Santana didn't know how she drove around acting like nothing happened, but she did. She drove to Quinn's place, said goodbye and drove off again. She silence in the car was pressing and she knew Brittany was mad at her for snapping. She dared a glance and what she saw made her frown.
''What?'' she asked, and Brittany turned her head and stared at her. For the first time since leaving the party, Brittany looked at her and what she saw, she didn't like. It was like Brittany was looking right through her, looking into her thoughts. She knew the other girl couldn't, but it felt like it anyway.
''I'm just confused. You said you didn't like Dave, and now you're dating him?'' Brittany seemed genuinely confused, and Santana wished she could say anything to make it better, but she couldn't think of anything. Her head kept replaying what happened up in the room with Dave and all she could so was try and stop the panic from overtaking her.
''Do you want to stay at my place?'' she asked, and Brittany shrugged. ''I wouldn't care,'' she added, hoping the blonde would want to stay because she couldn't be alone tonight. She felt guilty for thinking that. She needed someone and Brittany was that someone, but she couldn't say it out loud.
''Okay, I'll stay with you,'' Brittany said, and Santana sighed in relief. She parked her car in front of her house and stepped out. She didn't want for Brittany to follow her as she stumbled to the front door. Her whole body ached, and she sighed in frustration when she couldn't put her key in the hole. She finally got it when Brittany stopped next to her, and she felt a lot calmer. Somehow, Brittany always seemed to have that effect on her even though Santana didn't know how. ''Are you okay? It looks like you've been drinking more than I have,'' Brittany said, and Santana chuckled outwardly, but inwardly she cringed and cursed herself for not acting better.
''Yeah, well… you know how it is after…'' she mumbled, and she could hear Brittany sigh and could see her roll her eyes even though she was standing with her back to the girl. She opened the door and made her way through the dark living room and up to the stairs. She could feel Brittany behind her and she sighed again, hating the needy girl she was all of a sudden.
''Why'd you do it?'' Brittany asked when they were at the top of the stairs, and Santana stopped all of a sudden and turned around. She looked at Brittany in confusion, not really knowing what the blonde was talking about. ''Why did you sleep with him?'' Brittany cleared up, and Santana just shrugged.
''We'd been talking, and I got to know him a little better,'' it wasn't a lie, exactly. Santana knew what Brittany didn't, even though tonight had confused her more than ever, and she did get to know him a lot better tonight.
''Okay, so you decided you did want to date him and then you just fucked him?'' Brittany asked, and Santana widened her eyes and stared at her for a long time. Brittany never cursed, never said fuck. Brittany was the sweetest girl in the school even though she hung around with the mean girls, and somehow she kept to herself. Santana blinked, forcing herself to reply even though Brittany had just said something she never said, and even though she didn't like talking about it.
''Yeah,'' she choked out, ''I like him,'' she added when Brittany sighed, and then she opened the door to her bedroom and stepped in. She turned on the light right away, and she looked around. It was the same as before, but now she was different. The door closed behind her and she turned around slowly, feeling Brittany stare at her.
''Okay, so let me get this straight. You blew him off before because you didn't like him and then you go to this party, don't drink, meet up with him upstairs and get to talking, but then you have sex because you actually do like him?'' she asked, and Santana nodded. She didn't have the voice to say anything, and as Brittany thought about that, Santana moved to the bathroom and turned on the shower. She pulled her iPhone out of her bra, and was glad it was still there after tonight. She pressed the home button and stared at the time. 2:30 AM. She was exhausted, but she really needed the shower, and when she turned around she saw Brittany standing there.
''What is it, Britt?'' she asked, and Brittany shrugged.
''I just think you're lying, because earlier at the party you didn't seem like you liked dancing with him,'' she said, and Santana cursed herself for not thinking about that earlier. She shrugged and smiled at her best friend.
''You know, I didn't like him grinding up on me, but that doesn't mean I didn't like dancing with him,'' she replied, and she could see Brittany didn't like it, but she could also see Brittany was about to drop the subject. ''So what about you and Artie?'' she asked, and the expression on Brittany's face changed and she sighed exasperated.
''He tried to kiss me a couple of times, but I didn't want him to. I kept remembering what you said about people who you love shouldn't insult you, and I just don't think he loves me enough,'' she replied, and Santana nodded with a smile. Brittany wasn't an easy girl, she liked to kiss but whenever her feelings came into it, she would be harder to get.
''Well, he did insult you, and maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he just said it in the heat of the moment, but you don't have to listen to me when I said that. I mean, I can remember times where I insulted you,'' she replied, and Brittany nodded but didn't say a word. Santana turned around and sighed. With her back to Brittany she said, ''I need a shower, Britt. I'll be right out, get ready for bed.'' She heard the door close behind her seconds later and she closed her eyes. A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away angrily. Brittany was still mad at her, and Santana knew it, but she just couldn't tell Brittany everything.
