note: this is a POV oneshot. a high-five if you can guess who's POV it is. i was hearing Aerosmith's 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing' so if you know this song, you'll recognize some familiar lines. . .


Restless Feelings

Rated: T


How long has this been going on?

I wake up and I'm next to you in our, I mean, your bed. . . again.

Whenever this happens, I question whether I ever did get over this little habit and if I did, what is making my body unconsciously move into your bed?

When I wake and find myself in this position, I usually return to my own sleeping place to avoid angering you in the mornings but today, for some reason, I decide to stay. My thoughts wonder at a fast pace going from when I first met you to how our relationship has transformed into what it is now. It has been a long while since that time and we've come so far. I smile when the memories of our bickering float into my mind. Somehow it was always for my own good that you have argued for. You've always cared for me. My mind is restless now and I realize then that I can't go back to sleep so I lay with my face inches from yours thinking of how lovely you look as you smile in your dreams.

Something inside me suddenly aches to hold, to feel you close to me. That same something tempts me to kiss your smile, to taste your lips once again. I push that feeling away, startled at the fact that I, a gentleman, would have such a yearning. I shake my head at myself in disapproval. How can I allow myself to think of you in such a way? You, who inspire me to do the impossible, to do so many things which I would have given up on, I want you to always be by my side, to never leave me. It is not proper to think about those things, especially when we share the same bed.

So instead of leaving your side like I know I should, I stay just to watch you sleeping. . .

My eyes grow tired as time slowly drags itself along but I try not to surrender to sleep because, unexpectedly, I don't want miss even a second of you. I see your eyebrows burrow in a confused expression and then you frown. I put my hand gently on your head, smoothing your lovely hair behind your ear. The small smile returns, taking the place of that frown. I wonder what could have upsetted you and what could have comforted you. A part of me hopes that my touch returned that beautiful smile to your face but then I remember all the times when I let you down, when I couldn't be there for you.

I draw my hand away from you and a small fear weasels it's way into my mind:

Am I allowed to love?

I shake my head again. Why would I ask myself such a question? Of course I am allowed to love! Isn't that a right of everyone? Suddenly, a little thought whispers to me if that was what I was truly asking. Confusion fills me as I think about my question. What am I asking? Those uneasy thoughts melt away when I watch your sleeping smile, it doesn't matter to me because as much as the uncertainty that lives in my heart, there also lives hope. Hope for the day when I will find my life partner and we will all be growing older, happy to be together. Everyone has the right to love and since I already have my permanent pactio partner, you, I wonder if I will ever find a someone to marry. Some of the girls have already found their someone and have started their lives together, but you haven't yet. I let out a small, relieved sigh. Hopefully, we both will find someone that will make us unbelievably happy.

As I wait for that day, I will watch you sleeping. Watch as your body slowly rises and falls with each breath. Watch how your mouth bends into a soft, peaceful smile. . .

A sudden desire flames in my stomach. It shocks me completely because it is a desire for a kiss; a kiss from you. . .

One kiss, that is all it asks for, all that it would be content to have for now: a soft, simple kiss.

Without thinking, I push myself closer to your sleeping form.

Is this wrong? Is it wrong to kiss someone in their sleep?

I picture you waking up in the middle of my kiss. My palms start to sweat as I think about the two reactions that would come from you if you ever find out that I kissed you. The usual would be where you slap me and call me a pervert. Then there's that other reaction. The reaction from you that, as I think about it, my heart speeds up and my throat constructs with eager nerves. I know the probabilities of that happening are very slim but my heart is high with the hope that you would kiss me back.

More shock grabs me for a second as I realize that I am thinking about being kissed by you and the fact that I am thinking about kissing you. Something in me pushes all thoughts and restrictions from my mind and gives me the courage to prepare my lips to meet yours. Just as I am about to fulfill my small desire, you stir from your sleep. My heart pounds in my chest with the fear that I have been caught red-handedly as you slowly open your mismatched eyes. They don't grow wide in surprise like they usually do when we wake in the morning. Instead, they stay half-closed, drowsy, heavy with sleep. Then you whisper to me if I am alright.

I say yes.

. . .

But I know that is a lie.

How long has this been going on?

These lies I tell you and the lies I tell myself.

How long has this been going on?

When did I realize that I would rather lose sleep than miss a moment with you?

You still haven't gone back to sleep and now you are the one watching me. Looks like my lie didn't trap you this time. What am I saying? My lies never trap you. I smile and think about what you always tell me: I am as readable as a book to you. My heart skips a beat when I recall those words. How lucky I am that I have a person like you by my side. I don't even have to say anything for you to know something is upsetting me.

You brush my hair back like the way I had done a few moments before and you tell me that if I don't feel like talking now, its okay, in the morning I can say what is troubling me. You give me a drowsy smile and turn around to face the wall.

I can no longer see you sleeping.

This upsets me more than I would have guessed it would. It upsets me so much that a small whimper manages to escape my throat.

I must have had an embarrassed blush the color of tomato sauce because when you turn to me again, you giggle. You tell me to go to sleep and then, to my great surprise, you snuggle up against me.

I can barely keep my calm composure.

My heart is thumping so loudly, that I wouldn't be surprised if you heard it. You put your arms around me in a warm, platonic embrace. If this wasn't so wonderful, my heart would be breaking. I feel a pain unfamiliar to me worm it's way into my body when you push yourself slightly closer to me.

This must be how all the girls who have loved me feel.

Guilt builds up in my chest as you hold me. This strange feeling of utter helplessness spreads across my body. A knot of pain grows in my stomach that makes me want to weep on my knees. They must have felt this when I rejected them. I should have done more to help all those that loved me to move on from me. But no, I shouldn't blame myself. I did the best I could for them and they agree. Although, I am confused. Why do I relate this feeling to the girls? Why do these thoughts invade me at a moment like this? Are these feelings punishment for allowing so many girls to fall in love with me?

As this confusing pain twists my stomach, I shyly let myself hug you back and I feel your warm breath on my neck. My heart races as my mind swirls with improper thoughts that I quickly scold myself for, yet I allow them to thrive. I feel my body shamefully reacting to my inappropriate thoughts so I push myself away to avoid surprising you.

Then your eyes flutter open and you ask me what's wrong.

I answer saying the first think that pops into my mind: it's too hot. You give me a small, understanding smile and tell me to turn around. I hesitate at first but then I comply rather sadly, since I will not be able to watch you sleeping. But when I turn my back to you, you hug me.

My body is ridged while I feel your hands on my chest, right over my thumping heart. I feel the heat radiating off my face because now you will be able to feel the involuntary quick beat of my heart. You whisper in my ear to get a good night's sleep as you push your warm body into my back.

How will I be able to sleep like this? My body is anxious while my mind will not let me rest. I don't understand any of what I am going through. Everything, it all seems so new yet it feels as if I have been feeling like this forever.

Why is my heart beating so fast? What do these strong feelings mean? Why do I only get these feelings around you?

My whole being freezes as a single thought enters my mind, providing me with the simple answer to my dilemma:

I'm in love with you.


END