BIG BANG THEORY OPENING TITLES ROLL

Scene 1. NILES OFFICE.

Niles is speaking. As he speaks, he finds some small imperfection on his suit and fastidiously picks at it, finally flicking it away.

NILES: To sum: you present a civilised face to the world, but you feel increasingly like a ball of pure rage, ready to erupt spectacularly at any given moment.

We pull out to reveal he's not talking to Sheldon anymore.

PENNY: Yep. That about covers it.

She's lying on the couch, one arm draped over her head, covering her face.

NILES: How long have you felt this way?

PENNY: Not always. I mean, my life's never been sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...but before I came here, I never really thought about it much, you know? I just kind of assumed that one day everything would work out and that until then I'd work and earn some money and have some fun.

NILES: And then...

PENNY: And then-

The door knocks.

SHELDON: (knock knock knock) Penny and Dr. Crane? (knock knock knock) Penny and Dr Crane? (knock knock knock) Penny and Dr. Crane?

PENNY: Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit A.

NILES: One moment, please.

He goes to the door and opens it.

NILES: Yes, Sheldon?

SHELDON: You requested to speak with Penny for, and I quote, "a few minutes, to get a feel for the wider dynamic". It's been two hours. Sci Fi Channel's Doctor Who marathon begins in T minus forty seven minutes. Average driving time between your office and my apartment is thirty four minutes, including an uplift for optimism bias. That leaves just thirteen minutes for (ticking off on fingers) staircase ascension, snack preparation, pre-programme discussion-

NILES: Then by all means, feel free to go. We can resume tomorrow.

SHELDON: And precisely how do you propose I get home? Am I to hope that some conveniently-placed wormhole opens between here and my apartment? Penny is my means of transportation.

NILES: Get a cab.

SHELDON: (after a shocked silence) A cab...?

PENNY: (from out of sight) Bazinga.

NILES: (sighs) Okay. This is unorthodox I admit, but how about this. I will accompany you and Penny back to your apartment building and, if you agree, I will observe both your individual and group behaviours tonight in an effort to get to the bottom of the problems you seem to be experiencing.

PENNY: You'd do that? For us?

NILES: Absolutely. The health of my patients is of paramount importance to me. I will spare no effort, make no compromise, accept no setbacks until I have achieved my goal of healing these tensions, soothing these choppy waters, and setting you all on the path to good mental health.

Penny looks from the serene and confident Niles to Sheldon, then back to Niles, then Sheldon again.

SHELDON: T minus forty six minutes.

PENNY: I'll make up the guest room for you, sweetie.

NILES: (as they exit the office) Oh I'm sure that won't be necessary...

SHELDON: Did the Dean introduce you to Leonard and Raj?

NILES: There are others?

PENNY: Just to warn ya. Mattress. Little lumpy.

Scene 2. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.

Raj and Howard are pacing nervously. Leonard is sitting watching television. As the others pace in front of him, he throws up his hands in exasperation.

LEONARD: Would you two stop pacing! You're like a couple of maternity ward fathers, it's driving me crazy!

HOWARD: Yeah, except when the nurse comes out, she's gonna say "congratulations Mr Wolowitz...it's a shrink".

RAJ: Yeah dude, why does he have to come here? Sheldon's the loony.

LEONARD: You're the one who started all this!

HOWARD: (to Raj) You! You broke the dodecahedron?

RAJ: Do you know how long it took me to get to that level on Angry Birds, dude? I was at that for weeks. It made my PhD look like a "Cavity Hero" sticker you get from the dentist.

LEONARD: At a guess, I'd say you were at it about half as long as it's going to take you to glue the pieces of your iPhone back together.

RAJ: Sheldon's totally paying for that, by the way.

LEONARD: If you don't want to be here, don't be here. Go watch the Doctor Who marathon at your own places. You remember? My place. Your place. Two distinct concepts. Like Marvel and DC. Sure, when they crossover, it's fun, but if they were to do it (speaking with feeling) ALL THE TIME, it wouldn't seem special...

RAJ: I can't. I...don't have cable at the moment. (off their looks) what? A guy's not allowed to try and make savings in this financially frugal world economic climate?

HOWARD: Raj, last month you spent seven hundred dollars on a pair of Wonder Woman gold bracelets as worn by Lynda Carter. Forgive me if I don't sign up for your better budgeting blog.

RAJ: Oh, okay, okay! You want to know? My cable company outsourced its callcentre to India.

LEONARD: (with fake shock) No. What next? They'll start making quality electronic goods in Japan.

RAJ: So last week I get a call and I'm right in the middle of a shower from some jerk asking me do I want to upgrade my cable package. So I...sort of...called him a name...anyway, long story short, I'm a self-hating racist with no cable. What's your excuse?

HOWARD: Tonight Mother's having her friends over. They're calling it a girls night-

LEONARD: Whoa, whoa. You had us at "Mother".

HOWARD: Two of them are single. One of them looks at me like I'm a goldfish swimming desperate circles in a tiny bowl and she's a cat that's just learned how to bait a hook with a worm...

RAJ: Can't you just tell her you're not her type?

HOWARD: I...can't say no to women over a certain BMI. That's why my Mom is the owner of the most-massaged feet in the Western Hemisphere.

LEONARD: Whoa, WHOA! We get it! (shakes his head) And you two are nervous about a psychiatrist coming to stay. Go figure.

HOWARD: Stay? I thought he was just coming to visit?

LEONARD: Penny's offered him her spare room tonight.

Raj and Howard exchange a glance at this. Leonard pretends not to notice at first, so Raj and Howard exchange another even more ostentatious glance. Leonard inhales.

HOWARD: Uh huh. Very "generous" of her.

RAJ: Oh yeah. Maybe he wants to give her some intense therapy.

HOWARD: Or maybe he wants to see if sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar-

Raj and Howard dissolve into childish giggling. The door to the apartment opens and, unseen to Leonard, in come Niles, Sheldon and Penny. Niles has his cellphone pressed to his ear.

LEONARD: (exploding out of his chair) Alright that's it! I'm tired of you two hanging out here every night and doing nothing but making snide remarks and me and Penny! For your information, I'm over her, and I don't care if she invited this shrink to have her spare room so they could both make wild passionate monkey-love all damn night, d'you hear me?

Long pause. From the expressions on Raj and Howard's face, Leonard comes to realise they're no longer alone. He turns to take in the new arrivals.

NILES: (into phone) ...I'll call you back, Daphne. (closes phone) Amazing, modern phones. I could swear I actually heard her teeth grinding.