''Hey Santana, don't take to long,'' she heard Brittany's voice through the door and she quickly took off her dress and bra. She kicked off her heels and took off her socks before stepping under the hot stream of delicious water. She looked down her body and cringed at the bruises she saw. She knew she had one around her neck, and she saw an elbow mark on her stomach. Her sides, they were covered in bruises from where Karofsky grabbed her, and then she moved her eyes down to her thighs. They were also covered in bruises, and she was glad she always kept her sweat pants in the bathroom. The tears mingled with the hot water from the shower. ''San, come on, I want to sleep.'' She jumped at the voice of Brittany so close, and she looked at the door to see it had opened a crack.
''I'm almost done,'' she replied, and she sighed in relief when the door closed again. Brittany always waited up for her, and at other times she'd loved that. But tonight she wished Brittany had just fallen asleep right away. She grabbed the soap and washed herself, carefully avoiding the bruises. She lathered up her hair and stepped back under the hot stream, rinsing out her hair and her body. She still didn't feel clean, but she didn't want Brittany to become suspicious and she turned off the shower as she thought about that.
''You are going to tell everyone that we're dating. Take away their power to call me a homo, and you're going to be convincing. If you don't, I'll fuck that sweet little lady friend of yours and you won't be able to stop me.''
His voice echoed in her mind as she dried herself off and pulled on the sweat pants and an oversized shirt. The shivers ran up and down her body and she knew she wouldn't stop shaking. The fear that washed over her was proof of that. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom, and she saw Brittany sitting on the bed with her eyes closed.
''Finally. You took forever, what's the matter with you?'' she asked as she opened her eyes, and Santana just shrugged and pulled the covers down. ''I need to pee,'' Brittany said, and she stood to her feet and wobbled out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. Santana lay down in the bed and snuggled under the covers, the shaking now from both the cold and the panic, and she closed her eyes. She hoped she could fall asleep.
Brittany walked back into the room after having done her business, and she took off her jeans and her tank top, unhooked her bra and pulled one of Santana's oversized shirts over her head. ''Are you already asleep?'' she whispered to the bed, and she heard a grunt in reply from Santana. So she wasn't asleep yet. Brittany stepped in behind her and snuggled close, her hand on Santana's stomach to pull the Latina closer. The girl tensed and grunted, and it sounded like she was in pain, but that didn't make any sense to Brittany because she didn't touch her that hard.
''Britt…'' that didn't make sense either, Brittany thought, as she clearly heard the tears in the Latina's voice.
''What's going on with you tonight? First you act all crazy at the party and now you don't want to snuggle?'' Brittany could feel a little anger rising up and she backed away from the embrace, but Santana turned around and took her hand. When she looked at the brunette, she could see something in her neck and she frowned. ''You have a hickey.''
''Oh…'' Santana said, touching her neck, but somehow Brittany didn't think it was a hickey anymore when she saw it was really big. She didn't say anything though, because she didn't know what to say. ''I want to snuggle, Britts. I do, but I have a stomachache and you… I'm sorry,'' she suddenly said, and Brittany smiled reassuringly. She wasn't mad anymore.
''It's okay. Turn around and I'll be careful,'' she replied, and Santana turned around again slowly, as if in pain, and scooted back toward Brittany. When her back hit Brittany's chest, she sucked in a gulp of air and placed her arm gently over the Latina's waist.
''Do you want to be with Artie, Britt?'' Santana asked after a moment of silence, and Brittany thought about that. She liked Artie, she loved him actually, but she just didn't know if she wanted to be with him after he called her stupid.
''I don't know,'' she replied honestly, and she felt Santana sigh. ''I mean I love him, but he hurt me with his words and I don't want to get hurt by the people I love.''
''I hurt you. I hurt you almost every day and still you want to be my friend,'' Santana whispered, and Brittany sighed.
''But you're different. You love me and you said you were in love with me, and I love you. I don't know how to explain, San, I just don't mind when you hurt me because I know you don't really mean it. You always show to me that your sorry and Artie never did that,'' she said, and Santana nodded against her head. ''Go to sleep, San, we'll talk in the morning,'' she added and again, Santana nodded and sighed. Brittany closed her eyes and fell asleep after only seconds.
Santana woke up the next morning drenched in sweat and alone. Brittany was nowhere to be seen and for some reason Santana was glad for that. She just didn't like it when she left without a word because Brittany knew Santana hated that. But then her iPhone buzzed and she sighed and turned around, grabbed her phone and unlocked the screen. It was a text from Brittany.
S, sorry, mom called to say I needed to get home. I'll call you later. Xo B
Santana sighed again and sat up, scooted back and leaned against the headboard. She still didn't know what to do about the situation she got herself into. She knew it was her own stupid fault because she had asked Karofsky to be her gay beard.
