Chapter Four
Impatiently waiting
On my way to Newtons I listened to the music banned by Edward once. Marilyn Manson. I loved him in the non creeper way. As I sang "Leave a Scar" rather loudly I pulled into the shabby little hiking outfitters store I worked weekends and Wednesdays. Mike Newton. I really have begun to strongly distrest him. His flirting has become creepy in a way, getting bolder, and more annoying. It just wont stop. I wonder if he's like this to ever girl that says no. Or maybe I'm special.
Short bus special. Evil inner monologue chirped brightly.
Maybe, would explain things.
I put on the horrible bright orange smock and clocked myself in. Time lulled on and on and on and on and I got a gray hair under the blue dye. How could this place still be open? No one came in it. No customers just made the work go so much slower. But it was my only source of income. Since I spent little I had quite the savings going on though. I planned to use it when I started my year after high school. I loved road trips so much. My mother and I had been on many.
There was so much I needed to see. I wanted to take pictures of it all. Have memories of being happy by myself. I had no idea what I wanted to "be when I grew up." I never had. Well I did once. I wanted to be a in my thoughts I left myself open to being tickled by Mike. I screamed in alarm at the sudden contact and dodged away quickly. I may suck ass at running from vampires, but daddy didnt raise no weakling when it came to boys. Renee's week with marital arts stuck with me as well, sense I actually kept going to the lessons every Sunday. Sadly there wasn't a Dojo here. Mike was laughing he ass off at my karate pose I was in. Just at this moment his mother walked in.
"What the heck are you two doing?" She asked amused.
I pointed to Mike. "He attempted to tickle me."
"She was daydreaming about Johnny Depp again."
"I can't help it, Captain Jack's dreads are just so pretty as the blow majestically in the wind."
Laughter from both of them now.
Yay.
I should start doing comedy.
You would freeze the moment you stepped on stage, and you know it.
Shut it.
"Bella hon, you can go ahead and leave now. Not like it's packed Mike and I can handle it." I would of been gratefull any other date, but I did need something to keep my mind off of who was coming back into town today.
Off to wait in my house. Were I'd see Jasper again. With Jacob. Vampire. Werewolf. Human in the center. That sorta sounded wrong. Oh God the mental image. Eww. What the hell truly was wrong with me? I had never bee normal, my first word wasn't even normal. B'wook I had uttered pointing and hopping for it. How could I have ever been normal and experienced the things I have? Trusting not one, but seven vampires, only one of them falsely, possibly two with Alice. Dating a vampire. Kissing a vampire. Albeit chaste kisses, but kisses at that.
Running through the forest on a vampire's back. I would never admit it to anyone but my mind, but the highs I was attempting to give myself, were trying to get to that feeling again. Adrenaline junkie? Maybe? Maybe I just wanted to feel alive again. Really is very funny, when the most I've ever felt alive is within the company of the undead.
Chapter Five
Arrival
Arriving home with Jacob on my porch earned him an ice death glare for him to realize just how much I didn't want him there. He frowned at me. I didn't utter a word as I went into my house and to the kitchen. My stomach was grumbling. I looked in the fridge for anything remotely salvageable. Zip. Nada. Nutten hunni. I let out a huff.
I went to the phone and ordered a pizza from the only place in town, because damn it I was hungry and I knew the dog would eat the leftovers. I snickered to myself.
Snarky. I like it.
Said dog was lounging over the entire couch watching my tv. The next two hours consisted of me totally acting like a pouty child and him being all surfer-like calm. Extra today, he was always easy going. Maybe he was using those mojo yoga stuff, Leah started using so she wouldn't ruin as much clothing as she did. Preparing for the Mr. Fang-who-dosen't-have-fangs-at-all that was about to show up, more than likly. It hadn't had alot of experiance as a wolf around vampires. It must be hard for him. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to turn into a giant horselike wolf. I sort of liked the idea of the way he decribed running. The freedom of it. But then again I had fel tthat freedom before, just not by my own legs.
As it started to get nearer to three my body couldn't stay still. Nail bite, fidget, hand through hair, pacing, sitting back down, fake reading, nail bite again. The process went on and on for the first twenty five minutes, earning rolling of the eyes from Jacob. But I took note that his calm was starting to fade. Five more minutes. I stood up and decided to wait on the porch. Jacob followed close behind like a good little puppy.
