"GET- AWAY- FROM -MEEEEEE!" Screamed McTwisp, his paws burning, his heart pounding out of his chest as he fled the deranged mob that was almost on his tail, literally. With pounding feet and shrill voices, clawing desperate hands and positively inhuman agility, they chased the white rabbit like a blood hound after a fox. Like Homer Simpson after a donut van. Like the grim reaper chasing a red shirt. Like a 12 year old fan girl chasing Justine Bieber. Like a T-Rex after a happy meal. Like a horror movie monster after a b-grade actress. Like a thirsty octopus chasing a glass of water. Like… well I'm out of similes. Point being, if the mob caught up with McTwisp his dearest friends, if not the whole of Under land would be doomed; for his insidious foes shrieked their wicked intentions for his home and kinfolk like battle cries from blood thirsty warlords.
It had all started out so well to. He thought after weeks of searching that he had finally found her; Alice, the champion of Under Land. Well, actually she had- rather zealously- found him. He had been walking along some unmarked mountain trail, deep in Alice tracking thoughts, when she had leapt upon him from the shadow of a dead tree.
"Rabbit!" she cried, squeezing his neck till he saw tea trays dancing before his eyes.
"Oh Rabbit! You've finally found me! I've waited so long for you! Take me back to Under land!"
"Yes!" Wheezed McTwisp, tears of joy and relief and oxygen deprivation leaking from his eyes. At last his long search was over!
"I will fight the Red Queen, slay the Jabberwocky and reclaim the crown for the White Queen!"
"Callooh, Callay" McTwisp gasped, squirming for breathing room.
"And I shall finally be re-united with my one true love, Tarrant Hightopp!" She cried waving a light saber in the air and striking a battle pose.
"Hooray… I'm sorry, what?" McTwisp was suddenly rather taken aback. Alice finally relinquished her vice grip on his shoulders, and for the first time he could turn to see her. Disappointment socked him straight in the gut. She certainly looked like Alice, she had the same wavy blond hair, the same heart shaped face and the same gentle brown eyes he remembered. However, he did not remember Alice ever wearing a skin tight blue space suit.
"Alice?" croaked the white rabbit. "What on earth are you wearing?"
"What? This? Oh it's only my zero gravity suit, silly!" She replied. "Haven't you realized? I'm Future!Alice"
"Future!Alice? What the devil is that?" cried the dismayed and perplexed champion seeker.
"Well you see McTwisp, the Alice you met all those years ago died in a tragic fugu mishap on her way home from China."
"When did you she go to china? And what in the name of the white queen's best bleach is fugu?"
"Don't interrupt, this is my back story! Anyway, almost 900 years later, I was reincarnated as an amazing space traveler, who explored the galaxy searching for new civilizations and pretty moon rocks. I reclaimed my memories of my former life after a chance encounter with a Martian shaman. Now I understood the strange dreams I've been having since childhood! Dreams of chasing rabbits, and falling down holes and being chased by demonic playing cards! So I resigned my position with Star fleet, called my friend The Doctor…"
"The doctor? Doctor Who?" Asked McTwisp.
Meanwhile, on a deserted part of the mountain, the 11th doctor ran madly down the slope towards the open doors of the TARDIS.
"Run! Before she changes her mind!" he cried to the open air, his voice pitched with stress and the joy of freedom. He slammed the door so hard the whole mountain fairly shook, and the ancient engines whirred double-time to transport the frazzled Time Lord away from the terror he had narrowly escaped.
"…and so after countless adventures in time and space we parted ways so I could fulfill my true destiny as Champion of Under land!" Future!Alice finally concluded her tail, and looked at gaping jawed white rabbit expectantly. "So, shall we leave for Under land now?"
McTwisp raised his paws and began to back away from this clearly unstable woman with the dangerous futuristic weapon.
"Madam, I am so sorry, but I seem to have made a mistake! You are not the Alice I'm looking for."
"Damn straight she's not!" Shrieked a manic voice from the ledge above. Before either of them could move, a swift figure descended from on high and with ninja like grace drove a pink laced trainer squarely into Future!Alice's head. Future!Alice gasped prettily and sank to the ground like a graceful and ultramodern sack of potatoes.
"Who the…?" Gasped McTwisp. He rubbed his eyes and found himself staring into the brown orbs of… another Alice! Identical to the Future!Alice who lay beneath the newcomers feet, save for the fact that this Alice wore cut off denim shorts, silver bangles and a sparkly (revealing) purple tube-top.
"Alice?" The Rabbit squealed, unsure of where to look, "Your… your… your practically undressed!"
"Oh McTwisp!" the new Alice rolled her eyes with exasperation. "You sound just like my great-grandmother."