''I'll date the gay right out of you, Santana, and I know you'll love it just as much as I know I'm going to love it.''
She shivered, thinking back on last night was the last thing she wanted to do, but she couldn't help it. She looked down at the black screen of her phone and decided to text Brittany back.
It's O.K I'll see you at school tomorrow. Xo S
She placed her phone back on the nightstand and closed her eyes as she leaned her head back. She was exhausted and she knew she should get some sleep, but she also knew that wasn't going to happen because of all the images of last night in her head. She just wanted to forget. Her phone buzzed again and thinking it was Brittany, she unlocked the screen without even looking and then she opened her eyes to read the text.
Had fun last night, u were the best, babe. Remember what I said. X
The number was unfamiliar but she knew it was Karofsky. The text had her back to last night, to him saying he would fuck Brittany if she didn't tell everyone they were dating, and she began shaking. A sob broke free and she slapped her hand in front of her mouth to stop them, and then she closed her eyes and tried to think of something else. It didn't work, but something just outside her door had her scrambling out of her bed and at the door in no time.
''Santana your father and I are going to your grandmother. Do you want to come with?'' it was her mother, and Santana's fear and panic deflated her and she felt a hot tear trail down her face. She shook her head, wiped away the tear and opened the door. Her mother was already dressed and ready to go, but she saw her father was still running around getting ready.
''No, I'll stay home today, don't feel so good,'' she replied, and she wasn't lying. She really didn't feel so good, but she could see her mother frown and she knew her mother thought she had a hangover. She wouldn't correct her though, because she didn't feel like talking.
''Okay, take some aspirin and it will fade,'' her mother replied harshly, and Santana nodded. Her mother really thought she had a headache, and who was she to correct her on it? It wasn't like her mother would believe her if she told her what happened last night, and she wasn't about to get into a fight over it.
''I will mama. Say hi to nana for me,'' she said softly, and she turned around and dropped herself on her bed. She needed to let her mother think she was hung over because she really didn't need a fight over anything right now.
''Mom, I'm worried,'' Brittany said softly, and her mother stared at her for a moment before nodding. It wasn't a nod saying she knew, it was one that said 'go on', and Brittany did. ''Last night when we were at that party, Santana acted really weird and after we left, she asked me some things that… they seemed weird for her. She never asked me something like that before and I'm kind of worried something happened,'' she said, and her mother looked at her with a knowing gaze.
''Santana is confused, sweetheart. You know it as well as I do. You just need to be there for her, because she probably needs you to be there for her right now. Maybe something did happen at the party, but you'll just have to be patient and wait for her to tell you,'' her mother said, and Brittany nodded, even though she didn't like it. She wasn't a patient girl when it came to Santana, because she knew it could take ages for Santana to come clean.
''But she just… it was like she was shutting me out, not telling me what happened. Because I did ask her what was going on, and she just changed the subject.'' Brittany stared at her mother for a moment before looking down.
''Brittany Susan Pierce, what is going on with you? I know you love the girl, but you have been shutting her out too,'' her mother said, and Brittany sighed. She knew it; she had shut out Santana because of the confession. After Santana had told her she was in love with her, she had shut her out.
''I know, but she… she told me she was in love with me and I didn't know what to do!'' Brittany wondered what her mother would say to that, because she already knew Brittany was bisexual, but she didn't know about Santana.
''Well, then what is the problem? You broke up with Artie and you can see if this thing works. Don't you like her like that?'' her mother asked, and Brittany nodded and sighed again. Her mother only saw the simple things, but the hard things didn't really matter with her. ''Brittany, listen to me – I've had this feeling that you were in love with her but you didn't do anything about it because of Artie. Now is your chance, try and talk to her.''
''I… maybe I will, thanks mom. I'm going to take a shower,'' Brittany said, and then she stood and left the living room. She made it up to her room and sighed as she saw the mess she had left behind yesterday, and then she shrugged. She would clean it later, but she had a plan now. She would shower and go over to Santana's house, and she would talk with Brittany even if she didn't want it.
Santana had fallen asleep again after her mother had left, and she had woken up in sweat again. She hated it, and she wanted it to be over. Somehow she hoped that Brittany would come over today so that she could get her mind off of what had happened, but she didn't think so. Brittany was still a little angry.
So after she woke up she had jumped in the shower again and she still didn't think she could come out. The water was cold, her body shivering and shaking and all she could so was sit there. She felt dirty, and the shower didn't help much. She felt sick to her stomach, and it hurt to think of good things.
''Santana?'' she heard the voice but she couldn't identify it, and she huddled even closer to the wall, under the stream of cold water. ''Santana what are you doing in there?'' it sounded an awful lot like Brittany, but she couldn't be sure. Something in her mind made every voice Karofsky's, every face his. ''If you don't come out now I'm going to kick this door down!'' At that, Santana screamed.