"You gotta go potty boy!?" I turned around the a here doggy look. I received a middle finger in my face. I tried to bite at said finger that was rudely shoved in my face.
"You are a truly the definition of weird Bells. Trying to bite the one you call dog, hmph.. Kitty. " He said shaking his head. I hissed.
I sat on the porch steps, chin in my hands. It was slightly cold outside. Just a nice chill in the air. I was used to the cold now. I did still long for the dry desert air and the bright burning sun. Not nearly as much as I used to though. You should have warned him. Thoughts started spirally in my head about how Jasper would react to Jacob. I had my thoughts of how Jacob would react, but what about Jasper?
He had warned me about how unsafe it was. Panic. Worry, regret, panic again, it all swirled within me. Panic was the main emotion though. Then I felt a wave of calm. Like heavenly waves of warm California coast on a 100 degree day, crashing down on me. Safe, calm mixed with a little happy.
I had a strange notion, that it wasn't his gift sending me the happiness that I felt, more of... other than his gift was what I was feeling. Why do you think that? I have to disect everything is all. I shot up to my feet, angling my body toward the tree line. Jacob became aware then. Funny how I saw the vampire before the werewolf did. Well felt him.
There he was breaking from the dark tree line almost blending in, if I hadn't sensed his presence or had been expecting it, I don't imagine I could have. His clothes weren't perfect, from what I was used to from him. Black t-shirt and dirty pale blue jeans that had tears. Mud was streaking them. Alice would of had a heart attack. I don't think I would have reconized him if I didn't know it was Jasper already. His hair once golden honey, was jet black, to the jaw line and forward in his face a bit. Hiding his eyes nearly, and effecting his jaw, it being slightly more prominent than before. I started towards him only to turn and point for Jacob to stay put.
When I looked at him, he was staring at Jasper, eyes slightly wide, taking in his appearance, his form was shaking slight, yet his foot took one step back. It made me frown, I'd have to ask him why he did that later. Jasper was approaching me slowly, timidly, as if I'd run off.I offered him a grin and met him in the middle, all the while his hands were out as if he was expecting to get shot or tased. He stared at me from my hair on down taking me entirely in, then back up to my eyes. During this process his jaw slowly fell until it was ever so slightly agape. A giggle escaped from me then.
"Different?" I asked.
"Highly," His southern accent that had seeped into online chatting was present."I like it." The wicked grin that spread slowly across his face made my own grin become larger.
"Same to you." I said before raising a questioning eyebrow." Black?"
"Blue?" He cocked an eyebrow in the same way I had, but with a hint of playful-ness. I replied with a shrug. I'd tell him later why I chose the color.
I pointed my thumb in the direction of Jacob. "That's Jacob Black. He wanted to meet you before he left me alone with you. He promised he'd leave after." My tone was a little angry.
Jasper eyes made contact with Jacob as he came over to us. His eyes watched with a cool assertiveness, inspecting the possible threat that was Jacob, although his features remained friendly.
"How long will you be here?" Jacob asked roughly making me gawk at him in his rudeness.
"For as long as I'm wanted." His tone was detached, his once friendly face disappeared, he was nothing but calculating and calm.
"We wont be guarding this land for the time your here. We were making loops in Forks and up to your guy's haunted house."
"Why is that needed? Isn't my home, do what ever you wish with it, but leave Forks alone for now." He frowned slightly.
"There's been disappearances, vampire scent, only a little blood found. A couple of months ago a leech with dreads tried to get to Bella."
"Laurent, he said he came for Victoria, I was going to tell you about that today." I butted into the conversation then, before Jasper panicked. A low rumble came from Jasper's chest, his jaw hardened, lips becoming a thin pale pink line. My eyes went a little wide, Jacobs arm snaked around my waist, pulling my body behind his a little roughly.
"I told that bastard! I told him no loose ends, I was going to go after her, Isabella, but she begged me not too. That there was no reason to going back to my ways. Edward made it clear that she had no thoughts against us! Against you. I would have never of ever left Washington with her still alive if I knew she wanted you. Hell even if she didn't and was within the state. I'm so sorry. I never should have listened to them." Jasper took a deep breath after that, like he actualy needed the air.
I was shocked for a couple of reasons. One, I never heard Jasper talk that much. He was deep, yet not slightly broken at times with a slight southern drawl. Second, he had never spoke with that much emotion.
