After Fall: Serah's Lament
It's hard to believe it's almost been a year since I was made a l'cie, and then saved - first by Etro, then by my sister. It seems like a lifetime since you agreed to stay in Valhalla with Yuel, and even longer since we solved the paradox timelines, and I died in your arms. Those days are gone, little more than dreams in this world. But we still miss you, Noel.
Well, those of us who remember you miss you. Some days, I turn around and just expect you to be there, even though I know you can't be. Even Snow misses you, though I think it's because you reminded him so much of himself. Claire never says much about you, but she smiles whenever I talk about the adventures we had. I wish you'd gotten a chance to know each other better.
Hope... Hope doesn't remember anything about those times at all. Claire thinks it's because Bhunivelze might have damaged Hope's memory when he possessed his body, but Snow thinks it's because it was all too much for Hope's mind to handle. Maybe they're both right, I don't know. All I know is that Hope doesn't smile the way he did when we met him in 10 AF, and he doesn't laugh like he did in 400 AF, either. He's usually very quiet, even when Snow and the archaeologists go digging around the Paddra ruins. It's like he subconsciously remembers a time when that was what he did, that was where he went, but whenever he returns home, he always looks so... lost. It's hard to reconcile the fourteen-year-old version with the twenty-seven year-old Hope you and I knew.
Speaking of which, his birthday is tomorrow. We wanted to do something nice for him, but I'm not sure if it's enough. I mean, there's not a lot we can do right now - both Cocoon and Gran Pulse are still recovering from the Fall - but I'm cooking his favorite meals, and we all pitched in to buy him an upgraded boomerang. Somehow, though, I don't think he'll want to part with the old one. He's a lot more sentimental than Claire and Sazh give him credit for, and even Snow said we'd have been better off buying him an archaeologist's toolkit. Between you and me? Claire doesn't want Hope to go into archaeology. I think she's afraid he'll figure out a way to power the oracle drives they've started to uncover - and she doesn't want him to get hurt if they reveal the alternate timelines. She'd keep him fourteen forever if she could, I think, and I'm not sure if it's for his sake or for hers. I know she feels guilty about what happened to me - to all of us, really - but Hope should be able to follow his dreams, even if it does lead to heartache. If you were here, I think you'd agree, but then... if you were here, things would be so much... stranger? Better?
I keep thinking it would be nice to have you here - and not just for Hope's sake, but for everyone's. I can imagine you on the beach, playing with my students. I bet you would've taught them to hunt, and to fish, and when you thought no one else was paying attention, I'm sure you'd have taught them how to play tricks on Snow. That just seems like something you would do, and I can picture Claire's and Hope's amusement if you were here to really pull it off.
And you remember Sazh, don't you, from Serendipity? He's here, too, and he sort of remembers you - though not too fondly, it seems. I'm not positive, but I think he might have a small grudge against you - you know, when I died? I don't blame you, Noel, and I'm sure he knows it's all over and done with, but Sazh is really... very protective. Like the father I barely remember having. It's probably for the best that you aren't here, though, because I'm sure Sazh would give you a hard time, whether or not you deserved it. You're probably happier in Valhalla, and safer as well.
Oh, I forgot to tell you that Gadot and Lebreau are having a child! Lebreau swears it's a girl that's due to arrive any day - it'll be the first birth we've had in New Bodhum. Everyone's excited, though Gadot seems a bit anxious since we don't really have any doctors nearby. Hopefully Claire and I can manage to get Lebreau through it, though I really wish Vanille and Fang were here too. Somehow, I have a feeling they'd know exactly what to do.
You probably remember Yuj - you know, the guy with blue hair? He's still as fashionable as he ever was, but lately he's taken to flirting with Claire. I don't think she's interested, but he's incredibly persistent. He'd be good for her, maybe he'd help her be more relaxed. But maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part, not wanting her to be alone forever. I've asked her about it a few times - her love life, that is - but she says she's just happy raising all of us village brats. I guess that's understandable, too. I mean, she was a goddess for a while there, and I guess we all must've felt like her children at that time. Maybe that's why she won't encourage Yuj...
As for my love life... well, Snow and I haven't gotten married yet, but it's on the books! We wanted to wait until things had calmed down after the building of the village, and after the first anniversary of Orphan's fall. But in three months, we're getting married. Claire's already agreed to perform the ceremony, since she is New Bodhum's mayor, and Yuj helped me design a dress. It's going to be a small, simple ceremony on the beach, but everyone that matters will be there - everyone but you. It makes me a little sad, thinking my best friend won't be there on my wedding day, but at least you have Yuel. She makes you happy, and that has to be enough I guess.
I guess I'm having the same problem Hope is, ultimately. I mean, I've always gotten along with the other villagers, but it's hard to connect with people who've never known the pain of being a l'cie, or the struggle of battle in order to protect the ones they love. Other than Snow and Claire, you and Hope are my closest friends. Maybe that will change someday in the future, but for now all I know is that... I miss having you to talk to.
I can't hold back the few tears that fall on the page I've written on in my journal. They smudge the ink, making several words practically illegible, not that it matters much. The only eyes that will ever read these pages are my own, but I don't know if I'll ever bring myself to read through it again. I write to remind myself that it happened - that Noel existed, and that for a short time, even though things were wrong, we were content. I guess he was kind of like the brother Claire and I'd never had, and he was probably the closest thing Hope had ever had to a best friend.
"Thinking about Noel again?" Claire asks.
I wipe away the other tears before they have a chance to fall and ruin any more of my writing.
"Yeah. I know it's stupid, but I... I just..."
"It's not stupid to want your best friend around. Especially on important days." Claire wraps her arms around my shoulders and rests her cheek on the top of my head. It's still unusual for her to show so much affection, but she's trying harder these days.
"Do you think he'll know?" I ask, swallowing thickly.
"From Valhalla, everything is visible - even the intangible things like love." Claire states slowly. "I think he knows how much you miss him, for you and for Hope's sake as well. At the risk of sounding cliche, I think if anyone could possibly 'be there in spirit', Noel would definitely be there."
A sob escapes my throat, because it's really what I want most - for Noel to just show up, out of nowhere, like nothing had ever changed. But I know my sister is right: Noel can, and probably will, watch over us from Valhalla.
"Come on." Claire reaches over my shoulder and shuts my journal decisively. "Everyone's going to wake up soon, we need to make breakfast."
I nod quickly and stand, feeling a bit better when Claire thumbs away the rest of my tears. She smiles warmly at me, then kisses my forehead - it's her way of saying 'everything will be okay.' I let her take my hand and lead me towards the kitchen, then I start to gather the ingredients to make a breakfast large enough to feed the four of us. As we stand side-by-side in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and beating eggs, I take a deep breath.
"Thank you, for everything." I murmur.
Claire doesn't say anything, but then maybe having lived in Valhalla has left her with residual omnipotence - she must know I'm thanking Noel.
~fin?
