Beta: Gladrial

Permission to Archive: Ask me first, tell me where it's going, and we'll see what we can do.

Genre: Drama, Humor, Romance

Rating: T for some nudity, violence, and the normalization of an abusive relationship.

Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world. Also, I stole this disclaimer from Amanda. Additionally, I made no profit from writing this. (You cheapskate!)

Spoilers: None. Pick a time period and go for it! (Reading chapter one would also be cool, but each chapter is basically stand-alone.)

Author Notes: Oh my God! This certainly took awhile, didn't it? I told you it would. Hey, you know what's awesome? That this is my most favorite JHQ piece evers. Yeah, totally. The ending took awhile to decide on (READ: months and months) but I think it turned out great. Enjoy!


This Glamorous Kind of Life: Chapter Two - Summer Heat

"And watch out Gothamites, today's temperatures are going to be in the high nineties so be sure to slap on sunscreen and a hat if you plan on going to the beach or outside for any reason. But for many of you it'll be a great day to just stay inside where it's nice and cool-"

A stray flip flop struck the weather man square in the face as he made this announcement, only to thud uselessly against the screen of the television and fall to the worn tile floor. "Great day to stay inside, my ass…" grumbled Harley from her relaxed position on the kitchen counter. The tiles were remarkably cool against her skin and a welcome relief from the sweltering heat that had engulfed their latest apartment.

I can't believe he won't spring for a measly air conditioner, she thought bitterly.

"Harley, get your sweaty ass off the counter, that's where my sandwiches are made," her lover snapped as he wandered into the kitchen area, bloody screwdriver in hand. She slid down reluctantly, pouting while he began to rummage through various drawers and cupboards obviously in search of something.

"Whatcha lookin' for, Puddin'?" she ventured cautiously, wincing as he began brushing out various cabinet contents to the floor. Oy, what a mess…

He sighed heavily and picked out a large knife from amongst the objects now littering the floor. "I was looking for that nice electric carver to use on the turkey, but I guess this'll do just as well with a little less noise."

Harley followed him boredly back into the bedroom, pausing briefly to step out of her sweat-soaked jean shorts and leave them uncaringly on the floor. It was just too fucking hot for clothes. Joker however didn't seem to be as affected by the heat: he was still in his purple slacks, although his bloody shirt and coat were lying rumpled in the corner of the room. And, she noted with displeasure, the undershirt he was currently in was about to be just as stained.


Their current hostage, a frightened lab technician, was tied naked to a chair. He began whimpering loudly when they entered, although it was muffled by the gag tied around his mouth, and outright sobbing when he caught sight of the large knife. The Joker grinned devilishly at this and made several fake lunges at the poor man with the weapon, giggling each time he flinched.

Harley, however, paid them no mind and instead flopped onto the foot of the bed, her bare feet dangling over the side. She rolled onto her back and let her head hang off the edge. "Mistah J, can we maybe go do somethin'?" she asked sweetly to the upside-down clown.

"We are doing something! Well, I am anyway," he answered indifferently, running the knife slowly along the man's right hand which was strapped to the chair arm. A small trail of blood appeared and, before the hostage could attempt a cry, Joker swung the blade down and sliced off his right pinkie. "Oh hush, Stan. Everyone knows pinkies are useless!" he said in response to his victim's sudden screams.

Not about to stay cooped up in the sweaty apartment all day, Harley tried again. "What about the waterpark? We could go to the waterpark!"

Joker rolled his eyes at this, responding, "I'm definitely not going to hold an entire waterpark hostage just so you can ride a few slides and prance around in a bikini. That would be crazy." He had moved from Stan's mutilated hand to his foot now and was attempting to carve off one of his big toes.

Harley huffed and sat up again, crossing her bare arms in a sulky manner. Not that it did any good because her sweetheart wasn't even paying attention. He had succeeded in his efforts and beamed brightly.

"Well Stan, the good news is that you won't be bothered by that toe anymore. The bad news is…well, you don't have that toe anymore!" He began chortling but stopped abruptly when it was obvious by his cries that Stan, in fact, didn't appreciate being relieved of a part of his foot. "How ungrateful," he spat and began making shallow cuts around the man's knee, deliberately digging the blade into several.

Deciding to try an entirely different tactic, she crawled off of the bed to where the Joker was kneeling in front of the weeping Stan. Harley reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, dropping the pink lace into his lap. The Joker paused in his torture and glared at the article of clothing as if it was a moldy piece of fruit, then he slid the bloody knife through the strap and held it up like one would a snake coiled around a stick.

He coldly intoned, "Harley, I just don't have time for this. Can't you see I'm busy?" and suddenly, without warning, swung around with the knife and lodged it deep into her left leg. Her horrified scream as she felt the blade dig through her thigh roused the poor Stan from his dazed stupor, and he too began screaming very loudly through his gag. "Stupid girl, you got him started again," Joker snapped irritably, pulling the weapon out of her and turning back to his hostage.

From her new place on the floor, Harley tried desperately to staunch the blood flow with her shaking hands, and, after a moment of this, realized with a pang that Joker was now completely oblivious to her presence. Forcing herself up, she quietly limped out of the bedroom and through the living area, trailing blood as she made her way to the bathroom like some sort of wounded animal.

For the next few minutes she moved almost mechanically, cleaning out her wound with the peroxide and dressing it with thick bandages. The knife had driven cleanly to her bone, ripping through muscle tissue, and she quickly swallowed some pills from the emergency kit to dull the intense pain. Only when she was done did she allow herself to cry, curled up pitifully on the bathroom floor, wearing nothing but her lacy pink underwear and smeared with her own blood.

Harley's choking sobs were as quiet as Stan's, muffled by the dirty sock in his mouth, as his ears were being slowly sliced off.


She was gone in less than two hours, not even bothering to leave a note or packing anything at all, just pulling her clothes on and grabbing the stash of hundreds she kept in a ceramic frog by the kitchen sink. She was angry, hurt, and betrayed. There was only one place she could go when these feelings surfaced and Harley knew she'd be welcomed with open arms.

Besides…Red had a swimming pool.


End Author's Notes: I know it's a long time between my stuff, but y'all are really terrific for reading and reviewing. (I'm going to just go ahead and assume you'll review. I mean, I went to all the trouble writing it and everything…no pressure though.) And who didn't enjoy hot, sweaty, nearly naked Harley? And Joker in a blood stained tank! Kisses babies! Till next time!

(PS: I wonder why they had that poor lab technician bound and gagged? Maybe Joker was just bored and needed a violent stress reliever. What do you think?)