Victoria's presence in my life was never close to me, she never got truly near me. My incident with Laurent had been the closest I had came with any vampire since the Cullens, my first sight of the wolves was then too.
"Jasper, it's not your fault. It's there's anyone to blame it definitely isn't you. Clearly she knows how to get around gifts. "
" Yeah - she's always a step ahead of us. We get on her tail and she always goes straight for the ocean. Our downfall." Jacob was in all business now.
"Jacob...If your pack would allow me to help you. I could rid her of you. Protect your people. I swear I am no harm to them. When you get a recent trial of her...could I go over the treaty line to track her with you? I wouldn't cross it unless you already had her scent, not on my own either. " He was as sincere as anyone could ever be.
"Now what makes you think that you can catch her if we can't?" Jacob said rather cockily crossing his arms. I frowned and glared at him slightly, though it left on seen since I was still angled behind him.
"Don't you see my scars Jacob? Don't you wonder how I've gotten them? I know you were alarmed. I know you are alarmed. I can handle myself in a fight. I have more experience than you and all your pact put together. It's a fact not arrogance. " The steady strong tember of his voice said, do you really wanna try me? That final kind of voice that can only be used by "adults" was used for his few last words.
What scars? I looked at his arms then, I couldn't see anything from where I was at. I'd try to ask him later. His skin though, didn't look perfect like Edwards had. Not smooth and quite as pale. The slight imperfections made him seem human. Jacob un-crossed arms and almost looked pouty, but gave him a final nod.
"I'll discuss it with Sam. He's the alpha. He'll most likely agree."
"Good. Now get." Glare and a point to the forest.
"You know one of these days I'ma get tired of you treatin' me like this." Now that he was speaking with me, that voice was gone, playful was back, but still a little cautious.
"No you wont. I'm that special." With a roll of his eyes and ran for the forest. When my eyes fell back to him, I came to notice he was staring openly at me. Somewhat in wonder. We locked eyes and I couldn't help but stare at the strangeness of them. They werent like Edwards or any of the other Cullens, who's all I will admit did slightly vary. But his, were a drastic difference, while still being gold. They had specs of deep brown and light green mixed in the molten honey. That all swirled together in a way that could only be described as...
Warmth.
"W-would you like to come in?" I stuttered it out, a little taken aback that I just stared at a nearly stranger's eyes for over 45 straight seconds.
He ducked his head and nodded rather shyly.
Such a change from the confident badass I saw mere minutes ago. It looked as though, he may of turned pink, if he were human and still had blood running through his frozen veins.
Your one to talk, wheres miss sass?
My cheeks were currently burning and no doubt a shade of tomato. We walked in the house still awkwardly glancing at each other and stumbling up the porch steps. He actually stumbled! My hand went over my mouth to hide my laughter, earing a death glare before he ducked his head again, looking away. We sat across from each other in my small kitchen.
Staring.,
More staring.
What do I say now?
How do I start?
So what have you done since you nearly ate me? No, I don't think so.
Awkward.
Chapter Six
A Reason
Our staring and my fidgeting kept on going. I didnt think he would say anything first. I just assumed it would have to be me to start things off. Like always I was wrong.
"Um...soo..what happened? Why did they leave you?" Jasper said in a dumbfounded tone, leaning forward looking intently at me.
Why? Really Jasper? Can't you see? I'm nothing.. You think I'm worth to much.. But what I decided to say instead of this. "Well Jasper.. He said what happened just made him realize how bad for him I was. That he didn't want me anymore and I was nothing more than a mere distraction."
Small amount of pain hit my chest. Nothing like before, but the sting was still there nice and strong. I swallowed down the bile that was boiling inside of me. I had to get this out to him, he needs to trust me.
"Being the silly human I am, I reacted horribly. I basically went into a catatonic state. Functioning only on autopilot. " I stared out the window then. "I lost my love. My life. My foolish thought that he was my one and only. It wasnt just his loss that affected me so, , I wasn't that love struck and dumb. It was the loss of an entire family. A family I had every intent on becoming a true member of. A family I had always secretly longed for. I couldn't even say their names until a month ago. " I glanced back at him then.
There was a furrow between his brows, a frown on his face. He was staring down at the table shaking his head no.
"That isn't true."
"What isn't true?"