"Grand-mother?" McTwisp had now developed an eye-twitch that would have made the March Hare envious.
"Yes. I am Alice's granddaughter. You see, I am GenerationX!Alice. Alice Kingsly was my ancestor. She was never able to return to Under land, because she died during the tragic Vaseline fire of London in 1902. But fortunately, before she died she left a diary, detailing all her adventures in Wonder land! I'll skip the details of my own traumatic childhood, and I won't tell you of how my parents died of spontaneous human combustion during my Oboe recital when I was 12, or how my new legal guardians beat and starved me and generally abuse me because I'm so much prettier and smarter then anyone in our street and it makes them feel bad. I endure it because I have even more much-ness then my Grandmother had and live through each day dreaming of being rescued from my tragic life by a orange haired hat maker with gap-teeth and eyes that change colour and…"
"You're not skipping it!" Cried Future!Alice groggily, regaining consciousness at GenerationX!Alice's feet. GenerationX!Alice responded with a swift blow to Future!Alices temple that made McTwisp wince. Future!Alice's eyelids fluttered closed and she sank once more into unconsciousness.
"Anyway…" GenereationXAlice continued, non-pulsed by the act of wanton violence she had just committed. "It was a happy day for me when my oppressive fascist Uncle and tyrannical Nazi aunt made me clean out their attic to earn a crust of bread. Because that's when I found the diary of my grandmother, and realized I must run away from home to fulfill my destiny as the next champion of Wonderland. Using my grandmothers diary as a field guide, I will defeat the red queen, and take my place as the Mad Hatters wife, because he will fall in love with me because I look and act so much like my grandmother, even though I'm prettier, feistier, much-ier, more modern and smarter then she ever was!
"A legacy of one is hardly a legacy!" Is what the white rabbit was trying to say, but the only sound to escape his lips was a strangled "hada… wa wa wa wa…. Ha?"
"AI-AI-AI-AI-AI!" A war cry split the air and a large pink top hat sailed around the corner. It smacked GenerationX!Alice across the face, and she swooned to the ground, unconscious. She landed right on top of Future!Alice, which elicited a Foooof of expelled air from the latter. Then they both lay still. The top had sailed through the air, practically farting on every law of physics as it went, and returned to the outstretched hand of a young girl with curly orange hair, a tight black corset top and impossibly short skirt. Her blindingly green eyes flashed triumphantly.
"Wh…wh…who are you?" McTwisp stammered, amazed and more then a little afraid of this strange looking, skimpily dressed girl.
"I am Serena Hightopp!" She declared proudly, repositioning her top hat upon her impossibly curly carrot hair. "I survived the Red Queens attack on my family thanks to a random hole in the time space continuum which I happened to fall through while fleeing from the Jabberwocky. I've been away from home for almost 10 years and am now a totally ripped martial artist! I'm ready to take my place as the champion of Under land, reunite with my poor mad brother and find my soul mate, Ilosovic Stayne."
"Stayne? STAYNE?" McTwisp practically shrieked. "He helped MASSACARE your family! Why in the name of all that is good and holy do you want him as a soul mate?"
"He only did those evil things because the Red Queen made him!" Serena cried passionately, her eyes changing to a pale, pearly, tearful blue colour. "My pure and un-flinching love will heal him of her brainwashing and cleanse his past. Together we will take back the crown in the name of the White Queen, in the name of Justice, in the name of Love! In the name of…"
"In the name of my Sanity! Please stop!" Cried the poor McTwisp, wringing his long ears.
"Yeah! Leave the poor lil' critter alone." Cried a new voice. Seemingly from thin air, another girl had appeared, wearing a pretty floral dress and high healed shoes.
"Who are you?" Asked Serena Hightopp, eyes changing to a dangerous, yet alluring, sunset orange.
"Well Hi! I'm AuthorInsert!Alice. I just love this here movie so much I wrote myself into the fandom. I'm here to have major hawt unrated sexy-time with any character who currently takes my fancy. Now, Bunny boy, take me to Wonderland so I can start my desired love feast. Oh and maybe become the champion of Wonderland too. You know, if I have the time, or don't lose interest in the fandom and leave my story un-finished. What ever comes first. "
McTwisp, his Victorian sensibilities now thoroughly violated by the mention of 'hawt sexy-time' (major, unrated or otherwise) began to back away from the slowly growing group of mad women. Oh, they were growing. And each new edition was stranger and more outlandish then the last. And so McTwisp did the only thing he could do. He ran.
Which brings us back to the beginning of our story. Nivens McTwisp desperately trying to escape ever growing pack of Wrong! Alice's.
