was turned out, Dean glared in Bobby's direction,
"I said I was fine, Bobby-"
"Like hell you are," The older, gruff hunter interrupted with a shake of his head,
"You sure like fine to me." Turning around, he locked the door, but then noticed the unmistakable lack of the salt line lining the doorway,
"You must really be drunk to have forgotten to salt the doorway, you idjit."
"Don't care," Dean groaned, rubbing his eyes.
"Maybe not, but I do," Bobby snapped back, glaring right back at the younger boy as he ruffled through Dean's bag and grabbed the salt,
"I happen to give a crap about you, Dean, so you're not getting rid of me that easily."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not losing my other boy, that's why," Bobby growled, the glare still present in his eyes as he salted the doorway and the windows,
"Although I must say…I'm glad you were at least with it enough to book yourself a two bed room."
Frowning as if he couldn't understand what Bobby was talking about, Dean glanced over at the empty bed beside him and just for a moment, allowed the sadness and guilt to come over him once again. That was supposed to be Sam's bed. It was always on instinct that Dean would always book them two beds in whatever flee bag motel they stayed in; it was no different that day. Pushing aside the pain that was creeping back into his heart, Dean closed his eyes again and ignored Bobby as he spoke and wasn't paying any attention even as the older hunter took a seat on other bed-Sam's bed. What was the point anyways? It wasn't like things were going to get better anyways.
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TBC