"He loved you. I felt it. I feel I need to tell you. He did love you, deeply and true as any first love. It was bounding on obsession. I thought it was only because you were human that he protected you so. I was happy for him because he had been so lonely and depressed in the past years, although he hardly let it show, besides that fact that in the last five he stopped playing the piano. But, there's always a but, I was beginning to tell, to notice, that it was more of...a possession kind of love. I didn't say anything, I didn't think it was my place too." He made eye contact with me once he was done. "Have you ever had a pet Bella?"
"Yes, a cat, but-"
"When you had that pay, did you do every thing for it? Love it? Feed it, take it to the vet, do what was best for it because it didn't know anybetter. It couldn't take care of it's self so you wanted to do everything for it. To make sure it was happy and safe."
"Yes, I couldn't imagine my life with out Midnight. I loved her, I couldn't have a dog, mom was allergic, I'd get really worried each time she'd run off for longer. I thought I could't live with out her if she didn't come back, one day she didn't. Hit me pretty hard, I was young."
"Yes, young. You wanted what was best for her, you couldn't live without her, yet. Here you are. Alive."
"So your saying I was his pet?"
"No, I'm saying you were his first love, he did love you, never doubt that. But he left you, because he thought it was what was best for you."
I took in a deep breath. He did love me.I trusted Jasper that he was telling the truth in this, much more than I ever believed it when it was uttered from Edward's lips. He loved me, sure. Just not in the right way.
Maybe thats why I never believed him fully.
"I didn't love him like I should have either. Fascination was my main reason. I've realized this for awhile, perhaps always and just not caring."
"He wasnt meant for you Isabella. You deserve much better. -"
I shook my head at this stubbornly but instead of hearing the words he was about to speak interrupted. I didn't want to here a speech of how much I deserved, of what I was worth.
"Now, what happened on your side of things?"
The sigh and weary look he gave me told me he really didn't want to say this, to have this conversation anymore.. The pain in his eyes may have been enough to make me cry, but just like that, as soon as it was there, it was gone. The mask was in place. No emotion of any kind. Void.
"I ran off as soon as the they got me outside, away from you. She followed me but kept her distance. I was so angry with myself, so ashamed I never would wanna hurt you. I didn't even feel like hurting you then, I have no idea what took over me still to this day. I hunted, tried to calm myself. They caught up to me, then. Edward and her, they found me sitting on the forest floor. She began to explain how I was not needed in her life anymore, that should couldnt take anymore of my slip ups. She was crying, and angry. Edward told me how could I attack his mate, he was violently angry. I barely listened to him though, my thoughts were on her words. She told me we always knew it wasn't going to be forever. I didn't though. I thought she was my hope, my light. She told me she'd find her true mate soon, one that didn't slip and attempt to kill her sister. Her once soft spoken words got cruel as her anger took over. I thought I deserved it. I still do. I'm the definition of monster, Bella. I didnt want to be. I wanted to change. My control's gotten a hella lot better. Less pressure maybe. Not a constant wave of judging from each Cullen everytime you can't control yourself. Being honest..nothing has gotten better besides that. She..." Jasper trailed off at that.
He looked away from me, rubbing his face in his hands then through his hair. Heartbreak, pain, guilt, worthlessness. It hit me hard. Good thing I had practice at acting like I wasn't in misery. I needed to use all that skill now, he needn't know I could feel that. Again that little voice told me he was sending it forward at me, but not on purpose. I could take all the emotions being thrown at me, I had them before, when something reminded me of them it shot up higher. When I talked about them. But I felt I needed to repeat his favor he had given me.
"Jasper. You are worth it." I spoke gently, silently, my hand reached out and touched his the was fisted on the table.
His head spun to mine, shock written all over his features in big bold lettering.
"Did I just project?"
"Maybe, I-I dont think so but I felt it. Just believe me Jasper, you are. I've felt what your feeling, I know it may seem less to you, being a human and having it not be a love like yours to her, but I know what your going through."
"How? How can you even stand? I felt your pain earlier, being human dosen't matter, you've always felt stronger than any did you get better? How is everything going to 'be okay' How did you do it?" His voice was desperate and pleading.
"I heard your voice." He looked puzzled for a second before he said one word.
"Phoenix."
I just nodded. "I'm still not perfect, but I can see the hope Jasper, you don't need someone to provoke hope. You can feel your own."
I had another reason now.
My reason would be to fix Jasper.
