The Thirteen O'clock News

Chapter 2


T.A.R.N.S.: Here's the next chapter of The Thirteen O'clock News.

And I'd like to thank godmario and Randomaximus for their ideas and reviews.

Nyoshi: Be forewarned that this chapter touches on global warning.


"5…4…3…2…1…and…action." The Thirteen O'clock News began.

"Today on the news," Shadow started. "Stuff happened. The end."

Zelda gave Shadow and exasperated look, and then said, "Good evening, and welcome to The Thirteen O'clock news. I'm Zelda Robotnic."

"Tonight we have a special news report on global warming by Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic."

Sonic, who was in Antarctica, took it from there. "Th-th-th-thanks Z-z-z-zelda." Sonic shivered. "Glo-lo-lobal w-w-arming has become a t-t-t-top s-s-s-tory over the years after the discovery of th-th-th-the ozone hole. And boy, do-do-do I wish it would w-w-w-arm up around h-h-h-ere. A-a-after the discovery of th-th-the o-o-ozone h-h-h-ole… Oh for-for-forget it." Sonic said. "I'm fr-fr-freezing my tail off out here."

Sure enough, Sonic's floating camera zoomed in for a close-up, and they could all see a tiny icicle on Sonic's tail.

"If you n-n-need me I'll be in the B-b-b-Bahamas." Sonic turned off his floating camera, grabbed it, and raced away.

"Uhh…Thanks, I think." Zelda said.

Shadow took it from there. "Notorious villain Dr. Eggman has attempted to sue a local dry cleaner after they lost his favorite 'I Am the Eggman' shirt. Not only did Eggman lose the lawsuit, but he was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for his villainous acts. This just goes to show that…"

Tails cut in. "Eggman's shirts are dumb?"

"No." Shadow said. "Well, yes, but something else."

"Don't talk with your mouth full?" Knuckles suggested.

"Knuckles, what does that have to do with this story?" Shadow wanted to know.

Sonic walked back into the building with his mouth full of chilidogs. "Oh, I know what it means," he said.

The camera switched back to Shadow. "Point taken, but no. What it actually means is that when someone comes up to you and offers you a job as a news reporter, along with a bunch of losers, just say no."

"Shadow!" Amy screamed. "That is not how the story ends. Now tell it right!"

"Can I be fired?" Shadow wanted to know. "No!" Amy told him. "Can I see my contract?" Shadow asked. "I'm not going to eat it or anything."

"What where you going to do with it?" Amy asked.

#Shadow's Imagination#

Shadow came home after a long day of work, and saw the little dragon Matches laying on his 'Welcome to Leave' mat. "You hungry Matches?" Shadow asked. Matches' head popped up. "How 'bout a nice, juicy contract?" Shadow held the contract out to Matches. Matches ate it. "Yes!" Shadow threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

#End Imagination#

Throughout Station Square, Westopolis, and the surrounding cities, chirping crickets could be heard.

"Oh, nothing." Shadow replied.

"No!" Amy screamed. "Now finish the story!"

Shadow muttered something not worth repeating under his breath, and then continued: "It's always easier to by a new shirt than to sue the dry cleaners."

And now," Zelda began. "We take you to our weatherhedgehog, Silver, who has our three-day forecast."

Silver was once again in front of one of those giant weather map thingies. "Thanks Zelda. Tuesday we're expecting partly cloudy with temperatures up in the seventies (70s). On Wednesday it will partly cloudy with sixty-five percent (65) chance of…"

Just then Silver looked up and noticed a falling light fixture. "…Falling lights!" he finished as he jumped out of the way.

Off camera, Tails was trying to figure out what went wrong. "I thought I fixed those lights."

On camera, Zelda sighed. Just another average day at the studio of The Thirteen O'clock News. "This has been The Thirteen O'clock News. Thanks for watching, and we'll see you tomorrow."


T.A.R.N.S.: There you have it folks. I wasn't too sure about this chapter, so please review and tell us what you thought.

Nyoshi: We love feedback.

T.A.R.N.S.: And if you have any funny news stories (real or fake), please send them to us. You might see them in a future chapter.

Special thanks to Randomaximus and godmario.