"Wait!" cried one, close on his tail. She was dressed head to toe in black, with a shirt that proudly proclaimed "Screw prince charming. Gimmie an evaporating cat!" She wore a skiped colar, plastic cats ears and huge combat boots that clop, clop, clopped ominously along the ground. "You must take me to Wonder land so I can be with my One True love! The Cheshire Cat!"
"The Cheshire cat?" Exclaimed McTwisp. "That's Bestiality? You can't be serious!"
"Yes I am!" the Goth!Alice gasped. "You see the laws of love that bind this world don't apply in Wonderland! People are free to love who they want!"
"They're not that free!" McTwisp whispered, trying to run faster.
"He will love me! Were more alike then you realize! I have a tragic back-story that will totally make you feel sorry for me and make you want to take me with you! Listen! I was taken from my birth-family of brain rotted twilight-addicts by a deranged group of circus spider monkeys who would throw poo at me everyday of my childhood until I was stolen by another circus of evil megalomaniacal clowns when I was 13, and they sold me into prostitution in exchange for a recipe to make the fortune cookie of doom when they found our I couldn't juggle! But I escaped my captors before I could be molested because a kindly magician spider monkey at the first circus taught me how to evaporate before he was poisoned by my evil-monkey foster mom for being kind to me which was totally against the rules. (Seriously, it was on a giant sign outside the circus: Rule 1: Don't be kind to the human foster child and don't teach her evaporating skills. Rule 2: Don't forget rule 1. But like whatever) and anyway I've lived on the streets for the last 8 years and have amassed a huge knowledge of riddles and savvy that the Cheshire cat will totally love! You must take me with you so I can become Wonderlands true champion and we can be to-ooooohhhhhh…
The Goth!Alice fainted, after being deprived of oxygen following a recitation of her own convoluted back story which was poorly structured with no commas and very few full stops. (Not to mention little grounding I common sense.) She was promptly crushed by the stampeding herd of Alice's.
"Good." Thought McTwisp in a strangely savage frame of mind. "One less to worry about."
Unfortunately for him, one was not enough. The swarm of Wrong!Alice's began to gain on him, shrieking in un-human voices:
"Take me to Under land!"
"No! Take me to Under land! I want to be with my soul mate Tarrant!"
"Tarrant is mine! You can have Stayne!"
"NO! Stayne & me 4eva!"
"We call dips on the Tweedle Twins!" Cried two red haired maidens, brining up the rear in… wedding gowns? By the foundations of Mamorial! This was too much!
"Mad! Mad! You're all mad!" McTwisp shrieked. Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, like a lightning strike in a thunderstorm, like the author realizing this story had gone on long enough and her backside was becoming numb at her computer desk and would fall off is she didn't stop typing this story soon, McTwisp had an idea.
He screeched to a halt so sharply his paws had gravel rash. McTwisp set his tiny overbite-baring jaw and bravely turned to face the oncoming throng. When they were almost upon him, he raised his voice, and called as loudly as he could:
"LOOK! HARRY POTTER!"
As one, the great Wrong!Alice stampede stopped inches before they could crush McTwisp. It took every ounce of muchness he had not to begin shaking like a dodo bird that has just learnt the meaning of the word "extinction". Instead, he forced himself to put on his sincerest 'would these eyes lie to you?' face. The effect was instantaneous. The Wrong!Alice horde now became a horde of rabid Harry Potter fan girls. Their cries of love for the Under land populace now became screams of:
"Harry! I love you ! Marry me!"
"If you kill Ginny and we can be together Harry!"
"NO! Marry me and we will save the magical world together!"
"Ron-Ron! Oh Ron-Ron! Come to me my little icicle Ron-Ron!"
"Snape! Come to me my sexy brooding emo hunk!"
"Voldie & ME 4EVA!"
McTwisp admired their enthusiasm (fickle as it was) as they followed his pointed finger right off the edge of waterfall and down in to the mighty river below.
When all was quiet again, (save for the waterfall, obviously) McTwisp exhaled a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. Feeling at peace after ridding the world of a great evil (Ok, maybe a great nuisance, but come on, give the furry guy some credit!) he skipped down the mountain slope, past a group of mountain climbers who posed, thumbs up, in front of a sign that read:
"Thank you for visiting Reichenbach Falls. Please, come again soon!"
McTwisp was woken rather abruptly from his deep sleep by a very loud and persistent chiming from his pocket watch. Groggily, he pawed the 'snooze' button and lay in his modest hotel bed, pondering the bizarre dream he had just had. Rising to find a good breakfast, he vowed to never let the Cheshire cat show him anymore of that 'Fanfiction' nonsense ever again.
